Gut feeling vs. Paranoia

I'm always hearing that people should really trust their gut feelings, but how can I can differentiate those feelings from insecure paranoia and major trust issues (from guys have played me in hopes of getting sex)? The person in question is obviously a great guy and my best friend...but I had a very bad feeling tonight that he wasn't telling me something potentially hurtful when he was texting me because things just seemed fishy. This happens every once in a while. Tonight I felt as if I just knew but I could be a total psycho.

What is a gut feeling exactly?

A gut feeling is exactly what you described. It's a feeling that is just deep inside you and nags at you. It can be something positive or it can also be negative.

If you have been played before then you have some experience in what leads up to that situation. So if you start detecting that things are starting to happen along those same lines you will probably get that gut feeling that something is up.

Sometimes you have to also be careful that your gut feelings aren't governed by past bad experiences. For example, if you've been burned badly by guys in the past, anytime a guy acts "differently", your gut feeling is that he's probably gonna burn you. You have to be able to differentiate between true GUT feeling and feelings of insecurity that you may have because of past experiences.

Sometimes you have to also be careful that your gut feelings aren't governed by past bad experiences. For example, if you've been burned badly by guys in the past, anytime a guy acts "differently", your gut feeling is that he's probably gonna burn you. You have to be able to differentiate between true GUT feeling and feelings of insecurity that you may have because of past experiences.

Right, but I think the OP is asking how to distinguish exactly that lol. However, I think there's honestly no 'rules' about it... it's one of those things where you have to trust yourself. and hun if you've read any of my posts, you'll know I have the same issues so I'm in no position to advise... but if you feel things are "fishy' chances are you should wait, so as not to risk being hurt... you're still young and have plenty of time, don't rush anything!

This is a good question. Often it is VERY hard to distinguish between a "gut feeling" and fear or cynicism regarding past experiences that might make us judge a person's actions as "fishy."

A great book, one that I think everyone should read (especially women, who it seems are conditioned from an early age to be too trusting and ignore "red flags") is The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker, a nationally-known security expert. The premise of this book is that, while we tend to tell ourselves that human behavior is unpredictable, and that, hence, a lot of things (such as crimes) are "unpreventable," the opposite is true; De Becker says that we often ignore very clear signals that someone is untrustworthy, perhaps because of guilt, or conditioning, or fear of alienating people, whatever.

De Becker focuses a lot on peoples' immediate, instantaneous reactions to certain situations as opposed to their "thoughts" about these situations once they've had time to process the information a bit. So, for example, if your friend said something that caused an immediate physical reaction in you -- maybe you immediately felt your heart race or a sick feeling in your stomach -- then it is probably your "intuition" telling you something is wrong. If, however, you were not worried when he first told you but then, after some time passed and you processed it more you decided he might be untrustworthy, this MIGHT be just your mind over-analyzing the situation based on past experiences with not being able to trust people.

I am hugely reliant on intution, but I tend to over-analyze as well, and I find myself having to work hard to not confuse the two at times.

A great example of intuition vs. just plain old cynicism or fear because of past experiences: One day, in the middle of the day, my doorbell rang. I rarely answer my door when I'm not expecting someone, as I live alone and there are not many people home in my apartment complex during the day. At the door was a "salesman" (so he said) with a backpack on. I had never had any solicitor come to my door (except the Jehovah's Witnesses handing out copies of the "Watchtower"), and he was TOO friendly and trying too hard to be funny. I was wary, so I kept the screen door closed between us. He claimed to be selling a cleaning product, and he pulled a spray bottle of some clear liquid out of his backpack that had NO label on it whatsoever. He went on and on about how most cleaning products smell bad, but this one didn't, and that I really needed to smell it. I thought to myself, "Just smell it to placate him and then tell him you're not interested." I was JUST about to open the screen door, when I heard a voice, MY voice, in my head say "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR." Needless to say, I said "I'm sorry, I don't have time for this right now," and I slammed the door in his face and locked it. Was he a criminal? I'll never know for sure. But, my instincts literally told me NOT to open the door, and it was only afterward that I sat down and processed the whole thing and listed off all of the things that seemed strange about the incident:

I had never had salespeople come to my door at this complex before;

He was TOO chatty, TOO jokey, talked TOO much -- even for a door-to-door salesman;

His bottles of "cleaner" were simple household-type sprayer bottles with NO labels or branding of any kind;

He was trying to get me to SMELL the "cleanser" as opposed to demonstrating how well it worked, and he knew this would require me to open my screen door.

Like I said, I'll never know if this guy was *bad* or not, but my bet is that he was. I suspect he was either going to push his way into my apartment when I opened the screen door OR spray me in the face with some chemical to knock me out or distract me so that he could rob me or do who knows what else. If he was a legit salesman and I offended him, too bad. Gavin De Becker says that women should NOT worry about being rude to suspicious strangers who approach them, and I wholeheartedly agree.

Ok, this was long, and I'm sorry, but it really was on topic! I think it's important to listen to our intuition but also to be aware of when we are perhaps over-processing something and passing judgment. In my above example, I didn't process anything until AFTERWARD, hence my point about gut-level, instinctual reactions being very immeditate and often physical.

Three cheers for the "inner voice!"

I think I once posted the same question. I didn't think I knew the difference between paranoia and my gut when it came to trusting men.

I used to be a person who had constant "trust issues," and I really thought it was all my problem, I really thought I was paranoid. But now I'm with a man who adores me and is completely devoted to me, and I don't worry at all. Well, when the occasional thought creeps in, I know it's paranoia, because I am sure of my bf's character and his love for me.

I think that if you're worrying, it's either because you sense something fishy is going on, or it's because you believe he could be the kind of person who would do something fishy. Either way, you want to be with someone whose character you can trust and believe in. Right?