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Thread: Narcissistic Mate and No Contact Rule

  1. #1

    Narcissistic Mate and No Contact Rule

    I know that I should not be interested in maintaining a relationship with a Narcissistic mate but my question is: Does the NC stategy work as a tool to bring him back. My narcissistic mate broke off with me in retailiation. And I just learned that he is seeing someone else. He was upset with me because I changed my mine about commiting money to him, after learning that he was still seeing other women. I have been seeing him off and on for over 21/2 yrs.

    Unfortunately, I am having an extremely, extremely difficult time breaking away at this moment. He is 74 and I am 57. As with all Narcissistic men, he was extremely comforting, kind, and awesome for the first 3 to 6 month.

    The past year saw me finalizing my divorce ( I had been separated for 3 years and just recently got the divorce), dealing with the death of my mother, and in court dealing with 4 different attorneys relative to legal issues that arose after my mothers death. Consequently, I ended up leaning on this gentleman for all of my help and support.

    What can I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Good grief, not only is he a creep, he is also 17 years older than you. It sounds to me that you just need someone to fill a hole within yourself so you latched on to an older man....problem is he still has the mentality of a 5 year old. I think you can do much better than that...and even if there is nobody else that comes into your life for now, you are certainly better off without this loser.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Quote Originally Posted by Jerdisann View Post
    Does the NC stategy work as a tool to bring him back.
    In my experience, NC worked in the opposite way: My ex eventually left me alone.
    He wasn't getting any reaction from me, so he stopped contacting me.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member shes2smart's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Shrine of Seven Stars
    Using no contact with the intent to get someone back is like using a spoon to cut a watermelon. It's the wrong tool for the job. No contact is about giving yourself a quiet and safe space to heal after a break-up. No contact is the emotional equivilent of not picking at a physical wound after it's scabbed over.

    The larger issue, though, would be why you are seeking to get someone back who is seeing other women (and likely will continue to do so) when you apparently want a more exclusive relationship? I understand you've been through some hard times and you feel this person was a friend to you, however, how good a "friend" is he really?
    he was extremely comforting, kind, and awesome for the first 3 to 6 month
    And what after that? Would a real friend be nice during that initial "get to know you" phase and then start being a jerk? Would a real friend lie to you (seems like you were in the dark about him seeing other women) about where you stand with them?

    You made some reference to some financial issues, but I don't know what "commiting money to him" means in your specific circumstances. If you don't want to share more details, that's fine. But from what you've said, I'd be a little supicious about his motives. People can get pretty squirrelly when money gets involved.

    What you can do is find some other sources of support instead of this one person who you have described as a narcissist...and if you thought it was an exclusive relationship, sounds like he's a cheater, too.

    For a place to start, I'd suggest you find a counselor/therapist to talk about the issues with your divorce and your mother's death. Each of those things is a stressful event in and of itself, let alone the double whammy you got. In addition, you might also want to explore with a counselor the reasons why you ended up in an unhealthy relationship.

    Beyond that, you might also want to check out some support groups. Often times churches or community organizations will have post-divorce support groups and grief support groups. Many times it is free to attend these groups (although they might pass the hat for a voluntary donation).

    Frankly, I think you may not be in the best of places to consider a romantic relationship right now. You've had a lot of other crap dumped on you, and it might be more beneficial to you in the long run to get yourself straightened out and healed up before you attempt a romantic involvement.
    "And all I can think is that it must be a kind of rebellion
    to arm your fears like soldiers and to slay them...." -The Airborne Toxic Event

    "All you need to understand is everything you know is wrong." - Weird Al Yankovic


  6. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    I don't totally understand the concepts of narcisstic mate or no contact... I am not up to date on the different relationship terms I guess... however it sounds like this man is using you and you are allowing him to do so. I agree with the poster who wrote:

    It sounds to me that you just need someone to fill a hole within yourself so you latched on to an older man....problem is he still has the mentality of a 5 year old.

    Why is it that much older men can be so immature when they date younger women, and that they are not actually ready to handle a real relationship?? I'm not sure if that's narcissistic or immature or what, but you don't need it. I think you should stick to NC so that you can get the point across to this man that you no longer need him. I understand you were going through some hard times, but it might be refreshing and liberating to say, "I can do things on my own now, I don't need anyone else, especially not someone who doesn't give me what I want."

  7. #6
    Thank you for responding! I know that what you are telling me is so true. I am just in shock about the Narcissist diagnosis. I just learned of such a disorder and I can't believe that this is an incurable illness. He did come into my life at a most vulnerable time. My mother was dying and did die, I was separated and going through a divorce, had a car accident, and was eventually drawn into legal issues where I have now 4 different attorney's in lawsuits that evolved as a part of my deceased mother's estate. I am ashamed to admit that I still want this man. And, I am having a difficult time getting over him. He is charming, articulate, well educated, handsome, is a musician, a business owner, and has a family that loves me dearly. We are all disappointed that he has dropped me. I am looking for any ray of hope that this disease can be cured, or instructions on how to make the best of it in a relationship with him.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Quote Originally Posted by Lady D View Post
    No I don't think he will come back unless you make the first move, if he is a narcissist. Been through the same myself

    Love Lady D x
    Have to agree here. I'm pretty sure my ex (who's pretty self-absorbed and immature) won't contact me unless he it's that he needs something from me. And he's seeing someone else so I don't really want him around, anyway.
    "Don't jump FROM something; jump TO something."

  9. #8
    Gold Member Momene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    I'm sorry but even if he took you back, the relationship would not be a good one. Honestly, you're best off without him, difficult as this may seem now.

    Take care.

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