Erotic Letters

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. He's on the other side of the world, and is working ridiculously long hours to save up enough to get over here to see me. We are going to be 8 months apart, and thats ok with me as long as I get some sort of sexual contact in the meantime with him. So I began writing him erotic letters, and encouraged him to do the same back, but his letters were very few and far between, and were no where near as passionate as mine. I went to visit him recently, and I was using his computer to check emails, and noticed a letter he wrote to his ex girlfriend (who I know he was very much into). It was a 26 page erotic letter, very detailed, extremely passionate and beautiful. And he wrote it to her when they weren't even together. Now I'm stuck. I know he loves me, he's moving away from everything he knows for me, but I fear that maybe he doesn't have as strong sexual feelings for me as he did for this other girl. And the worst part is I can't really say anything, because then I'll have to admit I was a bad person for reading it in the first place. What should I do? How do I get him to see me as more sexual?

Guess what you don't trust him so well, its never a good idea to run through peoples personal things and you did this becuase you are untrusting in him.

You should tell him you went through it. You can't make a guy be more sexual, sometimes men are attracted to some women more than others.

It sounds like you are very focused on sex and sexual contact and that might have been a bit much for him and turned him off a bit. Perhaps he thinks that it's not that you need the sexual contact but you need the validation from him - and that kind of neediness can be a turn off.

The problem with snooping is that if you use what you found, you have to admit to snooping and admit to why you were snooping.

I would not want to be with someone who would write a letter like that, not because it's cheating but because it's inappropriate and inconsistent with a committed relationship.

No, I definitely trust him, I'd trust him with anything, and I would never, ever think he would cheat on me. He's a great guy. And I'm pretty relaxed, if someone told me they saw him doing something, I wouldn't really care, I probably wouldn't ever bring it up with him. I just know he wouldn't do it. I know I'm not a good person for going through his stuff, but its not because I don't trust him, I was just very curious, and it got the best of me! It wasn't hidden or anything (so I didn't go through his computer), it was just saved under his mydocuments, all in the open. Its just weird, he tells me he's more attracted to me than he's ever been to anyone is his life, and he's making a HUGE move out here for me. But then I find this, and I'm like, while won't he do this for me?

I guess you are right, I do like sexual contact, and I guess it is validation in a way, but its also just nice! Just, knowing the other person can feel like that about you. He didn't write it when we were together, he wrote it a while before that.

With all due respect, if you trusted him you wouldn't be curious to snoop through the documents on his computer. It wouldn't even occur to you and if it did, not to the point of actually doing it.

Hmm, maybe you are right, but I didn't really feel betrayed or anything. Maybe a little jealous of the other girl. Ok, a lot jealous.

Hmm, maybe you are right, but I didn't really feel betrayed or anything. Maybe a little jealous of the other girl. Ok, a lot jealous.

So tell him.

Obviously it's natural to feel jealous. The problem is, you don't know if he sent the letter since you say it was just in his documents or whether he just wrote out his feelings and addressed it to her. As I mentioned above, my sense is that you wanted him to write you letters to validate his sexual attraction to you. Once he felt pressured, it wasn't fun to do.

Wow, that's kind of depressing, I hope that's not the way he feels! I just wanted a way to let out those feelings, particularly as its such a long time until we see each other again. And we don't do the phone sex, or web cam thing, so its really our only outlet. I guess I could tell him, I know he wouldn't break up with me, he'd probably just be embarrased, maybe a little shocked I did that. Lol, I was hoping you guys were going to give me some advice on something I could write to him to make him feel more in the mood to do it. I hope he doesn't feel pressured, that would be horrible.

Just because you have those sexual feelings does not mean that he wants to express them in the way you want him to. Ask him what would work for him. If he can't come up with a way then the two of you might not be compatible for a long distance relationship since you seem to need an outlet for sexual feelings when you are not together (and that is fine, it's just that you expect him to feel the same way). I am in an LDR -we see each other about ever 10 days -two weeks. I could not be in an LDR where it was more than a month between visits because to me that would be mostly based on fantasy and not day to day reality. Is it possible he is feeling that way - not connected enough emotionally - so that the sexual contact you want doesn't really resonate with him?

