8 Years together - I'm thinking of ending it.

My girlfriend and I have been together almost 9 years but I'm no closer to wanting to marry her. My friend got married the other week and it changed something in me. I don't think I want to marry this girl.

We have been together since I was 17 and I still love her. I am scared of breaking up because I'm worried that I'm throwing away something great. But if its so great why don't I want to marry her.

Also, she's the only girl i've ever been with and I am worried that if we stay together I'll spend the rest of my life wondering who else I might have met and what my life could have been like.

Obviously I'm leaning towards the breakup but its daunting. I don't know what I expect to gain by posting this but its my only choice. We share friends and I don't feel comfortable sharing with them.

They call it "cold feet"

Lol, you'll get over it.

hey, I think it is great you are thinking about this issue now rather than after the wedding and a baby or two. what do you like about her? what do you not like about her? have you ever wanted to marry her?

Like Oprah says, "Doubt means DON'T." I wouldn't go for it unless you are 160% sure.

She really says doubt means don't? I have to say that I feel that's an absolute crock.

Doubt means it's time to reevaluate. It doesn't mean anything else. When I see a pretty girl that I want to talk to, EVERY time I have a twinge of doubt. If I listened to it I never would have got anywhere. Sometimes you reign in, sometimes you realize what has to be done.

When in doubt, THINK. I believe that's a better motto.

I wouldn't listen to a word Oprah says... ever... about anything. If you love the girl talk to her about it, maybe you're not ready to get married period. I mean 9 years is a LONG relationship to be throwing away, definitely give it some serious thought.

She really says doubt means don't? I have to say that I feel that's an absolute crock.

 

Doubt means it's time to reevaluate. It doesn't mean anything else. When I see a pretty girl that I want to talk to, EVERY time I have a twinge of doubt. If I listened to it I never would have got anywhere. Sometimes you reign in, sometimes you realize what has to be done.

 

When in doubt, THINK. I believe that's a better motto.

Well, she used it in the context of getting married (not approaching a girl). ie, if you are having any doubts, then DON'T get married. Maybe if more people listened to doubts and red flags earlier on, there wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate.

I'm not suggesting he not think about it, just that he not make any ACTIVE plans right now to marry her until this is sorted out.

^So what Oprah meant was: "Doubt means DON'T{not right now anyway}"

actually... your concerns are very real. many people get married and then suffer through the "what-if's" and "what-could-have-beens."

i may sound like a jerk for saying this, but i honestly don't anybody should marry their first real boyfriend/girlfriend without having any other experience. we only live one time, and i feel like getting married without ever really LIVING is going to doom the marriage. anyway, after nine years you still don't want to marry her. don't you think you already KNOW she's not the one for you? of course you love her, but is she your number one true love? perhaps she is.. but honestly, how do you REALLY know that without ever seeing what else could be out there?

but that's just me.

yeah im gunna be a bit of a jerk too and agree with kaotic - if you're even wondering what it would be like to be with someone else, to the point of wondering whether or not you should break up with your longterm gf... then i'd say it's pretty obvious that you want to (and should be able to) go for it, and live life.

Only problem is if you love the girl it'll hurt both of you, if you have mutual friends be prepared to lose some/all of them, and remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. If you do break up - this will sound heartless - but try not to burn your bridges?

Good luck eh?

Some friends of mine were together for 8 years. They had bought a house together, lived together a few years and it seemed to everyone (including the girl in the relationship) that they were the perfect couple and that they'd be together forever. The guy had different ideas and split up with her. It turned out that he'd felt some attraction to another woman and this made him doubt that his partner was the right girl for him. So he left her. She was devasteated obviously, but stayed strong and picked up the pieces and moved on.

He on the other hand, soon realised that he had made a huge mistake and spent the next 12 months trying to win her back (to no avail). He was on anti-depressants, living with his parents on a camp bed, and in a total mess.

It's a 4 years on and they've both moved on with life now (she's married with a baby on the way and he's living with someone else), but I would think really long and hard about what you want to do. It might be the best thing you ever did BUT it might be the biggest mistake of your life and you need to be prepared for that if you leave her.

Sagittarius,

My ex did the same thing. 8 years together and he threw it all away for the other woman he only knew for 8 months. He was more convinced she was the one after a short time. It took the idiot 8 years to figure out I wasn't the one. I can't lie...it hurts like hell. I hope she is worth it because I couldn't imagine putting this kind a pain on anyone for someone i just met.

First of all, thanks for your responses.

Here is a bit more info.

We have always been opposites. I'm really outgoing and she is really shy. I like change and new experiences... she hates change. Humour is a big part of my life. She doesn't make me laugh.

