Again with the "Jealousy"

This weekend we went to an Italian festival...my husband and I stopped at a booth to buy some pasta. A very cute, blonde female, ah, about 20 started immediately making eye contact with him.(My husband is 43, and very handsome.) I am sure he noticed..whatever..

I was standing RIGHT THERE holding his hand, and she started in with the running her hands through her hair and even strectching and smoothing her hands over her own backside. (I think she even cupped her own buns...really !!) I decided before I spit at her or something, to walk away while he waited to be served. A few minutes later...she is still putting on her little show...(of course he is watching...he is a guy after all)

I was so upset I wanted to kick her butt....and of course I felt terrible...she is 20, I am 41...and my husband is being given a real cute show, and I felt old, ugly and like I was invisible. What should I have done? Grab him and give him a hot kiss? Protectively put my arm around him and really show how insecure I am? Is this the price you pay for having a very attractive SO? Any ideas about what I should do before I regress into hair-pulling?

I think you should have grabbed him and gave him a HOT kiss. WOOOOOHOOOO!

 

Do it next time lady!

If you trust him it shouldn't matter. my boyfriend would not have watched her do this as it would have been a turn off to him to see some woman behaving this way and because he wouldn't want to be disrespectful to me. I don't think what your husband did was that bad. What I would do next time is remind yourself that you trust him, and perhaps make eye contact with the woman to remind her that he is taken.

I bet you she was unconscious she was even doing it, if that makes it any better. Seriously. I HIGHLY doubt she was trying to start something with you. Some people flirt naturally and subconsciously... I know, because I am told by my guy friends that I do.

I bet you she was unconscious she was even doing it, if that makes it any better. Seriously. I HIGHLY doubt she was trying to start something with you. Some people flirt naturally and subconsciously... I know, because I am told by my guy friends that I do.

 

You weren't selling pasta at the Italian festival yesterday were you?

I know it's hard not to want to punch that girl in her face, but it may just be in her nature to act like that, whether it's in front of your husband, or someone else's and, unfortunately, it's something we can't control (without getting arrested... or a restraining order put on us ). So the only thing we can do sometimes is accept what's going on, while it's going on, so we can get used to it.

 

Yesterday, I went to my brother's birthday party, and he's in the entertainment industry, so there were gorgeous girls in little bikinis EVERYWHERE. At one point we ended up in a small room with my brother a few other guys and this one girl (who had the smallest bikini imaginable, a D-cup and a cute little bootie) and she was making pouty flirty faces with all the guys. At one point she looked right at my boyfriend with that face and I just had to tell myself a couple things: 1. I don't own him 2. He's going to look anyway so why not just let him get it out of his system without getting nagged and resenting him later. 3. There's nothing I can do make that girl NOT look his way.

 

By the time I had finished with all those pragmatic thoughts, I looked up and he was looking at the poster on the wall. Had I gotten worked up over the situation, it would've started an unecessary fight.

 

If you say anything to your husband, I think he'll feel like you're trying to control him because he didn't do anything wrong. He was buying pasta, and the girl was being flirty ... I guess he could avoid eating the pasta, but how many other things would you start "avoiding" just because a pretty flirty girl is involved.

 

If I were you, I would just start talking to yourself (not out loud ofcourse) and reassuring yourself when you're husband isn't able to. Soon you'll build security in yourself and you'll feel like a stronger woman when situations like those arrive. It worked for me, and trust me, I was probably the most insanely jealous person. If a girl even looked my ex's way I'd assume that he had winked at her or something ridiculous like that. It takes time, but it will work if you care about the other person enough.

You weren't selling pasta at the Italian festival yesterday were you?

 

Hehe! Nah... But seriously, is it possible that maybe she didn't even realize she was doing it? Or was it like stripper/pornstar style?

 

I mean, there's a big difference between running fingers through hair (as long as it wasn't HIS hair haha) and delicately touching your neck, waist, whatever... And acting like you want to appear in the next raunchy release at the X-rated video store.

 

So which was it? And be objective.

frnlyfrei,

 

I really do not know what to tell you with the jealousy. If he seems to enjoy it and use it, then I would really suggest that you not show it. It's not a good emotion to show.

 

Maybe you need to create a little obsession in him for you.

Oh my goodness.

 

Well, you take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is a 20 yr old trying out her new 'moves' and trying to learn about human sexing it up. lol.

 

Take a good hard look at her. Was she really a threat? Probably not.

Rubbing her rump and playing with her hair at a pasta stand? That sounds like a funny comedy sketch.

 

So, yeah, you trust your hubby and whatever you do...don't let her get to you.

 

Some people sniff out 'weakness' and use it to prop up their own lagging sense of confidence.

 

Remember yourself at 20? I don't know about you, but I thought I was IT, and that literally every man couldn't wait to come home with me. Big puffed up head and generally clueless.

 

So I'd start with that. Being able to stand there without the urge to pull out her hair...and you will know what to do...and whether it is her or your hubby's reactions that are bothering you, too.

There are some great responses here.

