LDR Survival Skills: Fact or Myth?

I just want to know, are these skills a gift or can we actually learn them? I guess I stopped believing in them, or maybe I'm just PMSing

I guess I'm just the sensitive, insecure type that needs to have constant contact or else I'll sense some dysfunction in the relationship. My relationship with my fiance has always been great, but recently we've been facing the ups and downs of our new form of LDR.

At first, I had a combination of feelings (anger, abandonment, depression, resentment, sadness, irritation, confusion, distance, loneliness and more distance). But at the end I just realized that it all boiled down to one feeling, I really miss him.

We talk every day, but with his tight schedule we don't have time to talk as much as we used to or as much as we are supposed to. We don't have all the time to share everything, which is making it hard for me to feel emotionally bonded to him as much as I used to; and this is causing problems.

He's not happy about us as well, but he is the more realstic one of us two and he believes that all we need is reassurance. Reassurance doesn't seem to help me as much as it helps him, I'm tired of feeling the way I do and I just don't know what to do anymore..

You simply have to see his place in your life as a plus, and accept the challenges as a given. If you had no one special in your life, would you feel less angry and frustrated? I doubt it. If he's a fiance, this is an opportunity to test that mutual devotion.

Still, it sucks to be apart, doesn't it?

LDR's work when both parties want to be together with identical intensity, putting forth identical effort. Anything LESS on either side is going to create the feelings you're feeling now, for the one that is still putting forth the effort.

Is it possible that your feelings are as a result of something he is doing (or not doing) in the relationship, from your perspective?

You simply have to see his place in your life as a plus, and accept the challenges as a given. If you had no one special in your life, would you feel less angry and frustrated? I doubt it. If he's a fiance, this is an opportunity to test that mutual devotion.

 

Still, it sucks to be apart, doesn't it?

Yes, it sucks big TIME!

Thanks a lot Dako, you always make me feel better. I will keep what you said in mind, because that way I'll be focusing on the positive instead of the opposite, which is what I'm currently doing.

LDR's work when both parties want to be together with identical intensity, putting forth identical effort. Anything LESS on either side is going to create the feelings you're feeling now, for the one that is still putting forth the effort.

 

Is it possible that your feelings are as a result of something he is doing (or not doing) in the relationship, from your perspective?

We both want to be together with identical intensity and are both putting forth identical effort.

Our problem is that we are both dealing with the distance differently; I seek reassurance through communication, he on the other hand is reassured through words of affirmation. An "I love you" is enough to make him hang on for a while. Unfortunately, that doesn't work for me.

I think because we have very limited communication time, it's easier for him to get the reassurance he needs but almost impossible for me to get the same.

So even if it's not ideal for us both, he's handelling it better than I am, or at least I think he is.

I think relationships are often a dance of intimacy so the "intensity" might not always match perfectly and that's where trust and self esteem come into play- you have to trust that the person cares about you even if on that particular day things are a bit off or external circumstances mean less attention. To me it's not as much about identical intensity but whether each person feels comfortable with the level of intensity. I am in somewhat of an LDR - we live hundreds of miles apart and see each other for 3-5 days every 10-11 days. We speak at least once a day, exchange e-mails and it's very rare that either of us gets insecure about the other's bond, connection or feelings. When it does happen to me it's usually because I'm sleep deprived or stressed out about something else.

If you find yourself measuring "who loves who more" regularly that to me would be a sign of either a problem in the relationship or a level of insecurity (not his fault necesarily) that is causing irrational anxiety.

I do trust him, but I'll have to say I am an insecure person and the LDR has made me an insecure freak I guess.

I think it's great that you guys get to see each other that much and I think this plays a role in the level of security you guys have. As for us, it's been months since we've been together, he's been very busy due to an increase in his working hours, he's building himself towards a possible promotion. I'm so proud of him but I guess I'm too engrossed in my emotions that I rarely tell him that.

I never measured who loves who more and I never question his love for me. What I said was that we deal with things differently. The fact that he is handelling it better than I am, makes me feel that this whole thing is easy for him when it's not. Like me he's not a big fan of LDRs but I guess he's just being a man about. I might need to try that too.

I'm not sure if I explained the whole thing clearly, as I have posted about this issue before. But what I was trying to say, is that the LDR does not allow for enough time together, let alone being physically together. As a result, it builds emotional distance. We have very little time to talk and for the past week we haven't been using it wisely. I know I'm insecure, but spending time with a loved one is a basic human need, even those in LDRs.

I do understand. It is one reason why I would not want to be in any sort of long term LDR. My bf and I are LD only for part of the year (and we see each other every 10 days or so). I too might feel insecure or too caught up in the fantasy aspects of an LDR. When do you plan to live in the same city?

I like the idea of a partial LDR, at least it's reasonable. We will be living in the same city in two years or so, once we get settled in our careers.

