Anyone's ex only remember the bad things from the relationship?

So I know it is easy to go through phases of seeing things through rose colored glasses...Im coming out of that stage and seeing things realistically...BUT, it is discouraging and painful that all my ex remembers is everything bad about the relationship and me..That it was a nightmare..Yes, we faught often and I was difficult..But we also made dinners together, went on bike rides, laughed together, shared some memorable moments, that my ex seems to have completely erased from his head...Even in the worst relationship, there are some good things..Otherwise he wouldnt have been begging me to make it work for so long...I never cheated or lied to him..I just frustrated him beyond belief...But he said he adored me all the time, and we would have mornings where we would make coffee together and sit on my from stoop eating bagels.....He is in a new relationship now..Actually married...I dont plan on ever talking to him..At least not for a long time if ever...He Everytime I hear from him, all he does is put me down, and say how horrible the relationship was,, how miserable he was, how he really didnt love me, how he felt sorry for me, how he is so happy he has found someone who he has real love with..It is such a slap in the face..Because although I may have not been able to live up to his expectations in the relationship I truly honestly tried to make it work....Will he ever look back and remember anything good? Or will he always be bitter and remember only the bad? ANyone else have this happen to them???

it's pretty natural for them to think of all the bad stuff in the beginning, but they usually remember the good after theyre done being angry. i guess everyone deals with loss differently. i wouldn't dwell on what he's saying right now. easier said than done, i know, but you really shouldn't take it personal.

Thanks so much..I just wish he could have just said the relationship was not healthy and maybe we were incompatible but he appreciated the good times we had..Instead he seems to just think it was a joke..It is very dehumanizing to me...It is not easy for me to open up to people, and he pushed that in me the whole time we dated....I feel horrible I couldnt give him what he needed, but he almost has dismissed the time we spent together as a joke..It is very painful...I know I shouldnt let what he says affect me..But I guess that is the problem...Thanks pinkelephant...I tend to see the good in the relationship afterwards..Maybe because I made him feel so horrible the whole time..Than why did he beg for me to stay with him?

People who are glad the relationship ended tend to remember the bad stuff, and those who regret the relationship ending tend to remember the good stuff.

But over time, if the break up ends up being healthy, both parties become able to see the past relationship for the good AND bad that it brought to their lives and come to terms with it and eliminate the anger.

I woiuldn't bother talking to him anymore, especially if he is going to tell you rubbish like that, which is only going to make you feel worse.

I am sure you can bring up a few things about him that he wouldn't like.

It's called being human and not thereforeeee not perfect.

To be honest though, looking back on my past relationship, there isnt a lot of good things i can rememeber about him or the relationship. In my case though there were a lot more bad things than good especially for the last 2 or so years of the relationship so all i can really remember is the bad things.

The relationship had red flags from the beginning but i was young and inexperienced and made a mistake.

Yeah..I guess he is very happy it is over...But it it doesnt mean he has to tell me how glad..But I guess he has nothing to loose telling me...Just prove he doesnt care...In all honesty, the relationship was bad more often than it was good....But Id like think he remembered me in a good way..But thats asking too much...Its hurtful....Thanks all....I guess when you are completely over it and in love with someone else..It is easy to just look at the bad....I wish I could be that way more...

i know what you mean anon. i remembered all the good things after the relationship ended, and he thought of all the bad and always blamed me for everything everytime i tried to establish contact. after some time, i found out he was already with someone else during that time. but that happened even though i know deep down somewhere the reason why the relationship ended wasn't due to one-sided faults. that made me feel so hurt - as in, i thought that even though the relationship couldn't work out - i cherished a big part of it. for my case - i have a feeling after the anger died away, he did start to remember the good bits and felt some regret. i think what some of them posted up there is true, different people handle loss differently. don't worry, til today, even though there were moments in between I have tried hard to think of the bad, that has stopped and nowadays - i still think of the good times once in a while.

Yeah..I guess he is very happy it is over...But it it doesnt mean he has to tell me how glad..But I guess he has nothing to loose telling me...Just prove he doesnt care...In all honesty, the relationship was bad more often than it was good....But Id like think he remembered me in a good way..But thats asking too much...Its hurtful....Thanks all....I guess when you are completely over it and in love with someone else..It is easy to just look at the bad....I wish I could be that way more...

YOu will be that way more once you are also over him. Because you still have feelings is why you can see the good more.

Nothealing..Thank you..Its good to hear from someone who knows how that feels..By them seeing the relationship all as bad, makes you feel like you didnt mean anything to them...In fact makes you feel like they really dont like you..And it feels that way from my ex...What makes you think your ex may be seeing htings differently over time? I thin his anger about the relationship is somewhat unreasonable...He is not seeing me as a person who really tried and didnt ever mean to hurt him..He says he still cares about me...But everything else he says is horribly mean...Ugh...Its painful...He was so adamant about me opening up more, and yet now I feel like I will have a harder time in a future relationship due to how horribly this ended.....

