Divorce and Children....

What does this usually entail??? How does custody usually turn out? How traumatic is it for the children?

Do children fare better in an unhappy household? Or when their parents are divorced and happier than they were when they were together?

Any information would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

~Grace

I recently read an article - wish I knew where - talking about how children are not destroyed by divorce - they are negatively affected by a BITTER divorce.

I can tell you I firmly believe that it is better for a child to be in a happy household (be it single parent, remarriage, etc) even if that means their parents divorce, than an unhappy one. Not only does that negative energy affect them greatly, it teaches them what to expect (or rather how little to expect) from their own relationships in the future.

I say this from my own personal experience. I was 7 when my parents divorced. My father was a cheater, and he left for his mistress while my mother was 7 months pregnant with her third child (my baby sister).

I remember my mother being so unhappy in the marriage - I only heard them fight a couple times (they usually kept it from us) but I KNEW she was hurting.

The divorce was surprisingly "amicable". Not easy, but both my parents made sure to not let the "ugliness" of the situation actually hurt us as kids. They NEVER said a bad word about one another, or pitted us against the other. I did not even realize there were some ongoing issues around child support until I was much, much older (he did not like to pay regularly though it was cheap and he got off easy - my mum actually sent him a letter releasing him from obligations last month as while my younger sister is still a dependent she told him he is "free" from paying).

Even 20-odd years later, the worst my mum has ever said was (after she was diagnosed with cancer and my dad found out) - "I do NOT want him to visit me at the hospital, promise me you won't let him. I don't hate him or what he did to me, but I hate what he did to you kids" referring more to the years following the split.

Custody was joint, but primary care and control was with my mum - they agreed to this together as he remarried and had a new child on way anyway.

For the first four or five years he would see us fairly regularly; but then he kinda stopped. I talk to him maybe once a year, and have not seen him in several years - but that is a whole other situation entirely (and what my mother referred to us "hating what he did to us kids").

My mum met my stepfather a few months after the separation - they have been together 22+ years raised a blended family, been through thick and thin together and are still in love. They are best friends, and love doing things together (travelling, dancing...) - I bust them kissing in the kitchen when I go home sometimes.....I learned far more about the values of love, respect, and the importance of being free to be the individual you are from my mother and my stepfather than I ever would of if my mother and father stayed together. I believe I am a happier person for it, and also have made better choices about my own relationships/partners than I would of if my parents had not divorced.

Children want a safe, secure, stable home. If their home is peaceful and they're loved, they'd rather their parents stay together. If it's not a home like that, they'd rather have things shift to make the safe, secure, stable, peaceful home they need.

I've made sure that my home is exactly what our daughter needs. I keep it warm and clean. I make sure she brushes her teeth and does her homework. We have dinner together. We watch chick flicks together. She prefers to be here and my husband doesn't mind. It allows him more time to see his pothead girlfriend.

"As the twig is bent, so shall grow the tree."

I have read articles pushing ever possible scenario, and I raised my daughter alone after a divorce, her father was minimally involved in her life.

I know from other children her age that had parent who used the children against each other that the children suffer.

I believe it is important for the parents to put aside their differences for the sake of their children and no say negative things about the other to the children. I believe it affects children even when parents try to do it as perfectly as they can, but the other side is children are also hurt by a continued bad marriage.

Children learn by what they see others do, so if mom is being emotionally abused or dad is being degraded, they learn that is an acceptable behavior.

We owe our children the best example we can live. Within that context, we have to find the answer for each individual situation.

America as a nation is a dismal failure at balancing divorce and children. Just look at all the lost kids in this country. Look at the horrendous gang problem that's getting worst every day. Today, children pay the price. Tomorrow, the entire country will pay.

I know a couple who went through a very bitter divorce. They had a beautiful 13 year old daughter. She committed suicide. She left a note saying it wasn't fair for the ones she loved the most to put her through what she went trough. The Worst thing is, neither one of them even noticed her suffering until it was too late.