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Thread: Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

  1. #21
    Gold Member istillluvu06's Avatar
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    Very well said, He has said that about the jealousy thing, that I have made him feel like he can never do right or do enough.
    I really love this man and realize love isn't selfish, it's not about what I need or WANT right now, it's about respecting him and giving him his space.
    Yes he knows I go to counseling.
    I realized alot of my "rushing" things is that I'm afraid if I don't then it won't happen at all. So Then I second guess all his moves, "does he really mean this??" Etc.
    I have been very counter productive to myself and to the realtionship, which has caused most of the problems.
    He has expressed his need to not be pushed or forced, he wants to do things on his own. I would rather he did too.

  2. #22
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    Zorba, thanks for your posts. I have to wonder if taking the "Friendly" way out works for women who were dumped, though. This makes us look a bit like a doormat - men love the thrill of the chase so I feel like making a complete disappearance on our part - even if the last contact wasn't so good - is the best way to go, rather than try to clear the air. Trying to be friendly gives them a sign that we're still interested.

    The way I see it - in very basic terms - the dumper ended the relationship, which thereforeeee hurt the dumpee. It's up to the dumper to make amends, which can be difficult because their pride gets in the way. I would say that this, of course, does not apply if the dumpee was dumped for reasons of lying or cheating.

    Still, I think the basic instinctual/biological differences between men and women will affect the way in which NC works. Women fall in love with men when they're around, men fall in love in the spaces in between. Would you agree?

  3. #23
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    Zorba, thank you for quick answer.

    Iím aware of mistakes I have made during relationship.
    After breakup I started to work on myself, and I wonít let those mistakes to happen again.

    She started to flirt with guys immediately after breakup and jumped into rebound relationship. The guy she rebounds is terrible. She haven't had time to work on herself.

    So, when should I establish contact? Maybe after she dumps her rebound guy (if it happens at all).
    What way for establishing contact would be the best? I mean the way that will keep her interested in me. The way that wonít make me look desperate because of asking reconciliation (Iím saying this not because of my pride, but because I would like to keep her interested in me Ė to be challenge for her and make her think that she canít have me whenever she wants).

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by love4life
    Zorba, thanks for your posts.
    Thanks.
    I have to wonder if taking the "Friendly" way out works for women who were dumped, though.
    I honestly think it works for both. Mini rant! This idea that men and women are so different is wrong in my opinion. Yes there are obvious differences, but we both want the same things and we both react mostly the same way. Most of the obvious stuff can be put down to social conditioning and what is different is not such a barrier to good communication and is often used as an excuse for bad communication. Books like men are from mars women are from venus and titles like that are largely based on supposition and bad research. You know that often quoted "fact" that women use twice as many words in a day than men? Guess what it's not based on any research. It was in one of the above self help books and has been quoted by everyone else since as fact. It had and has no basis in research. Nada. Zip. That lack of vocabulary must explain the lack of famous male writers, poets and philosophers. There's a lot of that expert stuff that isn't worth the paper it's written on. hey it may help people look at things more closely but that's about it(do NOT get me started on "the secret". It's so full of holes and untruths it's actually a comedy book. I've been willing Cindy Crawford to sit on my lap for years. Result? Would I be doing this much typing if... ).Venus? Mars? Don't know about you but I'm from Earth. Nice place it is too.

