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I am dating a puppy dog. And I don’t think I can keep it up.


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I am dating a puppy dog. And I don’t think I can keep it up.

 

He’s the nicest, sweetest, most considerate guy. And I know I would be lucky to end up marrying someone who is this caring. And he’s cute too. Also, one good thing is that he hasn’t pressured me to do anything physically-we’ve been dating 4 months, and all we’ve done is kissed, which is frustrating sometimes, but in the end I like it. I guess I would like the opportunity to at least turn him down. And at least once a week, he brings me a gift…a cd, flowers, a little random gift. He brought up taking a trip together in a few months…and that’s starting to make me nervous.

 

Keeping in mind how sweet he is….there are things he does that I can’t stand. I work with him, and sometimes all we talk about is work stuff…it’s difficult to decompress…and I realize his consideration is showing he is a man…but I guess I want him to be more “manly”

 

Other things I know are insignificant but continue to bother me:

-he’s always putting his hands on my belly (as if I were pregnant), and he just leaves them there..i always push them away (it makes me really self conscious, why not just touch my hand?)

-he’s always curling up to me…I want to be curling up to him, I honestly don’t feel like touching him by the time it’s bed time. I don’t even feel the need to wear sexy lingerie for him, or look good for him when he comes over.

-he’s scared of a lot…if he can’t do it better than me, he doesn’t want to do it (play pool, group sports, etc)

-I find myself getting annoyed with some of his habits (he’s got loose hands---this is going to sound bad—but sometimes he might be mistaken for being gay, he’s got a thick southern accent, and it doesn’t help that he goes “psshhhh” in every other sentence).

 

I have been known to give up great guys for stupid reasons. So I try to talk to him about some of this stuff. Like I tell him he should be more confident, or I told him to stop calling me “baby” ( I prefer something like “sweetie”), but some of it I don’t feel comfortable telling him (his hands---he moves them in more feminine ways than I move my own, and his always curling up to me, I need some space). I ask him not to bring me gifts all the time…I don’t need it, and I’m very independent. But he continues to do so. He seems to think I’m just being coy.

 

He and I are actually pretty similar in our mannerisms…and I feel like I act in similar ways when I’m smitten with someone….but I’m a girl! And I’m starting to find it annoying. Is there any other ways I can discuss this with him so I don’t give up a great guy b/c of my annoyances?

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You need to sit and talk to him, be very blunt and honest. It almost sounds like you have more things you don't like about him then things you do but that could be just me. If you really want to try and make this work then just talk to him and let him know everything you told us.

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you're right...i know you are. but how do you bring some of this stuff up?

 

one amazing thing about him is how much he likes my cats (my ex and i got these brother and sister cats a few years ago...) even though most guys get along with them...i can tell they are a bit taken back. but not this guy. he adores them.

 

but then...he tells me he wakes up every morning and just watches me sleep.

ok. that creeps me out. i tell him to stop. but apparently he continues to do it. he doesn't seem to realize that freaks me out. he seems to think of it as being sweet.

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OK I agree the watching you sleep thing is creepy if he does it a lot. In 10.5yrs of marriage I think I have only done that maybe a couple of times but it was after an amazing night. As for starting the talk just tell him " We need to talk as we have some issues we need to work out in order for us to continue being together..."

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The problem is that you think that we're supposed to want to be with people who are this "nice" and "caring" - even when the nice and caring comes from what seems to be a very insecure and approval-seeking place. To me, that type of "nice" is actually selfish, not giving because they are acting nice solely to get your approval (most people like approval for doing nice things but they dont' "need" the approval to the extent a very insecure person does).

 

For me, I like to be with someone who respects himself, who I know - without actually testing the limits - actually has limits (and yes you can know that - you sense it from how they behave and carry themselves - and sure almost every couple will see what those limits are during an argument).

 

I think the annoyance you feel comes from him being "too nice" - it grates on you and it results in your getting nitpicky about things he does, says, or doesn't say, how he says it.

