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13 years of marriage... gone


InDisarray

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My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have two wonderful children ages 7 and 10. Two weeks ago she comes back from a visit to her family out of state and tells me she wants a divorce. She met someone online who she has feelings for and she says she's no longer in love with me. She says that she doesn't know who she is anymore and that she has sacrificed herself too much in our marriage.

 

She went away this weekend to see the guy that she's been talking to online in another state. The kids are with me. She says that she hasn't cheated on me and doesn't plan on doing anything while we are married. I don't know whether to believe this or not. My gut feeling says she has. I guess it doesn't really matter though. If she's willing to drive 500 miles to see him, does it really matter if she actually has? She also saw this guy while she was up visiting her parents. He drove up there.

 

I guess I don't know what to do. My life has been turned upside down and I don't think there is really hope for us. I am not foolish enough to believe that there can be good that can come from this. She also says that it's not about him. She says that we've just grown apart.

 

I haven't eaten very well in the last two weeks. I have lost a total of 15 pounds. Does this go away? She is coming back tonight and I guess we will go from there.

 

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. I'm sometimes not very good at putting my thoughts into words. I know this post reads very dis-jointed.

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Well look, she has already chosen to deciet the marriage. Its very ridiculous that she has been looking on-line for someone when shes already married. So I suppose that its true when you guys have gone their separate ways. My advice would be to tell her that shes chosen this guy, seen him twice, even though you have kids tell her to get out of the house. You guys should just end this before it gets anymore complicated and before you kids start to get invovled in this mix. Try to get custody of them. Your wife has already made it clear she doesn't want to work on this marriage by meeting a guy off line. So look don't be waiting for her to come home, don't let her think that if things don't go fly with this guy that she can just come back to you as a rebound. That you will be there with whatever guy she decides to run off with on a bit. You guys are grown its pretty childish for her to take off for a few days to see some guy and leave you alone with your children. Change the locks tell her you want her out of the house.

 

And for Gods sakes!! eat!! don't let this bring you down, shes not a good person, she showed you that!! be thankful for what you have and that she didnt drag your kids down along with her. i'm surprised you didnt end it when she said shes going to meet up with him. im sorry this happened to you, but theres more out there for you.

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Get as much in writing in regards to her seeing this man. You will want this come custody battle time. I sure it wont feel good having another man raise your kids.

 

exactly what im saying, you need to take actions now. her being gone for a few days, see if you can get some info off the computer for proof. you don't want her to one day just leave with your kids and go to this guys house. be the one to file court papers first and put she had an affair, cuz plain and simple thats what it is. don't even say anything about agreeing with the divorce just go get the divorce papers and have them served to her. she can stay at her parents or even this guys house. so YOU DON'T NEED to let her back in the house.

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That all sounds so simple. Change the locks, kick her out and all of that. I can't do that. She says that she's not going to go anywhere and she wants to do joint custody. My kids would be heartbroken without her in their lives. I don't want this to turn into a nasty custody battle. Does that ever serve a good purpose?

 

We have known each other since we were 15. We've been through a lot together. Don't I have to be an adult and put the kids first and foremost in this and try to get through this with as little battling as possible?

 

This is just so messed up. I never thought that she would do this. I haven't been the perfect husband but I've always been here. I don't drink, I've never cheated on her. I am a great dad. I don't understand why she wants to throw that all away.

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Well of course have joint custody. I'm saying that she like basically ran off for a few days to be with some stranger. You guys have been with each other since you were 15, then it could be that she wanted to explore. This guy is just different to her. Your a wonderful and the reason I'm being so extreme with the locks changing is because it's not right of her to just take off and go see some other guy. Have your kids or has anything been said about her being gone for this time period? It is a good idea to not have so much battling in there, so my bad. But you should get the divorce and tell her its better if she moves out then, its going to have to happen eventually. You need to do whats best for you and your kids right now. You put a lot into the marriage, it went a good 13 years, you were a great husband to her. She just didn't appreciate you enough and wanted to explore her options.She did this in a bad way, and you are eventually going to have to tell her to move out. I said just kick her out now because she comes back for a few days then you say okay divorce move out, she may not and your the one who needs to stay there for the kids. If shes already out of the house and then comes back then she leaves? Your kids are going to get confused. Send them off to your parents house for a few days, when your wife comes back talk to her. Tell her its going to end. You need to figure it out and talk to her.

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Oh good. You dont want it to be a nasty custody battle, but what about her?

 

She has shown you what she is willing to do, hurt you and her children by stepping outside the marriage. Do you think she might consider them comes scaplin' time?

 

She says she doesn't want anything nasty either. She just wants to be done. She is really not a mean person. Although she has done a mean thing here.

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Oh good. You dont want it to be a nasty custody battle, but what about her?

 

She has shown you what she is willing to do, hurt you and her children by stepping outside the marriage. Do you think she might consider them comes scaplin' time?

