5yrs 2gether.. no ring.. UGH.

Ok...what the HECK is it about us women that makes us want this ring so badly????? ive been with my bf for almost 5yrs now. we've had a rough beginning but somehow miraculously managed to pull through. i will be 27 this year and he will be 36. I have one child and he has 2 children. Our children are from separate situations... we love each other fiercly and have lived together with our children since Feb 07.. prior to us finally moving in, we've spent family vacations together, holidays etc. etc. LOTS of time...

my family is old fashioned and just cant respect him because of the fact that there is no ring on my little finger.

my bf has been married before and has had a very dysfunctional marriage which ended in a bitter divorce (mind u - this is his excuse of why he's taking his LOVELY time in moving on).................BUT we've been ring shopping SEVERAL times... he's been giddy about the talks of marriage and even pretends that im his wife in front of other people at times. for example, the carpet installer man, the alarm company, strangers at restaurants or casinos etc. etc.

i love him, he loves me, i love his kids he loves mine. im tired of going ring shopping, im tire of him bringing up marriage with no damn action. i feel like the fun and the excitement has been taken out of it.

the twisted part is that marriage is what i truly want. i want HIM as my husband, i want him to be my child's step dad and i want to spend every stupid day with him until im old and wrinkly and until im dead. he SAYS he feels the same way....but...helllooo??? actions speak louder than words!!!!!!!! he also says that the more i bring it up, the more he feels pressured to do so!!!! HELLO?? HE'S the one that keeps taking me ring shopping!!!! its like torture!

its gotten to the point that im starting to doubt his love and commitment for me and my child. im starting to wonder if he truly cares about me like i care about him. he thinks im crazy.... but if he says he pictures me with him forever...and he holds me every night.... why am i not good enough to marry?

its hurting me alot and i cant even talk about it with him anymore for the sake of ....for the sake of just not even bringing it up. he keeps saying "any day now....." fyi... he first took me ring shopping 2yrs ago. ....are u freaking kidding me? hearing the words "any day now" 2yrs ago kind of gets u impatient....

dont mind any words i mispelled... im typing this quick.. usually if he wakes up and im not sleeping next to him he gets ancy and whines for me.................

advice?

i love him.. i do... but i want more for my life..and i want the kids to see stability....

Hey there RN521,

hope youre doing well.

It seems like youre in a classical situation that a good number of women find themselves in (especially after their 20s).

My advice to you is that if you really feel that strong about it...

Simply tell him...

Take him out to a nice dinner, just you and him, leave the kids behind. Talk about how much you care for eachother... then bring up the subject of your family being very traditional... while doing this, tell him how youd love for him to be part of that family and how you want to be the step mom of his kids and vice versa.

The issue is obviously not gona get better on its own (well, not anytime soon it seems anyway). Your best bet is simply discussing it with him... if he feels pressured... then you need to make it clear that its been a topic of discussion for well over 2 years.

Hang in there, I'm confident its coming

before i put in my 2 cents i just want to have a little rant and say that marriage is an outdated ritual as the vast majority of people aren't religious, don't take it seriously, it's supporting a multi-billion dollar industry who are more interested in your wallet than your love, everyone is EXPECTED to spend thousands on their wedding day and it makes me angry to see the divorce rate being so high... i also get very impatient with women who want to be married for the sake of it - not knowing the origins of it and just going along with the crowd, just so they can be Mrs Jones or just so they can have a damn ring on their finger - marriage doesn't realisitcally give you any more security than a civil partnership - in that you can still be awareded custody/money provided there was no infidelity but that's for another thread.

*deep breath*

there's a few options for you here:

1) propose to him. you want it - ask for it?

2) tell him you want to get married. see what he says.

3) go for gold - offer an ultimatum (marry me or else... ) - but I would NEVER advocate this option.

4) be happy with the loving partner and don't aspire for marriage - you don't NEED it.