 

Sure, you can tell him that you want to be with a partner, not a puppy dog but his likely response will be that "women" don't appreciate "nice guys." I dated a very insecure guy a few years ago (who showed it by being possessive, jealous a bit controlling, from very early on) and within three weeks it was obvious what was happening, I brought it up, he "tried" to change his behavior and it would work for a very short time. We dated for 7 weeks.

 

It sounds like you enjoy all the gifts and attention to an extent, so you need to decide whether it is worth the other stuff you're experiencing. (For me it would not be but that's just me).

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i think you're right to an extent. there are times his gifts and stuff..i do'nt know. i don't want them. i pride myself on being able to provide for myself. i dont' need these gifts. there are times he's so overly nice...i actually find myself being mean to him...for no other reason than i want him to stand up for himself.

 

he is genuinely a nice person. he always goes out of his way for other people (not just me). but some things that have annoyed me...i think he's told all of his work friends that we're dating...not really consulting me first. he always does nice things for people....but i know he doesn't enjoy always being that nice. he's always complaining about how he felt like he had to do this for this person.

i'm not like that. for my very close friends or someone i feel a close connection to..i'll go far out of my way...but not for everyone...when would i have time for myself? i tell him, if you don't want to do it. then DONT do it. and i secretly mean this about his actions towards me.

 

i don't want to hurt this guy at all. he's so nice. but i can't imagine another outcome of things dont improve.

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Batya pretty much said what I was thinking reading the post.

 

He sounds insecure, clingy, and that can be a whole lot of pressure on someone. What's the word? Dependent.

 

Like, doing these things because he wants/needs the approval. His actions and words all seem to scream "Love Me! Love Me, damn it!"

 

And sometimes folks like this have a passive-aggressive approach to conflicts. Has there been any conflict yet and how has he dealt with it?

When you have brought something up to him how did he react?

 

I'd talk to him about something minor to get a feel for how he is going to deal with some gentle criticism. See what he does. (Pout? Ignore it and pretend he doesn't understand? Tantrum? Cold shoulder? Directly dealing with it?)

 

In the end though, this is who he is right now. Personalities don't change very often, and when they do, not overnight.

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well...

 

I can understand what you mean-I think there is a nice balance out there of a nice, and yet very confident and masculine man...I think they are hard to find, but they are out there...

 

Nothing wrong with being caring, nice, good-hearted, but it's true I think that some women see those guys as more of a friend than a lover-

 

Got to have a mix of the two...give me your bf's number, I'll talk to him

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To me it sounds like he's the kind of guy that grew up with a big load of praise for every small good deed he ever made, and has now grown up to not just want, but need everyone around him to love him - and thereforeeee he does whatever he thinks necessary to receive his "good doggie!".

 

Then there's the fact that he does things without actually enjoying them and having no problem badmouthing people behind their backs, which suggests he might in fact also be lying about things he previously did in order to receive praise from an unrelated source - which in this chain of thoughts (to me), make him seem like a liar and a manipulative guy simply wearing his mask of consideration and kindness.

 

Come on girl, he's been dating you for 4 months and he is still unable to get your signals of what you do and don't like, simply continuing because of his own selfish need to do so. And if you want to break up with him, there's no need to feel bad for him as you will actually this way more likely be helping him by making him reflect on "why did she break up with me?" - and thus hopefully he can start to change. I'm afraid just telling him to change bluntly will not work - but you could try that as an alternative and see how it goes.

 

 

Best of luck!

 

//C.E.

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I'm a little bit confused by your post. He sounds like a nice guy who just has some weird things about him. We all do weird things. It makes us unique. Some people find things not so weird. It's all in your personality. What you have to decide is whether you like him enough to let these things "slide".

