Broke up with him but I miss him so much!

I broke up with someone I had been with for almost 1 1/2 years, three months ago. I'm still not sure what happened with us and where exactly it went wrong, but the direct reason for the breakup was that we fought a lot, I lost my sexual attraction for him ("love but not in love"), and I ended up fooling around with someone else which was a wake-up call for me to see how bad it had really become.

He was really in love with me still and wanted to try and remain friends, so we saw each other sporadically for a month or so before he decided it was too hard and we stopped meeting and talking. Now I've read a lot in this forum about how dumpers usually start regretting the break-up more after NC, and sadly it's true. Directly after we broke up I felt a bit relieved it was over, as things had been quite bad for me just prior to the break-up (the fights, frustration, being attracted to other people but not to my boyfriend, as well as being faced with making what has so far been the hardest decision of my life). I missed him, but I also very quickly filled the gap with partying and promiscuity, which was a lot of fun while it lasted. I was depressed a lot of the time, but I never considered going back to him.

But now, things have changed. I don't know if it's the NC or that the cheap thrills I found after becoming single have revealed themselves for what they are - cheap thrills devoid of any depth or meaning. Probably a mixture of both. It just feels very discomfiting to suddenly miss him so intensely three months after we broke up. Almost as if I'm healing in reverse, and it's only going to be downhill from now on. It's supposed to get easier, not harder!!! Isn't it?

I've played with the thought of trying to get back with him many, many times. But it's a bad idea for so many reasons. The main reason is that I don't ever want to hurt him again, just thinking about how much he might miss me or be feeling bad brings me to tears sometimes. I love him so much, I couldn't bear it if we got back together and I broke his heart a second time Entering a relationship the second time is just too much of a responsibility and a risk. I don't know if we could resolve our issues either, although looking back on our relationship now I can see a bit clearer where we went wrong and how we could have fixed things.

But it's really difficult. What sucks the most about being the dumper in a situation where you still love the person is that I'm always wondering whether I made a mistake, if I perhaps threw away the love of my life for reasons which could have been overcome with enough patience and work. And as he presumably still feels strongly about me, there's always the temptation of telling him I've changed my mind and want him back. Which I am not going to do, but I feel like while that thought is still there, that possibility of getting back together again, I won't move on. I just need to somehow convince myself that it's over and kill all hope, and let us both get on with our lives in peace. I just miss him so much its crazy

Any comments or suggestions, or anyone in a similar position perhaps?

i think it's quite normal for what you are going through. We all wonder what we could have done differently, what went wrong. I think you're missing him so much NOW is because you've finally let yourself, in a sense, be single. You recognize that hooking up with random people has not gotten you anywhere.

It may be hard but it's good to just take this time out and see if breaking up was really meant to happen or if you can try it again and take that risk of hurting him again or perhaps he'd hurt you. I think it's best to really wait it out and see how you feel a couple of months from now. Yes it will hurt but just think how much it'd hurt more if you got back with just because you missed the companionship.

take the time to really figure out what it is you really wnat

Really, the ownus is on you. Think about your ex! Did he think there was a possiblity of getting back together prior to NC? I've read both your posts, and if you really care for this guy, you should own up to the cheating. You can't re-enter a relationship under false pretenses, as it would be extremely UNFAIR to him. I'm not trying to be harsh. Imagine you guys got back together, and somehow, he finds out about the previous escapades or that you broke his heart a second time round by cheating again. Be honest with yourself first and foremost. Put yourself in his shoes, and think about the respect you'd want from him as a partner. If you were to get back together, or you do seriously want him back, you'd have to own up to WHAT ACTUALLY WENT WRONG previously, and why you broke up with him (and not just the reasons you gave him either!) just out of respect for a person you care about.

Also, you say he still presumingly feels strongly about you, then my guess is that he has professed how much he cares for you AFTER the break-up prior to NC. And my guess is, that you may have left him a glimmer of hope in order to lessen the blow of the break-up, and to not hurt him too much. Well, again, you are better off telling him the truth, and that way he can actually really move on. If he decides to give you another chance, then he knows what he is getting into. We're all human and we all make mistakes, but there is no point contemplating getting back together if you are unwilling to be honest with him about the digressions that took place. Or, you can tell me him the truth in order to let him move on, and tell him you don't want to get back together for those particular reasons. Yes, it will hurt him, but if he even remotely thinks that he could win you back someday, then trust me, it hurts him more thinking it's all about him, and living in hope.

