39 year old depressed lonely virgin

After 39 years of existing, and wanting a girlfriend for about 30 of those years, I feel that it is too late to be even looking for someone. I have seen psychiatrists and psychologist's and have been diagnosed with social anxiety, panic, and depression. Social anxiety IS the kiss of death for anyone who wants a partner. I fear being around people, because of the pain that it causes me. My stomach gets in knots when I have to go shopping, because I have to be around others. When I see a pretty lady, I want more than ever to just be able to approach her and just say "hi", but the more I think about it the more fear I feel, and I feel like running away. If I am stuck in a checkout line and I see a nice looking lady either in line or running the cash register, I can't wait to get to my vehicle to calm down and relax. Then when I finally do get to my vehicle, I feel much more depressed because I couldn't even talk to this person. My fears are irrational. What am I afraid of? Some of the things I fear are, saying the wrong thing, afraid of writing my name down in front of others, doing something stupid like dropping something from the shopping cart to the checkout counter.

The doctors have tried giving me allot of different drugs, to try to treat the anxiety and depression. None of them have even come close to helping me. I have so many irrational fears, and they are getting worse not better as time goes by. Most days I wish for death to rid me of this gnawing pain that I feel. I am trapped in my own little world, alone and extremely miserable. I want a social life, and to be married to a beautiful lady, but it all seems so very hopeless. I have to give up, because wishing and wanting something for so long is just getting me more depressed as the days go by. I am sure that I am not alone with anxiety and depression, and my desire to be with a woman that I love, to make love for the first time would be a dream come true. How can I get past the anxiety and panic, and once I do that how can I sound possitive enough to win her over with depression?

This sound so tragic ... you write well about your feelings and insecurities, does this create anxiety in you? If it doesn't, have you considered online dating? You could break the ice that way, get to know someone and let them know your worries before you ever have to meet face to face. Don't loose hope.

Yeah, I would maybe try online dating if I were you. Don't rush things and then when you feel you have made somewhat of a connection with someone sort of casually mention you can be on the shy side. It will all work out for you mate.

How can I get past the anxiety and panic, and once I do that how can I sound possitive enough to win her over with depression?

You write as if you've tried absolutely everything and have already given up. DON'T. I know this might be hard to hear, especially coming from a complete stranger, but the best way to get over your social anxiety is to, well, GET OVER YOUR SOCIAL ANXIETY.

It's never too late. Start with small steps. Try joining a support group or a club or some kind of group that might force you to interact with strangers. I'm sure your therapists can help you get in contact with one such group--and more importantly, keep you from quitting out of fear.

A lot of women respect honesty. If i chatted to someone online who had your insecurities it wouldn't make me run for the hills.

The Two above posters are on target. Think about it. Expressing your feelings online could work in your favour.

Baby-steps. Having a game plan and sticking to it.

hey chief.

I really feel for you. Its really sad.

good luck - sorry for not having any advice.

Hear Hear For Online Dating.

im sure he's tried online daing. there must be a problem there too.

The previous posters made some good suggestions. The online scene may be a good option for you.

I can only speak for myself. I've had a hard time in social settings and especially around people I find very attractive. I can really relate to your post.

To summarize, I just figured I'd throw myself into the fire and I'd get through it. I just had to somehow put myself in that mental place where I knew I was going to experience certain symptoms and just fight through them. Eventually things got easier. I told myself it's all in my head and people aren't mind readers. They have no idea what I'm thinking or feeling unless I tell them. Practice didn't make perfect, but it helped. You'll never know until you try to fight through it. I do understand that things are easier said than done. Just sharing what has helped me.

Why are you sure?

because he's been on this earth for 40 years. alone.

Well people can change, and do change.

It isn't impossible. Where is the positive reinforcement??

- get rid of the defeatist atttitude

- Go out and actually speak to women

- social anxiety has as much control over you as you let it

I hope you tried CBT. That is something that has scientifically shown to reduce social anxiety. The essense of CBT is to rid yourself of self-defeating beliefs. CBT also focuses on gradual desensitization to events and situations that you find threatening. I think you should meet people in real life(i.e. church, volunteering event, singles group) instead of online dating. Social anxiety is a crippling disorder that makes you uncomfortable interacting with people in real life.

If you spend time doing online dating, you're spending more time isolating yourself in the house, instead of having fun and connecting with a lot of people outside of your house. Not only can you meet potential dates, but you can makes new friends if you start doing things outside of your house. I do not think you are going outside of your comfort zone when you are just clicking on the send button on an internet personals website.

- social anxiety has as much control over you as you let it

Not true. It's not like you can just 'not let it' have control over you, and then you're better, in fact trying to fight it is well known for making you feel even worse. What helps is actually doing the opposite, which is accepting the anxiety.

