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Thread: Another woman makes me feel insecure

  1. #21
    Platinum Member keenan's Avatar
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    You weren't spying. You were looking at the phone bill and saw her number. The initiation of your conversation can be as simple as that: "Hey, I was looking at the phone bill and was surprised to see Y's number. Are you guys friends again, and should I be worried? Because even though I trust you, I have to admit that I've been really happy these past four months, and I feel kind of anxious about you resuming contact with Y and not telling me. It may be silly, but it's a trust issue on my part, and I'd like to work it out so that we're both satisfied. How should we handle it?"

    And YES I think you should have this conversation as soon as possible. Don't let this kind of thing fester ~ nothing good can come from that.

  2. #22
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    Keenan,

    That's perfect. I really do want to say those things...I might just read what you just wrote verbatim. I wish it wasn't midnight, and that my parents weren't coming to visit tomorrow for the whole week. The timing is always so bad. I'm going to try and suck it up and tell him this when he gets home, no matter how late it is. Wish me luck.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member keenan's Avatar
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    Good luck!! Try to stay calm and be as nice as possible. If you can frame it as "I feel awkward and a little scared about this but I need your help to figure out what we can do to make the situation feel better to me" he's (hopefully) less likely to get defensive and more likely to reach out to you. If you guys can work it out tonight before your parent's visit, you might actually have a wonderful week with your new baby.

    And by the way, I realizes this places more responsibility on you than you probably should have to shoulder, and that you don't actually have to be this nice about it. Just for the record, I *do* think you're totally in the right, and that he's being a big dork for doing this right now. But you DO trust him, and he seems like a good guy underneath--just misguided at times. I think you have a better shot at working through it honestly and openly if you're willing to be the one who's more mature and emotionally self-aware, and you seem more than capable of that. Ugh. But really ~ good luck, and have fun with your folks!

  4. #24
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    Ok. I found out he made plans to go out with his “friend” on Friday for dinner...I kind of forced his hand in telling me this information. Then I tried to invite myself by asking if I could go along and he said “I don’t know,” which translated in his language means no. That hurt my feelings. Then I had a talk with him. He said he would try to invite her over one day, but it didn't sound convincing.

    When I told him how I was feeling, and he said that I sounded jealous. I told him I was because of his actions and how he is handling the situation and how things had played out before. He told me that he was trying to establish a friendship with this woman and that it was hard for him to do that when I was around because I was so controlling and always corrected him. That was some important insight on the situation because I didn’t know that I was making him feel that way, so I asked him to let me know when and how I was doing that so we could work on correcting it. His main problem is that he feels out of control from his depression…I already knew that and do my best to not make it worse for him, but I’m not perfect, I suppose. I guess this is the true root of the problem.

    One more thing he told me was that when he talks with this girl, he feels like a different person. She doesn’t know anything about the bad parts of his life, and she doesn’t seem to want to get too involved with it either. I get that. He can pretend that he is happy and someone else and she will never question that because she doesn’t know him. She is an escape. That was strangely and slightly comforting in its own way. I told him that I needed to know that I was his #1 lady and to be reminded of that every now and then, and if he could do that, I would back off (for now, at least) because I know that he isn’t cheating on me and that he is aware of my feelings. Actions speak louder than words, so we will see if he actually does anything to help me with my insecurity and jealousy. I know that we might be treading in dangerous waters here, but I don’t want to push to hard. One step at a time.

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  6. #25
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    As some on this forum well know I am generally in favor of male-female friendships. However, this situation falls within one of my "exceptions." Going out for dinner on a weekend night with a woman when you are available to go out and where he is vulnerable from his depression and telling you that he doesn't think you can support him like she does (sounds like she is an ego boost for him because he presumes she is attracted to him). It's also fishy that her husband is ok with this unless he is out of town and can't go.

    It also would be outside my comfort zone because he isn't open or enthusiastic about the two of you becoming friends too.

    I would tell him it's fine but he needs to get a babysitter since you will be going out that night too, without him.

  7. #26
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    Batya33

    You're feeding fuel to the fire that I was trying to cool down. She actually might bring her husband for all I know. I read one of her text messages to him and she asked if their outing would be a family one...asking if spouses and children were coming. He more or less replied that she could bring whomever she wanted, but implied that he would be coming alone. I think he eggs it on. I am aware that sometimes depression leads to alcohol and drug abuse, or affairs. This is his version of an affair. Do I like and accept this? Of course not, but things between us are so much more complicated than I can explain.

    I have accepted that as much as I want to take away his sadness, I can't. I can't keep rehashing out the same problems over and over again because I have no solution, and it is exhausting and makess me so unhappy. I can only tell him how I feel, hope he understands, and maybe he will do the right thing because he loves me. I know that right now, he lacks the capacity to think clearly. Everyday is a struggle for him to just get through the day without losing all control. I can be very patient. However, I'm no saint. I think I know my limits, but if I don't, the advice and help from others will help me decide how much I can tolerate before calling it quits.

    Oh, and I probably will be going out that night, without him.

  8. #27
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    You are entitled to reject my advice, of course. I didn't see it as making it worse, I saw it as you sharing with him that you are uncomfortable with the situation and find it inappropriate. Obviously we cannot know your entire situation particularly because you chose not to share it so please don't expect our advice to be tailored to your precise situation.

    Good luck.

  9. #28
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    Batya33,

    I didn't mean to sound like I was rejecting your advice. Sorry about that. I wasn't, and I agree with you. I was just trying to explain my situation a bit more. I'm not comfortable with what is going on, and I don't think he should pursue a relationship with this woman, and it makes me feel like crap. I feel powerless. I know all the facts and figures and I am trying to do the mature thing, but it's hard. I know they talk to each other everyday, and it drives me nuts.

    By the way, he cancelled his dinner plans after our talk and when I asked him why, he said that they would probably try to do something next week. He said they would probably go walk the dogs around the hike-n-bike trail, but he did not know when yet.

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