Losing friends when you were having body image issues... anyone here can relate?

hey..

I'm feeling sort of sad because I've lost a few friends over the years due to my perfectionistic ways. I can be really hard on myself and obsessive about things... I just want to ask if you think this happened again due to a comment I made to my friend... he probably thinks I have mental/body image issues, but I'm not sure if that would be enough to lose a friend? lately my body issues manifested itself because I gained 10 lbs. since Sept. and then was comparing pics from then to now and realized I really hated how I looked in comparison... and also this bad blind date I went on, where the guy wasn't interested in me, was a hit to my self-esteem.. so anyway.. that is all to say, i haven't been feeling the best about my looks lately. I went a bit overboard though when I started seeing myself as fat... there's a thing called body dysmorphia or something i think, and I probably had something like that... so I asked my friend, an old co-worker from last year if he'd be interested in meeting up for drinks and chat this week. he enthusiastically agreed, at first, but then i mentioned that i'm not sure he'd recognize me because although i am not 'obese' i have put on a lot of weight (which i've since lost and am now only 3 lbs. more than i was then lol... really, a gain of 5 lbs. won't make you obese, as i was already under my ideal weight) but seriously... my self-image was just messed up. so he was like 'umm alright..." but never responded about confirming a time.

And I lost another one of my best friends when I totally overreacted due to a bad haircut and was thinking of suicide... she was like 'i don't like how high-strung you are, it's too much for me to deal with right now." she was also one of my best friends..

ok since then my body image has improved, as I went on a diet and lost whatever pounds i was all worried about... and my hair is relatively better, and I'm dating a guy now and we're good......so things are better. but I stilll regret losing some friends over my OCD-ness last year, and secondly, do you think that comment to my friend made me lose him as well??? :sad: should I email him asking if he still wants to meet for next week... he was saying he was also having family problems with his fiancee's grandmother being ill and they were going to visit her this wkend so perhaps that was why as well......i just hope I didn't lose another good friend again.......

Everyone has different "breaking points" with friendships and it depends how close the friendships were. I was most certainly a bad friend at points in time when I had body image/weight/food issues in my teens/early 20s. I remember not listening to what a friend was saying because I was so focused on not knowing the calorie count in a dish at a chinese restaurant (this was over 20 years ago and I still remember). He got upset when he realized I wasn't listening, and I was too embarrassed to tell him why. That's one example. luckily we are still friends. In general I could be very annoying/frustrating to be around during that time because of how high maintenance i was about my diet. I wasn't overweight when I began dieting and I became very skinny, irritable and unhealthy. i am so glad I was able to get over it!

These days I try my best to be compassionate and tolerant of women with those issues but I admit sometimes it is hard particularly at a restaurant if the waitstaff is getting annoyed.

There's no easy answer to your question because of all the different variables. It's good that you recognize what's going on and want to change.

That is true. I suppose everyone has their breaking points.....he likely thinks i'm insane now or something.

I do think you telling the guy "you probably won't recognize me as i put on a lot of weight" is exactly what turned me off and why he didn't keep the date.

Lily that is self sabotage. good god girl you gained ten lbs. That does not classify as "a lot of weight". This guy probably envisioned you about 50 lbs heavier and you probably scared him off.

We can all say if he were a decent guy he wouldn't mind but come on, you two don't have a relationship so he didn't owe you anything or even owe keeping the date.

If a man said that to me that i hadn't seen in a good while - you may not recognize me as i have gained a lot of weight - Lily i'd be apprensive as well. And i am not shallow at all with appearance but that would be seen as very negative and I would feel like "my God how bad does he look if he feels he has to prepare me ahead of time"???????????????????

hmm i suppose you're right....well hopefully he'll be around the office and when i visit next week he'll see i was way exaggerating.. i'm like 5'10" and 132 lbs. so i'm not even near overweight... everyone tells me i'm stick thin now..

BUT he has a fiancee and this was only going to be a meeting between two friends... although he was also slightly attracted to me before, and tried to hide the fact that he had a fiancee as well. he said that "we're going to visit her grandmother." I had to email him back and ask who the "we" was, and he was like 'oh right.. my fiancee.' so i dunno... i admit there was a bit of an attraction between us........................wow, he must seriously think i'm like insane or way fat though.

BUT he has a fiancee and this was only going to be a meeting between two friends... although he was also slightly attracted to me before, and tried to hide the fact that he had a fiancee as well.

Why on earth would you even give him the time of day?????? This is probably why you have so many man issues. You go for the wrong ones. Why would you even want to be a FRIEND to a man who was attracted to you and tried to hide having a fiance?

I wouldn't even put a man like that into my friend pool. And be honest with yourself, if you were once attracted to him and he you, you know there might be a bit more in the back of your minds than just a friendly lunch or whatever. But even if just friendship was your goal, again, why would you want to even be friends with a guy who hides having a fiancee? If he can't be respectful to her I doubt he will be respectful to friends.

hmm.. I suppose I liked his personality more than anything, he's a really unique character. I posted about him before... I seriously cant believe he has a fiancee with the way he was flirting with me before heh... but we get along well, and I wanted to ask him about help with law admissions as he got into the best law school in Canada without even finishing his undergrad... meaning his app. must have been stellar.

