Drinking Problem

Let me start from the beginning. My girlfriend and I are in our mid-20s and have been dating for several years. We plan to marry, she's just waiting on me to propose. The problem that's come up recently is that she's a very curious person and wants to try to get "tipsy" one time to see what it's like....not drunk mind you, just tipsy, or buzzed. I, on the other hand, find nothing more repulsive than seeing someone drink to excess. To me, it's something immature people do because their lives suck. I've always associated it with "losers," and have typically shied away from my friends when they do it. To think of my girlfriend doing this almost makes me want to throw up. I've told her this, and when I did she cried and grudingly gave in to me. This was a few months back. This week she brought it up again, and the way she talks about it makes it seem very important for her to try. She claims that she only wants to try it once and would never do it again, which I do believe. That is consistent with her personality. She says she wants to do things that normal people do...she wants to try it at home with our friends while we watch a football game or something...when it's just "the natural time" to do it. I just can't get past the fact that I tell her I find people who drink unattractive AND SHE STILL WANTS TO DO IT. Most of my friends drink so they think I'm crazy. I need more perspective on this. Please help.

As an aside, I am an atheist (as is my girlfriend) and so religion plays no role in my opinion; my reasons not to drink are twofold: (1) I never want to be in a situation where I am not in full control of my faculties and would be dependent on others. (2) I believe that what makes us human and above the animals is that we have the capacity to think. Thus, any action purposefully taken to remove our capacity to think removes our humanity. I see a drunk human as nothing more than a stupid animal and I treat it accordingly.

In the scheme of things, this is a small issue. Don't get yourself hung up on this one. There are going to be far more challenging issues ahead of you that will really challenge your values, (not necessarily religion). Life will become more complex and the rights and wrongs begin to blur. This doesn't mean that you lose your values, they will just change with your life experiences, so don't sweat it

I admire your stance on drinking. But that's YOUR stance. Is it not okay for you to have yours and for her to have her own? She is only talking about trying it, and she may find it extremely distasteful.

Either way, I understand that you don't find drunkeness attractive, but I'm not sure we're talking about her being blind drunk here. You also have every right to decide what you find attractive. So I guess what it comes down to is, are there enough things you love about her that will outweigh this potential incident?

The funny thing is, you say you have friends who drink, and you haven't shut them out of your life. Why the need to control your girlfriend and not your friends? I could see if she planned to make this a habit, but to try it one time is THAT unacceptable? I don't know... this seems like more of a control issue than a drinking issue.

Well, I think that by your hard-line stance against it, you're making it even more attractive to her. It's quite common for people to want what they think they can't/shouldn't have. Even if they had absolutely no interest until someone said, "You can't do that."

For all you know, she may take one sip of an alcoholic beverage, think it tastes like crap and be done with it. By making it this big deal that she should NEVER even so much as try a sip....well...I think you're setting up a dynamic where the "forbidden fruit" is going to seem so much sweeter.

Speaking of dynamics, in a relationship when one partner starts "forbidding" the other to do things, you're setting up more of a parent-child kind of dynamic rather than the relationship between equal partners. Speaking as someone who is in a relationship where there is an intentional imbalance of power/control, it works for some people. But for most people, I think they're interested in having a more equal relationship with their SO.

Fook me, you've not lived! Lol, just kidding. I want to say "let her try it" but I don't even understand why her drinking would be a decision for you to make!?

Speaking of dynamics, in a relationship when one partner starts "forbidding" the other to do things, you're setting up more of a parent-child kind of dynamic rather than the relationship between equal partners. Speaking as someone who is in a relationship where there is an intentional imbalance of power/control, it works for some people. But for most people, I think they're interested in having a more equal relationship with their SO.

I agree, if this is something she wants to do, maybe its part of growing up and discovering why people do it. She might hate it she might like it, but either way she will know and so will you. Maybe that will be the straw for you that breaks the camels back but its better to find out now than later that you two don't mesh because she likes to have a drink now and again.

I think S2S brings up some very good points here. Your girlfriend is her own individual person with her own will and her own opinions and desires, and you have to admit that your feelings against drinking are pretty extreme, and is it really fair to force that on someone else?

