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Thread: Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

  1. #2351
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    She left you because she has a stronger connection to women, not just emotional, but sexual. I don't think it was at all related to you.

  2. #2352
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    Oh, and I think the public displays of her being loved up actually are possibly related to her really wanting to "finally come out as gay/bisexual". That's why she's being so public about it it. Personally, I don't think it will last.

  3. #2353

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    Silverbirch, I think you are spot on with her wanting to finally come out as bisexual. Its so "in your face" its unreal, she got a cup for Christmas that said "no one knows im gay" and put it online like it was a big joke. That hurt me, or when some one said they didn't believe she was gay, she replied "well you didn't know me very well" i was together with her 8 years and she has always denied it! so its such an insult for her to say/do stuff like this.

    Also about it lasting, i am 50/50. I do and dont think it will last. When she left me she said she never wanted any one else ever, and always thought we would be together for ever until she met this Girl. But on the other hand now she is saying she has never been so happy.... The girl she left me for is 7 years younger, and has nothing. My girlfriend was clutching at straws as to why she broke up with me, saying stuff like i didnt want children.... Yet she left me for a women... that is younger and probably wont want kids for another 3-4 years her self!

    Also about it being sexual, She loved the stuff we did, and its stuff she could never get from a girl-girl relationship, she has said in the past "lesbians dont know what they are missing out on" Surely she is going to eventually miss what a man can give her, its what she is used to!!

  4. #2354
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    Mid Novemeber split up with my girl of over 4 years and about 6 months after the birth our baby. A few months before the split things were not going great and about 6 weeks ago she started going out to the pub where she met some new friends, one of whom just happened to be a really friendly guy who would walk her home just to make sure she was "safe". Questioned her several times about him over the next few weeks as I was sure there was more to it but she always denied it... "him no.... he's not my type.... no way he's just a good friend etc... Yeh BS! can see right though this.

    Anyway we split I moved out and hey ho, low and behold she tells me a week later that she's in a relationship with him and within an hour of that she posting happy pics on facebook announcing their new relationship! All for my benefit I'm sure and before i've even had a chance to tell my friends and family about the split.

    Anyway I would love to go NC but its impossible because of the baby. She rings me or texts me quite often usually about the baby although after my birthday weekend the other day she wanted to know what I'd been up to all weekend, I was a bit short and sharp with her making it clear I didn't really want to talk. In fact I am always quite curt and negative when she calls or texts about anything.

    Am I going about this the right way I mean LC is all I can really manage for, well, ever but I really hate talking to her and having to be friendly especially when we meet face to face. The new guy is a bit of a loser and that's not just me being jealous he really is and I'm sure hes just a rebound guy. I'm also sure I don't want her back even though I do still love her but I feel like a sappy doormat still having to go round once a week with all the baby stuff I now have to pay everything for and having the baby once a weekend so she can go out on the razz with rebound guy.

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  6. #2355
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    This is a fantastic post, very insightful. I currently play the role of the dumpee and this post has given me the motivation to stop being the "comfy slippers". Its 5 weeks since this rebound stepped into the picture so I hope its not too late.

    Its a weird one with me, my wife is still very attracted to me and is seeing the changes already, she is very flirty and we have sex even now, we keep regular contact due to the kids and the fact I have my gym stuff in the garage at our home. Its difficult to not be around the house a lot. I will work at changing this.

    I feel I should stop all of this ASAP, at the risk of allowing this guy to get closer. The advantage I have is, they dont live near by so cant see each other often, also even though she does like this guy she says where she is in life she doesnt need a relationship (I could be digesting this more cause its what I want to hear).

    After 17 years of being together there is still huge attachment between the both of us, but she knows its more me than her. Shes at that "I love you, not in love with you" stage. I think she needs to see that I am not in need of her to function on a daily basis.

    Thank you for this advice! But let me know your thoughts.


    Originally Posted by Zorba
    I think love4life has a very good point here and I've seen it happen. I would also say I've seen more women do this to dumpees.

    OK my theory? Bear in mind this is my experience of women from the point of view of a man and I've seen far more women than men do this and far more women than men do the rebound route in my humble opinion. The other way around may be different. I've dropped in here from time to time so I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents worth(oh oh)

    If the dumpee sticks around trying to be "friends" with the dumper, the rebound person has a much easier time of it. The rebound person doesn't have to be that emotionally supportive, because someone else is taking up the slack. A someone else who knows the dumper far better. This goes back and forth until the rebound learns enough to take over from the dumpee and that's when the dumpee is pushed out(or they find someone completely new).

    Basically, if the ex is a long termer and the couple have gone past the honeymoon stage and are in the attachment stage, they are still in that attachment stage even with the split, especially if they were very close and the split wasn't an aggressive one. The dumpers are in the honeymoon stage with the rebound. The dumper gets the best of both worlds. Great deal for the rebound as well, as they get all the fun of a couple without the hassle. The dumpee get's to be a shoulder to cry on, sleepless nights and no sex. Not a good deal.

    When people say they're torn between two lovers this is generally what they mean. They can be in love with both, but at different stages in the relationship. They're making one lover out of two essentially. They get the excitement of the new with the comfort of the old. This is why the "lets be friends" stuff happens. It's also one of the reasons why affairs in otherwise strong relationships can happen. You can be in love with two. the ideal is to stay with one through the attachment, but all too often people want the easy or more exiting option. Work is old fashioned.

