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Thread: So You're Significant Other Has to Blow Up to Relieve Stress?

  1. #1
    Platinum Member I'mThatGirl's Avatar
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    So You're Significant Other Has to Blow Up to Relieve Stress?

    I know there HAS to be others that have been through this....

    My boyfriend... Sigh...

    Things are usually very great - we work together. He's going through somewhat continuous stress with going to court to try to get set visitation of his daughter.

    It seems as though every couple or few months there is a trigger. The most recent, a few weeks ago, his court hearing got rescheduled.

    So - I knew that things may be rocky. For weeks, he was quick tempered, grouchy, critical of my every move. I ignored most of it, figuring it was just him having bad days / and I was getting the brunt of it.

    Finally, I decide to try to talk to him. He immediately got defensive, angry, "maybe we just shouldn't be together..." Then for 2 days, angry emails, text messages, etc.

    Finally, we talk Saturday night for a little bit both agree we want to have a future together. And then last night, he came over and is acting completely relaxed again...

    I need to know how to get over this. I can't deal with this continuously. But do love him much and want to work on this. He just seems to get so Angry - at the world. And can't release it... until he has a blow up with me?

  2. #2
    Bronze Member bleeder's Avatar
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    Hi I'mThatGirl,

    At times, when you deal with emotional outbursts such as these, it might strike you as a natural progression of feelings perhaps, or even necessary for your partner to feel at ease with themselves once again. However, allow me to stress on the words "at times".

    In retrospect, no, it isn't right at all for your partner to unleash his anger on you irregardless of the situation, unless you have consciously done something to anger him, which is a whole different scenario altogether. Let's look at things this way. Each and every one of us have our own share of bad days, but we do not go seeking out our partners as emotional punching bags everytime these occur. Our partners are there to empathize with us, or to provide a listening ear, and they are NOT there to withstand such abuse.

    While I understand that you do care for him, take two steps back and analyze the situation. Ask yourself if his actions are appropriate, which I can't say I agree to. If you can summon enough courage and assertion, stand up to him and tell him how you feel, but of course, be nice and tactful with your words. Let him know that you do care, but you cannot be there for such treatment.

    I hope this helps.

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    Platinum Member I'mThatGirl's Avatar
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    Thank you Bleeder for your thoughts and knowledge. I agree with you. It is very unhealthy.

    Most of the time, things are really good. That doesn't mean that I should just accept this behavior when he chooses to dish it out.

    I need some assistance on options for solving this? I know ultimately, he has to want to change this. Is there anyone that has went through this and successfully defeated this type of problem?

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    Platinum Member ghost69's Avatar
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    maybe give him space to finally finish up whatever he needs to do with his daughter. sounds as though you might really be the only person around. this is why you would catch the most of his lashins. but you need to tell him that his outbursts are bothering you. he needs to realize what he is doing to you and your relationship. if he is really serious about you, he will show it when he apologizes and stops the problem.

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    Platinum Member I'mThatGirl's Avatar
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    Thank you, Ghost for your thoughts. Part of my problem with this is that he rarely accepts responsibility for his actions. He blows up but it's my fault for trying to communicate with him (I communicate calmly, maturely...)

    I am trying to think through things logically once again. Bad thing in regards to my relationship is that means that I'm not making excuses for him. . . I am honestly thinking we'd do better not seeing each other. At least for a few months. We used to end up taking "breaks" all the time. I thought we were over that. But fact is, he's continues to be critical and blow up. Apparently I don't do enough of this or that (laundry, use to much water, don't discipline my kids enough, run to hometown to much to transport kids to dad's, don't take them to their dad's enough, etc. etc.)

    Point being, I think I'm tired of thinking "If I do this better, if I change this, then....., then he 'might' like me enough to have a future with me." We've been doing this for over a year. It's been enough time to decide in my opinion.

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    Platinum Member ghost69's Avatar
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    i don't think you need to change. it's his problem. too many women question their actions when a bad guy makes them feel that way. you shouldn't do this. you know who you are and know you are a caring person. never change who you are or question yourself in these situations. sure, some people need time to fix problems. but when it's not yours, don't try and get around it. THEY need to change. if THEY are as into the relationship as you are, the behavior will change. but they need to do it on their own.

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    Platinum Member I'mThatGirl's Avatar
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    Thank you much. I keep thinking along the same lines today.

    As I read through yours, then mine, I look at my avatar and think - who is that girl. Was that really just a few months ago? lol That was a free spirited time... Back when we were not together.

    I want to laugh . . . .. like there is no tomorrow. Smile, feel relaxed, happy, enjoy life.... Not worry so much and wonder if I'm going to get griped at because I didn't do enough in a day.

    Thanks again, Ghost! Have a great weekend!

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    Platinum Member ghost69's Avatar
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    any developments? everything okay?

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    Bronze Member bleeder's Avatar
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    Bottom line is, a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not wreck it. I hope things are on the upscale for you.

    You're right. You need not take it lying down everytime he dishes out his share of nonsense. Just make it known that you can help him if he allows you to, but not when you are taken for any form of emotional abuse. Be wise.


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