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Concentration at Work


-BK-

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The first few months were awful. I would be sitting at my desk and the sorrow would come over me like a wave. Sometimes I feel like it is good distraction, but when it is dull, I have a hard time getting things done. It is something that you just have to trudge through. When things are tough, I try to set small goals, get little things out of the way and then knock them off my list. Makes me feel more productive and better about myself.

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I'm a professional and have a career that I need to maintain. The LAST thing I could handle at this point would be losing my job. I'm just curious how many people find no enthusiasm for work, and how do you force yourself to get stuff done?[/quote

 

 

With great difficulty BK.

I am glad you brought this up.There is no doubt that work suffers,badly.

Enthusiam is at zero.The last time I felt like this was when my Father died.The feeling is very similar.I wondered what the purpose of work was,when there are far more important things in life,like love and happiness.

 

I think when people are going thru the normal mundane things in life,when they are in love and life is good,then these things are done without a second thought.But when you are going thru a break up then they become incredibly harder.To go to work and listen to people "moaning" about their girl/boyfriend,I just want to shake them and tell them how lucky they are,to be grateful for what they have.

So BK,work whilst necessary to pay the bills,does become a thing of little or no meaning when you are mourning the loss of a loving relationship.

I could never understand when people advocated that the best thing to do is throw yourself into your work.Never quite worked for me

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I'm in my last year of law school AND work 20+ hours a week at a law firm. To say the least, I am having a hell of a time focusing on what needs to be done. I've managed to tread water with it all thus far, but I'm certainly not getting ahead the way I'd like.

 

So I feel ya on this one, BK. This is one area of my life that is clearly suffering as a result of this whole break-up debacle.

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I even had my boss' boss, ask him if I was "producing". LOL. OK, well it isn't really funny, but it did happen.

 

So, I know how you feel BK. I told my mother that I needed to grow up and stop worrying about all of this, to which she replied, "Need2bme, you are hurting. Give me a break. Just feel it and go through it".

 

When I told a friend I needed to grow up, she simply said, "I don't even know what that means".

 

I am happy, and it pains me to say this, that I am not the only one around our ages, that has this problem.

 

I am hoping it will at least teach me that I need to work harder....

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Thanks for the posts, everyone. It's odd. I know that I have stuff to get done, and I just can't seem to get it done. I have yet to miss any significant deadlines, but I know that there are a few people here who have noticed my lack of involvement. Does anyone have the horrible thoughts that other parts of their life are bad that didn't seem bad before the break-up? I run marathons and haven't even been motivated to go running much. I've made myself go, but I can't say I enjoyed it. I feel like this job isn't making me happy, and I don't really want to make plans with any friends. That being said, I have noticed a difference between now and 3 weeks ago. I don't want to sound like I'm not heeling -- it's just frustrating. I know many of you have been in my shoes. Who is here now?

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I even had my boss' boss, ask him if I was "producing". LOL. OK, well it isn't really funny, but it did happen.

 

I had a boss' boss say that I needed to be more vocal in the staff meeting, which is funny because I'm very outspoken. I guess people do notice things, but they might not relate it to what is really happening.

 

So, I know how you feel BK. I told my mother that I needed to grow up and stop worrying about all of this, to which she replied, "Need2bme, you are hurting. Give me a break. Just feel it and go through it".

 

My first laugh of the day, thanks! I doubt your mother called you Need2bme, but you are funny. Your mother is like my mother, and my therapist. It's true that you do need to go through the process. Those of us who have exes that have just moved on will not benefit as greatly as we will by taking the time to heal, move on, and improve ourselves.

 

I am happy, and it pains me to say this, that I am not the only one around our ages, that has this problem.

 

Are you around my age?

 

I am hoping it will at least teach me that I need to work harder....

 

Work harder at your job, or in relationships?

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I'm in your shoes now BK,but I do know I am healing.It's a bit like 1 step forward 2 steps back,but I'm sure it is working better than that even if doesn't feel like that.I have been in this dark place before and I came out of it and I know you will too.I bet you,you won't be posting here in six months time........because you'll be back to your jolly self.Doesn't feel like it,but you'll be amazed what time does to heal a broken heart.