 

Well of course have joint custody. I'm saying that she like basically ran off for a few days to be with some stranger. You guys have been with each other since you were 15, then it could be that she wanted to explore. This guy is just different to her. Your a wonderful and the reason I'm being so extreme with the locks changing is because it's not right of her to just take off and go see some other guy. Have your kids or has anything been said about her being gone for this time period? It is a good idea to not have so much battling in there, so my bad. But you should get the divorce and tell her its better if she moves out then, its going to have to happen eventually. You need to do whats best for you and your kids right now. You put a lot into the marriage, it went a good 13 years, you were a great husband to her. She just didn't appreciate you enough and wanted to explore her options.She did this in a bad way, and you are eventually going to have to tell her to move out. I said just kick her out now because she comes back for a few days then you say okay divorce move out, she may not and your the one who needs to stay there for the kids. If shes already out of the house and then comes back then she leaves? Your kids are going to get confused. Send them off to your parents house for a few days, when your wife comes back talk to her. Tell her its going to end. You need to figure it out and talk to her.

 

As far as the kids know, she just went to be with a friend. They are somewhat oblivious. Although my oldest overheard me talking to my sister about it and I told her that nothing was set in stone and sometimes adults just talk and she seems to have accepted that.

 

This is all so confusing to me. We have been through a lot together. I just don't understand her unwillingness to want to try. It's hard too because she has no family here. I have family all around me to make it easier.

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As far as the kids know, she just went to be with a friend. They are somewhat oblivious. Although my oldest overheard me talking to my sister about it and I told her that nothing was set in stone and sometimes adults just talk and she seems to have accepted that.

 

This is all so confusing to me. We have been through a lot together. I just don't understand her unwillingness to want to try. It's hard too because she has no family here. I have family all around me to make it easier.

 

 

mate I understand you are hurting now but you have to get your head out. Your kids will pick up on much more that you think. Trust me on that one.

 

Her foot was out the door on this one ages ago. She probably tried to tell you through "hints". She probably isnt all that good at communicating.

 

Again you need to really think about protecting yoruself and your kids.

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mate I understand you are hurting now but you have to get your head out. Your kids will pick up on much more that you think. Trust me on that one.

 

Her foot was out the door on this one ages ago. She probably tried to tell you through "hints". She probably isnt all that good at communicating.

 

Again you need to really think about protecting yoruself and your kids.

 

I understand what you are saying, and I appreciate it very much. I don't really know what to do to protect myself or what I am protecting myself from. I know she's not going to run off with the kids. Another problem is that we don't have a whole lot of money right now and that makes it even more difficult to do the things I need to do.

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This is all so confusing to me. We have been through a lot together. I just don't understand her unwillingness to want to try. It's hard too because she has no family here. I have family all around me to make it easier.

 

Her unwillingness comes from maybe not being mature enough. She just thinks this other guy may be so great, you don't know what this guy has told her. Maybe theres other problems in the marriage, or it just seemed to perfect for her. Well where is her family? I'm not telling you in no way to make enemys with her. I'm just saying you need to really think whats good for you children right now. Have them sent off to grandmas and grandpas so they wont hear you and your wife speaking when she comes home. Figure everything out then, but with your kids out of the house.

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What do you mean in the things you need to do? Regarding to what?

 

As far as finding a lawyer and finding another place to go. I can't afford this house on my own. She says she's not going to run out on the house and leave me with a payment. She has even offered to take out a 401k loan to help with the transition.

 

I have extreme difficulty with just throwing her out. It's just not something I can do. I guess I am too nice. I know a lot of people would be not even hesitate.

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Without reading anymore... I need to say. There is NO reason for a custody battle. The lack of her love for you has nothing to do with her ability to parent, her love for her children, or their need for her in their lives. The best thing, IMO, is to just let her go, without fight. If she does not love you now, I highly doubt that will change. The more you fight and argue, the worse off your kids will be. You two need to remain as amicable as possible for their sake.

 

I wish you luck and I am sorry you need to go through with this.

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Without reading anymore... I need to say. There is NO reason for a custody battle. The lack of her love for you has nothing to do with her ability to parent, her love for her children, or their need for her in their lives. The best thing, IMO, is to just let her go, without fight. If she does not love you now, I highly doubt that will change. The more you fight and argue, the worse off your kids will be. You two need to remain as amicable as possible for their sake.

 

I wish you luck and I am sorry you need to go through with this.

 

Of course there no reason for a custody battle. But this is a two person tango. He is not the only one in this. and quite frankly she has shown little regard for the feelings and well being of others.

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As far as finding a lawyer and finding another place to go. I can't afford this house on my own. She says she's not going to run out on the house and leave me with a payment. She has even offered to take out a 401k loan to help with the transition.

 

I have extreme difficulty with just throwing her out. It's just not something I can do. I guess I am too nice. I know a lot of people would be not even hesitate.

 

 

I think that you are also considering the impact that tossing her out would have on your kids. They would be highly confused by all of that. So, it is not that you are too nice. You just have them in mind.