 

On the other side of the fence, I also have to say that you sound very selfish in your post. Part of being with someone is accepting who they are, and dare I say finding the positive in the things that you may find out of the ordinary, weird, or may even dislike. I have to tell you. There are people out there complaining about their boyfriends (or HUSBANDS even) doing things like this:

 

- drugs,

- getting drunk often

- sleeping with other women

- not making any time for you

- not being sweet and romantic to you

 

You are on here complaining about the following:

 

- he calls you baby

- he brings you gifts

- he cuddles up with you

- he has a southern accent

 

I am going to be harsh here, but it sounds like you don't deserve this guy. He also doesn't deserve someone as self-absorbed as you. I think you should dump him, and let him find a woman who appreciates him for WHO HE IS, not who you want him to be.

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'His actions and words all seem to scream "Love Me! Love Me, damn it!"'

 

(sorry, i don't know how to properly quote in here)

 

i know i'm lucky to have someone who is so into me. but honestly, it just reminds me of how into my ex i was and i realize when i behaved like that...how annoying i could be.

 

i can be a homebody. i'm swamped with work and school right now. and he puts all of his plans aside to come hang out with me at my home. he's constantly asking me to do couple things with his friends and their girlfriends, but i honestly, would rather sit at home and get stuff done. but it's so boring. he doesn't need to be there. i am not a person that is dying for that companionship. i tell him to go out with his friends. he says no...he doesn't want to.

 

his friend was having a birthday party about an hour and a half away several weeks ago. it was pouring and i just wanted to relax. i told him he should go with his roommate. a few hours later i get a call. he hadn't left. so he came over. and hung out. a week later, he sent me the on line album from the party. i knew no one from it. i didn't particularly care about the party. he sent it to show me that it was fun.

 

ok? so what? does he think that i cared? i had told him to go.

 

he did stop calling me baby, which makes me happy. but he seemed really hurt when i told him to stop. i don't want him to feel hurt.

 

i feel like he is begging for me to love him. but i can't love him unless he's honest with who he is and he's comfortable with himself and me.

 

every night before bed...he falls asleep on my couch. i tell him to go to bed, he refuses until i go. but i'm so busy, and that honestly feels like pressure to me. i want him to just go to bed and when i'm ready, i'll get into bed too.

 

i have a friend who's husband was kind of like this when they were dating. slowly through the years he's grown more confident and i can see how much more they have grown to love each other. i guess i was hoping this same sort of thing.

 

i've just grown to nitpick at him. i don't want to do that, but it seems to be the only way to get his attention. for example, although he's in good shape, he eats like crap (i'm pretty health conscious, so i can't keep up with him), he refused to go to a doctor...by chance he checked his blood pressure...and it was off the charts, he finally went to the doctor and she told him he was at heart attack level. he's 28. he literally would drink straight butter. i started gaining weight. which i don't like (i run races regularly and every pound matters), and i will not put up with it.

 

also, i can't see him trying to be more successful as far as his career goes. i'm constantly looking for opportunities to excel my career. although he's looked into other groups...nothing that seems to be actually taking him a step up in his career. but i don't know. i want to date someone who is just as successful and confident as i am. but we're still young.

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your'e very right. i very well might not deserve this guy.

 

at the same time. i want someone who loves himself enough. someone who is confident. i work very hard at everything i do. i'm far from perfect, i have a lot of weird habits myself, i have been dumped for no good reason myself.

 

i want to give him a chance. but he has to listen to me. he has to.

 

i think he's very attractive, but i don't want to do anything with him. he's starting to turn more into a friend. and that worries me. he's a great kisser, and his touch is really sweet. but i need someone who is confident. i find that sexy.

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Gradle, you're very lucky to have a guy that is very into you. From reading most of the threads on here and seeing the pain and the issues that people struggle with, in regards to relationships, I think most people would die to be in your shoes. It seems a lot of guys are mean, into themselves, and don't treat women well, from reading the threads on here.

 

I find the way he is behaving to be selfish and into himself - he does these things out of insecurity, not "for" her and complains about all he does for other people- watch out when he's reached his limit because people like that who repress hostility/disappointment often "lose it" at the last straw and it aint pretty. There is no indication that he's into her as opposed being into her approval.

There's a difference between being "mean" and "assertive" - assertive people who also do nice things and respect themselves are being sincere and setting certain limits.