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BK,

 

I FULLY relate!!

 

I'm a professional as well, I have licenses in 2 states and have worked for the same company for 20 years next month.

 

My wife of 20 years left 4 months ago and while being mostly understanding, the owner of the company seems to think that I "should be over it" by now.

I was forced to point out I'd been here 20 years, never any issues, I devoted long work weeks and so much energy in these past 19 1/2 years before my wife left, I've given all to this company and had to point out I was just dumped after a 20 year marriage and it would probably take more than 4 months to recover to any resemblance of my former self.

 

I used to so love my work, but I barely can make it thru the day here now.

I sit here so much of the day on ena, but I can't stop the looking for answers, advice, any glimmer of hope I can clutch at.

 

I don't do things I've loved my whole life, I'm a life-long devoted surfer but have only been in the water 2 times since she left. I was an avid mountain biker, I'd ride the trail every other day, I haven't been since she left.

 

All my motivation is gone, all I've stayed in touch with is my guitar and playing music, but even that takes a conscious effort, many times I just lay in my bed on-line, and search and hate myself. Yeah, and too much self-medicating. Had to go back to AA,

I'm disintegrating and need to stop.

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If I didn't have a job that was nearly all consuming when I was doing it, I think I would have trouble. I have found that taking a few minutes during the work day to write or journal helps....it just pretty much sucks though as I know this stuff follows us like a fog, at work, with friends, in our sleep. Time and simply getting sick of it are the only cures I know of.

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Are you happier in the old job, or do you think you just did it because of the break-up?

 

The other job was very brief (2 months) and I was over-worked. They also were poorly organized and lacked motivation for change, and that drove me nuts. It actually happened because my old (now current) supervisor and I had planned to get together to catch up (just happened to be the day after the break-up). I told her about my problems with the current job (and the break-up) and she asked me to come back. I thought, given how much emotional stress I was under, that the slower pace would be good for me. Anyhow, this job is only temporary. I'm looking to go back to my employer from over a year ago - I still have contacts there. That would be my ideal set-up.

 

Anyway....sorry to hijack!

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Are you around my age?

 

I am hoping it will at least teach me that I need to work harder....

 

Work harder at your job, or in relationships?

 

BK: Dude, she actually called me "Need2bme". JK ;-)

 

I need to work harder in both. I need to heal from non-trust. I need to heal from being angry. I need to heal from my past realationship, before this ex. I need to work harder at both, basically. I put myself on hold for too long. I wanted or thought that someone else could make me happy or at the very least, that a relationship would complete me.

 

I haven't worked nearly as hard at my job as I should and have suffered for it. I don't love the job, but I damn sure like the pay. See, my ideal life is to go to work, come home and be with my family. I will have to wait and see what happens in the future.

 

So, yes, I meant both.

 

 

Does anyone have the horrible thoughts that other parts of their life are bad that didn't seem bad before the break-up?

 

Um, hell yeah. That is why I think if we all use this right, it can be one of the most rewarding experiences we have ever had. I for one, know that there is a lot I need to complete, in order for me to feel whole.

 

 

All my motivation is gone, all I've stayed in touch with is my guitar and playing music, but even that takes a conscious effort, many times I just lay in my bed on-line, and search and hate myself. Yeah, and too much self-medicating. Had to go back to AA,

I'm disintegrating and need to stop.

 

Jon: You will stop buddy. I felt the same way. Lookit, I am beginning to think that it is so normal to feel the way we do. How do you put so much of yourself out there, only to have your heart handed to you? How do you stay so long in a relationship as you did, with only really knowing that person, and not feel the way you do?

 

AA is not so bad to go back to (yes, if I get the gist of why you had to go back, then that was a bad thing). At least at AA you can also work on personality traits.

 

I actually was a previous addict myself (not AA), but I was thinking of going back to meetings and I haven't slipped. I just think it is a good place to share things about your personality, where you won't be judged.

 

Hang in there bud. I keep trying to remind myself or how much better my life will be when I figure a lot of this out.

 

As an aside, I have been reading a lot about Cognitive Behavioral Training and it is very interesting. I like to read anything on why we might feel the way we do and why one might act the way they do in every day life.

