'moving in' ultimatum - plz help

hello everbody,

I've been browsing through this board a lot and never thought I'd be posting here myself, but I need advice badly. I try to keep it as short as possible (I've just seen how much I've written - sorry, but please please read it and give me your thoughts)

I've been with my first 'real' boyfriend for over 2 years now (I'm 22, he's 25). We come from the same town, but I study in a city two hours away so that during the semester we only see each other on weekends. To be completely honest, this does not really bother me as there are always things to do and people to meet, while he calls me every day and always keeps going on about how much he misses me etc. and sometimes gets really mad because I'm not at home. I think this is partly because he does not have any hobbies at all (he literally works all the time when I'm not home)

I will finish my studies next spring, but have supplementary studies that will take some years more. He has been talking about moving in together for almost a year and is now getting really impatient, making me promise I will move in with him when I have finished in june and complete my supplementary studies in our hometown. He's also very much of a family man, and very very committed to me.

Now while eveybody would think it's the girls wanting to move in and the guys chickening out, it's the other way round with us! I do really feel uncomfortable at the thought of moving in, trying to avoid the topic because I know it hurts him a lot that I do not want to. Partly it's the financial aspect as I don't earn my own money yet, and I want to stand on my own feet first. I will get a job the moment I finish my studies, yet I would theoretically be ready to go to another city in case I get a good job offer. Plus, I would probably have more chances for a good job in the city I am studying at the moment. Plus, many of my friends are here. (Selfish?)

I know I'm treating him very bad, behaving like I do. But I can't go all enthusiastic about moving in when I don't feel like it. He thinks it's a matter of me not wanting to grow up, me not working (?), me living at my parent's at 22 (how unusual!) etc.

I can't decide whether it's just me having cold feet or something else... I keep recognizing that we do not really have any common hobbies or interests, no real basis for a stable relationship and he is kind of biased about academic persons and lots of small things that make me think that although I love him, I cannot spend the rest of my life with him (‘sometimes love is just not enough’ pretty much sums it up)

I am so afraid to tell him I will not come back in spring because I fear that the moment I have taken that decision I will regret it and think that never again I will find someone like him etc. Part of me also thinks, if not now (after two years!) - will I ever want this? I should end it right now, but the thought of it FREAKS me out...

Any advice on that one…?

Have you ever lived on your own? I think its pretty important to spend some time on your own, it helps build some important skills.

And if you're not absolutly sure you want to move in with him, don't. It'll just end up being a mistake if you're not ready. I don't think you're treating him badly at all, and he might have unrealistic expecations.

I can't decide whether it's just me having cold feet or something else... I keep recognizing that we do not really have any common hobbies or interests, no real basis for a stable relationship and he is kind of biased about academic persons and lots of small things that make me think that although I love him, I cannot spend the rest of my life with him (‘sometimes love is just not enough’ pretty much sums it up)

 

I am so afraid to tell him I will not come back in spring because I fear that the moment I have taken that decision I will regret it and think that never again I will find someone like him etc. Part of me also thinks, if not now (after two years!) - will I ever want this? I should end it right now, but the thought of it FREAKS me out...

As to your final point, I don't want to judge how you feel. But it really doesn't sound from your description that you are in love with this guy. How many other guys have you had close relationships with? Because some of these concerns sound like pretty serious cracks in the relationship.

I agree, unless you are falling over yourself to move in with him then don't do it. Is he insecure by anychance. Sometimes i think men want you to move in with them to help "cement" the relationship.

thanks for your opinions.

@ Gath:

I have never lived on my own, I live in a student accommodation (but this is very different compared to really living on one's own)

Well, concerning relationships, he is my first long-term partner and I consider myself very much a relationship person; yet I notice that I often try to see things 'rational' probably because I don't want to get hurt.

Apart from the endless 'moving in' topic, we don't really have major issues in our relationship. It is merely little things that keep annoying me...

@ Red Dwarf:

Yes, he is kind of insecure. He is 25 as I said, and loves his job, wants to stay in his hometown for the rest of his life (won't even go on holidays with me!), and always claims how he has 'everything he ever wanted in life' which makes me kind of sad. He lacks prospects in life, I think - I want to study abroad for ex., and instead of encouraging me or taking interest in what I do, he would only be interested how long I will be away and how this sucks...

also, he is racist sometimes (results from his job)

He always goes on about how all his friends live together with their girlfriends/wives, and how he's jealous. I'm not at a stage in my life where I want this, or mainly think about family planing - for now it's studying and carreer for me.

If you have doubts about it; and by this I mean that these are more like "I am not sure this is going to work out and I want to be with him" doubts rather than "can I handle the fact he throws his dirty underwear on the floor" doubts (which for some may be a deal breaker, but most can adapt!).

