Another woman makes me feel insecure

My husband has a married female friend and I am insecure about her. She and I are aquaintances, and I last saw her 1.5 years ago. My problem is that he keeps their relationship a secret from me, more or less.

The day my daughter was born, I told him that I was "still uncomfortable with their relationship and I thought it would help me become more comfortable if he could talk about her to me." He said that made sense. Then, he never really did that, and he also stopped talking to this woman completely. I muched preferred that he end their friendship rather than trying to deal with it so I never said anything.

4 months later, I'm looking at the cell phone bill and I see her number. He just called her out of the blue. Today, he called her and talked to her in secret in the other room for about 10 minutes, and here I am, feeling insecure and checking the phone records online every couple of hours to see if they have talked or texted, and wondering if he's ever going to bring her up, or is he going to continue to keep her a secret from me like last time.

If I confront him, then he'll get angry at me for spying on him, and we'll have a fight, which we haven't done since the day before my daughter was born, literally. The last three months of my pregnancy were emotionally horrible for me up until a few hours before I went into labor. That was about the worst our relationship has ever been in the entire 8 years that we have spent together. My pregnancy and his clinical depression made for a very bad combination. We went to a few marriage councelling sessions before hand and he went to his own for a while.

The day my daughter was born, everything bad seemed to melt away. We stopped fighting and crying and therapy. He has continued to take his meds this entire time and has seemed so much happier. For the last 4 months, I have had peace and happiness. We are just in love with our baby.

I don't want to go back to that horrible time. I cried every day for 3 months. I obsessed every day. I was unhappy every minute of every day. AND, I especially don't want to be an insecure, spying wife with a secret keeping husband. I want to add that our problems have never been about fidelity. He is not having an affair with this other woman, I am quite sure of that. She didn't contact him. He initiated contact, and she responds. Maybe, for him it is an emotional affair. I don't want it to be. I don't know if I want to find out. Do I wait and see? Do I confront? Do I ignore?

I would speak with him about him contacting her but don't be confrontational in doing so. Just be like "hey have you talked to "girls name" lately? how has she been?"

I am not a big fan of friendships where the other person in the couple is never given the opportunity to spend time with the friend - I would suggest a double date, or inviting the other couple over or maybe even inviting the woman over for coffee. then if he wanted to see her one on one for lunch once in awhile I don't see a problem with that at all. also this way you can see if her marriage "seems" stable.

I think it's best you confront your husband because it will keep eating away at you until you go completely bonkers. You have a right to know why your husband is contacting this woman. You have a right to know what he talks to her about. Ask him casually. Just say, "Hey, I'd really like to know what you talk to your friend about. I'm not angry. I just think it would put my nerves at ease to know what you guys talk about. And, if there's anything you would want to talk to me about, I'm always here too." Were they best friends before you married?

I would speak with him about him contacting her but don't be confrontational in doing so. Just be like "hey have you talked to "girls name" lately? how has she been?"

I thought about doing this myself, but I think that would make me look suspicious if I brought her up out of the blue right as he just reinitiated contact with her again. Then he would know that I've been "spying," although I wasn't looking for it.

I am not a big fan of friendships where the other person in the couple is never given the opportunity to spend time with the friend - I would suggest a double date, or inviting the other couple over or maybe even inviting the woman over for coffee. then if he wanted to see her one on one for lunch once in awhile I don't see a problem with that at all. also this way you can see if her marriage "seems" stable.

I agree with Batya. I wouldn't be so concerned about this friendship if he brought her (and her husband) around a bit more.

One of my best friends is a guy that I went to school with and I work with, and he just got married a few weeks ago. I'm getting married myself next year, and we have both been in these relationships for 5+ years. We hang out as a foursome pretty regularly as well, BBQing, having dinner, going out on his boat. My friend and I also will grab a bite to eat or a drink after a late shift at the hospital, and our partners don't mind that. My fiance and he get along well and his wife and I also get along well.

The fact that he keeps her separate from your lives and like a secret probably feeds your feelings of insecurity and I don't blame you.

Why not invite her and her husband to dinner or coffee? If you get to know her a bit, like Batya said, you might get a feel for whether or not you have anything to worry about, or if their marriage is in trouble.

No, they weren't friends before. They only met last year, but have only been friends for 4 months or so in total. They sat next to each other at work. The three of us worked this temp job, but I was in another room. They went out to 1 happy hour together where I was invited, but I couldn't go because I had made other plans. I know the nature of their relationship...it's casual and platonic. Months ago when we were having problems, he was keeping her a secret from me and when I found out, I read all their text messages before confronting him. There was nothing suspicious or dubious or sexual. I don't have a real problem with her. I have a problem with him, and this is all being handled. I want him to share. I'll go as far as to say that the girl is probably a nice person, but i don't know her.

What was an example of their text messaging? Maybe you're husband is afraid that you'll get angry if you "find out" about him calling/texting her. That's why he keeps it on the down-low.

