E-mailing with married man

Hi all. A married man contacted me on a popular "reunion" site for classmates (not a dating site in the least). He said we had gone to 2 different schools together for years but admitted we didn't know each other back then. I don't remember him. In my first e-mail in response - I was chatty and threw in that I have a great boyfriend, life is good, etc. (Yes this is the same guy I posted about who asked if I had kids).

I have zero interest in him in any romantic sense or romantic potential, not only because I am in a relationship and he is married but just because I have no interest aside from all that for several reasons. He happens to live far away.

I get the sense - not from anything he said specifically in his e-mails - that he might not be thrilled in his marriage. If he said anything specific, I would end the e-mails. If he said anything flirty, inappropriate, suggestive, etc I would end the e-mails. So far, for the last week or so he's been e-mailing me almost every day with typical day to day stuff and also about his job, his arts-related interests, his kids, etc. I've asked a bit about his wife to make sure that this was on the up and up and he told me what she does for a living, etc.

He's been e-mailing a lot for someone I don't know which is one factor in my sense that all is not great with his marriage, but I could be wrong.

Given that I am not flirting in the least, that my e-mails could be read by anyone including his wife and are completely harmless, pure, you name it, even with all that - do I have any obligation to cut this off at this point - it wouldn't be a big deal for me to do so but it would seem a little rude and of course I couldn't tell him it was because of his marriage.

Is he doing anything wrong? And if he is is it my problem? (for the record, no I would not like if my boyfriend was doing this unless they had known each other well back then as friends or there was a business/networking reason for the contact).

Obviously not a huge problem but I posted it here because I thought I would get opinions from other attached or married people (as opposed to putting this in cyber relationships).

Since you mention that he is unhappy in his marriage, he probably has no one that he feels comfortable with telling. It's easier for him to send the info to the other side of the country than actually discuss this with a closer friend or his wife. I don't feel that you are doing anything wrong except trying to help out an old classmate. If I found out that my bf was doing this, I would be slightly concerned but if he had included me from the get-go, it wouldn't be a problem. So perhaps you should tell your bf? it's just a good habit to always practice even if the situation is iffy on whether or not he needs to be involved.

and yes, he is sort of doing something wrong because he is complaining about his marriage to an almost complete stranger. It's not healthy for a relationship.

Thanks. He has not complained about his marriage. He has said his wife did not want to join in with a hobby he has (a creative art) even though she said she did. I did not respond to that. He also said parenting is busy (typical and understandable). Just a sense. You are right re my boyfriend. I told him when the first email arrived but I will tell him again. I can predict his reaction. He won't think I am doing anything wrong but will find the guy's behavior odd. But I will tell him again (nothing to hise, we've just been busy and talking of other far more important stuff!). Thanks very much for your input!

Stay away from married man.

To me his behavior does seem a little odd/desperate since you were not good friends. Apparently he noticed you back then more than you noticed him, which means he was desperate back then also. Doesn't necessarily sound like good friendship material. Alternately, he could be a cyber stalker who is making false claims. Either way, sounds odd.

I had a similar situation, but reverse. I am married and started communicating with some of my classmates in advance of a reunion. One of these was a friend and unrequited love interest of mine in high school. It was enjoyable to catch up with her, but after a few emails, I started to feel like I had no further interest in continuing the conversation. I was married, she was divorced and seemed lonely. Seemed to me it would be an unbalanced relationship at present. At risk of looking rude, I found some round about way of saying it will be great to talk at the reunion and it was nice to catch up, but I will not be sending more emails.

Aside from the first point, are you enjoying the conversation? If not, I say you owe nothing to this guy, make some excuse and stop the conversation. Don't worry too much about being polite.

Yes,stay away from married people.Especially as it's someone you can't even remember or know.They choose to get married so let them live with their choice.

What's up, Batya

I'm not married, but I can tell you that I wouldn't like it. The fact that you don't know who this guy is would make me not like it even more. Like you say, had you been friends with this guy or could even identify him, I wouldn't mind a one-day chat. But everyday is out of the question.

He sounds like a very off person. And I can sense that he has motives. Cause people that are married that do these kinds of things are usually missing something and are searching to fill that void.