She's not talking about being a habitual alcoholic, she's talking about experimenting a bit socially, which most people do.

There's a difference between enjoying a few drinks and making a fool of yourself or drinking to the point of putting your own or someone else's life in danger.

As S2S said, you are her partner, not her father.

I'll give you an example. My fiance likes to gamble. He'll spend a night at the casino or go on a casino cruise every now and then. I find it kind of stupid because he almost always loses and I don't see the point in risking money on something like that. I don't enjoy gambling and I don't really see the appeal in doing it, but my fiance seems to enjoy it from time to time.

It's not a problem for us, he's not out of control with it, so I just let it go. It's not my job to tell him what he can or can't do. If it was a problem, such as we were going to lose our house over it or he was doing it every week or every night, then I'd have to make a decision about whether he was the right partner for me. But seeing as it's a now and then sort of thing and he has fun doing it, I understand and accept that.

Make sense?

It's her life let her live it, many brilliant people drink and getting tipsy is far from drinking to excess.

"an intelligent man is sometimes found to be drunk to spend time with the fools he must come in contact with every day". Hemmingway

That's pretty much the reason I drink, let her try it if she wants.

You guys make some good points. Maybe I am making too much of this and should just relax. Like you said, it's not like she even wants to get drunk and it'd just be a one time thing.

Also, I don't mean for you all to think I am "forbidding" her to do anything. She knows it's her decision and I've never tried to stop her, but she's told me that she can't stand doing anything that would ever disappoint me or do something I don't approve of or do something that would make me find her less appealing, and since I can't honestly say I approve of it, in her mind this probably is the same as my "not allowing her to do it." How can I ease her mind without giving up my opinion? I need a nice way to say to her "No, I think it's stupid and I don't approve, but if that's what you want to do go ahead, it's not that big of a deal."

Well, I definitely don't think you should approach it like that, because you are basically acting like a parent. If you phrase it like that you are telling her that you will be upset and disgusted if she tries it, regardless of what her feelings are on the subject.

How about something like, "Well, it's certainly not for me, but I understand if you want to try it since you haven't before."

That way, she understands (as she already knows) that it's not your bag, but that you are still going to love and accept her if she wants to experiment a little.

The truth is that we are all going to disappoint our partners at one time or another, or do something that to them doesn't make a lot of sense. But in the grand scheme of things this is very minor and part of loving someone unconditionally is understanding they are different from you and may do things that you would not, but so long as they treat you (and themselves) with love, respect and kindness, loving them irregardless.

I think my problem is that I don't see it as a simple difference of preferences. It's not like someone says, "Would you like a Pepsi" and I get ticked that my girlfriend says, "Yes, I'll try it since I've never had it before" just because I don't want to try Pepsi. Clearly that wouldn't bother me, and you could argue that getting tipsy is the same way. "Would you like to get tipsy?"...."Yes, I'll try it since I've never done it before." So it's not just a mere preference she's wanting...maybe I'm just scared that she'll start behaving differently or that I'll have to be a parent to her while she's in her funky state. Sigh....I don't really know.

In my opinion you are being way to controling. Whats worse, using emotional blackmail? or stop someone doing something which is harmless in moderation?

It's her choice if she wants to have a glass of wine or a beer, you can tell her your opinion but I don't think you should do it to the level that she is crying and upset.

I'm sorry but I really can't believe this is for real.

How about something like, "Well, it's certainly not for me, but I understand if you want to try it since you haven't before."

I think this is an excellent solution. Perfectly fair and reasonable.

I think my problem is that I don't see it as a simple difference of preferences. It's not like someone says, "Would you like a Pepsi" and I get ticked that my girlfriend says, "Yes, I'll try it since I've never had it before" just because I don't want to try Pepsi. Clearly that wouldn't bother me, and you could argue that getting tipsy is the same way. "Would you like to get tipsy?"...."Yes, I'll try it since I've never done it before." So it's not just a mere preference she's wanting...maybe I'm just scared that she'll start behaving differently or that I'll have to be a parent to her while she's in her funky state. Sigh....I don't really know.

I think you are jumping the gun here. She hasn't even tried it yet.