Additionally, I felt like I could tell him anything... he's generally open-minded which was why I felt it was OK when I was stressed to show a bit of insecurity about my weiight and say i've gained some... but i dunno. likely not the greatest idea... but if you're only friends... why not right

hmm.. I suppose I liked his personality more than anything, he's a really unique character. I posted about him before... I seriously cant believe he has a fiancee with the way he was flirting with me before heh... but we get along well, and I wanted to ask him about help with law admissions as he got into the best law school in Canada without even finishing his undergrad... meaning his app. must have been stellar.

Is this that same guy you mentioned a couple of months ago, who you felt was leading you on? The one from the club who was flirty who you said was a little bit on the haevy side and you were surprised he gets so much attn being that he was not a classic hotty?

If so, with how you drove yourself crazy over him all I can advise is let him go. And good God he has a fiancee to boot! He sure didn't share that tidbit of info when he was flirting at the club!

Is this that same guy you mentioned a couple of months ago, who you felt was leading you on? The one from the club who was flirty who you said was a little bit on the haevy side and you were surprised he gets so much attn being that he was not a classic hotty?

 

If so, with how you drove yourself crazy over him all I can advise is let him go. And good God he has a fiancee to boot! He sure didn't share that tidbit of info when he was flirting at the club!

nooooo totally different guy!!! this is a guy who I met at work. I did mention him before, but simply said he used to be an actor.

Lily, are you seeing a therapist for your self-esteem issues? You said that you felt suicidal over a haircut. That worries me. We all have our insecurities, but it becomes something to seek help about when it's getting in the way of living your life. I think it has reached this point. You said that your body image issues have gotten better since you haved lost weight..but that doesn't mean that the deeper issues have been resolved. I really think you could benefit from talking to a professional about this.

yes, i agree with the prior poster about getting some treatment... you are actually bordering on underweight for your height, and you are worried about gaining 10 lbs?

it is really a waste of time to get too obsessed with looks, because nature has a way of taking care of that with aging, pregnancy, etc. you are really shortchanging yourself if you focus so much on your looks that you 'warn' people when you are in a normal weight range.

wouldn't you like to get up and just enjoy the day and not self censor and criticize yourself all the time? there is such a big world out there with so much to do and so many things to be other than totally focused on your weight or looks.

please consider going to a doctor and discussing this... you might be depressed, or have OCD, or just body issues that you can work on so that you can enjoy life without unduly focusing on your looks. it is like a prison when you obsess too much about this kind of thing, so please take some steps to get treatment and free yourself to enjoy life and your friends.

Yes. I agree with the last two posters.

Getting suicidal over a haircut is not okay. And, from all your posts here, we know you have your struggles with body issues.

What have you tried to resolve them? How long did you work at it, how much time did you give it?

There are no miracle cures; but it is treatable! Totally treatable!

You could get this monkey off your back and once for all. Then, you could write posts like Batya of 'remembering when I was like that, thank god I got over it!'

Y'know, I notice the way you phrase things. It seems to me that you think your friends may be rejecting you because you have body issues. That they are judging you.

Ok, that is a possibility, but in general friends who really care won't be doing that.

I used to have a friend who you remind me of, sometimes. I say used to; not because I didn't like her because of her body issues (to this day, I still care about her, simply don't see her much).

The reason I pulled away was frustration. Frustration of listening to the same things over and over, and yet she would not do a thing to help herself. She would not even address the actual problem.

A friend can be compassionate of that for quite a while. But, after a certain point, it can get too draining and friend can feel neglected.

Almost like the issues were drugs, and the friend loves the issues more than friendships. That may or not be the case, but it can send a person a little batty trying to be there for someone who isn't listening but just talks right over you.

Who skips an important event that was planned because of a zit. (true story, and it was something important to me).

I hope you understand what I am saying. You are lovely just as you are. It's these thoughts and behaviors that need some work. Please put some work into it. You won't regret it!

And you don't have to do it alone, either.

Lily, are you seeing a therapist for your self-esteem issues? You said that you felt suicidal over a haircut. That worries me. We all have our insecurities, but it becomes something to seek help about when it's getting in the way of living your life. I think it has reached this point. You said that your body image issues have gotten better since you haved lost weight..but that doesn't mean that the deeper issues have been resolved. I really think you could benefit from talking to a professional about this.

I am talking with a professional but he doesn't seem to take my OCD that seriously...unless it deals with school. I think he sees me as being really in control of my issues... he's not that smart/perceptive though, I really should change psychiatrists. He did give me medication for OCD but I haven't started taking them yet... all they do apparently is make you more relaxed, and stop you from obsessing as much... it won't help you deal with low self-esteem or perfectionism. The best way to address those issues is through cognitive behavioural therapy, but my psychiatrist isn't quite competent enough to do that it seems. However, I don't want to change doctors just yet because he's known me for a while now, and I need him to write a reference for me for grad school apps... a new psych wouldn't know what to write, and doesn't know me as well. So I'll probably switch in September.. for now I'll just have to try to deal with it on my own...

Can you find another reference for grad school? I don't know how appropriate it is to have your psychiatrist write you a recommendation for that anyway. Your mental health comes before anything. If he is not working for you, find another ASAP. I think you are right in saying that CBT would work well for you. It helps you learn to control those negative thoughts and replace them with more effective ones. I'd ask to be referred to someone who specializes in that.

BeStrongBeHappy put it best........

nature has a way of taking care of looks obsession with aging and such.

Better to get a grip on this soon before nature does her number!