    You'll hear this quite plainly if you listen to the dumper. They say things like "you're my best friend/brother/sister etc" or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". That's attachment. The basic reason they're not in love with you and are with the rebound? The fact is they are more sexually attracted to the rebound. They have more desire and excitement for the rebound. Simple as that. Now I know some will be saying that the split was because of their commitment issues/mother/friends/job/party phase/stress/distance etc etc etc. Yes they are some of the causes, but if the ex was still very sexually attracted to you and desired you on a basic level, they would stick around.

    Find out the reason why you think that happened. Find out the causes and if they're in your power to fix them, then fix them as you're next relationship will probably founder for the same reasons. Most importantly do this for you.

    Don't buy this? OK look around objectively at relationships you know that have had bigger stresses on them than yours. The ones where they're always fighting, breaking up, cheating, yet still stay together. Look at the women and men you know in what you see to be bad relationships that seem to have no future and are always up and down. The men you know with dense, needy, weird, bítches and the women you know with broke bad boy hairy bikers. Why? Beyond the obvious like bullying or possessive scenarios, they still have that sexual chemistry and attraction going on. Look at the early honeymoon part of your own relationships. You will take far more crap and outside stresses at that stage than later. You don't even notice the problems then. Usually the exact same problems that will usually split you up as a couple down the line.

    I digressed... Back to the rebound/dumpee situation.

    The dumpee is like a pair of comfortable slippers, the rebound is like a pair of expensive pumps. As I say, over time with the dumpees help, the rebound becomes like a pair of expensive pumps with more comfortable heels. OK very stretched out anology but you get my drift...

    The rebound will generally fail in the long term because the dumper hasn't had enough time to get over the previous relationship. The faster the rebound happens and the faster the "I love you"'s are exchanged in the rebound, the faster the rebound fails. This is an advantage to the dumpee if they use it. They use it by letting the rebound do all the work. After all they are getting "paid" for it.

    If you're a dumpee in this case and if you want your ex back. Which let's be honest this is what most here want. Do NC or very LC. I would go against some of the advice here and say if you are on good terms with the dumper, don't do cold NC. Don't just drop off the face of the earth. Yes the dumper may panic at the sudden loss, but the rebound is there to comfort them and take over. The longer the dumpee has been taking up the slack of the rebound, the more likely NC will have little effect. At least little effect in the way most here are truly looking for. It'll look like you're punishing them. It can also look petulant and childish. In this case the only way they'll come back is if the rebound dumps them or hurts them.

    When you go NC, tell them and tell them in a nice way. Tell them that you both need to move on(that's the big point to make), wish them your love and all the best in their new relationship and actually move on. If they ask, "is this forever" or "do you think we can be friends in the future", point out you don't think that's such a good idea but you never know what the future may bring. Leave it at that. If they call and they will, sooner or later, keep the conversation short and sweet. Do not bring up the old relationship and if they bring up the new one, wish them luck. Mean it. If you don't want the best for her/him, you din't love them in the first place. You're just in selfish panic mode.

    Do all the usual. Get fit, make yourself better, date others, get out, etc and actually move on.

    If they do come back into your life down the line(and they will if you do this and there was a good connection in the past), then the new more attractive, more self sufficient you that doesn't need anyone, but may want to share your life with someone, will really get their minds and more importantly their hearts thinking. It'll also get their sexual side thinking too and that's what really split you up in the first place. The lack of neediness, added strength is a BIG plus point if you're a man. If a woman felt they left you as a boy and then she finds you as a man six months later, then you are in with more than a chance with her(and every other woman). This will also increase your mystery to her as it should come as a bit of a surprise to her. All good. Especially for you as a person. Men are more visual creatures in general, so if they see the ex and she's lost weight and looks sexier and more confident, he will think twice. Women are both visual and emotional, so even if you show up like Brad Pitt and are still the needy, weak, non committal boy they left, the most you can hope for is "ex sex".

    Yes it's true that you can't make anyone fall in love with you, but you can increase the chances that they will. These chances are far higher in one way with an ex as they've already fallen in love with you before. Time apart and you acting like an adult, not being needy, getting physically fitter and more attractive will attract them or any other person far quicker.

    It often boils down to this. Humans are attracted to what they can't have. They are really attracted to what they thought they had but now don't. That's one of the big reasons dumpees go into a panic when the split first happens. That's why dumpees forget about the dumpers bad points and concentrate on the good. If you want them back reverse that. Basic human nature.

    I've seen this work time and time again(with men who have been dumped). Before anyone says this is playing games. It isn't. In any case we all play games and hide our true intent when we want to get someone new. We all have tactics for that. Put it this way, on your first date do you belch, scratch yourself, show up in old smelly clothes, with your hair in a mess or with no makeup? No you don't. You "play the game" of attraction. Same deal here, with the advantage that during this NC if you do it right, you're making yourself a better person for whomever you end up with.

    Use this split to your advantage. The ball is in your court. Use the pain to make you the best you that you can be. If you don't you'll be going through this again and again and you'll have no one but yourself to blame.

    It was a bit rambling, but I hope I got the bones of my weirdo theory accross.
    Awaits the flames.......

    PS In your time apart look at the ex. I mean really look at them. Did they make your life better or did you just think they did? Also look at your exes new relationship. Is the new person bad for them or are they better for them than you were? Only you know the answers to these questions and you don't need a psychologist/counselor/shrink to tell you either as if you're honest with yourself you know the truth.

  7. #2356
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    This thread deserves to be on the top of the menu. Especially Zorba's post are very insightful. You must work on you, to increase the chances of reconciliation. No matter what happens in the end, you are way better then when started. Go and read his posts (Zorba), they are on first pages.

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