I think it is for one....SO important that before you live with someone, or get married, that you learn to be independent and on your own two feet. I can never say enough how important it is to live on your own, and be on your own, and really FEEL that sense of independence that comes from it before you live with a partner. I truly think it is crucial to being able to be a healthy partner and build a healthy relationship.

And to me, well, you are still young and it sounds like you are still figuring out whom you are. You have been with this guy since a relatively young age (20) and often whom we would date at 20, is not whom we can see marrying later on. It's not like one consciously knows this at 20.....but it is something we realize as we figure ourselves out.

For me, having common interests is so important to the friendship and bonding together (we have many different ones as well as shared ones though!); for me being playful is so important to a couple's strength together in getting through the tough parts of life and relationships too. But other couples do survive without any common interests as long as they respect one another's interests and freedom to pursue them and one is not dependent on the other to entertain them....but it sounds to me like you really see this as a potential problem and a conflict.

Honestly, the fact that he is biased against something you are pursuing (academia) would be something I would be worried about - is he going to resent you for pursuing your education and career? Will he try and have you end that pursuit? For me personally, being supportive of one anothers personal and individual growth is just as important as the growth of the relationship. I for example went back to school and am so thankful for my partners support - and I will return it if he chooses to do the same at some point (or pursue a new career, etc). I just cannot imagine feeling resented for trying to build myself a better life and sense of self!

He may be a great guy - but it does not mean he is the great guy for YOU, or that you are in a compatible place in your lives. Just my sense from your short posts anyway, but of course ultimately only you really know what is in your heart and what you want in your future and a relationship.

I grew and changed quite a lot after moving out on my own. There's things you don't understand about yourself until you've had to start a life of your own, your own apartment, your own stuff. Its hard to value another person's company until you've had to wake up knowing you're truly on your own, and truly free. I didn't understand the value of a supportive relationship until I didn't have any. Maybe not everyone is like that, but its something to be aware of.

His attitude sounds pretty crummy, and pretty significantly different from yours. It really sounds like you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that.

thank you for your post, RayKay.

you are totally right presuming that I'm still figuring out who I am. I know it sounds lame, the whole 'I need to find myself' crap, but it is not about psychology - it's a fact that we are at different stages in our lifes. He has everything sorted out for himself, family and home being the next step - but I have not.

funny thing is, he always says I am very dependent on my parents and I don't know what it's like in the 'real world' (meaning work life), which makes me feel insecure (should I have a bad conscience because I'm studying?! - and I am by no means the eternal student type) and wanting to do things on my own when I have finished my studies. then again, for him it's a sign that I have not grown up enough to do such a simple thing as moving in with my bf. although he would NEVER make me quit my studies or say anything openly against academia, I notice that he has his issues with that. he left school at 16 and is always eager to prove how far he has got and how stable his life is (which makes it seem like he has to prove this to himself). titles are nothing to him, and I don't think he'd be happy for me when I have finished my studies but only happy that we finally can move in together.

I have to say, I am also not the kind of woman who goes all mad about the 'I love you'. my guy tells me ALL the time, and I appreciate that, yet I am not the type to say it all the time, and I also wouldn't mind if he didn't say it, as love is expressed in deeds and not in words. every fool can blurt out 'I love you' and not mean it (just my humble opinion)

sometimes it seems to me all we ever talk about on the phone is how we miss each other and I get really annoyed by that. when I ask him what he did during the day, it would be nothing aside from work, perhaps going out, sleeping and staying home. also I have the feeling when I tell him about my stuff he's not really interested and would go back to the endless 'I miss you' blablah...

he has been in the city where I am studying now before, and left for his hometown because he HATED it here. I supported him in that because I saw how depressed he was. back then, it was the prospect of going home (which was not easy at all, because of his job) which would bring him eternal happiness, and now it seems to me it's the same with us moving in - makes him depressed, and when we finally have it, he will be completely happy. just a guess, but there may be something altogether missing in his life which has nothing to do with me.

I have to agree with others that if you are having these kinds of doubts I would not proceed with moving in with him. As RayKay mentioned it sounds as though you are not even sure you want this relationship to continue, and added pressure from your bf is not helping.

I think you need to be honest with him and tell him that you are nowhere near ready to move in with him and that you want to have your own place for a bit first and feel that is something that you need to do to establish your independence and autonomy before moving direct from parents to bf's house.

I spent a year in an apt shared with friends at 17 before moving in with a guy (whom I lived with for 5 years and it did not work out) and then a few more years on my own before moving in with my now fiance, who I've been living with for 5 years. I think my experiences supporting myself and living on my own were extremely important to developing who I am and knowing I could survive on my own makes me feel that my living with my guy now is a choice and not a necessity.

Unfortunately, your guy is dead set on moving in together and telling him how you really feel may risk losing him. But to be honest you are young and should experience that, and a good partner would be supportive of your need to be on your own before moving in together and if he is not you have to wonder how much he wants instant gratification vs. what is best for you and for the long term health and stability of your relationship.

So, what do you think you will do?