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why did everyone take my clothes off?


dragon111

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Recently something brought back a memory that I had buried and now I can’t get rid of it. I've never told anybody and will never tell anybody, so I thought I would write. When I was about five, two boys who to me seemed to be about eight or nine locked me in toilets, they pulled down my trousers and underwear and wouldn't let me pull them back up and humiliated me by hitting me. They restrained me and took off all my clothes and touched my privates, they kept me in there for what seemed like an age. They dared each other to do things to me, and told me to do things, strange things, I didn't do anything they wanted and the only dare they followed through with was kissing me, besides touching me. The only reason I got out when I did is because I started to dress without them telling me to. They watched me dress which made it even more shameful. I never said a single word to them, not even no, I never resisted intensely (besides initially trying to pull my trousers back up), and I even shut my eyes when they undressed me. When they were touching me I just kept looking forward as if I was somewhere else. They threatened me not to tell anyone and slapped me and made me squeeze through the barely opened toilet room door to escape. Before the event started I had a non-sexual erection, I think this is why they went as far as they did. I do not know why I did not speak, I suppose I never spoke much anyway, I was frightened and I didn't understand what they were doing or what amusement they could get out of it, or why they were taking my clothes off, or why they kept me for so long. My main paranoia afterwards was whether I had put my clothes on inside out; I didn't want anyone to know. I want to know why they did it, the way they touched me was sexual, but they were young, were they just simply cruel people, can you be cruel at that age? was it my fault, did I act like the object that they wanted, is it because I was very small and non-responsive, an easy target, I feel guilty for not fighting back and for some reason i'm finding it hard to place the blame on them, it's not as if they were adults, but I want to blame them, because otherwise I blame myself.

 

A girl used to touch me too, I didn't mind that as much, she used to play games, so at the time I was unsure about the seriousness of the event with these boys, although it did frighten me to the bone. I know that they were wrong, I know they hurt me and degraded me, I just need somebody to tell me that they were wrong, that it isn't my fault. I find it difficult because I was sometimes willing with the girl, so I find it difficult to blame the boys who forced me. I know that sounds strange. I think of myself as a strong character, but I have started to doubt myself again, because even this girl made me do things that I didn't want to do, she wasn't a bad girl, she was much taller than me but our ages differed less. We were friends and I saw her on a daily basis for years, she always insisted on her games daily. If I didn't want to she would make me, she would undress me too and get me to touch her, she would threaten to tell her dad if I didn't. She was more powerful than me. Her knowledge was more than mine, she even made me lie on top of her naked and she kissed my privates. She used to make me touch our private parts. Now that I am older I worry where she got her knowledge from. You may be thinking why did I keep going back to her for all those years, well she was my friend. Her dad bought her a camera once, one where the photos develop automatically, he wouldn't let her use it, I never saw it used. That makes me frightened. I try not to think too much about this because I’m afraid that I’ll remember something that I don’t want to remember.

 

Then there was more. I was about eleven when it started. Do I ask for this or something? I was sleeping and I felt this person touching me, I did not let him know that I had woken because I didn't want to make the situation any worse. It got quite bad. He would touch me most nights. Sometimes when I came home from school I would fall asleep exhausted downstairs, only to feel him touching me. Sometimes I would only take a rest, and he would abuse me. He must have known I could feel these things, but I suppose he thought it was okay. He would even undo my belt, and put my privates in his mouth whilst I rested. I couldn't open my eyes, let him know, I felt that if I recognised it I would have to ruin his life, and I didn't want to do that. He went away. He comes back, but he does not do that anymore.

 

Am I unlucky, does everyone go through these sexual experiences, why does everyone force me to do things, why does everyone keep taking my clothes off? Am I some kind of monster? I’m a strong person, I don’t lose, why did everybody treat me like a sex toy? Why can’t I get this out of my head, why does it continue to haunt me, why do I have to feel so degraded and defiled? should i be ashamed?

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I read this and I was just shocked. Wow..

I'm sorry to hear all this happened to you.

We all know this is not your fault. You were just unfortunate..

They were wrong to do this..

Maybe you should try taking some karate lessons or kick boxing?

Mind if I ask how old you are now, you said this person is back, but not doing anything, report them.

How are you feeling right now?

 

>>hugs

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dragon,

 

This is so intimate and so well written that I caught myself rereading it just to make sure it was genuine. I mean, it's not well written in a grammatical sense, but well written in the sense that the details are quite haunting in their honesty.

 

You would be very, very surprised just how common adolescent experimentation is with both sexes. It goes on waaay more then most would ever care to admit. Some people suppress and repress these feelings and never revisit them again throughout their lives. Some people remember them but choose to never admit that they happened because it just feels too troubling and like too much to take in. Others still have went through something like this, and it hasn't affected them in any profound way. It was just "something that happened".