    Men and women are as different to each other as they are to each others gender. Look at the individual, not the gender. I know men who have what would be thought of as a "female" way of looking at the world and visa versa. There are subtle differences between the two, but not so much as some would have us believe. End rant!
    This makes us look a bit like a doormat
    You see that's the thing(there's always a thing friendly doesn't equate to doormat or at least it shouldn't. People often make that mistake, especially women. Some women(and men) all too often try to make their entire social circle happy and end up making themselves unhappy. All in the guise of being "friendly". You can say no in a friendly way and still mean no. It's all about what you want put politely and mannerly and clear way.
    men love the thrill of the chase so I feel like making a complete disappearance on our part
    Some do, some don't. I don't. I find it a game playing bore to be honest. Any time a woman has tried that with me I lost interest.
    is the best way to go, rather than try to clear the air. Trying to be friendly gives them a sign that we're still interested.
    You see I don't mean you should clear the air in the sense of rehashing the whole thing. Just to say. It was good up to the end, it's a pity it didn't work out, but we both need to move on and far less contact is the way to go. See what they say to that. If they say fine, see if they stick to it. If they say I would prefer to have you as a friend, just firmly but nicely say no, not at the moment if ever. See if they stick to that too. Wish them the very best and thank them for the good times and walk away. trust me that will peak their interest. Over time if you stick to it that will really peak their interest. If they meet you in a few months time and they see you looking hotter, fitter and more confident than when they left you, they will look twice and harbour some regret. If the connection was strong between you, it'll be more than that. If it doesn't go that way well then you'll be hotter, fitter and more confident than you were. Good result all around.
    The way I see it - in very basic terms - the dumper ended the relationship, which thereforeeee hurt the dumpee.
    Yes the dumper ended it and the dumpee got hurt. It took two to tango and something pushed the dumper into taking that decision. Forget that, blame is for the schoolyard. You have the control now for your life. See your mistakes, forgive yourself and work on them if you need too. The real trick is to do the same for the dumper. Remember this person you loved very much, so why not give them that gift in your mind for you.. Then you don't just give up, you truly let go an that stuff is powerful mojo.
    It's up to the dumper to make amends, which can be difficult because their pride gets in the way.
    I honestly think pride is another excuse. If they're that proud, then you do not want to be in a relationship with them. If they won't make a simple admission and have the balls to back it up they're not worth it. Seriously.
    th I would say that this, of course, does not apply if the dumpee was dumped for reasons of lying or cheating.
    True, but even there I've seen strong couples get back after that.

    Still, I think the basic instinctual/biological differences between men and women will affect the way in which NC works.
    Dont get me ranting again.....
    Women fall in love with men when they're around, men fall in love in the spaces in between. Would you agree?
    No and you'll get an equal amount of people saying the complete opposite. Men only think of a women when she's in front of him, women think more about a man when he's not around. Familiar? I think men do compartmentalise more as a very general rule. That is a brain structure difference. We can abstract out something or someone more easily. We can also emotionally obsess as much as women can, if not more. Look at some of the posters here.

    I do think the advice works for both. More importantly it works for both genders for themselves.

    There should be more smilies up there but it won't let me put more than four

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by micro
    Iím aware of mistakes I have made during relationship.
    After breakup I started to work on myself, and I wonít let those mistakes to happen again.
    Good for you I wish you the best of luck with that journey.

    She started to flirt with guys immediately after breakup and jumped into rebound relationship.
    She was probably trying to see if she still had her attraction.
    The guy she rebounds is terrible. She haven't had time to work on herself.
    He may be terrible to you, but she must like him if she's with him. Forget him. He doesn't matter. Hell, she doesn't matter. You matter. Don't forget about yourself.

    So, when should I establish contact? Maybe after she dumps her rebound guy (if it happens at all).
    Again forget about him.
    What way for establishing contact would be the best? I mean the way that will keep her interested in me. The way that wonít make me look desperate because of asking reconciliation (Iím saying this not because of my pride, but because I would like to keep her interested in me Ė to be challenge for her and make her think that she canít have me whenever she wants).
    The way you are now, she knows she can have you anytime. So that's not working and won't. Start by saying hello and smiling when you see her, Simple stuff. Don't have to talk to her, just smile and walk. What you're doing now just makes you look childish. If she wants to play that way, let her. You don't have to.

    Basically if you want any hope of her coming back let her go. Work on you. How you know you're doing it right is when it doesn't freak you out to see her. She will see that. Even if she doesn't other women, better women will.