I am a dumpee, and I can tell you that your post really is very insightful, and sadly, it makes me believe that ex dumped me for similar reasons. If we were to get back together, that suspicion would always plague my mind. MY circumstances was sudden, and I know she cares for me, but I do think she may have ended it to save face from having to admit she fooled around with others. Personally, due to circumstances, I don't give a crap if she cheated on me, I give a crap if she lied to me when she ended the relationship. I certainly think something happened Believe me, your ex probably may think it as well. Thinking that something happened because things seemed so good.

If you want to go into a relationship a second time, you will definitely have to resolve the trust issue that made you break up with him originally. And that is your issue. You have to allow the fact that cheating helped enforce your decision to break up in the first place. I think the main reason you don't want to actually reconnect, is because this fooling around thing is actually holding you back. If that's the reason, then it's always going to hold you back. It's not a good reason to not try again with someone you supposedly love. They say love conquers all, well, you have to have the trust too. He'll be thankful if you tell him either way. The longer you leave it, the more it is less likely that you will ever get back together with this guy. If you really want to be with him, you will have to face the music basically. That's called taking responsibility for your actions.

If you tell him now. It will result in two things. He'll either move on and so will you, because you can find peace- or you two could serious resolve these issues with both of you knowing what you are getting into. But that whole possiblity that you are thinking about getting back together is stifled because you feel this burden on your shoulders regarding human behavior. Release the burden, and see how it goes down. Yep, you'll hurt him, but you'll be able to move on either way and not wondering if you could get back together ever again.

I will say one more thing. Please don't get back together and not tell him, CAUSE it plague the back of your mind and you will eventually break up with him again, and you will treat him with contempt because of your own actions! People automatically resent the ones they have decieved cause it makes them feel like * * * * about themselves.

do not go back with him honestly i was in the same palce as you once. to the point were i could not eat because i missed her and the feeling of regret is awful but it does get better. you were in love with idea of that relationship not the person. yea you do love him but are not in love. i put my trust in god he gave me the answers. it will be like getting used to being single now. dont just go to clubs and pubs and snog any old tom * * * * and harry if thats not what you want enjoy being single for now because the right person is out there

It would be very selfish of you to go back to him now. You miss him because you're "lonely" and you miss having someone. You don't miss him because you've gained a new perspective on the old relationship, or improved as an individual, or he has changed as an individual.

Thank you all for your replies.

S0confused: I think you're very right when you say that one reason I am missing him more now is because I'm really single now for the first time. I distracted myself from it before, but now I have no-one to distract myself with (nor do I wish to have anyone to do so with). Maybe this is why I've had a delayed reaction to my break-up, and I'm not really feeling the reality of it until now. It never occurred to me like that before. Thank you.

SRufus: Your post was very insightful. If I did intend to get back with my ex, I would want to be able to tell him the real reason (including, but not limited to the infidelity) that I broke up with him. If we got together a second time, I would want to give it the best shot I had, and that would mean total honesty. But you are also right in saying that it is one thing (but not the major thing) that is holding me back from getting back with him. I don't want to hurt him our have his view of our relationship tainted by the knowledge that I betrayed him. And, more selfishly, I don't want him to hate me - infidelity, for him, is nearly an un-forgiveable crime. But ultimately, even putting this dilemma aside, I think i would be a bad idea to get back with him (but 'think' is the problem for me, since that means I also have a lot of doubts that plague me time to time). I did consider telling him about my infidelity after we broke up, hoping it would help him move on, but on the other hand I was scared to, for the two reasons I've already given. Sometimes I wish I had told him, maybe he would have moved on quicker, who knows. Or maybe it would have destroyed all the good memories of our relationship, and he'd see my love for him as a lie. I don' know. In any case I think it's too late to bring it up now and re-open old wounds - especially as we are not speaking at the moment, I think it would do more harm.