5) wait for him to do it himself and stop pressuring him - i guarantee if it's going to happen, it'll happen faster this way.

good luck, I hope you get what you want/'need'.

lol ur rant has me giggling.

but ur right... most places look at marriage as a business rather than what the foundation is - the man taking care of the woman - kidding!! i live in NYC and there is a very famous church over here, roman catholic, who will marry anyone of any denomination for a "donation" of 10K. holy moly.

and yes, ultimatley - marriage is a piece of paper...but to me, and probably to many others out there (men and women) marriage is a symbol....i love him.. and i want him because... well.. because he still says my name in his sleep and he kisses me before he goes to work and kisses me when he comes home. our physical, mental and emotional attraction surpasses any relationship ive ever been in....*sigh* but whats up with the cold feet? i dont know...

another reason why im secretly fuming over this ring.. is...well..cuz of my family... like i mentioned before... i come from a traditional family.. they weren't born in the U.S. so its difficult for them, at times, to adjust to the norms here.... having a child outside of marriage was already a blow to our family name.... now LIVING with a man who has OTHER kids.. and NOT married to him.... well... thats eating my parents up. i know im not living for my parents.... easier said than done..... but also, my bf, like i mentioned, had a horrendous marriage prior to our relationship.. but that was 6years ago... hell, all of us actually get along pretty well...and she's actually re-married. it just makes me feel not good enough....

as for ur suggestion.. here is my feedback

1) propose to him. you want it - ask for it? - ewwww... lol... i cant do that. i dont have it in me. i know its do-able but.. its like asking a straight man to wear fuschia and lime green..... it hurts their pride and they would never.

2) tell him you want to get married. see what he says. - been there, done this.. he feels the same way. he wants to marry me also... but again.. this is a 2yr convo...

3) go for gold - offer an ultimatum (marry me or else... ) - but I would NEVER advocate this option. - ick.. i dont have it in my heart for an ultimatum..although ive day dreamed about it...but reality check....ultimatums are more like sugar coated threats... *sigh*

4) be happy with the loving partner and don't aspire for marriage - you don't NEED it. - hah!!!! thats like telling me "hey, those are fabulous boots - but dont worry, a matching purse isnt necessary!!".....to ME... i need marriage to feel fulfilled....i think its a woman thing....

5) wait for him to do it himself and stop pressuring him - i guarantee if it's going to happen, it'll happen faster this way. - ........im waiting... im waiting....and venting at the same time.....

thx though for the advice u guys...

ts gotten to the point that im starting to doubt his love and commitment for me and my child. im starting to wonder if he truly cares about me like i care about him. he thinks im crazy.... but if he says he pictures me with him forever...and he holds me every night.... why am i not good enough to marry?

I'm a little younger than you, but I can seriously relate to where you're coming from, me and my bf have been living together for 3 years and have been in a relationship for 4 yrs, and at one point I felt the same way as you. We would glance at rings, I'd ask him what kind of wedding he wanted--didn't get much of a response, and I was pretty much pressuring him WAY TOO MUCH. I pressured him, which probably threw him off, because he honestly wasn't ready, and I got my feelings hurt.

We still aren't married to this day, which is ok, because we are not settled quite stable yet. I don't feel pressured to get married anymore though, so I don't pressure him about it either, in fact, he told me that he doesn't want to talk about it, but would rather surprise me with the question. He told me he didn't like the fact that I was shoving engagement down his throat, when he wasn't ready, and especially because talking about it would be way to organized. He explained that he wants to ask me in his own way, and that I have to give him time to prepare himself...

I think I was so into the idea of marriage, because I felt that marriage would make things better, which is not the case at all.

Marriage is a big step, and I figured walking into marriage with issues would be wrong.

Our relationship has actually gotten better, because I realized that we don't have to be married to be happy, we still love each other just the same..He wouldn't love me any more if we were married, because he loves me point blank...

