9 months pregnant and husband doesn't love me

Hi everyone, I am new here. I am 28 years old and have a 20 month old little baby girl. I am also 9 months pregnant with our baby boy. My husband has recently been saying that he is not in love with me, and now that he doesn't love me at all. We have had a very turbulent relationship (almost 8 years and 4 married) -- he is up and down, and he says it's b/c of me, how could he love me, I am always so angry, but how can I not be, if he is always saying he doesn't love me, or wants to leave me. It's like he gives me false hope b/c he says all these things, then everything will be "normal" for a couple days/week and then it happens again. I want to be together b/c of our little babies, who I adore, and I want to be happy. I am faithful and love him, I know I am crabby, but that is b/c I feel like I have to protect myself. He's said so much stuff. He says I am not a good woman, my family doesn't even love me, that I try to control him. He is a good person, I don't understand why I am always last on his list... he doesn't go out or cheat -- he is faithful and a good father/man other than this. What should I do? how can I make him love me and not sacrifice all my dignity knowing what I know about his feelings?

you can't make anyone love you. All you can do is love yourself.

Right now, you're in a very vulnerable position and need to focus on yourself and your baby.

It sounds to me like he may be overwhelmed with life, kids, baby on the way

Maybe suggest to him to attend some marriage counseling.

Have you guys tried counselling? I think it is something you should consider because you seem to have a communication breakdown, a chicken and the egg thing going on.

Given what is at stake I think it would be wise of you to invest in some professional help to see if you can get these issues worked out.

Hi there,

I agree that you should definitely suggest marriage counseling to him. It sounds like he is going through a tough time and is very stressed out, but this is not fair to you. You deserve to be loved by your husband, and he should be trying to work on the relationship.

I agree you guys need some help. But I also think he needs some help on his own. He's an emotional abuser. You realize this, right?

So everything would be all nice and sweet if you were just pleasant and agreeable? I don't believe that for a minute. He sounds manipulative and selfish and he is breaking down your self esteem.

Your husband wants to put all the problems on your shoulders, that is not how problems are resolved. He is not taking any responsibility for the break down of your relationship.You have a right to feel what you are feeling after what he tells you.

Marriage counseling is an option, but I wonder if someone telling him that you are partly to blame would help since he already thinks ALL of this is your fault.

I'm sorry you are going through this at this time in your pregnancy. You should be resting and looking forward to your new baby not having anxiety over your marriage.

I agree with the person that said he is an emotional abuser and I would worry that he could get physical. I hope you get the courage to get some help. You and your babies deserve to live in a peaceful home.

wow...you do not deserve this crap now...stay strong for your baby and your other child...and surround yourself with strong supportive friends and famliy...here are my thoughts/experiences:

sounds like what i went thru for years too...i can totally relate...my husband did finally have an strong emotional affair with someone at work...most will eventually look elsewhere to get unfulfilled needs met.

he is blaming/abusing you b/c it justifies his way of thinking/feeling. he is not happy within himself...after my husband and i separated (after i found out about everything) he hit therapy seriously and takes responsibiltiy for what he did and his feelings/actions and i feel he truly wants to change...but he just can't...it has been 2 years of him trying to do the right things to stay positive and plugged in and totally put the OW behind him but she always creeps back into his mind when we hit bumps...plus he has issues with honesty....SO i really think that most people can't always change even when they say they want to...our basic core soul/beliefs/patterns are so engrained as adults...

with all that...i wish you peace...i do think couseling would be a good start but we have done all that too and we are still back in the same boat (confusion about the marriage)...but i must say that the criticism and communication is better even though i don't think our marriage will make it...but that will help us be friends and co-parent our 2 great kiddos! good luck and take care of you and your kids.

I agree with hellfrost. You are in a very vulnerable situation right now and your husband should be supporting you.

Emotional abusers ALWAYS blame people around them for their problems. They are chronic responsiblity-evaders. The people who live with them are worn down over time until they end up believing what they are told about themselves and their self-esteem is smashed.

I think your husband needs counselling to get him to face up to his problems, instead of offloading them on you. And I think, as other posters have suggested, you need marriage counselling.