You're also right in that people tend to resent the ones they deceive. I think this had a lot to do with why I lost my attraction for him.

route1 and pureofheart: I think you are both right in saying that I shouldn't get back with him. And yes maybe it would be a selfish thing, because I don't know for sure if it will just end up with me breaking his heart again. But I honestly don't feel that I'm missing him because I'm lonely or because of the idea of a relationship. I don't want a relationship right now, I feel claustrophobic even at the thought of seeing one person regularly. Yes I want the warmth and closeness and the feeling of being loved, but it also comes with commitment and emotional co-dependence (or at least semi-co-dependence) that at this very moment, frightens the * * * * out of me. I'm probably better off being alone right now until I've had time to digest all this and make myself ready for these things again. But I do miss the good stuff

I miss him, and I'm scared that I've thrown away one of the best relationships I could have had (although I think I tend to remember the good memories more than the bad at this point - there were many bad times too). And I miss not knowing what's going on in his life, it feels so strange that someone who was once like a part of me is now almost unknown to me. But I guess I know inside that this is how life is, special people enter our lives and then they leave us, and it hurts but it's worth it for that experience.

Sometimes I think maybe we were 'meant to be' and I sabotaged it through immaturity and selfishness, other times I think maybe this was just a learning experience for both of us and that what was meant to happen, happened. I prefer the latter view. Although sometimes I prefer thinking that I sabotaged it, as it makes it easier o deal with the pain because I know it is something I brought upon myself, and that I have to suffer my punishment and learn from the experience, and not see myself as the victim.

Hmm... I suppose I answered my own question. I think I'm slowly coming to terms with this, and I am learning a lot from this experience.... Would still appreciate further comments, but you have all helped me think a bit deeper about this, thanks...

hi there....

hear my words....and hear my words carefully....

i understand you miss him alot, and have the best intention to get back with him...

but...i was just dumped the SECOND time after my gf (now ex) of 4 yrs dumped me 2 yrs ago.....

so in a sense, i am what happens when the "second time" doesn't work out...

alot of the time they do work out....but just if u want to let him kno how u feel...u HAVE to be COMPLETELY honest! completely out in the open...ur feelings, ur guilt, ur love towards him, what u did wrong (infidelity is a BIG one).....etc

but when they dont work out, and IF you break his heart again, its a memory he'll NEVER forget....it hurts alot, and if u love him, u gotta make sure u REALLY want to make this work, and that YOU are IN for the LONG haul...

i am really hurt right now, so i do not want to see another guy out there go thro the same thing i just went thro...so this is what i can offer you....

Good luck

Backagain - I have a feeling you and I have experienced the same thing. I wouldn't mind hearing your story sometime.

And he's right too. when my ex broke up with me the first time I was hurt, but no where as gutted as when she did it again. She came back three weeks after the first time, when I was too weak and goo-goo eyes to do anything about it. I should never have let her take me back. And let me tell you why.

The first time sucks because you usually regret what lead up to it, the second time though.......I at least regret giving her another year of my time. See there might be a good reason you broke up with him. If you take him back that reason will resurface eventually. But when it does it will reassure you that breaking up was the right thing to do originally. You'll walk away colder from him and it will leave him WAY more hurt then the first time.

pfft. what makes you think he wants you back? how arrogant. he could be with someone new now who makes him happier.

i don't know why dumpers always think they have the one they dumped on the hook, because you really don't.

^^^ No need to sound so snooty, nowhere have I said that I think he still wants me back. I know that he did want me back before we stopped talking, but I have no idea if he still would. I know from mutual friends that he is still torn up about what happened, and I know that he misses me, but where exactly did I say I 'have him on the hook'? What I am talking about (and this is something I have stated many times that I am not going to do, I have merely said that the temptation is there) is contacting him with the possibility of us getting back together, if he still wanted to. I think maybe you are transferring your own experience onto mine, which is why your post comes accross as so hostile when there is simply no need for that. Please don't assume that I am arrogant when I am not, because tat makes you as bad as dumpers who make false assumptions about their exes.