 

I react to everything emotionally, so I think it is a good start for me.

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The other job was very brief (2 months) and I was over-worked. They also were poorly organized and lacked motivation for change, and that drove me nuts. It actually happened because my old (now current) supervisor and I had planned to get together to catch up (just happened to be the day after the break-up). I told her about my problems with the current job (and the break-up) and she asked me to come back. I thought, given how much emotional stress I was under, that the slower pace would be good for me. Anyhow, this job is only temporary. I'm looking to go back to my employer from over a year ago - I still have contacts there. That would be my ideal set-up.

 

Anyway....sorry to hijack!

 

Don't worry about hijacking. It's my thread and you were talking to me!

 

It's great that you are moving along in your new-old job and even have plans/thoughts of moving on again. It gives you a goal to work toward, and concentrate on. And, based on your other posts, you are doing a pretty good job of looking forward to the next guy. Any second dates?

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I need to work harder in both. I need to heal from non-trust. I need to heal from being angry. I need to heal from my past realationship, before this ex. I need to work harder at both, basically. I put myself on hold for too long. I wanted or thought that someone else could make me happy or at the very least, that a relationship would complete me.

 

I haven't worked nearly as hard at my job as I should and have suffered for it. I don't love the job, but I damn sure like the pay. See, my ideal life is to go to work, come home and be with my family. I will have to wait and see what happens in the future.

 

So, yes, I meant both.

 

It's interesting that you say that. That's why I was wondering your age? I have a good job. It doesn't thrill me, but the pay is great, it's close to home (hard to find in LA), and it feels fairly secure most of the time. I own a house, have a vacation home, have the car I want, have all the education I need, have a great family and good friends, and am now thinking along the lines that you are -- time to find a great woman and have a family. I look at the enjoyment my parents still get from myself and my sister and I know I'll regret not having that later in life if I don't take action soon.

 

 

As an aside, I have been reading a lot about Cognitive Behavioral Training and it is very interesting. I like to read anything on why we might feel the way we do and why one might act the way they do in every day life.

 

I spend most of my free time (which seems to be plenty right now) trying to read about relationships, emotions, etc. I've been listening to a book on CD called Emotional Intelligence. It's dry in parts, but has some very interesting points as to how we all deal with emotions differently. I have read one book about healing and am about to start "Moving On". I think that as long as we concentrate on moving on in addition to the reflection, it's healthy. I sometimes worry that I'm holding onto the reflection too long, but it's only been 4 weeks since the break-up.

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Dude, I feel for you. I really do. I'm upset about an 8-month relationship, and if I were you... I'd be laughing at me. I honestly don't know how I'd deal with the loss of a 20-year relationship. I think it's great that you talked about your healing process with work, so at least they understand a little. Just don't let it go too long. I'd hate to see it affect the job you've had for so long. You can take as long as you want to heal, but don't let the depression be destructive to other parts of your life (i.e. drinking, job, etc.). I'm sure you know that. It sounds like you are taking the right steps. I'm proud of you for that.

 

The good news is that your surfing and mountain bike will be there for you when you are ready. Like I said, I do marathons and triathlons and haven't really been working out much at all. I do make myself run here and there without getting much pleasuer from it. I have a marathon this weekend and am not sure that I'm ready, but I'm going to do it. My father and sister are running it with me, so I don't want to let them down. I am an avid skier as well, and can't seem to get excited about hitting the slopes this winter. I'm hoping that will start changing soon. I think it helps to set a date to do something. Tell someone that you used to bike with that you need to ride and then you'll be forced to actually ride that day. You may not want to, but the endorphines will make you feel a little better. My runs haven't been exciting, but my body felt a little better those days. Try it and let me know how it goes!

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It's interesting that you say that. That's why I was wondering your age? I have a good job. It doesn't thrill me, but the pay is great, it's close to home (hard to find in LA), and it feels fairly secure most of the time. I own a house, have a vacation home, have the car I want, have all the education I need, have a great family and good friends, and am now thinking along the lines that you are -- time to find a great woman and have a family. I look at the enjoyment my parents still get from myself and my sister and I know I'll regret not having that later in life if I don't take action soon.

