My SO has a terrible addiction (just found out)

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 years. She has broken up with me 3 times and then takes me back right away.

None of this ever made sense (as didnt most of her behavior) until i cornered her last night.

Out of the blue she told me about a painkiller and cocaine addiction she has been fighting since before we met!

She said she couldnt tell me because i would dump her because I am so against that stuff.

What do I do?

We are sort of broken up right now because she left me, and is now trying to prove herself to me.

So I am an insensitive @$$hole if I leave her. But it also took a lot of courage for her to open up to me like she did. Should I be supportive?

My gut was telling me to end it because of her erradic behavior, but I dont want to devastate her and send her into a downward drug spiral...especially when she is finally ready to get help and admit it to herself.

Please help me out on this one.

I think if you love her, can forgive her, and she wants help, then you should be there for her. She needs you.

It's a tough call to be quite honest. But in the end it is all up to you and how you feel it should go. Are you ready to take on the support role and be there for her, while still guarding your heart from heartbreak? Best of luck and remember to P.U.S.H!

Oh.

Well, I don't think you would be responsible for what she does to herself if you leave her. You need to do what is right for you, and if she has really been that bad to you, then no one would blame you for getting out of there.

I think what i would do is tell her that if she wants you in her life, she needs to get help and she has to change.

It's not your fault. If you want to leave her, you have every right to, especially after how she has treated you.

What is P.U.S.H.? I am new to all of this, and had no idea of her addiction.

I am so angry that she lied to me for so long, but that is the nature of addiction so I know it was not intentional.

I wonder what will happen to her if I do leave. But she reached out to me, how could I just turn my back?

Its in many ways quite simple - if you don't feel like a relationship between the two of you, then there shouldn't be one. You don't owe her anything.

As for her response to you breaking up with her, it is difficult to say what will happen. Perhaps she will realize that things are not OK with her, and that she needs help. It sounds counter-intuitive, but sometimes addicts have to hit rock-bottom to realize their problems. But there is also the risk of things going out of control for her. That is HER choice.

It seems that you are mostly inclined to leave her, and I understand and respect that (I would probably also do that). Just don't in any way try to stay together with her, if she is not actively seeking help to deal with her issues. You cannot and should not be her therapist (and she needs one).

Pray Until Something Happens....It what I turn to in difficult times

Her biggest fear was opening up to me for fear of me leaving her. Every person in her life (including her parents) are aparently enablers for her. I am the only influence in her life that is trying to make her a better person.

I still care about her, but do not want to drag myself down. I am so confused.

How can I structure this where I can have my space and time i need to (possibly) heal from this, while at the same time make sure she is getting the help she needs?

you need to insist that she gets into some kind of treatment program or rehab... you can't make her stop, but you can make it very clear that you won't being with an addict who is actively using...

if she was struggling with this for years, she most likely needs a residential rehab, where she will stay for about a month or so. during that time you can do a lot of thinking. they will usually have the addict's significant other come once a week for sessions to help educate everyone on how to deal with the situation and help the addict stay clean.

you need to insist that she gets into some kind of treatment program or rehab... you can't make her stop, but you can make it very clear that you won't being with an addict who is actively using...

 

if she was struggling with this for years, she most likely needs a residential rehab, where she will stay for about a month or so. during that time you can do a lot of thinking. they will usually have the addict's significant other come once a week for sessions to help educate everyone on how to deal with the situation and help the addict stay clean.

This is very sound advice. She must actively take steps to shed her addiction. And another thing - the person entering rehab might not be the same person that comes out at the other side.

If you do it, do it because it feels right, and not out of guilt or out of hoping that she will somehow feel she owes you something later on.

She gave me her pills last night. She said that she can finally admit it.

She wants to get help. She is starting therapy.

I mentioned NA or some other program but she did not think it was necessary.

I said that her addiction is strong enough for you to push away your best friend and ruin a very good relationship.

...She has since rethought her stance on NA or some other program.

I just dont know if she is strong enough to kick this..especially since EVERYONE in her life tells her it is ok.

She has lied to you for two years! I honestly don't think I forgive my boyfriend if he hid something like that from me for so long. A relationship to be based on trust. How can you trust her when she has kept things like that from you? Who knows what else she has lied about.

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Does everyone here think I should leave her?

She gave me her pills last night. She said that she can finally admit it.

 

She wants to get help. She is starting therapy.

 

I mentioned NA or some other program but she did not think it was necessary.

 

I said that her addiction is strong enough for you to push away your best friend and ruin a very good relationship.

 

...She has since rethought her stance on NA or some other program.

 

 

I just dont know if she is strong enough to kick this..especially since EVERYONE in her life tells her it is ok.