I disagree with most of these posts. It sounds like you had alot of issues, but really if they were so important and difficult why are you having all of these feelings months later when you have had the time and opportunity to feel the freedom you thought you wanted so badly?

You need not hurt someone by trying again if you do it the right way. Perhaps you have learnt from the break up?

Yes entering a relationship the second time is a risk and a responsibility. So is entering one for the first time. Only a person who risks is free.

I disagree with most of these posts. It sounds like you had alot of issues, but really if they were so important and difficult why are you having all of these feelings months later when you have had the time and opportunity to feel the freedom you thought you wanted so badly?

You need not hurt someone by trying again if you do it the right way. Perhaps you have learnt from the break up?

Yes entering a relationship the second time is a risk and a responsibility. So is entering one for the first time. Only a person who risks is free.[/QUOTE]

 

Yes, I absolutely agree. I think if two people still feel the connection, it is worth trying again. Sure there are risks, but you risk getting your heart broken in any relationship...even long-term marriages. I think a lot of people tend to go out with almost anyone so they are constantly bouncing around from one relationship to another...so if one ends and they get hurt, they won't risk it again even if they still care, because they view relationships like finding a taxi...there is always another one right around the corner....and with each and every one of them, you run the same risk of getting hurt.

Well recent developments... We are in contact again, he contacted me because of practical purposes and we spoke for several hours. We both feel we want to try being friends again as we've both missed each other a lot and are happier when we keep in touch with one another.

But I've also started thinking about telling him I was unfaithful. The idea scares me to death but I've come to the point where I at least want to try and build a strong, honest friendship with him, and I may have to tell him. I just have to prepare myself for the fact that he might never want to talk to me again. In the beginning, I told myself either I'll tell him now or never, you can't sit on this kind of thing for months and then decide to tell. Yet that's exactly what I'm going to do. I wish I had been smarter about this, but I believed I was doing the right thing in not telling him at the time (and my close friends that I consulted advised me not to tell him either, because they felt it was irrelevant and it would only hurt him), but he will view it as a betrayal I know.

As for getting back together... Now that we're in touch again I can't get the thought out of my head. It still seems like a bad idea, but I'm miserable without him and he's miserable without me, in theory there's such an easy solution to that problem! (Putting theory into practice is often a lot more difficult...) He has told me he has given up hope of us ever getting back together, I wish I could too, it would be so much easier! I have no idea whether I really want to be in a relationship with him again, or if I am going to try, I have no idea if he would take me back or not, but obviously I have to deal with disclosing the truth to him before I even start contemplating these kind of things....

I disagree with most of these posts. It sounds like you had alot of issues, but really if they were so important and difficult why are you having all of these feelings months later when you have had the time and opportunity to feel the freedom you thought you wanted so badly?

You need not hurt someone by trying again if you do it the right way. Perhaps you have learnt from the break up?

Yes entering a relationship the second time is a risk and a responsibility. So is entering one for the first time. Only a person who risks is free.

Totally agree with this as well. If both of you have strong feelings for each other and are willing to learn from the experience of breaking up then it may help the longevity of your new relationship. Remember that risk free relationships do not exist - I guess that would equate to taking everything for granted, which often leads to the demise of the relationship anyway!

However, I do think that it would be prudent to think about your reservations in entering a relationship with him. What exactly are they? You talked about not wanting a relationship right now because you feel trapped - what effect would this have? Also, why do you consider hurting him again - surely that should not be a primary consideration when thinking of re-entering!

Of course some of these concerns would be caused by the experience of breaking up the first time. The feelings you associate with that situation and the fear that it may happen again. However, if there are other reasons such as chasing personal goals, moving locations, having different directions in life these should be considered. I think everything can be overcome by love - a little unrealistic I know - but you have to choose to make it that way!

Also consider that building a honest and close friendship while you are clearly having romantic thoughts about him (and quite possibly he is about you) may not be a very good idea. IMO this would lead to either you getting back together (ok if that is what you want) or to a confused situation. For example how would you feel if he had a new gf, would you just see the situation as a friend would?