I hope this helped you...I gave you advice out of experience, because I know that I can actually relate with you....=)

Maybe you should just ask yourself a few questions:

1- Hypothetically, if you knew he would never propose to you, would you still be happy in the relationship? Or rather, would you choose to stay without a ring?

2- How long are you willing to stay in the relationship if he hasn't proposed by then?

3- Would you be happy with some other arrangement or compromise other than marriage?

You can't make him want it more or change his mind. If it's a goal for you and you need marriage, that's great. It doesn't mean he feels the same way though.

i really dont want to come accross as heartless but i'm getting a few things from your posts...

1) The 'it's not me so much, it's society/others' argument you keep using to try and justify why you 'should' be married. to be blunt - who cares what anyone else thinks - even if it is your parents - tell them that nowadays living out of wedlock, having children out of wedlock, etc.... these things are no longer taboo. I feel sorry for you if they're making you feel in any way guilty for your living situation but take a step back. This isn't the 70s, the 80s, to some extent the 90s.... you can pretty much do whatever you want these days - don't let their tut-tut-tsk-tsk attitude affect you.

2) your whole 'marriage will give me more stability and prove his commitment to me and my kid' line... oooooh so now you're saying that your child is coming into the equation? what's the problem with the relationship they have now? your kid calls him dad i bet, his call you mom i'd imagine. chill out i'm sure your children (unless they're under 7 and dont understand the world yet and ask questions like 'why arent you and daddy married yet' - so cute but annoying) - i'm pretty sure they couldn't care either way - as long as you are happy. And you are happy. Aren't you? Civil artnerships with people living together in a relationship are subject to the same laws as married couples - but i believe you get better tax deals staying as two single parents with dependent children. I'm no tax/benefits whiz but i'm thinking that's a good thing. Civil partnerships still enable you to get half the assets in case of seperation, etc... so there's no financial security. If you're talking about emotional security how can a piece of paper and a ring give you any more security? SO WHAT he just married you - you think its any less easy for him to potentially leave you? heck no - it's a piece of paper and can be torn up with a little thing called divorce. marriage doesn't give you any security.

3) the whole 'its a symbol of our love' thing is bullcrap - it's something that's been drilled into you via religion (which studies show 96% of the population worldwide are not devout), society (which as explained above - if you want to do something these days people generally dont and legally cant discriminate against you), family (who cares what they think, it's your relationship behind closed doors and they should have no input if it doesnt directly affect them) and the marriage industry (who want to grab onto that well earnt money that could be better used on a cruise (or three), or a house deposit, college for one of your kids, etc...). you know you love each other. he tells you, you tell him. SURELY that is enough?

4) the whole 'if he doesnt put a ring on my finger' thought process.... WHAT NEXT? you've said you've been waiting for 3 years? big whoop? are you going to wait another 3 years? would you be willing to wait indefinitely? etc etc... if he thinks it's acceptable to leave you in limbo then I think that's where you'll stay. You've told him and he doesnt seem to care or take any action.... does that tell you soemthing about him - maybe he doesn't want to get married again and he's taking the cowards way out of trying to appease you as long as he can?

5) the distain you have for his excuse of 'his bad marriage' which you know went very wrong - tell you what... If the first time i dove into a swimming pool I hit my head on the bottom I'd probably not want to go diving any time soon. Maybe he needs time to heal. Only he'll know when he's ready to jump back in. If there's a LOVED ONE (who should stand by him and support him) urging him to jump every other week.... yeah he's not going to jump lest he fail/hurt himself/ etc.... again.

In short - no woman needs to get married.

It gets me VERY angry when I see this kind of post.

(sorry in advance if i was too harsh, this is just a very sore spot for me personally)

Finally my ring at the 8 year mark. Around your age. Same issue brought be to the board over a year ago.

If you think he is going to do it, then I think you have to lay off of the issue for a while. Every time you bring it up, he probably thinks he has to reset the waiting period, so he can do this on his own, without pressure from you.