Hello there, I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through!!

The first thing that I think it's important to remember is that you can't love her enough to make her stop. And that's because it's not your fault in any way shape or form and you're not responsible for her recovery.

Recovery is a series of decisions followed by actions that are different from the life she is currently leading. What that means is that, if she's seriously ready to put down her substance, she will need to go to NA, at least three meetings a week, that is how twelve step programs work. She will need to cut off her fellow addicts and enablers to some degree. How can she recover if she continues to maintain those connections? She has to admit she is powerless over her substances and that her life is unmanageable.

Her saying she doesn't think she needs NA or such a program is not a good sign. She can't do this alone and that's why it's important for her to admit her powerlessness. Because as long as she thinks she has a way to do this by herself, she won't recover.

For you -- remember, addicts are liars. While they're using, their substance is their God, it is what they obsess over, what they make into their first priority, what they are always seeking. thereforeeee, while she is using, you and her relationship with you are not her first priority. Cocaine and pills are. She may try to maintain a relationship but how can she when she cannot prioritize properly? You can offer her your support by being gently honest with her, but honest. Encourage her to get to NA or some other recovery program that will provide support.

Good luck.

No. I don't think you should leave her. I have been in your girlfriend's shoes and still am a little. When I met my boyfriend, I was doing ecstasy, smoking pot, and drinking behind his back but started before I knew him. It was because of the abusive relationship I was in. I have gotten off the drugs but I am in counseling for alcohol abuse.

Everyone has their faults and sins. They may be different, but we all have them. Now, I wouldn't suggest breaking up, unless she was stealing your money, or abusing you or cheating or anything else serious. If you love her and she loves you and she is admitting that she wants and needs help then what is so wrong with sticking it out with her. And supporting her and helping her get thru this.

One thing is, it will not be easy. Going thru this, is going to bring alot of chaos to the relationship. All you can do is be there for her and support her. IF you feel like you want to leave her, then do it. But of course leaving would seem like the best thing thing to do.

Does everyone here think I should leave her?

That is up to you. She has a long road ahead of her.

You can start by asking yourself some questions -- do you think she is really committed to recovery? What actions of hers would show you that she is? What actions of hers would show you that she's not?

What actions will you take if she is committed to recovery?

How much time are you willing to put into seeing if she is committed?

What actions will you take if she is not?

How long can you give her to see if she is committed?

Can you get over the past if her actions show real commitment?

Answer these and see what information you get. Take that information and use that to make your decision.

Does everyone here think I should leave her?

no, please dont leave her.

may i PM you please? i have some sound authoritive advice to offer you but i dont feel comfortable posting it.

Does everyone here think I should leave her?

No.. but be very careful for your own safety. Addiction is terrible and causes normally nice people to become someone else (lies, stealing to support habit)

She obviously didn't tell you for various reasons. Being an addict isn't something people go around sharing. She is being honest with you so that is a good start to your relationship.

Probably you are the best thing to help her kick the habit. Tough love as they call it. Maintain your position and help her when she asks for it (to kick the habit) don't be supportive of her habit and hopefully she will have the incentive and strength the take the right path and kick the habit and join you in a clean life. Get her away from the environment that would cause her to continue with this habit.

People don't become addicts on purpose, I imagine they start by trying to cover up some kind of pain in their life with the drugs and the numbness they cause is so much better than the pain that they can't stop taking them. Be a better source of pleasure for her life and hopefully she won't need the drugs any longer as her pain will be gone. Maybe ask her when she started and how/why.. bad relationship with parents?

Does everyone here think I should leave her?

No - and remember that you don't have to make the final decision right now. You can see how it progresses and then make another decision along the road.

Just make sure that you know what your ground rules will be for dealing with this (you will need it), and make sure you know as much about addiction and codependency as possible.

no, please dont leave her.

 

may i PM you please? i have some sound authoritive advice to offer you but i dont feel comfortable posting it.

Would love to read your advice, but you are of course free to not post it here, if you don't feel comfortable doing so.

Thank you all so far for the great advice.

I welcome all of you to post here, or PM me with advice. The choice is yours.

She said she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would leave her.

Even though I dont fully believe that, she does have a point.

She said she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would leave her.

 

Even though I dont fully believe that, she does have a point.

Oh, I would believe that one wholeheartedly. Most addicts know that their addiction is usually a deal breaker in relationships where people are not blood-related.

But she lied to me from the beginning of the relationship.

I must admit i have seen her take a pain killer from time to time (maybe once every 5 months) and she told me she used to to cocaine but stopped for me. But she never told me about her painkiller habit being daily, and her cocaine abuse at least weekly.