 

I think that the girl probably just is like this and would do it with many guys. It is true that you can't control what other women do, to include this girl, and if he is going to look you can't control that either. It seems this is more a matter of an issue with your husband than this young female since I think I have heard several times from you that he has a wandering eye (i think that was you, please forgive me if i got it wrong). There will ALWAYS be someone younger and prettier than us out there when we go places with our SO, no matter how great we look. If you don't trust your husband not to obsess over looking than this is the real issue.

 

And are you absolutely certain that perhaps this girl wasn't doing this on purpose and it was your own mind believing that she was? I am not saying that happened but often when we are jealous over something we create things in our minds much more serious than reality. Do you think there was a chance that she was just a priss pot and like this most of the time, regardless of if she thought the guy looked good or not?

 

I just would be careful about letting him in on these insecurities to a large degree because it always has a way of creating self fulfilling prophecies and backfiring on us.

Was she selling the pasta? Often when you are a server/waitress, you take on this kind of flirty personality just be exposure and need for survival!

 

Sometimes it is also just in one's nature.

 

I am not so sure it meant she wanted to run away with your hubby is all!

 

I think you would of been better served to STAY with him, holding his hand (rather than going off) and making a little silly teasing comment after that "she was a flirt; little does she know I can outflirt her anyday/or I remember when I was young and silly like that" or something. Though given this is a source of conflicts with you, I think it would not be wise to make those comments. That is more if you have that trust and understanding that things like that happen and it does not mean your partner was in wrong...he may take it as critical. Still, should of stuck by him rather than gone off to sulk, in my opinion.

how do you know she was flirting with him? I have long hair, and am frequently playing with my hair, I also kind of smooth out my clothing at times. And I make eye contact with everyone. Maybe she is the same? Or maybe it is totally unconscious for her to project "flirting behaviors" at a huge festival with many people. It doesn't sound like she was overtly flirting with him, like she didn't walk up to him and hand him her phone number and she didn't go up to him and start grabbing his muscles or anything. Not so many people are brazen enough to flirt with a person in front of their partners.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. I think you'd be making a mountain out of a molehill if you were to confront him or her. If you feel like despite the fact he married you, he might not be faithful, well, then there's a problem.

Actually, at 20 I had even less self-confidence than I do now.

 

Yeah, she WAS putting on a show for him. Perhaps she locked eyes with him when he was checking her out, and she liked it. I dunno...perhaps people can't help it and it is just animal instinct. Maybe I should flirt myself with random-good looking men. I am just not very good at flirting. Is there a class I could take?

Actually, at 20 I had even less self-confidence than I do now.

 

Yeah, she WAS putting on a show for him. Perhaps she locked eyes with him when he was checking her out, and she liked it. I dunno...perhaps people can't help it and it is just animal instinct. Maybe I should flirt myself with random-good looking men. I am just not very good at flirting. Is there a class I could take?

 

Don't do anything you are not comfortable with. If men are lame enough to fall for the twirling hair and acting seductive, bimbos, that is a reflection of them, not you. You should feel proud of who you are and not feel the need to compete with some 20 year old or any other woman for that matter. If you are not enough for your husband, then it is his problem and his misfortune. If he is a flirt, the best thing would be to not show him your jealousy...that will just egg him on. And don't flirt with other men just to get even with him. You wouldn't feel happy about yourself if you did. Only insecure people feel the need to have admirers. I don't buy the excuse that maybe what she was doing was unconscious on her part. I have seen plenty of women (and men) who lay it on thick just to get admirers. They know exactly what they are doing.

Handsome 40-something-guy goes to Festival with 40-something-wife.

 

Attractive 20-something-girl selling pasta flirts with him.

 

Handsome 40-something-guy immediately dumps wife and leaves the Festival with the attractive-20-something girl and heads for the nearest mote ...

 

... no ... wait ... that's not right.

 

Try again ...

 

... handsome-40-something guy leaves Festival with 40-something-wife whom he finds infinitely more attractive than attractive-20-something girl even though he may have been momentarily flattered.

 

... handsome-40-something guy leaves Festival with 40-something-wife whom he finds infinitely more attractive than attractive-20-something girl even though he may have been momentarily flattered.

 

Yeah.

 

That's what would be good to focus on instead of honing flirting techniques with men you don't care about anyways. Trying to make someone jealous rarely turns out well...been there.

 

Time to start basking and remembering all the beauty of you. I happen to find women in their 40's intimidating sometimes...because they often has such a better grasp of who they are, their bodies, life....some of the sexiest people ever.

 

Somehow, some way, it'd be good for you to reconnect with all that you love about yourself and what makes you a great catch. That will help, always does, somehow this trite stuff has truth in it.

Actually, at 20 I had even less self-confidence than I do now.

 

Yeah, she WAS putting on a show for him. Perhaps she locked eyes with him when he was checking her out, and she liked it. I dunno...perhaps people can't help it and it is just animal instinct. Maybe I should flirt myself with random-good looking men. I am just not very good at flirting. Is there a class I could take?