I think it's a good idea for you and your husband to double date with that other woman and her husband. You can find out more about her. It would put you at ease. Try to suggest it to him. Who cares if it's out of the blue. He will accuse you of "spying"...you can accuse him of being "secretive".

What was an example of their text messaging? Maybe you're husband is afraid that you'll get angry if you "find out" about him calling/texting her. That's why he keeps it on the down-low.

They texted things like..."don't go and see such and such movie, it was bad..." There was some flirting or inside jokes that almost crossed the line or I didn't get things or catch things, but all that is speculative. If there was flirting, so what? I casually flirt too. Who doesn't? I agree and think that he keeps it a secret to avoid conflict. He avoids conflict at all costs. I kind of do too. I'm not jealous. I'm not naive either. I guess what he doesn't understand is that to avoid conflict, he should tell me about her. It's hard to get together with this girl because my husband doesn't really hang out with her. He has only seen her physically, once, this whole year. They have a phone relationship...maybe they email. I don't know anything about her husband, either. I feel almost stupid being so upset about all of this, but I can't help it.

I agree with befriending the couple. Invite them out on a double date or something. Get to know this woman. I have a male friend, we've been friends for years. As soon as he started dating a new woman, she made it her #1 priority to become my friend and I guess "scope me out". She figured out pretty quickly me and him are just friends, and she made sure she was my friend too. Pretty soon, I spent more time with her than I did with him. I think that's a good strategy.

I suggested that we all get together during the time when my husband and I were having problems. At the time, though, I was extremely hurt and angry about so many things and I felt that I was pressuring him into doing something he didn't want to do. Also, I secretly wished he would have suggsted it himself, but that wasn't the case. I told him that I would leave it up to him to decide to whether to include her in my life and he chose not to. I guess I'm still hoping he'll make that decision on his own, but he can't read my mind, can he?

So ladies, how and when should I bring all this up? Tonight, when he gets home from work, should I just casually blurt out "I see you called your friend there, how is she, inite her over to see the baby? Let's do coffee!! Tell her to bring her husband over for dinner!! Oh, and sorry for spying on you!" hat if he gets defensive? I hate that. I always feel like the bad guy. I'll take any suggestions.

Any way you can come up with an excuse to call her - even for a business reason?

Maybe you should start calling her husband and having secret conversations ;-)

well, with the holidays, there must be plenty of opportunities/reasons to meet up. yes, tell them you'd like to see the baby. or invite them over. anything at all.

Any way you can come up with an excuse to call her - even for a business reason?

Maybe you should start calling her husband and having secret conversations

LOL, That's quite funny!! The thought did cross my mind to contact her husband, but I have know way of doing that. I'm not sure that I'm ballsy enough to do that either. I don't think I can contact her. She and I have no natural, logical connection to each other. I'm not even sure I'd remember her if I saw her. My husband would get upset about it and feel embarrassed and it's not my goal to make him feel bad. Who am I fooling anyway? I guess I am jealous. They've texted each other for a few hours this evening. I have to restrain myself not to read the texts when he get's home, unless he's erased them already.

Oh, and sorry for spying on you!" hat if he gets defensive? I hate that. I always feel like the bad guy. I'll take any suggestions.

It's not spying. It's being informed. Why can't your husband talk to you about similiar things he talks about to his lady friend? If he accuses you of spying, you should take offense to the fact that your own husband is not able to communicate with you. Instead he has to "secretly" hide in a room to text message a woman he hardly meets up with.

If this were me, I'd be pissed off. I'd confront him. I'd ask him what's up.

Why can't your husband talk to you about similiar things he talks about to his lady friend?

I don't know(sigh). Communication is not his strong point. He has a good heart and is a very sweet man, and I can see that he "feels" very strongly...lots of emotion, but he lacks the means to express himself effectively. I guess he doesn't feel connected to me or anyone enough to share. I'm not sure how or when I'm going to bring this whole issue up, but I'm going to have to do it or I think I WILL acutally go bonkers. I just dread repeating the whole depression/hurting/anger/insecurity part of our marriage again. That might not happen...I'm just expecting the worst. Actually, that's what this girl reminds me of. The very bad part of our marriage. Maybe that's why I don't like her relationship with my husband. She didn't cause our problems. In fact, I think she might have been completely oblivious to our personal lives, but she was there during that time. When she wasn't in our lives, I was happy. When she's in it, I get upset. Funny how things work!

I would speak with him about him contacting her but don't be confrontational in doing so. Just be like "hey have you talked to "girls name" lately? how has she been?"

 

I thought about doing this myself, but I think that would make me look suspicious if I brought her up out of the blue right as he just reinitiated contact with her again. Then he would know that I've been "spying," although I wasn't looking for it.

Wait until the conversation you are having might make it more natural to ask. Perhpas you are talking about a movie and the lead actress has the same first name, or something like that, and say "speaking of how is she doing? have you spoken to her lately?