However, I do think that it would be prudent to think about your reservations in entering a relationship with him. What exactly are they? You talked about not wanting a relationship right now because you feel trapped - what effect would this have? Also, why do you consider hurting him again - surely that should not be a primary consideration when thinking of re-entering!

A little background info on our relationship issues:

The two main problems we had in our relationship were his addiction to weed, and my lack of sex drive. I had no problems with him smoking once in a while, but he was a daily smoker and I just didn't like the fact that it turned him into a lazy, stupid, unproductive person, and I hated his personality when he was on it. He just turned into another person, a person that I couldn't love very much, and the more often he turned into that person the less I liked him. Deep down he's been wanting to quit for ages, as he knows it has had a detrimental effect on his life, but didn't want to do it for my sake (and I never directly asked him to quit, but we had a lot of disagreements over it), because he didn't want to feel like he was being controlled. I would say that he is one of the most caring considerate people I know, but that was his one main flaw - and it was quite a big one, and he says it's led to the downfall of another relationship in his past. I think this had a lot to do with my lack of sex drive. I started finding him unattractive as a lover although I still loved him very much as a best friend. A lot of resentment built up between us (although it wasn't all as bad as it sounds, but it was very up and down), and we fought a lot. As lame an excuse as it sounds, my lack of attraction to him was one of the main reasons I cheated on him - for almost a year I had been blaming myself for my on and off 'frigidity' - I just thought my sex drive had up and gone because of the Pill and that I'd never again have the high libido I used to have - when I got drunk one night and suddenly found myself experiencing an extreme lust that I hadn't felt for so long - but for someone else. I was too weak to resist. I broke up with him straight afterwards.

Now I see things a bit clearer and I see how we could have perhaps resolved our issues if we had both been a bit more willing to communicate and compromise. But a part of me worries that I would still be unattracted to him if we got back together (and this is what I mean by being scared of hurting him - if I convince him that I believe we can make it and then it turns out I get bored again) I have always gotten bored easily in relationships. Sometimes I worry that sex has to be with someone new and thrilling for me to enjoy it, and that thought scares me a lot. Maybe it's just because I'm young, but I don't want to be that way. This is what I mean when I say I'd feel trapped by the thought of a relationship. Then again, our honeymoon period was considerably long for my standards (4 months of complete bliss, whereas usually I'd already be bored by that stage), and we had a lot of very good times afterwards too. When it was good, it was really fantastic.

I don't know. It drives me insane thinking about this, wondering if we had been able to overcome our problems if I had been a bit more patient or if he had really been willing to do something about his addiction. Wondering if I had wanted to have sex more often if he was stoned less often, or if my sex drive would have disappeared regardless of whether he was a stoner or not..

For example how would you feel if he had a new gf, would you just see the situation as a friend would?

God no. I don't know how I'd react. It would hurt a lot, although I'd swallow my pride and deal with it and be happy for him (hopefully). I doubt it'll be an issue any time in the near future as neither of us seem to be ready for a relationship at the moment. I know that he has slept with others, and I'm fine with that as it's just physical. I know that trying to be friends so soon may turn out to be a bad idea... But I can' think of a good enough reason not to try at the moment, time will tell...

I think if your starting to be friends again now (if ever) is not the time to tell him you were unfaithful. It WILL hurt him. It might make you feel like youv'e got a secret off your chest, but thats about you, not him. If you care for him and don't want to hurt him or mess up the chances of moving into a friendship, don't talk about it with him. If you really need to talk it through more, talk to friends or post. Does anyone else agree?

I know how u feel. A part of me wants my ex back and the biggest part of me is saying : NOOOOOOOOOOO DON'T DO IT! MOVE ON! NOOOOOOOO!

I think if your starting to be friends again now (if ever) is not the time to tell him you were unfaithful. It WILL hurt him. It might make you feel like youv'e got a secret off your chest, but thats about you, not him. If you care for him and don't want to hurt him or mess up the chances of moving into a friendship, don't talk about it with him. If you really need to talk it through more, talk to friends or post. Does anyone else agree?

Really?