If he brings marriage up, or ring shopping, tell him you don't want to talk about it unless he is about to propose. Tell him you can't take the teasing!

I let him know that I could wait, but not forever, and then let the issue go. I had a personal deadline for myself, but never let him know about it, since I felt doing so would equate to an ultimatum. It wasn't long before he was surprising me on one knee. Good luck!

If he brings marriage up, or ring shopping, tell him you don't want to talk about it unless he is about to propose. Tell him you can't take the teasing!

Thats exactly what im doing.. i asked him to stop bringing it up. Like when we go out and we pass a diamond store, and he starts to nudge me and smile - i belly punch him. - no, just kidding. but i just tell him that if thats something he's planning, then id rather be surprised...

im convinced that this is a "woman thing". if men dont think its such a "big deal" then why NOT do it? ....cuz society has THEM conditioned that a ring equates a ball and chain. i dunno. but i AM happy. and im going to go along happy in my dandy relationship....until... i dunno.. im unhappy? lol

I wouldn't waste time analyzing what society thinks, whether men are conditioned, what your family thinks, whether some consider marriage just a piece of paper. Why not just ask him when you two can go to city hall and get married particularly since your kids are being raised in an somewhat unstable situation where their mother is living with a man who she is not married to and vice versa for his kids.

Men and women get married all the time for all different reasons. I would stop focusing on the ring and ring shopping, get your blood tests and the marriage license and just do it. Have a party and buy a ring later.

Well, why should he marry you, when you are already living with him? He's getting all the benefits and perks of marriage, with none of the legal responsibilities.

He's got a good thing going, and he knows it!

Too bad you didn't insist on the ring, before blending your families.

Now, there are children involved.

Well, why should he marry you, when you are already living with him? He's getting all the benefits and perks of marriage, with none of the legal responsibilities.

He's got a good thing going, and he knows it!

Too bad you didn't insist on the ring, before blending your families.

Now, there are children involved.

yep, why buy the cow when the milks free

5 yrs?? 8 yrs???... wow you ladies are better than I.

I'd never wait that long. Most men I've spoken to say either you know you wanna be with that person, or you don't.

5 yrs?? 8 yrs???... wow you ladies are better than I.

 

I'd never wait that long. Most men I've spoken to say either you know you wanna be with that person, or you don't.

I don't think it is that simple - they can know they want to be with the person, but not be ready for marriage; or not want marriage. Not everyone believes in marriage; yet they can still believe in a lifelong commitment with someone.

They can know they want to be with the person, but still be a bit scared. Most men fear divorce more than they do marriage; and the truth is that while it is getting better, men often get the short end when it comes to custody or alimony. Not always, but generally more often. Women are also generally the ones that initiate divorce - not to say men in the relationships are innocent in the end of the relationship, but often (75% of the time apparently) it is women whom actually initiate the proceedings.

Often I think these are probably men whom expressed to these women early on they DID want to marry them; however somewhere along the way fears, insecurities, doubts, or whom knows what else came up that took the shine off that.

I would rather wait 5 years for marriage and know we were both actually READY for the realities of marriage based on a true knowledge of one another combined with emotional maturity, than rush into it within a year with someone whom was basing the decision on hormones and lust without much consideration of what marriage really entails or means.

Lots of people tend to get married in the "honeymoon stage"; hoping to "hold onto that" and find that regardless of marriage or not, relationships are work and people are human. And sometimes finding they are not as compatible as they thought....

I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting; as long as you are honest that you aren't ready because you aren't ready. If you truly cannot see ever being married to that person, then you need to be honest and they need to decide if that is something they can live with. If you truly don't want to BE with that person at all, then you have the responsibility to end the relationship and free them to be with someone else whom does want to be. But not wanting to be married, or not wanting marriage, does not automatically mean they do not want to be with you.