I'm not doing it properly

This could be in several different categories but it fits this one the most I think. Five and a half weeks ago my girlfriend chose to die. I'm not dealing with it particularly well, as you might expect. But I can't seem to grieve properly. I know about the stages of grief but I can't seem to get to them. It's been nearly six weeks and I haven't cried. I haven't shouted. I haven't done anything. The first six days I sat on my own in my flat, in the dark, in silence. Then I went back to work. I'm working a lot and I'm not sleeping. Other than that there's just nothing.

People keep telling me what I "need" to be doing. I should be letting my emotions out (I don't have any). I should be getting out of the house (Why?).

I shouldn't be working so much (Why?) I'm not eating properly (I'm not hungry). I should go to the doctor (So he can numb me even more? No thankyou). I should let it all out (there's nothing to let out). I should take care of myself better (What for?) It goes on and on and on. What I want is to be left alone and allowed to just stay. I don't want to move on. Nobody gets it. They think I'm angry at her but I'm not. I'm sad.

i don't think there is any proper way to grieve.

everyone does it in there own way.

i think everyone is just trying to help you by suggesting to do stuff, but you need to do what ever makes me feel better.

Hi there,

I'm sorry for your loss. To be honest, it sounds like classic grief symptoms - the numbness and depression that you are experiencing. Nothing is 'right' or 'wrong', you feel what you feel.

It's hard, but you need to do things even if they don't seem important - looking after your health, your body, will alllow you to function properly. You need to be gentle with yourself, and forgive yourself. Lack of sleep and nourishment may mean that you're more prone to infections and illness, so eating little and often and getting rest if at all possible are both important.

Take exercise. If possible do some form of exercise, even if it's only a gentle walk.

Avoid alcohol. Reliance on alcohol may help temporarily to dull the pain, but in the long run it doesn't help.

Be kind to yourself. Try to do one thing extra for yourself each week, such as buying yourself a bunch of flowers or going to the cinema.

Deal with your feelings. Write down all the feelings that are in your head, even if they don't seem like the ones that you SHOULD have. You feel what you feel, and that's absolutely fine.

Do you want to share more with us about what happened? I don't understand about the 'choosing to die' - did your girlfriend commit suicide? Or refuse treatment? It would help with the advice you get if you want to share a little bit more

Take good care of yourself.

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your girlfriend. And it must be extremely difficult for you, too.

To be honest, you are grieving properly.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross is the psychologist/psychiatrist that invented the stages of the grieving process. They are the normal human reactions to loss. But they aren't set in stone. Everyone is differnt, and as such, reacts to loss differently.

What I want is to be left alone and allowed to just stay. I don't want to move on. Nobody gets it. They think I'm angry at her but I'm not. I'm sad.

It's six weeks. I can guarantee you are in depression. If you feel numb, then that's where you are. Time is one of the only things that can help you, unless you eventually seek professional help.

But where you are at...the depression...is a stage in the grieving process. It can last for hours, or it can last for years if you let it. The ultimate goal is to reach acceptance. Take as much time as you need. If you feel like staying in for the rest of the year, then do it!

But you need to start to move on eventually. You need to accept what happened and eventually move past it. I wish you the best of luck, because it won't be easy.

Keep posting on here. We're all here for you.

Nobody should be telling you what you "need" to be doing.

everybody is different and has their own ways of greiving, of course its going to be hard, she was your girlfriend and you obviously cared for her alot.

But it takes time, and you deal with it in your own way.

i dont think you should be looking up the stages on greiving and analysing wether you've reached them or not - its not about that. You will get there in your own way and time when you feel your ready.

Yeah. She did it herself.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I think your family and friends are worried about you and sometimes, when people close to us worry, they think they are helping by telling you what you "should" be doing. They likely aren't sure how else to help you.

The emotions you are going through though, I think are quite alright. It's only been six weeks. There's no magic forumla for this. You'll grieve how's best for you and go through the process on your own clock...that's ok.

The emotions will come when they come. There is no method, there are no rules. Grieving tends to follow a pattern yes, but the timelines are always different for everyone.

I actually feel better when I sit at home alone sometimes, that's 'my way' and I'll go out when I'm damn good and ready. Just say thanks to the friends and family who care and are trying to help, but you are who you are. Shock is a hard thing to break through too. It can be numbing and it can last a while. Like I said to you online, reading helps me. Good books written by people who have been through this too. What they did to cope.

Here for you.

Hey 15,

You have to deal with it at your own pace. I think the Advice you've been giving others has been very beneficial to your own healing. Stick around and keep giving, because i think it will help you let go and grieve the way you need to in your own time zone.