After a LOT of thinking I have decided I want to see if he wants to get back together. I feel I have thought over this carefully enough and maybe it still isn't the wisest idea, who knows, but I think I'll regret it if I didn't try.

But I wanted to tell him about the infidelity first because if he takes me back I want him to know what he's doing and who he is entering a relationship with. Bluestar, the reason I initially didn't tell him about being unfaithful was because I was breaking up with him anyway and thought it would be very selfish of me to add even more hurt. But shouldn't I tell him now?

I'm slightly confused now I want to have a relationship based on honesty (if I do get back with him), but on the other hand I don't want to mess things up.

I know your saying you want it to be honest, but there is really nothing to gain by him knowing that you did that. It will be hard for him and it is not necessary especially if you are trying to be friends.

The only purpose in telling him you cheated would be to clear your own conscience.

You cheated with the "old' relationship so he doesn't need to know.

As for getting back with him, you sound very unsure so it's prob not what you really want.

When my ex dumped me, he went off and had multiple affairs and then 3 months later, contacted me again asking to be friends. Then told me the first night we met to talk, that he wanted me back. I took him back! Well 1 yr later, he dumped me again saying all the same stuff he said the yr prior to dumping my a*ss!

I've been around and my advice would be, don't tell him about the cheating or don't tell him you want him back. Be his friend, hang out and see how you feel.

That will benefit you both

I totally agree with Summerpeach.

It seems to me that you miss the guy, and you're lonely, so you are rationalizing some of the major issues and convincing yourself that they were no big deal. They were, and they will still be there.

 

Bite the bullet and don't go back.

I agree with Manny since I have been in that position where I dumped a great guy cause I "loved him but was not in love". I too realised I needed to end it when I ended up kissing another guy at a party.

I realised that after 8 months, if we both weren't madly in love ever, it was probably not gonna happen soon or ever. And I was even more convinced when I kissed the other guy, since I can pretty much say, that if someone is the one for you, your not going to do anything to lose them. You don't appreciate them, and begin looking elsewhere which pretty much says you don't care if you lose/hurt them or not.

If someone is the one who makes your heart flutter, you probably wouldn't even be noticing any other guys, b/c they wouldn't be able to make you happy and you would just know it.

Right now your feeling the way I did, 4 months after breaking up with an ex bf, (now a year has passed since we broke it off) and then feeling lonely, and empty. And wondering if you made a big mistake.

Trust me this feeling will pass once you meet someone new who makes you feel like he may be the one. Been there, done that. But then the guy turned out to be a jerk, so I missed my ex-bf more. Yet I still didn't go back, b/c I knew I broke it off for a reason, and going back into it I would need to be 200% sure I wanted to be with him and no one else, and that's not the case. Who knows if he feels same. We're still good friends though.

I don't think any of us can tell you to try for a relationship or not to. Not in any definitive way anyhow. I totally see why people say to avoid it .. but then I am not sure that's what I would do

To me it sounds as though you want to. Some people tend to be more uncertain about things than others. Just because you have some reservations it does not mean do not try. So in your situation I would try and see how it goes.

If the two of you decide to go for it you will need to talk about things. For starters the problems that emerged last time and their potential fixes. But also your fears and feeling for each other. Rebuilding can be a slow process so do not expect dramatic, instant changes BUT do try and enjoy your moments rather than focusing on what could be better. Nothing is 100%.

For the weed addiction. That's difficult to separate from the relationship and it really would benefit him to take it easier anyway ( easier as in less smoke ). I speak from experience. I smoked morning till night from the age of 15~23 .. then it started to make me feel kind of paranoid. Slowly I stopped seeing the point and quit. Now I do sometimes but its completely sporadic and social - ie totally different!!! All the relationships I had in that time suffered in one way or another. Mostly due to the lethargic and slightly boring attitude that some regular smokers end up with. It also influenced my sex life because when you've been a little dull all day it doesn't exactly get the chemistry between regular parters going. In the extreme it can lead to mild forms of impotence and though I did not experience this I know others who have. That said, it is difficult to just stop 100% in a flash - maybe make some sort of deal where he tries not to smoke in front of you or before he meets you?!