When we are out with our friends I wish she wasn't. That's so harsh but its true. We have so little to talk about. Seems like what's for dinner is the extent of it these days.

I could keep ranting but I think you get the point. But, on the other hand we do have fun together and I love her. She loves me so much and is such an amazing person. The though of how much this is going to hurt her is paralyzing.

This isn't the first time I have thought about this. Over a year ago we were abroad and I told myself that I would give it a few months and then end it. But I never did.

This isn't just a big ploy to sleep with other woman. This is about making a decision because one is due. I feel like I need to marry her or let her go.

Do her a favor and let her go. Take it from me it hurts much more when they string you along and waste precious years of your life. Your not doing her any favors keeping her in an unloving relationship. It's a selfish thing to do and I hate to say it but she will hate you for it in the end. I know I hate my ex. Not because he didn't want to marry me but because he strung me along for his own selfish reasons only to leave me in the end. It's a horrible thing to do to someone. We only get one life so how we spend our years are important. No one should waste someone's time.

I feel like I need to marry her or let her go.

well, marriage aside, do you want to spend the rest of your life with her, be committed to her?

so, if you broke up with her, what would you do? enjoy your singledom, ask out some other women. what do you do if after 6 months, you realize you lost the best thing in your life?

 

She doesn't make me laugh.

 

When we are out with our friends I wish she wasn't.

 

But, on the other hand we do have fun together and I love her. .

contradicting statements, but if the former is true, it's time to let her go.

9 Years.... Wow I think your are making a mistake. Only sleeping with one person is kinda special i think, but its your choice.. Also you might not get that chance of being with her again if you let her go. Are you willing to see her walk around with another guy.. You say the extent of your relationship is whats for dinner but the truth is. What are you doing to make things better or fun or exciting? Its hard to say but you did love her at one time i mean if you spent the last 9 years with her then there must have been good times.. thats a long time.. I would think about everything!!!!!! You guys have been dating for longer then some people are married. Good luck bro. I would say to think really hard.. I mean you could be jumping around from bad relationship to bad relationship for the next 9 years.. Whatever you do BE HAPPY!!!!!

I can't imagine how you feel in a relationship of 9 years, as my boyfriend & I have faced something similar to this after 2.5 years. We are high school sweethearts and he has expressed similar feelings to me. He is so afraid of making the wrong choice in life, he got caught up in the fear & stopped having fun. For us, at least for now, we decided it's still worth it.

If my boyfriend had been talking like you, I would really pray he would be a man enough to break up and NEVER look back. Yes it will hurt like hell but it will hurt 1000 times more when you two are 45 with three wailing children and a wedge the size of a small country between your marriage.

When I thought my bf and I might break up, I talked to my father who is incredible with advice. I told him I couldn't stand seeing an end to all our amazing memories. He said to me, "Never try to force feed a relationship just because you USED to have great memories." Memories are not enough of a foundation to build a future on.

thereforeeee I disagree with Manster & other posters who are saying "Wow 9 years think about all the good times!" 9 years is just a number ... you have made some VERY bold statements (she doesn't make you laugh??? You don't like it when you're out and she's around??)

Seriously brother, pull the plug. The girl will cry but she isn't made of sand.

i'm with havefaith's dad on this one ^^^ ...wise man...

you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes, just like in the song, and you both deserve a partner that is deeply in love...

Your dad is awesome. Thats the most amazing advise.

As for you with the girlfriend...well if she doesn't make you laugh and you dont' like to have her around when youre with friends, and the conversations ran dry because you just don't have that same personality type (conversations only there when there's a big event or controversy or big change, right?)....WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WITH HER FOR? This should be your bestfriend the partner in crime....not "the wife" "the ball and chain".

I'm sorry but if I didn't want my fiance to hang out with my friends, we wouldn't be together. Yeah you wasted years, maybe its the whole being attached to your first, many teenage memories shared, etc. Time to cut the string.

I love his friends, in fact I am usually the only girl in an all guys crew and they treat me like their own....thats how i know. And my friends think he's hilerious.

When we're alone, he makes me laugh....constantly. I make him laugh.

I can't see how anythign could survive without having fun and sharing friends with the person you love most. You're going to learn to hate her.

Sounds to me like you've already broken up with her, man.

You're already detached as you've mentioned all the things you dislike about your relationship with her.... "however", you say... "she still loves me very much"... Obviously, love isn't enough for you from this lady. You're what, 26? Nine years is a realllly long time.. you were together during the growth years. During the years when if any changes in emotional development take place, thats when they happen. You got through it... together.

I agree with faith's dad... dont be nostalgic and dont stay with her just because of surrounding influences. She deserves better, no offense. Imagine her married and pregnant.. with another man. How does that make you feel?