I know that compared to other LDRs, two years is good. But, it's very hard to be that far and still feel the bond. I love him so much and I hate that I'm a complete novice when it comes to these things.

It's been a while since I've felt that it's only the two of us. I always remind myself that he has demanding working hours and that we shouldn't stay that long on the phone. It hurts, I know this might sound weird, but it's as if his work is his new mistress. I sometimes feel a bit jealous of his work, whatever that might be, an office, a desk, four walls or even some scattered documents. I hope I didn't come off as a freak.

What helps me in my LDR is that we both have highly demanding jobs and I am very proud of and supportive of his career so I remind myself of that when we cannot have as long a conversation as I (we) would like. In your case I would talk seriously about shortening that two years - that is a long time, no?

I don't consider you to be freakish (you sound a like I did a few months ago). A couple months ago, my bf and reunited after over a year's worth of LD.

The ease of my year seemed a bit cyclical. We'd see each every three-five month. I was usually very confident for the first two months after being together and then the distance seemed to compound on itself (and I'd start getting jealous of every thing he was in contact with... sounds crazy I know). As soon as I was with him or even had the opportunity to have a a quality conversation, though, I would calm down...

Beyond your LDR are you happy? I always found that as soon as I became entangled in stress outside of my relationship, I would begin to feel especially down.

We have very little time to talk and for the past week we haven't been using it wisely. I know I'm insecure, but spending time with a loved one is a basic human need, even those in LDRs.

Is it possible to schedule your calls or webcam sessions (as in, designate a couple hours on the weekend to reconnect)? I know this may sound a bit too structured--as if your compartmentalizing your relationship--but by doing so, you could plan on using your time wisely....

What helps me in my LDR is that we both have highly demanding jobs and I am very proud of and supportive of his career so I remind myself of that when we cannot have as long a conversation as I (we) would like. In your case I would talk seriously about shortening that two years - that is a long time, no?

We had that talk, but with his work and my studies, it's almost impossible. We made a tough decision and I guess we have to be tough in order to stick to it.

My parents were LD for over 4 years while they were engaged so that my father could finish his studies, over fifty years ago. What now takes less than an hour by plane took him an 8 hour train ride to visit her, which they did about once a month. Telephone calls were too expensive for every day but they wrote letters to each other. I don't think my mom would have agreed unless they were engaged They've been married over 50 years so I guess it worked out ok ;-)

I don't consider you to be freakish (you sound a like I did a few months ago). A couple months ago, my bf and reunited after over a year's worth of LD.

 

The ease of my year seemed a bit cyclical. We'd see each every three-five month. I was usually very confident for the first two months after being together and then the distance seemed to compound on itself (and I'd start getting jealous of every thing he was in contact with... sounds crazy I know). As soon as I was with him or even had the opportunity to have a a quality conversation, though, I would calm down...

 

Beyond your LDR are you happy? I always found that as soon as I became entangled in stress outside of my relationship, I would begin to feel especially down.

Thanks, that's really helpful; as long as someone tells me I'm no freak, I'm able to feel comfortable in my own skin again.

I wouldn't say I'm happy. I'm kind of stuck in a rut in my life now. My social, academic and career life are currently hitting a bumpy road. Things are on their way to change, but I assume it'll take some time. All of these factors have contributed to my depression, mild depression if I may correct myself. I'm ok, but I'm not ok at the same time, you know? And I guess that besides him not understanding that I have different needs than him regarding reassuarance and secuirty, he also doesn't understand the things I'm going through. He's been so busy and I guess I haven't been that open about the things that are going on in my life. I kind of saved the time we have for all the good or positive things.

I think scheduling phone time during weekends is an excellent idea, because he is free and less exhausted during the weekend.

My parents were LD for over 4 years while they were engaged so that my father could finish his studies, over fifty years ago. What now takes less than an hour by plane took him an 8 hour train ride to visit her, which they did about once a month. Telephone calls were too expensive for every day but they wrote letters to each other. I don't think my mom would have agreed unless they were engaged They've been married over 50 years so I guess it worked out ok ;-)

Oh you mean visiting in between? Or shortening the time of living in the same city again?

We will definitely meet up once things are setteled with his work, and between us of course.

I meant shortening the time as far as living in the same city.

Oh, we talked about that, but it's impossible. We'll have to go through the distance and the pain if we want to succeed in our professional lives and resume whatever each of us started at his or her current location.

It's tough, because we want to be with together, but we also can't until the time is right.

My boyfriend and I never have time to talk during the week either. We save that for weekends and have a time that is designated to talk. Other than that, just texting through the day and the occasional email. Its tough, and I get lonely and frustrated at times, but we make it work somehow.

Once again, I fail to be an understanding partner and I fail in trying to make him understand me.