Sex life in many relationships tends to have it's ups and downs. Not everyone has the amazing sexual connection. But it does not mean that it cannot be worked on. Perhaps by having fun together you can rekindle sexual chemistry. Then both of you need to continually make the effort to keep it alive. Little things done regularly can make a big difference.

Anyways, I am not trying to make light of your concerns. But you feel that some of these could have been resolved in a different way. And you still have feelings. And you seem keen to try again.... and in your position I probably would.

By the way how old are both of you? Can you see this lasting longterm.. really longterm

PS. I forgot to add about the infidelity. Personally, I just cannot make up my mind about issues like this?! I guess it depends on the people involved and how they see things. Say you get back together - will you discuss who you dated/slept with while you were apart. Do you really want to know all the details?! Perhaps then would be the time to say something if you choose to. In that situation, some jealousy related thing inside me would really really want to know but having done that before I am not sure it was the best thing for either party!

Thanks everyone for your posts...

Well. I met him tonight, and I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that I was intensely attracted to him, I just wanted to jump on him and snog him first thing! But it would not have been appropriate, so I resisted the temptations. There were so many emotions in me that I was in tears before I had even managed to tell him anything, but at last I managed to get it out, and I told him everything that's been on my mind. I told him about fooling around with another guy, and surprisingly he wasn't upset at all, because we had been on a break when it happened. I told him about my feelings on getting back together...

... And now we are (officially or unofficially?) "dating". We're taking it slow, we didn' even kiss as it was only our first "date"! We're both really scared, we both realise it's going to be difficult and that we're taking a risk, but we both think it's worth it to try. It just felt so right being with him, and we were both so honest and open with each other... It was great. I feel like I'm in love again!

We spoke about his weed addiction, and he feels really motivated to cut down considerably. We spoke about the sex issue as well, and that's the thing I am worried about slightly. It's not like we've never had great sexual chemistry - I've never had as good sex as I had with him. But as I said, I get bored easily and the novelty factor is important for me. But I've been reading a lot on this, and it seems it's a more common problem than I thought, except for most people it seems to happen after they've been together for years, not months. Experts say that it's important to do new things together all the time, which is one thing we didn't really do. He usually worked late so he'd end up coming to my place late at night and we'd fall asleep and sleep late the next morning, so we hardly did anything interesting together during the day. Also, apparently people feel more attracted to their partners when they see them in a context that has nothing to do with the relationship, and I agree with this. About a year ago, we were going through a rough phase, and I had completely fallen out of love with him. But then we went to his home country for a week, and learning many new things about him and seeing him in an unfamiliar context brought the feelings back tenfold (and the sex drive as well). So that gives me hope that it is a problem that can be solved... When we were together I didn't really see it that way as I thought the sex thing was a hormonal problem, so I was busy taking all kinds of herbs and stuff to increase my sex drive when working on the relationship and making it new and exciting would have helped a lot more...

By the way how old are both of you? Can you see this lasting longterm.. really longterm

 

I am 22, he is 24. Can I see it lasting longterm? Well, if we manage to get the sexual chemistry to what it was, then I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, we are very compatible in all other ways. Just the fact that I was able to have long periods of happiness with him even when our sex life was suffering says a lot, as I am a very sexual person.

 

I realised that after 8 months, if we both weren't madly in love ever, it was probably not gonna happen soon or ever.

 

Thing is, we were madly in love for a very long time. And then it slowly started dwindling, and we had a rough patch... and another infatuation came along (the person I kissed when I was with him). I guess that's where I lost my patience and decided to give up. Which I'm not sure was a mistake, because had I stayed I would never have realised the things I'm realising now. For one, I never realised the lack of sexual chemistry had to do with the relationship until I felt hat chemistry for someone else.

 

Anyway, I am excited and simultaneously scared to death of this not working out!!! Particularly because hardly anyone seems to have success stories of couples getting back together a second time, and it's difficult not to take that to heart. Also, we are both trying to not have too many expectations or feel too much pressure, but that's really difficult too!!! Only time will tell... But it's worth a shot, I think, as we have a really deep connection.

 

Scary!!!

Ohh well that's cool!

Nice outcome. Best of luck.