 

You do need to know that there is nothing at all wrong with you. Zero. You're just someone that weak minded children focused on because they saw you as a mark... someone who wouldn't resist. There is no one there in your isolation to tell you what to do or to tell you what is right or wrong. That's why you froze. In your head, what is right and what is wrong? There was no guidance there for you.

 

Whatever you did or didn't do... again, it's just adolescent behavior. Please understand that you are much more normal then you can understand. People don't instantly become sexual beings. Imagine that sex for some people in their 40s can be terrifying, and I'm not talking about virgins. I'm talking about "normal" people with normal relationships who have experienced their share of "normal" sexuality. I use parenthesis because normal is a very relative term when it comes to sex.

 

So, if someone like this can become preoccupied, scared, transfixed, sad, guilty, heartbroken, destroyed, put out, suicidal, lost.... if a 40 year old can feel this way, then how can an adolescent possibly deal with these feelings? He or she can't. Again, you are just fine. Please take yourself for normal. You're ok.

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seriously rough man. you should see a therapist, i dont really know how hard it probably is for you to do somthing like it is but it would probably really help. its not your fault at all, ur just really really unlucky. sorry. you bumped into some really bad people. im not sure i would have done anything different if somthing like that happened to me at that age. i really recomend talking to a therapist or atleast someone close to you about it.

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Iwould say you are not the boy yoyr where then, his past is your past but you are not him, the past is locked in place only here and now changes, so its here and now you have to deal with the memory, ask yourself "in what light can I place this to see this as just part of the road I walked to become me?"

 

understand that and you will understand yourself here and now.

 

It could be that you hid this until now, becouse now you have the strength to face it and understand.

 

This could say more about who you are now then who that boy was then.

 

yours

Spugly

Truth, strength and honir

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You may be inadverently, thru no fault of your own, giving the message that you are a victim somehow. Or perhaps in the culture you are in you are being victimized/viewed as a potential victim because your ethnic/social/economic status is different from your peers.

 

This is where anger can be a good thing. Anger, evolutionarily speaking, was meant to empower beings in subordinate positions to get strong enough to overcome their circumstances. Get angry, get strong, fight back...

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Where were you without adult supervision at five years old that two grossly hypersexualized older boys could lock you in toilets and do all those things you describe?

 

Where were the girl's parents when these hundreds upon hundreds of incidents were happening at their house, with the two of you buck naked and lying together?

 

And where was your family when you were being repeatedly abused by the man, sometimes in your living room, when you were eleven?

 

Something doesn't make sense, and I'll be point-blank: I suspect that you may have come here to get people to relate actual stories of their own to you in misdirected sympathy. I can't be 100% sure and I'm very sorry if I'm wrong, but I would urge everyone reading this not to post any such tales of their own similar experiences in this thread.

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Where were you without adult supervision at five years old that two grossly hypersexualized older boys could lock you in toilets and do all those things you describe?

 

Where were the girl's parents when these hundreds upon hundreds of incidents were happening at their house, with the two of you buck naked and lying together?

 

And where was your family when you were being repeatedly abused by the man, sometimes in your living room, when you were eleven?

 

Something doesn't make sense, and I'll be point-blank: I suspect that you may have come here to get people to relate actual stories of their own to you in misdirected sympathy. I can't be 100% sure and I'm very sorry if I'm wrong, but I would urge everyone reading this not to post any such tales of their own similar experiences in this thread.

 

This is a pretty elaborate to be a work but i thought the same thing. I think its somebody from some non-western culture though by their use of grammar.

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It's written as it is because i took a long time writing it. I had nightmares last night about how people would reply so i suppose i shouldn't be too surprised. I tried to say how i felt, so i understand that the details remain blurry.

 

I'm not from a non-western culture, I'm from Wales, I have recently turned 19.

 

At five i was in school, it was during classtime, our junior school is almost attached to our infants school. My teacher did inquire but i said nothing.

 

The girls parents were in the house. The father often slept during the day, i suppose the mother was either in work or down stairs.

 

My house has people coming and going. It depends on what people are doing. I didn't plan this. I'm not lying. The fact that it happened downstairs shocked me more. I havent got a small family, i guess these kinds of people just get more daring. I'm not a pervert here to feed off other peoples stories. I thank those who have given me words of encouragement.

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Yes, Wales, part of the UK

 

I've re-read some of your comments and they have been very useful. I would especially like to thank 'jettison' for taking the time.

 

I thought that if I wrote on this site then, just by talking about it, it would go away, but having 'somebloke' doubt me was hard, especially when he red-listed me, that wasn't good at all. I feared that I had done the wrong thing by writing on this site and I felt physically sick most of the day. (I'll be "point-blank" with you somebloke, think before you write, because things like that in this kind of discussion can kill, I don't think you can know how it feels for someone to accuse you of such things after you have opened your heart for the first time, I really don't know what to say, read your comment back to yourself, but at least pretend to believe that you believe me, feel that rejection. I have no reason to lie, I came here for help and you tell people to ignore me because i'm some kind of weirdo, understand how that feels.Your working on my weaknesses. Are you trying to finish me off? The questions you posted sound like you are trying to make me account for these things, justify these things, it is me that is confused, this is my torture, this is why I am writing, "something doesn't make sense", if it did make sense then i would have dealt with it by now, don't you understand that that's my confusion, that is what i'm trying to say.)