 

BK: Still, you haven't totally explained why what I said was interesting or why you asked my age. I had money put aside and a home etc., but I let it go away, for the love of a girl. No, all that was not her fault. I just thought I had to care for her and stayed, instead of moving to a great paying job.

 

Also, to be totally honest, I was scared. Scared about leaving her, not being with her, that I couldn't do the job. Basic co-dependency.

 

That is what I have to change. I have to get the "stuff" back and the future bright.

 

The good news is that your surfing and mountain bike will be there for you when you are ready. Like I said, I do marathons and triathlons and haven't really been working out much at all. I do make myself run here and there without getting much pleasuer from it. I have a marathon this weekend and am not sure that I'm ready, but I'm going to do it. My father and sister are running it with me, so I don't want to let them down. I am an avid skier as well, and can't seem to get excited about hitting the slopes this winter. I'm hoping that will start changing soon. I think it helps to set a date to do something. Tell someone that you used to bike with that you need to ride and then you'll be forced to actually ride that day. You may not want to, but the endorphines will make you feel a little better. My runs haven't been exciting, but my body felt a little better those days. Try it and let me know how it goes!

 

Sounds like you pretty much have your "stinky stuff" squared away. I know, it is all "one day at a time". Right?

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I am actually thankful for my job, which I love because without it I probably would have gone mental!

 

I was dumped one weekend in July, but I still managed to go to work that Monday for another 2 weeks and it wasnt after I confided about it to a colleague who also knew about the relationship she said I really should have taken some time off to give way to mourning. I feel down on occasions, that's why I hate it when we have nothing to do (I work as a nurse specialist btw) but I make sure I am distracted because I dont want this to be a breakdown but a breakover!

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-BK-

First of all I've read a few of your posts and you sound like a very strong person who I know for sure will get thru this rubbish thrown your way

 

I must of wasted weeks and weeks just staring at my computer waiting for him to email me instead of writing papers and concentrating on college. I think I was still in the shock phase so couldn't think of anything else.

 

For me - my personal life seemed to be the ONLY thing that mattered - my heart was the most important thing - so nothign else mattered, work, school, etc. I think it was only when I started to get really tired of thinking of him and what happened was when I started to get back on track. Also been thrown into a classroom of 20 teenagers and having to teach them Shakespeare probably helped get my backside into gear too!

 

I also realised - and you should too..and I don't mean to get all Tony Robbins here, but you need to take some power back. I got really angry to think that my ex consumed my thinking so much that everything else in my life suffered - how dare he do this to me sort of thing. I realised that I owed it to myself to finish college for me - bugger him- I wasn't going to sacrifice what I'd worked so hard on all year just for the sake of his pathetic treatment of me.

 

So - time matey - but you will get back on track - one day at a time. Focus on small tasks - one hour at a time, and as you sit at your desk pondering everything that has happened know that the pondering will soon go...

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BK/need 2be.....

Thanks for the kind words, After I posted earlier I was like "what am I doing??"

I went to the yoga center I taught at for a couple years and finally took a class.

 

I'd been avoiding it because it was a part of our lives, we went through 10 weeks of intense training, every day we were there at 6:00 am and also had to take a class a day as well. Both my kids did it too, my son as the youngest person to teach an adult class, he was 9. My wife started the kids program that she put her heart into and I taught a handicapped class and an adult class, my wife also had an adult class.

 

Point is, I knew it would be emotional. As I lay there between postures, several times I had tears running down my face as i thought about all the memories there. I used to love seeing her there when I taught and when I took her classes, I loved to see her toes as she walked around and helped students in postures, she was amazing and so sweet.

 

Everyone at the center thought we were the proverbial "perfect couple", I felt myself begin to lose it when one of my old students asked "hows the family". I didn't lose it, pulled it together.

 

The director asked if I wanted to teach again, I start back nextx week

 

I need this.

 

BK, I love to ski!! Man I can't wait to go this year, I have family in Park City and went last year, best trip EVER!!! You'll be pumped one that base gets good!! And some snow bunnies are heaven-sent bayby!!

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