 

I honestly don't see how the 20 year old was in the wrong here. Twenty year olds are not always mature, and heck typically not at all.

 

I would realize my issue here was with my 41 year old husband checking a young girl out to the point that the girl could Tell THAT is what was going on. I would be so embarrassed and humilated and furious with HIM not her. If i have to worry about this sort of thing then it would happen everywhere since last I checked young women are pretty plentiful on this planet.

 

Please don't sink to his level tho. If it gets that bad I'd find another husband vs sinking to the current one's tactics.

ehh its like you can seem unsecure and your all jealously "hes mine!!"

 

its like you want to show that you really dont care what shes doing, but show that hes your man.

Handsome 40-something-guy goes to Festival with 40-something-wife.

 

Attractive 20-something-girl selling pasta flirts with him.

 

Handsome 40-something-guy immediately dumps wife and leaves the Festival with the attractive-20-something girl and heads for the nearest mote ...

 

... no ... wait ... that's not right.

 

Try again ...

 

... handsome-40-something guy leaves Festival with 40-something-beautiful wife whom he finds infinitely more attractive than attractive-20-something girl even though he may have been momentarily flattered.

 

I agree with DN's statment except I wanted to add one thing in bold above!

ehh its like you can seem unsecure and your all jealously "hes mine!!"

 

its like you want to show that you really dont care what shes doing, but show that hes your man.

 

Okay, how do I do that? Walk up, raise his hand with the wedding band on it and point and yell "SEE?!?!?!"

 

My first instinct is to walk away and let whatever happens happen....but then I think about it and become angry. I would really like to forgo giving a crap about it. I need to know how to do that.

I honestly don't see how the 20 year old was in the wrong here. Twenty year olds are not always mature, and heck typically not at all.

 

I would realize my issue here was with my 41 year old husband checking a young girl out to the point that the girl could Tell THAT is what was going on. I would be so embarrassed and humilated and furious with HIM not her. If i have to worry about this sort of thing then it would happen everywhere since last I checked young women are pretty plentiful on this planet.

 

Please don't sink to his level tho. If it gets that bad I'd find another husband vs sinking to the current one's tactics.

There was nothing in the original post to warrant this sort of attack on the husband. All she said was "I am sure he noticed" and "of course he was watching" which is a very different thing from checking her out, ogling her, encouraging her or even reacting to her.

 

Was he supposed to ask to buy the pasta from someone who would not flirt with him? Let's not assign blame where it does not belong and cause even more trouble.

It would be ncie to forego giving a crap, but I doubt you really do. You want to want him, and this is a part of that. What you want to feel is a bit more secure in his wanting you.

 

OK, the others have a point, he left with you. As much as I know the younger women and him looking at them bothers you, from this and prior posts, I also see he is with YOU. So, try to take some cecurity in that.

 

The only other way I see for you to try is to create some more obessession in him, and that is done by giving him something unpredictably. It works kind of like gambling, all tension and release. IN gambling, you feel all this tension waiting for the outcome of a bet. the tension is ther and the outcome unrpedictable. So, there is tension and one of two different releases at the end, either disppointment of elation. Spend a night at the craps table and watch people go through a series of emotional highs and lows. The highs can become addictive.

 

If you can create that in him, you might feel less jealous.

 

But my next question is that if you do this, can you deal with a man, this man, becoming very attentive? Would that be attractive to you? Also, does the jealous thing work for him? Is this pattern the two of you have soemthing that keeps you together?

Hey hun! Oh, you sound just like me, but sounds like you have more self control then I do...I think the spitting was a good idea

 

But I agree, she may not have realized she was even doing it. Some women are just that way.

 

About six months ago my boyfriend and I were sitting at a bar. The female bartender-with big boobs was checking him out, touching herself when she talked to him, etc. So, I slid my hand over his thigh and gently touched his "member" and softly whispered in his ear that I'd be right back. He almost lost it, and his attention was completely focused on me.

There was nothing in the original post to warrant this sort of attack on the husband. All she said was "I am sure he noticed" and "of course he was watching" which is a very different thing from checking her out, ogling her, encouraging her or even reacting to her.

 

Was he supposed to ask to buy the pasta from someone who would not flirt with him? Let's not assign blame where it does not belong and cause even more trouble.

 

She has created threads about her husband and his wandering eye and other assorted issues so my post was based on that as well. We get to know people here based on threads and it is human inclination to respond to a person based on what we know about them, not just on one thread.

 

She stated here that yes she could tell he was noticing this girl.

 

That would be enough for me to be furious with my husband. I am only giving my take on HOW I would react to this.

 

Isn't that what we are supposed to do here, give advice on how we might handle it and the OP decides which responses they want to choose from that makes the most sense in their situation?

 

This was not intended as an "attack" on her husband. It was me saying how I would feel in the SAME SITUATION AS DESCRIBED. My whole point being that in these cases you can't really blame the girl, as the girl is not married to us or in love with us.

I tend to agree with Jadedstar because of the circumstances.