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Thread: separated - help, need to write a love letter

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Sep 2007

    Unhappy separated - help, need to write a love letter

    We are separated. Husband feels the relatonship problems were all mine and part of it is expressing my emotions. Husband wants me to start writing love letters to prove I can express my emotions. I've tries to write to him how I feel and be expressive, but he doesn't like what I wrote. How do you write a love letter. What do I say to express my emotons. I don't know how to get through to him.

  2. #2
    Xetra Dax

    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Love should be unconditional, one shouldn't layer it with all kinds of conditions , and to think a love letter would salvage your marriage is proposterous, however there may be a core of truth in it that you are unable to express your emotions, quite frankly what you wrote here is also disclosed, you will need to tell us everything, and what has happened between you and your husband that send your marriage off the cliffs , you yourself and us here need a far deeper understanding of what has been going on, what dissatisfactions there were from your side and his side, and why you have been unable to express your emotions(maby youth trauma?) if necessary i know ways to get thru to your husband, but yous better start out by writing down all that has happened between the two of you in order for us to make a better assesment so we can repair the damage. Open yourself up and tell us the story.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Timebandit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Try to reflect on how he makes you feel about yourself. If he makes you feel good about yourself, there is basis for a loveletter. If not, then its time to consider breaking the relationship.

    Anyway, I think that it is strange, that he expects you to write loveletters. sounds a bit to forced, if you ask me.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    We were married for 13 years. Got married in early 20's. Moved to a different city after marriage so husband to go to school. Husband worked for ~ 1 1/2 years and then has tried to get his own business started. i have supported us financially for the past 11+ years. Finances has always been a fight, as my husband has 3 degrees and has been trying the business stuff for 11 years without helping out financially. Waited to have a child for 13 years, never bought a house, etc. because couldn't financially and husband didn't want to. Husband says he hasn't been able to get a business going because he never got the support he needed. Felt that I and others were always critical of him and it paralyzed him that he couldn't work. I and family would get frustrated with him and ask questions, but we didn't put him down. There would be suggestions like maybe at 40 years old, he should look at doing other things or get a job, and that would make him irrate. States he never got the love he needed or the sex life he needed. States I am not able to give, be close to anyone, not sexual, emotionally inept and horrible at relationships. He has always blamed me and never taken responsibility for his actions. He got emotionally abusive and verbally abusive eg. calling bad names, calling me down, saying i am a horrible wife, critical, etc. He states he never got anything out of being with me. He wanted me to be more sexual. To be more horny, more expressive during sex, talk dirty. I tried, but it wasn't good enough. I read books he gave me and offered to do the exercises, but he refused to do them. Said it made him too mad. He said I just don't have it. When together, I was more reserved with my feelings and didn't express them as much as I should of. I would get upset with him and be frustrated because it was always ongoing with him not getting it together with getting a business going to help out financially. I never did call him a special name or be really physically affectionate. I never had good role modeling at home growing up of expressing emotion or affection. I have been to counseling to work on being more expressive, affectionate, personal growth and healing. I tell him how I feel, use expression like I feel like..., tell him positive things I like about him, praise him, etc. I share what I've learned about myself and our relationship. I have forgiven myself and him for the mistakes we made in our relationship. My husband still harbors anger, negativity, hatred, distrust, towards me. He refuses to go to counseling because he feels the relationship problems are mine and not his. He feels he communicates fine and expresses his feelings well. He has not forgiven me or himself.
    What do I do to try and salvage this relationship? Is it salvageable?
    We have one small child, and I would like him to have a father. My husband has not seen us for 4 months. He won't come see his son, because then he has to see me. We've been separated 4 months and he said when we separated that he needed to have fun. That for the last 2 years when I was pregnant and we had our child, that he didn't get to go out and have fun. I restricted him from that he says. Since our child was born, he hasn't helped a lot with his care. Changed maybe 2 diapers. Says I have been over worrying about our child and there is always something wrong to think about. I think I am a normal new mother trying to do the best with our child and learning. I do over worry at times.
    I do love my husband. Would like to try again. He says that maybe if I can be expressive and maybe doing that in love letters to him, that could help. He does not write to me however and when I e-mail him, he is short with his replies.
    What do you think now?

  5. #5
    Platinum Member CatsMeeoow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    In The Middle Of It All

    run do not walk...

    this is not your fault... he has manipulated you endlessly...

    you are the core here - the mother, the bread winner.... when do you have time to be emotional with him about anyting?????

    move on - show him you do not need him... get on with your life...

    HE WILL COME RUNNING BACK TO YOU - but hopefully you will be empowered enough to tell him where to go.

    I know how much you are hurting and want to save your family - I've been there... it was a tough 3 yrs on my own with autistic child but I did and I have found happiness and other relationships...

    my ex gained tons of weight... has to be reminded to shower...

    I think 'oh god' that could still be me with him...

    You'll get there sister - hang in there AND it sounds like your family is on your side... let them help you through this process.

    Next love letter to your husband should be the name of your attorney!!!!!!


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