Thanks jaded star...Maybe in the future I will be happy it ended...But that wont change that I cared about him, and that it meant something to me....Also, there are many relationships that I am always curious about if I had done something different how it would have worked out...Even after a long time...There are only two, I am glad they ended....Its hard to feel like he is so relieved I am out of his life...I know I shouldnt let it get to me..But it is so hurtful to not even feel like I meant anything to him...

Another question...Anyone feel this way about the relationship when it was over, and then remember the good parts as well...and regret things themselves?

He told me also that his new gf is so different from me, so much better etc etc etc. I know what you mean about 'unreasonable anger' too. I kept shouting/crying at him after the breakup - how can you not see the good times we had together, how can you say that about me, how can you this how can you that. he came back crawling after 8 months - which helped a little in the 'he never cared about me feelings' i felt, but he left anyway a few months later with the same anger reaction. - from my experience, he said that she was better, but they didn't have the same 'explosions' during the relationship. don't ask me why he felt that way after - i think my ex was a psycho to some point, so can't really reason out his feelings. all i can say is, after a while, after you've healed - you won't care anymore. i certainly didn't - the 2nd time. at least tell yourself that you were true in the relationship - you loved him sincerely, and if he wants to say anything bad now, let him. and thank yourself that you're not with him now.

one more thing - i realize one of the reasons my ex kept throwing all the bad stuff at me - was that he wanted to make me feel guilty. so you shouldn't! he is trying to hold the remote control even after the breakup - don't let him!

btw - you shouldn't really be still in contact with him - esp if all he has to say is all the crap. everytime i got in contact with me ex and hearing him throw all this at me - i broke down for days. so don't. i know easier said than done, but hopefully with everyone here motivating you, you'll be slightly stronger!

nothealing....SOunds like we had very similar situations..Only I doubt my ex would ever say our relationship was explosive aside from the fights....I was not sexual enough with him which frustrated him...I was not intimate or open enough for him...It was just taking me awhile to open up I guess..But I still feel like we shared some special times, and we created a connection...He did the same thing to me when he met this girl..Telling me how much better she is in every way..He even told me after he slept with her, and I cried and cried....Now he is married to her (only dated her for one month)..and as you may have seen from my last posts, he still has put me down and sees nothing good whatsoever that we shared..It makes me so sad....I think he just wanted me when we were together because he didnt want to be alone..Thats the only thing I can think of...Cause he dropped me so easily and seems to deny that we had anything.....I wish my ex would realize some day that he did care about me, and that I was a good person, and the relationship may not have been perfect but it was what it was.....I also think we are similar in that I think my ex is kinda psycho too...Marrying so soon, and being almost emotionally abusive to me...No Good...I hope time goes faster so I can get over it...I feel pathetic he is already married and Im still upset...

Thanks nothealing..i think this last time he said those things to me..I realized I cannot contact him..Nothing good will come from it..You are right....You give me hope if you got through it....

Yeah. Over time and with no or very little contact, the bad memories fade and the good ones stick out.

Thanks dev..Thats good to know....I think all I can hope for is that some day he will remember me fondly and appreciate the relationship for the good times...Although I guess it wont really matter at that point...But I still hope for that.

hey anon, although he crawled back to me and left me again and said all that crap again - i doubt he ever remembers me as fondly as i do him, and appreciate the relationship for the good times etc - and i feel stupid now that we talk to each other sometimes as friends and i tell him things like 'no hard feelings - i still think of all the good times etc' and he never says anything like that back. but sometimes, i think, at least i'm being honest, and if he didn't feel that way, that's his loss. you probably still care because you still have feelings and all, but trust me, to one point, you won't care. i always think its better to give than to take anyway. you have no losses in the end even if you tell him you appreciate this and that and he doesn't. same as easier being the dumpee than the dumper. in the end, you end up being top.

I get this post is old, and this probably has no reason being here, but I recently went through the same thing. I'm a junior (17) and she's a senior (18). We spent 5 months together, which to me was forever because she was my first partner, sexually and romantically. We spent christmas together, I was there for her birthday party, I've spent thousands on her, we did alot together. When she was a freshman she had her first true love, which lasted 6 months before he left her because he couldn't deal with her any more. She went crazy to say the least, cuts on her arm, covered in blood, at his front door. Police got called. Anyways, we both told eachother our deepest secrets, and I was ready to have this relationship last long, if not forever, because I felt like her life was now mine, I was her caretaker, I would help her get over her past troubles. About 2 weeks ago I got insecure and confronted her about still having feelings for this freshman guy because she started hanging out with him again (I know, red flag. One in thousands trust me.) It ended up where she said she was using me to not be lonely and would rather make out with him than be with me. I broke up with her, but all the memories we made ended up making me go crazy for her. I've been spending all days in my bed sleeping, losing my mind. Meanwhile she got over me instantly, and already has another partner. I found this post in a search to see why she would just give all that up, and tell me she hated it. It doesn't make sense to me, but the thought that she'll get over her anger and regret it eventually made me feel far better.