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Practice what you preach - Be totally honest


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Folks - this is a fun exercise for everybody. For a brief few minutes to forget about your loss and grief and to think about stuff that I promise will make us laugh in times to come.. Laughing at yourself is considered therapeutic.

 

We are here giving folks advice on things to do and not to do while dealing with grief soon and shortly after a break up. But how much of that advice did you really follow through with in your own personal affairs and your own respective pursuits for happiness and wanting your X back

 

Well! I am guilty of many such faux pax

 

Here is my list of things I swear I laugh about today... I've been separated from my wife (8 years married, 14 years in all) for about a year and will soon be filing for divorce. I grieve for about 30 minutes a day now at max and its getting better everyday - so I promise you all that things do get better

 

  1. Begging pleading, crying, promising to change (1st week of break up)
  2. Writing letters professing undying love for the next 7 lives (2nd week of break up)
  3. Writing a poem in red ink - thought it would be symbolic LMAO
  4. Since none of the above made any difference and she was as cold as a rock at -250F, I began buying gifts, flowers, perfumes, clothes... No reaction (week 3 of break up)
  5. So we separated and she went back to her mothers place. It was her birthday. I called at 12am, seconds after the clock turned, called about 50 times, wanting to be the first to wish her.. No response.. (4 weeks after break up)
  6. On her birthday, I went to see her like Santa, cards, gifts, flowers, sorry face, conversation about what an ass I had been.. No reaction.. She left it on the couch and walked away, leaving me teary eyed. I had planned this days in advance. I felt sorry for myself
  7. I tried NC for the first 2 days. I got drunk and perhaps called her 50 times in the next few days.. Naturally no response..
  8. Texts and emails followed. Me naturally professing my undying love. Not a reaction (1-2 months after break up).
  9. I got a little smarter I guess over the months. Every couple of days, a text here and there telling her how much she meant to me - NO RESPONSE
  10. We began meeting in July. The first thing I did was tell her I loved her and I miss her in my life..
  11. We continued meeting for about 5-10 minutes each week. In October I tell her I love her and I would really love to give my marriage a second chance.
  12. In November I ask her out for dinner and request her to come home - Not a chance
  13. End November - I ask for Divorce. She is now nervous. Doesnt want to discuss terms just yet or come with me to meet lawyers, but will come for dinner or lunch as long as we avoid the conversation and keep things light...

 

Folks you get the point? I was needy, dependant, weak, not self confident and had no power. All unattactive. Each time I reached out and got no response, it made me feel more like crap. I learnt from all those mistake. Not saying we are going to get back together, for she is a very different person and no longer on the pedental I had kept her on.. I see her today for the person she has become... But, if I had maintained composure, dignity - I would have KEPT MY SELF RESPECT, which at many occasions I compromised... This is what I kick myself for from time to time and now that I am doing so much better, sometimes have a good hearty laugh.. Just like I am doing right now..

 

The purpose of this thread is for all of us to be honest. We preach NC, self respect etc here, but how much and honestly how much after a certain amount of introspection are we truly following ourselves.....

 

BE HONEST FOLKS...

 

Always respect yourself.....

 

Be Strong...

 

Benga

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Live and learn. Don't beat yourself up over what you have done in the past. What matters is the here and now...you are stronger and now she is the one who is getting nervous about really losing you. Just take it day by day and see how things go. I think reconciliation works better when you can think with a clear head. Whether or not she wants to reconcile (and you want to reconcile) only time will tell...but at least you got back to yourself so that you are better able to set healthy boundaries and walk away if she doesn't accept your healthy boundaries.

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Yes...my particular favourite moment of knock-kneed stupidity came two weeks after my break up. I went round her house, poured my heart out to her, declared my never dying love for her...to which she promptly told me she's off on holiday with another fella (my posts about are are around here somewhere).

 

And...AND...I actually say 'Go and have a good time! Enjoy it! Hope you come back to me with a clearer head!'

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAArrrrgggghhhhh

 

This would all trouble me greatly now if it wasn't for the fact I'm so gorgeous.

I hate...repeat HATE having the wool puuled over my eyes. It happens very rarely. this is one of thoe times.

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i loved this post benga! ur so honest.

 

to be honest, for my first major break up, i did ok. well i made sum big mistakes but it cld have been ALOT worse. ive learned from this tho, so if i get my heart broken again, i will know exactly what to do from day one!

 

Ha ha !! this was supposed to be a fun post. I wanted to have everybody coming on in here and being totally honest. I am one year down the road and am able to see the lighter side of the break up now. I wanted to give everybody hope that things do indeed get better as the days and months progress.

 

The reason I started this thread was because I had read several new posts from folks who are new here - making the same mistakes and beating themselves up about it......

 

If things are to be they are to be.... Nothing that you do for try will change a thing. Its all about keeping your self respect after a break up. It makes healing and moving on from there so much easier. Since we are on the Healing After Break Up or Divorce forum, I think its important for folks to know that everybody makes mistakes... Over time, they will begin to see the lighter side of it... Over time, things become much better.... Time heals... Keep self respect... Everybody will be just fine.....

 

Cheers

Benga

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Great post Benga

 

Honestly? When my ex left my thoughts were "Let sleeping dogs lie"

I worked with him for another month (that was hard) and I grieved the loss of the marriage because I really did say "I do" for the right reasons, I loved the guy I married or who I believed him to be.

 

I asked him once if he wanted to talk about it after he left and I got a rather illogical rant about it all being my fault.

 

I NEVER asked him to come back, or told him I wanted him back, I did tell him once afterward that I loved him which probably was true at the time, I can't imagine that feeling now.

 

I knew because of the failing nature of my marriage, that I couldn't make it better, I knew that I did not want a person in my life who could be so mean and angry.

 

That didn't mean I didn't cry, hurt, suffer over the loss. The loss wasn't him, the loss was what could have been, the loss was the waste of it all.

 

He did me a kindness by leaving and I think I knew that all along. I had left him (kicked his cranky, mean a$$ out over a year before, but allowed him to return if he quit drinking and other items).

 

As harsh as a lesson as this was, I have learned more about myself and what I want and don't want from life through this ordeal. I can't say I am grateful that I went through this, I am grateful for the part that is through, and hope with the remainder I continue to learn and gain insight.

 

Life can be short, and taking a bad path feels like such a waste of our lives. We cannot dwell on what is past, but I can make the most of my todays and tomorrows. If I am to not waste the time I spent in that relationship, I must take with me all the lessons learned. Most of all though, I must actually try put those lessons into my life, not simply carry them around with out looking at them.

 

Life really is pretty good

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Benga - I have been following your posts for a while now because of the similarities with my own situation.

 

Broke up with the ex wife in May of this year and i behaved in the needy, desperate manner in which you so humorously describe in this thread.

 

Thankfully, although not healed by any stretch of the imagination, i can look back and laugh at my desperation at that time.

 

I think i may post my "story" for all to view on John B`s thread in the divorce section.

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Benga - I have been following your posts for a while now because of the similarities with my own situation.

 

Broke up with the ex wife in May of this year and i behaved in the needy, desperate manner in which you so humorously describe in this thread.

 

Thankfully, although not healed by any stretch of the imagination, i can look back and laugh at my desperation at that time.

 

I think i may post my "story" for all to view on John B`s thread in the divorce section.

 

 

Hey there faddy! Thanks! Get on to the thread by John Bendix - Relationship with the X. Sorry to welcome you to the walkaway wives club! Let's share experience and perspective! There are a lot of answers we get from each other. Human behaviour is so similar.

 

Cheers

Benga

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