Not true. It's not like you can just 'not let it' have control over you, and then you're better, in fact trying to fight it is well known for making you feel even worse. What helps is actually doing the opposite, which is accepting the anxiety.

the anxiety gets in the way of the goal

social anxiety does not control a human

people just let it and use it as an excuse

if it controled humans there would be no therapy.

I'm 25 never really had a girlfriend too, I've tried this online dating thing too and found it does work for meeting people,

When I feel low I always put some music on something uplifting, old school rock music does it for me and I feel if gives me a confidences boost for a while

Thank you everyone that have posted thus far. I in fact have tried online dating sites on/off for the past 5 or so years. Sites that I have honestly tried are: Match, Cupid, Yahoo, American Singles, Love, Plenty Of Fish, eHarmony, Matchmaker, Love Happens and I know that there are more that I just can't remember. The most effective site has been eHarmony, which by the way has rejected me 3 times and wouldn't let me join. I finally got eHarmony to accept me, and I joined for a year. Over that year I have had 4 ladies that I chatted with over e-mail, and two of those four I had telephone conversations with. I eventually did meet these two ladies, which were very far away from where I lived. Neither of them worked out. The one lady changed her mind about moving to Minnesota from Florida, and the other just didn't have any "chemistry". I had to use a crowbar to get any words out of her.

My problem is anxiety, and IT does control me. The symptoms are more than just "fear". Fear is the underlying cause for the pain in my stomach. I honestly get stomach aches, the kind of stomach aches you get that make you double over in pain. The longer I was with these ladies, the worse the pain got in my stomach. It hurt to stand up. It would have felt much better to lay down on the ground, but that would have looked a bit odd to be on a date and lay down on the ground in the middle of nowhere, wouldn't it?

When I was a very young child, I would get the same feeling just being around my cousin's and aunt's and uncle's during Christmas or Thanksgiving get togethers or any time that my mother would take me shopping with her. Many times I would have to lay down, either on my mothers lap or she would have to cut her shopping short and go home. The physical pain reinforces the phobia, and the reward of avoidance and solitude makes the pain go away.

the anxiety gets in the way of the goal

 

social anxiety does not control a human

 

people just let it and use it as an excuse

 

if it controled humans there would be no therapy.

Yes you may be able to stop it controling you through meds and or therapy. But the way you made it sound before was that he should be able to just snap out of it and not let it control him.

Also, until the therapy has finished and he has got over it it isn't an excuse. And again, your last post makes it sound otherwise.

I wish there was something I could do to help you but I have no experience with anyone or anything like that level of Social Anxiety. The advice I would offer a person in your shoes without Social Anxiety like that would probably not even be an option because of the level to which you feel it.

The only thing I can say is to pose a question: Are you more afraid of meeting people or being alone the rest of your life?

The only thing I can say is to pose a question: Are you more afraid of meeting people or being alone the rest of your life?

That is a very good line!

Keep trying online dating and keep going to therapy. I can't completely relate to your situation but I really do understand a lot of the feelings, both emotional and physical, that you're going through. I was diagnosed with social anxiety at 15 and have never really gotten any help for it. I should probably take my own advice about the therapy. Online dating has been a godsend for me, and I don't think you should give up on that yet. You may also want to try sites like link removed if you're looking to make new friends. There may even be a social anxiety group in your area.

I completely disagree with anyone who says "just get over it" or that social anxiety is an excuse. That is bs coming from someone who doesn't understand the disorder. To say that it is controllable without lots of therapy and hard work is absurd. It's like coming face to face with a bear and trying to convince yourself that you can just "get over" the fear.

^ Yeah, or making yourself rub noses with it.

Have you thought about going to a foreign country, such as Thialand, Costa Rica or Cuba for a week or two to meet women there? I hear they are very friendly from this site I saw called "Happier Abroad"...

link removed

...when I read your post and thread, I sometimes wonder if your story is just symptomatic of North American culture and society where some guys just really fall through the cracks miserably with women because everything is just messed up to some degree -- and it's like, I wouldn't waste money in councelling and therapy if you can go to a place where you could feel like a man having hordes of sexy babes coming after me all competing for my attention rather than the feeling like you are pulling teeth here.

Now, this is contrary to my own values and I would not try something like that, but I keep a back-door open to it in my mind that there could exist a place where I could feel respected like a man in this globe (now granted I live with my parents and have a domineering mom so that doesn't help me feel like a man if I'm accountable to her about everything and keep sucking up under her, but that's another story, so maybe part of being a man is being my own man, so I should move out....do you live with your mom too?)

You could always do a mail-order bride. As crazy as it sounds I actually know a lonely guy who did it. He's happy.

this might sound dumb but hypnotherapy might help out...

a strip club might loosen you up a bit.

i understand everything you are going through except the physical pain.. im thankful i don't have it that bad.

mines pretty mild actually when compared to yours.

have you had many friends in your life? do you feel this way around a group of guys?

i have a terrible time hanging around outgoing people..i also find jobs that involve working alone so i don't have to talk to anybody.