Plus who else would i harass and threaten to not share my food with?? Yeah...exactly

You might want to look at this website:

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It describes the numbness that you are feeling as a common reaction - I just had a quick look, but it might be something for you to read. One paragraph says this:

Initially, there are feelings of shock and disbelief which last longer than with other bereavements. This leaves survivors feeling numb and empty of emotion, often finding difficulty in accepting the reality of the death - "'This can't be happening to me."

 

There may be a feeling of disorientation, the real world is going on all around. but the survivor is not part of it. The survivor is just an onlooker -- separate and alone.

It's got some good advice - and above all, you must be kind for yourself, and care for yourself.

Thankyou everyone.

I am trying to do the right things, relax and eat and all that, but I'm just sort of forgetting a lot of the time. If I'm not at work I'm just sat staring into space and in bed I just lie there wide awake. If I do manage to fall asleep I have really vivid bad dreams and I'm awake again within half an hour. I look like crap and I feel like crap, but I'm just sort of frozen.

Storeys,

All the counseling I went to repeated one major point...you grieve at your own pace. It is what YOU do, not everyone else. So look into your heart and soul. From your posts I know you are intelligent and caring, so you will deal with this. But taking care of your health is paramount. So that you can deal with the loss.

Try eating just a BIT more. Try walking outside just a BIT more.

I'm so sorry for you, and your loss. And what your heart must be going through.

Be strong, this too shall lighten.

yer bud,

KG

Thankyou KG.

Yeah. I've got to try and sort myself out. Remembering simple, everyday things is really hard for some reason. I can do it at work, just not the really simple things like eating and drinking and sleeping. It's like my basic functions don't work anymore if that makes sense.

Thankyou KG.

 

Yeah. I've got to try and sort myself out. Remembering simple, everyday things is really hard for some reason. I can do it at work, just not the really simple things like eating and drinking and sleeping. It's like my basic functions don't work anymore if that makes sense.

Thats completely normal....your brain can't compete with your emotions. You wouldn't believe the number of times I lost my keys, forgot my ATM password, couldn't remember if I took my meds...don't worry about that.

But DO keep in mind that you need to put yourself first....

KG

Thankyou KG.

 

Yeah. I've got to try and sort myself out. Remembering simple, everyday things is really hard for some reason. I can do it at work, just not the really simple things like eating and drinking and sleeping. It's like my basic functions don't work anymore if that makes sense.

dude, I don't have any advice or anything. I just wanted to let you know that I read what has happened, and I'm thinking of you.

I could relate to some of what you said. The whole body not working right thing... when that happened to me I figured it was some sort of delayed shock or something. It lasted a while for me in varying degrees. I wish you well... and if you need to get away for a while, stick Perth on your list

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Yes do 15, Poke is my friend here in Perth. You have place to stay if ever you were crazy enough to venture this way.

...Poke is my friend here in Perth...

the nice one that doesn't cause her any trouble

Haha...only when we start drinking too much vodka

Thanks. Yeah, I'll keep it in mind.

Today has been pretty much the same. Blank. I can't even remember half of what I said or did today. It's like I just floated through the day. My hands have been freezing all day long. Not just a bit cold but freezing cold. Like I can't feel anything that I touch.

Storeys,

These are all common reactions. Don't freak.

I had chills, heat, heart attacks ( felt like it ).

Forgetfullness, anxiety, lividity. You name it, I had it. It's part of our brain reconsiling with our heart...

Your NOT losing it...I swear.

Now slow down and breathe deeply through your nose till your pulse rate drps back to norn.

You CAN do this.

If I can, surely you can too!

Be well,

Yer bud,

KG

Yep, everything you are going through is completely normal. Your time frames for healing are your own. It seems that the shock and numbness stage for you may be extended, but I know people that have been through the same loss as you and they both dealt with it completely differently. But now they both are healed. It took time of course and they both have happy lives now, but approached it entirely differently from one another.

All i know is that they both read books that had been written by people who had had the same experience and gleaned what info they needed to help them get back on track from this.

Here for you.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: “The night is full of stars,

and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance.”

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.

I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.

How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

To think I don’t have her. To feel that I’ve lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.

And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn’t keep her.

The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That’s all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.

My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.

My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.

We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,

my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,

and this may be the last poem I write for her.

- Pablo Neruda

I feel for you so much. All of us have felt sorrow and pain, but a tragic loss like yours is so much harder to understand for the person who is left behind.

There is an emptiness that can't be filled right now and the nights are the worst. I too understand this. At least days can be full of work and every day business.

I think that talking here and posting such heartfelt poem is an outlet for you. We are all here for you. Don't forget that. I know it's not much help but it's all I have.