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I am really getting the impression you already made up your mind that you don't want to be with him. Maybe you should be asking yourself that question? Sounds like right now you have so much in your life maybe you don't have room for anyone else other than dating once and awhile when you feel like it or have time for it.

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your'e very right. i very well might not deserve this guy.

 

at the same time. i want someone who loves himself enough. someone who is confident. i work very hard at everything i do. i'm far from perfect, i have a lot of weird habits myself, i have been dumped for no good reason myself.

 

i want to give him a chance. but he has to listen to me. he has to.

 

i think he's very attractive, but i don't want to do anything with him. he's starting to turn more into a friend. and that worries me. he's a great kisser, and his touch is really sweet. but i need someone who is confident. i find that sexy.

 

Me too - confidence is sexy. You do deserve someone who has a reasonable level of self respect. Otherwise, every time you feel like bringing up an issue you will feel guilty because he will internalize everything you do that bothers him for fear of losing you so it will always be one sided and you likely will feel guilty.

 

It sounds like you are with him based on "should" that you "should" want to be with someone who is "so nice" - it's ok not to want to be with him.

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My last ex was like your guy. He was always worried about offending me and stuff like that, and he was so insecure in a lot of ways. He was also in awe of me a lot of times because I was successful, had money, had my own place, drove, etc. And he was clingy. Maybe that's the reason I lost my feelings for him. I dunno. But I didn't break up with him, I just pulled away from him and found everything he did annoying and I nitpicked at him ALL THE TIME. At the end, he broke up with me, because I also really treated him badly.

 

Guess what, I missed him and the stuff he did for me and the way he was so nice and clingy to me, and I would love to find a guy like that again, not necessarily my ex since we were very incompatible in many ways.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, don't dis what you have, because when it's gone, you just might regret that.

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Yes, it is easy to miss the nice stuff and to forget the package it came with - the neediness, clinginess and repressed feelings - including anger - from the insecure person who is afraid to set limits and boundaries.

 

I agree that some "space" might work - nothing to lose - but don't be surprised if he freaks out and you get the "all I've done for you" speech.

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Not all women want a guy who is a pushover. Some of us who are very independent and who are assertive NEED - no we crave - that in our partners.

 

I know we are going to get a few responses from people calling you ungrateful, suck it up yada yada yada but you know what is right for you.

 

He is a great guy for the RIGHT woman. Apparently you are not that woman. And i couldn't be either. I don't like men who are pushovers. I like them confident and assertive because I feel that is how I am and i want a man who is my equal. Contrary to Cinderella and other fairytales many women do not want to be on a pedestal. She wants to walk BESIDE her man. Not in front, not in behind.

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i think that's how i feel...i want a partner...not a puppy dog.

 

it's hard though. i know i deserve someone who is this sweet to me. but it's not someone who i would go for. i tend to go for people who intellectually stimulate me. who see me as independent and successful, will respect that and allow me to continue being that way.

 

it's hard. his friends adore him. and i feel the push from even them to get us closer. a lot of my friends think he's the best (i tend to like a challenge, so they seem to love me just being loved). but i honestly just end up feeling smothered.

 

at the same time. this is terrible to say..it's about that time of the month. i've had a lot of issues with exes in past month. so it's been very emotional. and i have loads of papers and presentations to do for school, all while working 10-12 hour days. i might just be overwhelmed and need some space to breathe.

 

at the same time. i really appreciate everyone who has responded so far. (and future responses!) i really enjoy forcing myself to question what's really going on here.

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hey gradle - nice to hear from you! i think i am kind of like you in that respect, i tend to gravitate towards aloof men, and when a guy comes on too strong, it's a turnoff. but the aloof men are not so great, because they are sort of unemotional and don't really care if you stay or go. that isn't good either.

 

do you want a relationship right now? it sounds like you'd rather focus on school and work right now rather than plan your future with this man.... nothing wrong with that, there's no law saying we must be in a relationship....

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