A guy that I work with did the same thing to me. Not only do we work in the same building, but his wife does too. He sent me e-mails, asking me my age and then we started talking about the job. Then he started to shift the conversation into a flirt and started asking me about my personal sex life. I ended it there.

The whole time, I should have told his wife, but I didn't want to cause any trouble. Plus, I handled it so I didn't think it was necessary. You should stop e-mailing him. He is wrong, but I would only say that you were wrong if you didn't let your boyfriend know about this guy. You are not obligated to him, but you are obligated to your boyfriend and even though he may seem cool about it, I wouldn't have the impression that he really is. I would just not respond to his e-mails anymore if I were you.

Batya,

My best advice I can offer is if you feel like he might be looking for companionship outside his marriage and get the feeling that he's not thrilled in it, perhaps you should pay attention to your gut feeling and tell him that the emailing is a bit too frequent for two people in committed relationships and back off some.

I'm pretty sure in your shoes that is what I would do.

Does his wife know about your communication?

Hi Batya.

I think this guy sounds a little bit strange. It could very well be that he is not looking for anything romantic either- but just the mere fact that he is sharing so much info with a stranger (and you are essentially a stranger to him since you were not really friends when you attended the same school) is weird. He might be looking for an emotional crutch at the very least.

My husband is in contact with some of his female high school friends- they reconnected recently after a high school reunion. However we hang out with them and their husbands/boyfriends as couples because they also have infants like we do, so it works out well. Honestly, if he just began e-mailing women that he went to high school with and telling them his daily events almost like a journal- I would not like it.

Is he doing anything wrong?

I suppose it all depends on whether his wife knows that he is contacting you and if she thinks it's ok.

And if he is is it my problem?

No. But if I were you I'd try to let the contact taper away since your gut tells you that he might not be happy in his marriage and that something might be odd about the whole thing. Besides, what's the point in talking to him anyway?

Does your boyfriend think he is strange?

I don't think that when it comes to friendship, that you need to stay away from married people all together and treat them like they have the plague. Married people are perfectly capable of having platonic friendships with the opposite sex- but I've found that in most situations, they will involve their SPOUSE as part of the friendship in some way- if it seems otherwise then there could be something a little off.

Your gut is telling you something might not be right, since you posted about it here, so I would follow your instincts.

BellaDonna

Batya,

I've read enough of your posts to know that you are smart, grounded and rational. So I'm kind of surprised to read this post of yours. I think you know that the best thing to do is to stop e-mailing him, especially given that he's making any sort of complaint about his wife, however slight, in private correspondence with another woman.

If I were you, I'd casually end the correspondence and put it out of your mind before your curiosity gets the best of you.

Hi Batya,

For someone you don't even remember it does seem a bit much.

I would maybe imagine it was an initial burst of excitement at talking to a classmate that has him e-mailing so much, I would hope so anyway.

I think maybe dropping a few hints about being busy at work or something might be an easy way to send a message. Then, reduce your correspondence.

A white lie, but personally I have found them handy in awkward situations like this.

Hopefully he will run out of reminiscing and step it way down.

Jeff

Thank you all for your responses - I don't know about you all but I found the range of responses very interesting and insightful. As some of you may know I am fine with platonic relationships with members of the other gender even if married/attached and I don't consider this cheating on his part or mine, but those of you who mentioned that since I sense that his motive might be boredom or discontent with his wife/family that while it is 100% fine, innocent now, what good can come of it.

In answer to your questions - I don't know if his wife knows and I did not ask (but as I mentioned I would have no worries about her reading my e-mails to him). My boyfriend knows that he contacted me but does not know about the daily e-mails, again, not because I have anything to hide but we've both been busy and when we get to talk we have other (more important) things to discuss. But I will tell him over the holidays when we have a moment to breathe.

I do not agree that someone's decision to get married means he or she has to restrict all contact with members of the opposite sex as friends but that point was interesting too (just the different extremes).