Casually work it in. See what he says.

Wait until the conversation you are having might make it more natural to ask.

That's a good idea. It will be hard to wait, but not as hard as straight up confrontation. I think I'm just trying to make sure that my feelings are valid. Do I have a right to get upset, and if yes, will he understand? And if he understands, will he do the right thing? By the way, I don't even know what the right thing is. Thanks for all the suggestions.

I don't know what the right thing is either because i don't know if his friendship is inappropriate.

What IS inappropriate is the secrecy, and the secrecy can make a harmless relationship seem sinister and sneaky.

Above all he has to stop the sneaking or you have no trust in your marriage. If he just is afraid of confrontation then he needs to buck up or lose a wife. He is a man not a mouse so if this friendshiop is harmless he needs to TALK about it and not hide it. His hiding it naturally makes you uneasy. It would make ANYONE feel that way - whether they were jealous by nature or not.

I think you might need to bite the bullet and just confront him and just risk him getting antsy about it. If he is hiding this and it is making you feel bad then you need to talk about it.

It can already be considered an emotional affair if whatever he is saying to her cannot be said in front of you. Your concerns are justified, and you should act on your instincts.

He's out of line.

You weren't spying. You were looking at the phone bill and saw her number. The initiation of your conversation can be as simple as that: "Hey, I was looking at the phone bill and was surprised to see Y's number. Are you guys friends again, and should I be worried? Because even though I trust you, I have to admit that I've been really happy these past four months, and I feel kind of anxious about you resuming contact with Y and not telling me. It may be silly, but it's a trust issue on my part, and I'd like to work it out so that we're both satisfied. How should we handle it?"

And YES I think you should have this conversation as soon as possible. Don't let this kind of thing fester ~ nothing good can come from that.

Keenan,

That's perfect. I really do want to say those things...I might just read what you just wrote verbatim. I wish it wasn't midnight, and that my parents weren't coming to visit tomorrow for the whole week. The timing is always so bad. I'm going to try and suck it up and tell him this when he gets home, no matter how late it is. Wish me luck.

Good luck!! Try to stay calm and be as nice as possible. If you can frame it as "I feel awkward and a little scared about this but I need your help to figure out what we can do to make the situation feel better to me" he's (hopefully) less likely to get defensive and more likely to reach out to you. If you guys can work it out tonight before your parent's visit, you might actually have a wonderful week with your new baby.

And by the way, I realizes this places more responsibility on you than you probably should have to shoulder, and that you don't actually have to be this nice about it. Just for the record, I *do* think you're totally in the right, and that he's being a big dork for doing this right now. But you DO trust him, and he seems like a good guy underneath--just misguided at times. I think you have a better shot at working through it honestly and openly if you're willing to be the one who's more mature and emotionally self-aware, and you seem more than capable of that. Ugh. But really ~ good luck, and have fun with your folks!

Ok. I found out he made plans to go out with his “friend” on Friday for dinner...I kind of forced his hand in telling me this information. Then I tried to invite myself by asking if I could go along and he said “I don’t know,” which translated in his language means no. That hurt my feelings. Then I had a talk with him. He said he would try to invite her over one day, but it didn't sound convincing.

When I told him how I was feeling, and he said that I sounded jealous. I told him I was because of his actions and how he is handling the situation and how things had played out before. He told me that he was trying to establish a friendship with this woman and that it was hard for him to do that when I was around because I was so controlling and always corrected him. That was some important insight on the situation because I didn’t know that I was making him feel that way, so I asked him to let me know when and how I was doing that so we could work on correcting it. His main problem is that he feels out of control from his depression…I already knew that and do my best to not make it worse for him, but I’m not perfect, I suppose. I guess this is the true root of the problem.

One more thing he told me was that when he talks with this girl, he feels like a different person. She doesn’t know anything about the bad parts of his life, and she doesn’t seem to want to get too involved with it either. I get that. He can pretend that he is happy and someone else and she will never question that because she doesn’t know him. She is an escape. That was strangely and slightly comforting in its own way. I told him that I needed to know that I was his #1 lady and to be reminded of that every now and then, and if he could do that, I would back off (for now, at least) because I know that he isn’t cheating on me and that he is aware of my feelings. Actions speak louder than words, so we will see if he actually does anything to help me with my insecurity and jealousy. I know that we might be treading in dangerous waters here, but I don’t want to push to hard. One step at a time.

As some on this forum well know I am generally in favor of male-female friendships. However, this situation falls within one of my "exceptions." Going out for dinner on a weekend night with a woman when you are available to go out and where he is vulnerable from his depression and telling you that he doesn't think you can support him like she does (sounds like she is an ego boost for him because he presumes she is attracted to him). It's also fishy that her husband is ok with this unless he is out of town and can't go.

It also would be outside my comfort zone because he isn't open or enthusiastic about the two of you becoming friends too.

I would tell him it's fine but he needs to get a babysitter since you will be going out that night too, without him.