 

Is somebloke called so because he must be treated as such, is somebloke an agitator to incite passion, an obstacle for us to jump over, a person to direct our rage at or learn to ignore, is this part of my lesson, or is somebloke really just quite complacent and thoughtless. I can even make iscuses for you, somebloke, that is one of my weaknesses.

 

'Entropy Smith' speaks about the use of anger, so instead of cursing 'somebloke' I now thank him, because he tore at my mind and allowed me to be angry. My heart had two choices, to withdraw into itself, as I could feel it doing, or to bounce back and take the world as my own.

 

I think I understand the confusion of my mind. I took myself back to the beginning. When I was younger, if something was wrong, I would work, I would learn, I would try to make myself better. I am now an academic. In a way, my weaknesses made me strong, they existed together. As time went on my work became my work, it was just automatic. Recently I tried to help a person, unfortunately the others used weapons. I was in hospital for a little while and had surgery, my train must have jumped tracks. My weaknesses arose again, but now they opposed my strengths instead of enforcing them. Instead of building on each other they were killing each other. I laughed when I realised this, that the very thing that is destroying me is the thing that empowered me. I can do it again now, I think I can take back my world. I believe that I am worth something, that I am not a slave, that I can still have some self-worth. I know that this still doesn't solve my mind, but at least I can look forward again.

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You write in a much more mature style than a 19 year old would use, Dragon. Also you are too young at that age to be an academic, I would have thought. No?

 

It's good to be straight with details, otherwise people tend to doubt the substantive content of posts. I think that might be what somebloke was getting at.

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An academic, as in university, a student of, not a teacher, that is how i define the word, i see the confusion.

 

I thank you for your compliment but i can assure you that i am nineteen, i am straight with details. I obviously have not given all the details in my description of the events, that would take a while longer, but understand that my first post is the first time that i have written about that. Out of the hundreds of pages of babble that i have hidden under my bed i have never written about that before, at least not directly, i felt the need to recently. I only try to write what i truthfully want to say, i don't profess to be a brilliant conveyor of words, english isn't my area of expertise, but i can assure you that my style of writing is as it is because i like to write, because in writing you don't have to lie. That is the whole point, lying would defy the purpose of this site. People say that the first step to solving anything is admitting fully and truthfully. That is why alcoholics must say it out loud. I speak truthfully in the hope that others will see, so that if they understand they can give me advice. Somebloke is of course right to be cautious, but he judges too quickly. (If my language somehow seems mature it is because you learn to write maturely to get good marks-as simple as that-and education is important).

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No, the only people who know are on this site, besides the people involved of course. I've seen a psychologist for a totally unrelated matter, I felt obligated to go really, other people were involved, i didn't think he was very good, i'm unsure what they can do, mostly he seemed to be writing down numbers?? I didn't go back to him, I said I was ok

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Dude, I said I was sorry if I was wrong, and I am. To address your original post, you did nothing to invite the abuse. You were just unfortunate to a greater extent than most. As far as what the girl did, that just sounds to my mind like typical curious naughtiness by a prematurely sexualized child on her part and not the behavior of a true deviant. As to the actions of the boys and the man, the stain is on them, and not one bit on you.

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hi Dragon -

 

You asked what can a therapist or counselor offer? I can tell you what they did for me. They can give you coping tools. They can help you face and resolve the feelings you had ( I would guess revulsion, violation and the guilt you spoke of) as a child. All these feelings are valid and none of them are your fault. You did nothing wrong.

 

I was emotionally and physically abused as a child (altho, lucky for me - not sexually). Therapy can help! But, if your gut tells you the person you are going to for help isn't helping - you are probably right. But that doesn't mean there aren't other therapists or counselors who could help you. Please try again.

 

You were brave to post. It's possible for you to heal. Good luck!

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I feel for you dragon 111 and I appreciate your courage to let us into your mind. I think it took a lot for you to have to relive that painful time, but it's for the best so you can move on. Don't let it hold you back or get in your way. If you need to talk, I'll be here.

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I agree that it can take a number of attempts to find a counsellor with whom you feel comfortable. In your case I think it is important that you continue having therapy, and that you find a therapist who specializes in rape and sexual abuse trauma. The counsellor you saw may not be good in that field, but please don't let that put you off seeking help.

 

It is evidently still haunting you, and may affect your future relationships. It takes bravery to realize this, and to face up to it and unburden yourself in front of a professional. But I would strongly urge you to do this.

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