Do you think that perhaps you have a little bit of an issue with control in general? Between not ever wanting to lose control via a drink, and how you're trying to control her... it might be something worth exploring a bit.

She might very well behave differently after a drink or two. Most people do. But that doesn't mean she will be badly behaved, or need parenting. Are you scared that she will not be controllable by you while drinking?

nothing wrong with having a good time. now if she gets sloppy and is drinking every night, i'd toss in the towel if you can't take it.

How is it not a preference?

She has a desire to experiment with something that is pretty common, legal, and reasonable in moderate amounts.

If you don't want to feel responsible for her, don't. You aren't- she is an adult, (I think, you haven't posted your ages here) and she is capable of making her own choices and being responsible for herself.

The fact that she is open with you about it and wants to do it in the company of people she knows and trusts is a good thing, if you ask me.

I wonder if this has more to do with you not trusting her to drink responsibly and to be faithful to you, than it does with her desire to give it a try.

I enjoy a few drinks every so often with friends, or out to dinner. Sometimes I'll have a beer of a glass of wine at home on my own after work or on a saturday. In fact, we are having a rowdy Halloween costume party at my house this weekend and I expect I'll be pretty tipsy. But I am certainly not an animal, in fact, I am a responsible adult with a college education, a respectable career, my own home... you get the idea.

It seems you are equating having a few drinks with being a homeless bum who rapes children or something.

How does having a couple of drinks make you an animal?

I'm against drinking for similar reasons that you are (and the fact that at age 18, it's against the law for my boyfriend and me). I understand that it's harmless in moderation, but I'm extremely passionate against me or my boyfriend getting drunk. I've never had a drink, and neither had my boyfriend up until a recent situation.

My boyfriend and I went on a break a couple of weeks ago because we're college freshmen and wanted to "discover our own people." We're back together now, but I heard from people we live with (we live on the same floor in an on-campus dorm) that he went and drank for the first time the night we broke up. This made me find him extremely unattractive and disgusted by the things he did "while tipsy," for the reasons you mentioned before.

I know I can't control him, and I have no desire to. But I just wanted to say that I sympathize with the OP; you're not crazy or the only person in the world that feels that way about drinking. Granted, since you're in your mid-20s that it's a little different, since it's legal, but the reasons against getting drunk are the same (not religious, I'm an atheist as well).

The only thing you can do is let your girlfriend know that this is a passionate belief of yours, and understand that she's not going against you if she decides to drink. That's something I'm dealing with right now - trying to realize that my boyfriend's decision to drink doesn't have anything to do with me. It's their bodies, their decisions, and we have to accept that, as long as it's in moderation and they don't try to force their beliefs about drinking on us.

Let me know how things go with your girlfriend -- I'm very interested because I'm dealing with such a similar thing.

Well in england we have a much bigger drinking culture, its slightly different in the USA. Also not all people turn into abusive blithering idiots when drunk. Who are loud and irritating. I'm sure you will realise this when you have more experience in the matter.

Fook me, you've not lived! Lol, just kidding. I want to say "let her try it" but I don't even understand why her drinking would be a decision for you to make!?

First of all, LOL on the fook me. Secondly, I completely agree with the last line and was wondering the same.

I had to reply to this as I HAVE been in your girlfriends shoes before.

My husband did the same exact thing you are doing and saying to your girlfriend. And I didn't go against him because "I didn't want to disappoint him" or "make him disgusted at me".

You know what that did after a couple of years??? It built up this dark anger inside of me... this hatred for how my husband was so controlling. It almost broke us up. If it wasn't for us giving it another try because we have a kid together I would've probably thrown in the towel.

You need to let her try or she will start despising you. Maybe not at first but over time. She already wants to but WON'T because of you. That isn't fair on her. She is her own person and she just wants to try it.

I tried it and only have a beer like once or twice a year. My husband has since learned to loosen up some. He now knows that he ISN'T my boss and we are both our own people that have different needs.

How about something like, "Well, it's certainly not for me, but I understand if you want to try it since you haven't before."

That is the best way to say it as any other way will sound like you are "telling" her not to. Believe me, I've been there and know.

Loosen up that grip now or you may lose it all when you hit way bigger problems then these. You are risking losing her.