 

And, the fact that she is saying she is not going to stick you with the mortgage means that she indeed does care about you. She does not want to see you suffer monetarily. She may not be in love with you, and she may not want to continue her marriage to you, but she will still do her part to make sure that she ties up her ends before she goes.

 

Really, this is the best someone in this situation could ask for.

 

I think both of you are doing the right thing.

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I think that you are also considering the impact that tossing her out would have on your kids. They would be highly confused by all of that. So, it is not that you are too nice. You just have them in mind.

 

And, the fact that she is saying she is not going to stick you with the mortgage means that she indeed does care about you. She does not want to see you suffer monetarily. She may not be in love with you, and she may not want to continue her marriage to you, but she will still do her part to make sure that she ties up her ends before she goes.

 

Really, this is the best someone in this situation could ask for.

 

I think both of you are doing the right thing.

 

These are all words on her part. They mean little. Its her actions that matter. I am sure she told the OP she loved him as well but her actions now suggest otherwise and after she cheated on him (I'll put money on that one) she decides she doesnt love him.

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Of course there no reason for a custody battle. But this is a two person tango. He is not the only one in this. and quite frankly she has shown little regard for the feelings and well being of others.

 

This is a sticky situaiton. But, she is showing consideration if she is willing to make sure he can cover his mortgage. That is decent of her IMO. I know that what she is doing may not be the best for him or his feelings. But, one cannot choose who their heart belongs to.

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These are all words on her part. They mean little. Its her actions that matter. I am sure she told the OP she loved him as well but her actions now suggest otherwise and after she cheated on him (I'll put money on that one) she decides she doesnt love him.

 

Very true, I agree. Actions speak louder than words. Her actions are very hurtful to you and your children. She's only trying to make up for them by being kind in helping for the mortgage so your children still have a place. This kind of sounds like your going to get majority of custody and she will be the one picking them up on weekends. Like she wants to go have her own life so shes making sure you stay with the kids most of the time, by this shes helping with the house payments. She may want you to go lient on the divorce because shes trying to be all nice here. Just be sure on the divorce you put she had an affair. you want joint custody, but the kids to be living with you and she has the visitations.

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These are all words on her part. They mean little. Its her actions that matter. I am sure she told the OP she loved him as well but her actions now suggest otherwise and after she cheated on him (I'll put money on that one) she decides she doesnt love him.

 

Her loving/being in love with him and her caring if something happens to him are two different things. I am sure that she feel horrible about how it all went down. But, again, she cannot control the fact that she is in love with another man. She is trying to do the best she can to make the transition as smooth as possible by making sure he can continue to live and pay the mortgage. She may have been selfish in allowing herself to fall for another, but she is not entirely selfish in that she is not dumping all of her responsibilities to be with this new man, when she very easily could do and would be the easiest thing for her to do.

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Very true, I agree. Actions speak louder than words. Her actions are very hurtful to you and your children. She's only trying to make up for them by being kind in helping for the mortgage so your children still have a place. This kind of sounds like your going to get majority of custody and she will be the one picking them up on weekends. Like she wants to go have her own life so shes making sure you stay with the kids most of the time, by this shes helping with the house payments. She may want you to go lient on the divorce because shes trying to be all nice here. Just be sure on the divorce you put she had an affair. you want joint custody, but the kids to be living with you and she has the visitations.

 

if you want to find out how serious she is about helping out. March her down to the bank and get that loan. See how serious she is about backing up her words. She can say anything she wants, and I believe that she knows you will buy it. She may very well be nice and kind and will help out with the payments etc.

 

I think you are putting a lot of trust in someone who has proven not to be trustworthy.

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Her loving/being in love with him and her caring if something happens to him are two different things. I am sure that she feel horrible about how it all went down. But, again, she cannot control the fact that she is in love with another man. She is trying to do the best she can to make the transition as smooth as possible by making sure he can continue to live and pay the mortgage. She may have been selfish in allowing herself to fall for another, but she is not entirely selfish in that she is not dumping all of her responsibilities to be with this new man, when she very easily could do and would be the easiest thing for her to do.

 

Yeh, its good she isn't dumping her responsibilities. But sorry she just went off to be with some guy for a few days. Shes basically like I'm off to see this new guy!! Stay with the kids! later! I don't think shes an entirely bad person, just to the fact that she cheated. Its good very good that shes taking responsibility and helping out with making it easier. No one wants to get divorced and at least you two are being mature about it. She's already moved on, eat something man!! You need to stay healthy for these kids!!

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if you want to find out how serious she is about helping out. March her down to the bank and get that loan. See how serious she is about backing up her words. She can say anything she wants, and I believe that she knows you will buy it. She may very well be nice and kind and will help out with the payments etc.

 

I think you are putting a lot of trust in someone who has proven not to be trustworthy.

 

Trustworthy or not, she needs to do the right and responsible thing in regards to making sure that her children remain safe and healthy. I agree that she should get the loan for the house to help.

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