Totallyconfused,

Some of your disappointments could just be because you've been together so long and it's easy to get bored with a person and take them for granted. What you might want to try before letting her go is for both of you to recall what you loved about each other in the beginning. If you can reignite those feelings, you may find you still want to be with her.

On the other hand, you're only 26. And given that you met when you were both teens I'm sure you both have changed a lot over the years. Maybe you're both too afraid to be alone and that's why you've stuck it out so long. If you do end it, don't let it get messy. She may be the one for you but you feel you need to break free and experience life on your own for awhile.

But, if you do break up with her do NOT jump into a new relationship. You need to take your new single status as an opportunity to learn about you and who you are as an individual, not as a couple.

If I think about what makes me happy in a relationship, its common interest, the ability to talk for HOURS on end and neither tire of nor bore the other person, and the ability to laugh together. I also know I'm truly in love with someone when wanting to just be WITH them (no matter what we're doing) makes me happier than being without them any day, without hesitation. Certainly there are other aspects, but these are a few of the biggest ones (and missing any one is a dealbreaker for me).

You say you love your girlfriend and you have fun together. But you have little in common, don't make each other laugh, have nothing to talk about, and you even said there are times you are together that you wish she was not around. I'm not sure where the love and fun comes in.

Let me ask you this: If your girlfriend felt about you the way you feel about her, how would that make you feel? Would you want her to struggle through "putting up" with you for selfish reasons (that she might not find someone better)? Or would you want her to free you to find someone who loves you without a doubt or question?

I think you should just let her go. You're the same age as me and although 9 years is a long time, you're both still very young. It's not like you will never ever find great partners who will love you the way you want.

I personally think that the reason why you haven't ended things is because you're young - and scared, and fearful, and guilty. But if you're thinking do or die (on marriage), then that is a huge red flag, and as other people have said - how can you have fun with a partner that doesn't make you laugh?

The rels has run it's course, but that doesn't mean that both of your abilities to love have. And it doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that she's not an emotionally fullfilling person. It just means that you must let each other go, and find the one.

Totallyconfused,

its funny how i found this thread. My boyfriend and I broke up on our 9 year anniversary. He couldn't commit to marrying me. We were aleady living with eachother. I feel like he never loved me as much as i loved him, because of that, i was very needy. I tried my best to keep him. I can always tell that he was trying to see what was around. He broke up with me every time a new girl was in the picture and when she didnt like him back, he would come back to me. I realize now that it was both our faults. It was his because he wasnt man enough to let me go. It was mine because i wasn't woman enough to let him go. Now, we have dragged it out to 9 years. For the respect of her and your relationship, be the one to let her go. Its not fair to the both of you.

PS. For a second I thought you were my ex boyfriend..haha

I think you need to think long and hard before you break up with her....please let her know how you are feeling and discuss it with her. I'm in a relationship for almost 8 years and I'm having problems whereby I'm ready for more committment and my boyfriend, like yourself, is having doubts...he has made me aware of these doubts and although it hurt a lot when he told me..if things don't work out between us..I will respect him a lot more for giving me some warning...9 years is a long time to throw away...you may not realise the full extent to how involved you are with this person. I know that after almost 8 years, my boyfriend knows me better than anyone else...it would/quite possibly will be very strange not being in a relationship with him, but although I will be gutted if it doesn't work out between us...I love him and I have to respect that although we are a couple, we are still individuals and as individuals we may grow to want different directions in life.

Looking at it from the other side, ie, from a girl in a long term relationship with a guy who isn't sure if he wants to settle down...as with my own boyfriend...I think you guys should know by now if the relationships are for you. Personally, I am considering ending my relationship, as although my boyfriend has advised me that he wants us to carry on and see how things go...I'm not sure I can, now that I know he is uncertain about me...I have been with my boyfriend since I was 17 also and I guess it's true that you may not have as much experience as if you had been single, but I believe the old saying "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"...

I know that for me personally, that if my boyfriend and I break up now, due to his indecisiveness and doubts...it will be a permanent break...breaking up with be very painful and it is something that is difficult to come back from. You need to be certain that you are happy to live the rest of your life without her...you are willing to see her meet another guy...settle down and have a family with him...the possibility that you may not meet someone else that you love more and ultimately that you gave up something that you should have cherished because you were afraid or uncertain. I know that this is a horrible horrible question, but it is one that I have asked myself...how would you feel if something fatal happened to her? if you were never going to see her or have the opportunity to be with her again? Sometimes we take people and what we have for granted and it is important to make sure that this is not the case!

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do...but please discuss it with her...she will appreciate your honesty in the long run!