I've kind of already tried that, and he didn't really give me an answer. I guess we aren't really compatible in a LDR, mainly because I am not even used to long term relationships, I'm more used to just being free and single and having a great time. He's definitely very much a relationship person, and when we are together, we are perfect for each other. I know its a long time to wait, but I'll wait it out, because what I get at the end will be incredible. I guess I just have to stop expecting him to do stuff for me if he's not interested, and find a way to get around it myself.

yes and just be honest with him and yourself about your intentions here. he might be sensing that you're not a "relationship girl" and making sure he keeps some options open.

Well, you've definitely given me a lot to think about. I'm going to have a chat to my boyfriend, like a proper one, and not gloss over it and see what he has to say. If he's not as into me as he was into this other girl, then I don't want to do this, because I'm more into him than I've ever been into anyone (hence the LDR). I know he loves me, but if he's not into me sexually, it doesn't seem very fair to deny either of us of what we want.

Did he write the long and erotic letter to the ex while you two were together, or prior?

If while you were together, i''m with batya. I'd be more worried that he is doing that sort of thing while in a relationship with me.

Would also suggest his heart is not with me.

Way before we were together. He had just moved away from home, and I guess he just missed her, and he wrote it. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had written that when we were together either. But its just weird because he always tells me that he's more into me than he's ever been into anyone else, he's obviously in love, considering the crazy move he's making, all his friends told me they have never seen him so happy. Its just weird.

What I find odd is your insistence that he write erotic letters to you when that might not be what he is comfortable doing with you or at this time in his life.

Is it odd? I thought it was nice! He always tells me he likes getting them. I just like having that contact. Doesn't everyone?

Way before we were together. He had just moved away from home, and I guess he just missed her, and he wrote it. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had written that when we were together either. But its just weird because he always tells me that he's more into me than he's ever been into anyone else, he's obviously in love, considering the crazy move he's making, all his friends told me they have never seen him so happy. Its just weird.

Like batya said maybe he is in a different place with you. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. People grow and change. My husband 15 years ago was much more immature and clingy and such and what he did in relationships then i know won't mirror now. He has told me stories and i am like well okay then, glad you are in a better place now.

The thing is you snooped in his past and got bit. You can't judge your relationship on past relationships. He is who he is now and with you now. Maybe that ex made him crazy and it was not so much love as it was infatuation. Would you then want to still rate your relationship on the same scale? I know in the past when i was infatuated with someone I was much more intense and almost panicky with that person but it doesn't mean my love and desire for that person was stronger than who i am with now. It means I was more fickle and at a different place. It means i know we have a stronger relationship and i don't have to throw out desparate hooks to try to secure something.

Is it odd? I thought it was nice! He always tells me he likes getting them. I just like having that contact. Doesn't everyone?

No, I don't think everyone likes getting erotic letters and to be told to write erotic letters back.

Oh dear. Maybe I am being too pushy. I guess I'll just have to lay off then. I just miss fun thats all. I'll just have to take more kick boxing classes or something, lol.

Oh dear. Maybe I am being too pushy. I guess I'll just have to lay off then. I just miss fun thats all. I'll just have to take more kick boxing classes or something, lol.

As strange as it sounds the more you do your own thing and not push the more irresistible you wll probably become.

And besides, kickboxing is hot. LOL

Hmmm, I'm not very good at the hard to get thing, lol. But I'll try it and see what happens. If it works, I will definitely let everyone know. And yeah, kick boxing rocks!

Hey, I finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend the truth about finding the letter he wrote to the ex. He wasn't mad at all, just kind of like, why didn't you tell me this before, especially since you seem upset over it. Turns out, he had to write her that stuff because she had serious self esteem issues, and he had to work really hard to romance her and make her feel good about herself. He said he hadn't done the same for me because I seemed way too confident and sure of myself to have to be told over and over again how beautiful he thought I was. I told him it made me jealous, and I felt worse about him not writing to me as much because of it. I don't think I'd care nearly as much if I'd never seen the letter. We just talked it out, and I'm so glad. We discussed my needs, and how frustrated it is without him doing anything for me. I think the lesson is just be honest with your feelings, and don't let things eat you up inside, let them out and see what happens.

I'm glad he wasn't upset that you read the letter. It also sounds like you are satisfied with the explanation! Good luck.