Don't believe what he is telling you about yourself. Try to separate his interpretation of reality from what you know to be true about you and your relationship. And look after yourself at this vulnerable time for you and your family.

thank you so much for your replies. I will definitely try to suggest counseling, I know he will be resistant. He doesn't want to hear his part in this. He has worked so hard all these years(whether he knows it or not) to get me to believe that I am a psycho, controlling, b-word. I know I am not the person that I am in this relationship, that he makes me be so sad which comes out as anger or "crabiness" towards him. He says all this stuff, then all of a sudden is in a good mood, and I am just supposed to bounce back. I can't. and then it's me who looks bad. and he has made me look bad to everyone around me. Everyone just thinks I am so hard to live with, "poor, Tom" but they don't know. NO one knows. So I can't even talk to anyone b/c he has them all believing he is Mr. Happygolucky. I just love my baby girl, and pray for my unborn baby boy, that he can be healthy despite all the stress I've gone thru this past couple months. I just focus on them and try to not fight or cry in front of them. thanks so much everyone. I just need to hear I am not crazy. I have been told by my father (who loves me) but is messed up himself, all my life, that I need to be a better person, that I need to change. So now it's my husband telling me. I have a hard time not believing them. It contributes to my depression/anger. I believe God gave me my 2 babies, both unplanned, to get me through this.

Honey, if it's what you grew up with, it is no surprise that it is a major feature of your marriage. We tend to go for what we recognize. I was in a similar situation (sans babies). A really good book to read is Robin Norwood's 'Women Who Love Too Much'. It hits close to the bone, so it can be a difficult read at times, but it makes you realize a thing or two about relationship patterns. Please do read it if you can.

I think your priority right now should be focusing on your health and preparing for the birth. I hope you can try to tune out some of the criticisms and I hope your hubby will at least be there for you at this time.

Remember, these are two men in your life. Why should what they say about you have such weight?

Big hugs.

The way you describe your husband is the way my dad is. He was always the good guy, mr party time and people thought my mom was a total witch--because he told people she was difficult and bitter. So she got the bad rep and he looked like a victim.

My parents finally divorced last week, a day after their 40th anniversary. I think my mom thought he would eventually change but he didn't.

Now my dad is calling us all up to talk bad about my mom to us!! He will still not accept any blame in the break down of the marriage. He is 63.

I honestly wish you all the best with therapy or whatever you decide to do. You really just need to look out for yourself here hun and for your babies. You deserve better.

thanks everyone, for the help. I seriously hate him so much right now. It is midnite and we just finished another huge fight where he repeatedly told me how he is not in love with me, he hates the person I am, and if we stay together that he will never be in love with me as I am. I usually just cry, but instead I am angry. I hate that he is ruining my life and my children's lives. All he has to do is love me. I think I will not allow him in the delivery room. I will have to do it alone b/c I really have no one else. I told him how I have no stability, no place to fall. He just said I don't give a f-word. He thinks that I am crazy, that he is a great husband. I am not kidding he truly believes this. He has made me believe I am a crazy, horrible person. He called me a loser in front of my baby girl. I hate him. But why can't I leave him. seriously, I can't.

he is totally out of line...you deserve so much better! i think you can't leave him now b/c you are about to give birth and you are trying to put your kids first and not your needs (plus he may be providing financial security?)...but if he is doing these awful things in front of them, they will be scarred. in time, you will find the courage to leave if this continues. you should get into individual counseling as soon as that baby is born...a good counselor will be there to support you and guide you thru your emotions and life decisions...you deserve a support system! and i think it is a great idea to be alone during delivery if his presense will cause you stress and anxiety! you deserve to be happy! happy mom = happy kids!

YOu are right. I am going to seek counseling right away. I hope somehow we can work it out, but if not, I definitely need someone to help me.

i'm glad you have made a plan to get some support! we all deserve support when life gets tough!...hang in there!

I grew up with verbally abusive parents and was married to an emotional abuser for 26 years before I decided I had had enough. When you are in the midst of things it is hard to see how it really is. Life is too short for you and your children to live that way. When you get out the feeling of having a whole new life ahead of you is more wonderful than I can describe here. Go to counseling if you want but it is time to start making plans for your own life so you can be better prepared to handle what may come.

Finish or brush up on your education and job skills. If there are things you don't like about yourself try and work on and improve them, This will help your self esteem which has taken a beating. Save all the extra cash you can in a secret savings account in your name only. Start taking all the small steps you need to prepare for the worst. Start thinking about where you could go live and where you could work. This will help you take control of your life and your future. Husbands that pull this crap may walk at any time.

You may get a divorce next month or maybe never but you can start thinking about all your options. I'm sure he has you believing you are too dum and weak to do anything on your own. Try and tune his words out even though its really hard. Try to get out and find some supportive new friends who like you just for who you are.

Hard things may be ahead for you and I wish you all the best with whatever it is you want to make your life better for yourself. You deserve to be happy in this life.