  7. #26
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    whoever said that ex's who dump you are not physically attracted to you anymore is false.

    the guy i dated for 3 years (my only) left me ....and throughout the entire relationship he was allll over me, almost too much, too muh for me especially. and even after the split he admitted he was still very much attracted to me. we were/are both virgins saving ourselves for marriage.

    So.. just sayin, one persons word doesnt make it fact.

  8. #27
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    I never said they weren't still sexually attracted to you. I simply said that if they leave you for someone else in the rebound phase they are simply more attracted to them. It can be dressed up as "I'm more in love with them" or "I see you more as a friend", but that's what it boils down too. If they weren't all things being equal they would stick around. If someone is in a longterm relationship where you were both emotionally pretty much ok and sexually pretty much ok, most would stay. Exceptions would be much younger people who would feel the need to explore other options or simply growing apart mutually.

    In any case your example is a little different with the whole no sex virgin angle. He was "all over you" during the relationship. Too much for you it seems. A continuing attraction in that case is even more likely, from simple frustration if nothing else. If since he left he's still a virgin well good for him(and you).

    People differ and there are no hard an fast rules and romantic interactions are complex things that are not readily reductible to equations, but there are trends and common threads in relationships and that's one of them. We're all human after all.

  9. #28
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    So, would just all of a sudden disappearing be considered a childish way of initiating NC? Our last phone call was friendly.

  10. #29
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    Everyone is different. so is every situation. If you're looking at NC as a sure fire method to get her back, punish her, make her miss you, then no. Nothing will work until you let her go and get yourself back, whether you talk to her or not. If the contact is keeping you from letting her and the past go, then tell her that politely and calmly and as friendly as you can. Then tell her you can't have contact for an indeterminate time. Tell her you can't be friends. Wish her well and let her go. The fact is and people can dress it up anyway they like, but getting back together is predicated on the dumper wanting it. Nothing you can do will may change that, but there are things that you can do that will make it worse. Superdaves posts are a good start(and end) for telling you these things to avoid.

    Now I have seen one strong willed and very patient man get his ex back. he needed distance and discipline to do it but he did it. It was not easy and it took him two years and a lot of work. 90% of the work he did on himself. That included standing back and really considering whether the ex was worth his trouble. He decided she was. It didn't stop him seeing other women in the years apart and he lived his life and turned around that life like you wouldn't believe for himself first and foremost. I asked him what if she hadn't come back. His answer was it wouldn't have really mattered as his life was good without her or anyone else. her leaving him was the best present she could have given him. He didn't need her back, he wanted to share his life with someone and it turned out to be her in the end. She changed too.

    I've gotten back every one of the exes I wanted back. I did the NC then the LC, upped my game a bit and basically treated them like women I knew but hadn't gone out with. I got them back or more to the point they wanted to get back with me because of the small changes I made that made me attractive to them again. I basically picked them up again and it was far easier than the first time as I knew what buttons to push. They didn't work out in the end because I hadn't really changed at the time and neither had they. Waste of time for all concerned.

    Get yourself back, because if you don't you will not get her back. Even if you do you may not get her back. You probably won't. If you don't change and by some freak miracle you do get her back it will not last. This you have to realise, now rather than later. If you get yourself back this will still be a loss, but it won't be a great one and you should see all of this as something that you learned from. You've everything to gain from moving on and nothing to gain from staying as you are.
    Last edited by Zorba; 10-07-2007 at 03:36 PM.

  11. #30
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    Well my question to all this and it is good advise. Is what do you do if she ran back to the ex she had before you? This reverse psychology doesn't seem to apply in the situation as now I'm confused who is the rebound? I've decided the only thing I can do in my current situation is go complete NC, but I've become great friends with her family over the last 13yrs and after a couple breakups and some time apart we managed to get back together again only to have her go back to her ex. So how do I separate and have NC when I'm still friends with her family. Its not fair to me or them to have to end a friendship over this. It wasn't our choice. And how does this "reverse psychology" apply? I've just always done what I know best. Bury the feelings and move on in my life even if it was a false face I still functioned. Thanks

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