Right now my decision (I think someone else advised this) is to let it fade off/taper off so that there is no abrupt ending and thereforeeee no need for any explanation much less a confrontation. I have plenty of e-mail penpals (including some wonderful ones from this forum!) so that perhaps if he wanted to exchange an e-mail twice a year or less, fine, but I don't need the back and forth in my life, for several reasons.

Thanks to all.

I think the red flags to keep an eye out for are any less-than-kind wife talk or flirting. That's when you start to cross the friendship boundary.

Thanks. He e-mailed today and my decision is not to respond. Chances are he will e-mail again.

Thanks. He e-mailed today and my decision is not to respond. Chances are he will e-mail again.

He'll probably get the hint if you respond less and less.

Good luck.

So far, for the last week or so he's been e-mailing me almost every day with typical day to day stuff and also about his job, his arts-related interests, his kids, etc. I've asked a bit about his wife to make sure that this was on the up and up and he told me what she does for a living, etc.

Yeah, I would have a pretty strong gut feel about where he eventually would have headed with this.

Even if he kept it all completely harmless into the future, I think it's better you nip it in the bud.

I have no problem with platonic opposite sex friends either but a guy who contacts you out of the blue after many years and starts having "friendlier than he should" email chats with you probably fair chance he is heading somewhere with that.

can u just block his address? or are you interested in what he has to say?

No need to block at this point. I haven't responded to his latest e-mail - don't plan to - and we'll see if he e-mails again. I would only block someone if they were being offensive or "stalking" which he is not doing.

Married men are poison unless you happen to be the wife. Stay away. There's no good there.

Married men are poison unless you happen to be the wife. Stay away. There's no good there.

LOL - I disagree- one of my close friends is a married man. We've been friends for a dozen years (met before he was married, as classmates), we speak almost every day, meet for lunch every few months at least, we've never dated, never had any romantic interaction whatsoever, never wanted to. He's a great and faithful husband and dad. I am friendly with his wife, too. My life would be a very restrictive, closed experience if I stayed away from every man as a potential friend or ended a friendship just because he was married (and my boyfriend would agree!).

most wives would say married men are poison too. even theirs.

Hi Batya,

From what I have read, you have done nothing wrong. It does seem strange, though, that you don't know each other but he keeps emailing. Sounds as though he is a bit lonely.

However, what matters is that YOU feel a bit uncomfortable with his emails. I understand that you have told your boyfriend and believe that opposite sexes can be friends. (I do too, for the record.) But something is telling you this isn't right. Your feeling about it bothered you enough to post about it.

I think what you're doing now is the right thing -- don't respond. I would treat him as my sister did with a work "friend" a few years ago. She didn't want to correspond with her anymore, so she kept staggering her emails further and further apart until the correspondence disappeared altogether. Perhaps you can do that if you're worried about appearing rude.

Good luck!

I'm posting this update just to show one way (of many!) these "situations" resolve. I spoke to my boyfriend about it today. He remembered when this guy started e-mailing a few weeks ago. He said that he found it weird that he e-mailed me every day given that we didn't know each other but thought I encouraged the emails continuing by responding (true). He was glad I was nipping it in the bud now, after a short time. He said he would find it weird even if it was a woman but of course he finds it weirder because it's a man and especially a married man.

He said he would be fine if I felt like keeping in touch and if I felt like meeting him to catch up if the guy was ever in town. Since I told him I didn't he agreed that it was best to cut off communication now.

As a "p.s." I did not respond to the guy's email yesterday. he sent another chatty email today about this thanksgiving plans and asked about mine. I don't plan on responding unless and until he asks me why I am not responding. If that happens I will write back something like "sorry -- very busy --- will respond when things calm down." and then not respond.

I wanted to add that the reasons I responded were (1) "why not" - they were harmless enough and mostly about our college and our work now; (2) I have a number of email penpals so it's normal for me to write back and forth with people; and (3) just avoiding the awkwardness of stopping. maybe not the best reasons but there you have it.

Thank you to all.

the awkwardness of stopping? pfft, i find it awkward to have anything with anybody like this.

Thanks for sharing your opinion. I find it awkward to abruptly cut off contact with people of any kind. It's great when the other person takes the hint immediately but often that does not happen.