Will having a baby make things worse?

I suppose I'm what most would call a "newly wed". My husband and I have only been married for 2 years, but we were in a committed relationship for 7 years prior to jumping the broom. We have a son (a 9-year-old child from my previous relationship), we both are college educated, and we both come from wonderful families. His parents have been married for 30+ years, while I was raised by my mother and her two sisters (hence, I never considered her a "single mother"). Suffice to say, we both have strong family values.

Nevertheless, we are having a host of serious problems that I thought would self-cure once we got married (silly right?), and I'm now considering whether I even belong in this marriage. I'm afraid for mine and my son's future and to complicate things, I just found out I'm 7 weeks pregnant.

One of our major issues is trust. My husband still gives power to a relationship I had with another man before we were married. While he insists that I cheated, he seems to have completely forgotten that we were broken up, and I was only using this other man to try and get over him (I know that's wrong, but that's a different discussion). Five years and a marriage later, and he's still almost obsessed with talking about how I slept with this other guy. Meanwhile, I've moved on and I've accepted this man's friendship; he knows I'm married, he respects that and we only talk on a irregular basis...afterall, we were friends to being with. Yet, my husband refuses to believe that I can be friends with a man I once had a romantic relationship with. We are in a power struggle over this issue; I don't want to be controlled, and he feels that as his wife, I should do what he says. It's gotten so bad that he invades my privacy looking for traces of me even talking to other men...he goes through my cell phone call history and he reads my e-mail. His actions have made me feel like I'm in a box and he has the only key. I find him to be very insecure, and to a strong woman like me, it's really a turn-off.

Our second issue is communication. I married an introvert, and I don't know how that happened. I'm outgoing and I think aloud! My husband doesn't talk about our relationship unless he's accusing me of cheating. That means we don't have any conversations about money, our plans for the future, or how we can make our marriage stronger. Right before we got married, we moved to his home state. I don't know anyone here, and the people are very stand-offish. Needless to say, I have felt very isolated and unhappy. When I try to talk to him about how I feel living here, he turns into a 9-year-old, unwilling to have a rational conversation.

In that vein, our third issue is that we currently live in the basement of his parents house. They are wonderful people, and it has really helped us to pay off the mound of credit card bills we had when we first married. Only now, he seems unwilling to plan for how we will move out. I feel very trapped and like he is reverting into a child (with his parents permission). His parents are perfectly happy letting us stay with them for the rest of our lives. I need my own space and some autonomy with respect to how we are raising our son. I want to live like the 32-year old adult I am. But my husband, although he says he's not content with our living arrangement, has not made any attempts to look into how we can buy our own home and become a self-sufficient family unit. Any work that has been done toward that goal has been mine alone.

I've threatened to leave him several times. But then I think that I need to give my marriage the chance it deserves. We just started marital counseling, and he just started individual counseling. So I do see a dimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. But I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm worried that having a child right now will only complicate things further and seal my fate in a marriage I'm not sure I want to remain in.

I feel alone and I don't have anyone that I can get impartial advice from. I know you can only know my side of the story, but I have told it as honest as I can. Would someone please confirm, or calm my fears? Shouldn't a couple like us wait to have another child????

Well, I've always heard it said "life is what happens when you make other plans" and I am not convinced there is ever really an ideal time to have a child - you just find a way to make it work. Your son will be affected by whatever ends up happening in this marriage either way.

Personally, I would recommend that you talk this over with your husband and your counselor, because we're just strangers and our views really don't matter in the end.

Sorry to hear you are going through this 1Life. It is odd to me to see that you were in a committed relationship for 7 whole years and didnt know some of the things you now know about him. Being married to an introvert for instance - how is it different now than it was before you were married?

From what you have wrote, it doesnt seem like he is totally aware of his own problems or is secure in who he is. I'm sure he is unaware that the consequences of his insecurity will drive you farther away and close the doors to respectful communication in the marriage. It sounds like he needs some major counseling on his own to deal with some of this - glad that is happening.

I also worry about whether he is self sufficient as an individual or is codependent on you and his parents - not healthy. Where will you be at in a year, 2, 5? It looks grim in terms of being a viable independent couple at this point. Perhaps the counseling will help - although I've found it really depends on quality counseling for a knowledgable perceptive counselor - hard to find.

I think you are doing the right things given what's happening. I think the focus needs to remain on fixing your relationship with your spouse regardless of what's happening with your pregnancy. Try not to add too much worry to whats already going on.

Have you told him about the pregnancy? If not, I would recommend holding off until you've made your final decisions.

Why not give the marriage a couple more years before you bring another child into it? A divorce is just going to be that much more ugly and painful if you have a child together.

Edit: Also, just to give your marriage a fair chance, why not cut all ties with the other man? You can always get more friends but you only have one husband. It doesn't have to be about control or blame. It's about both of you being happy in your union together.

I think you need to work out what you want. Do you want to get a divorce? Or do you want to try counselling together maybe? Or even just time apart to get your head sorted out?

Do you and this other man have something going on? Can you see being more than friends with him?

Hk87