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hey guys, i am new here but wondered if someone can offer me some advice on the following issue - i did notice the previous thread is kinda similar but didn't want to hijack it and also need to tell my own story....

 

have been with my g/f for just over 4 years and we have lived together for the last 2. She is 27 (just turned) and I have just turned 25.

 

recently we have been talking more and more about marriage and commitment. as far as she is concerned, she knows that i am 'the one' and wants to get married asap but i am increasingly feeling that i am not sure about our relationship and that i want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

this is the longest relationship i have ever had and i do have genuine feelings for her but i do not know whether my issues are about her or simply not being ready to get married.

 

how do i decide and make up my mind? this is driving me completely crazy as the topic keeps coming up in conversation. i tell her that i think i do one day want to marry her but not yet, but the more i say this the more i convince myself that after 4 years if i'm not sure then this can't be right?

 

when i think about walking away and all the repercussions this would have it breaks my heart. although we have been going out for 4 years i have known her a lot longer through playing sport with her dad and brother. we share a lot of mutual friends through the sports club and i am terrified of what will happen to all these friends if we split up.

 

i have heard many people say that you must do what feels right, but i don't know what that is or how to go about working it out. can anyone offer any thoughts or advice????

 

thanks in advance for your help

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Hi there, and welcome to enot - like your user name, I feel that way at times too! That, or confuzzled.

 

This is tough. Often, I would say, I think what you are going through is pretty normal. I would say that many, many long term couples go through periods of doubt, often sparked by the prospect of a big change, bigger commitment, and so forth. Even if you have talked about it before, and were on the same wavelength, the "impending" reality can still cause these "whoa....slow down! Is this what I really want?" moments!

 

I think it is pretty normal to not be "sure" at times, but it is good in a way as it shows you realize how important marriage is and that it is a big commitment. I would say that having those doubts does not mean she is not right for you, or that you would not have a wonderful marriage, if you chose to invest emotionally and with your commitment into it. Marriage after all is about more than romance and butterflies, and if you are truly friends, and truly in it together, I think you can still have something amazing.

 

That all being said, I could not help but notice that you are recently 25, meaning you have been with her since you were 21; and I cannot help but wonder if part of these doubts are spurred by not being quite sure of your own sense of self as of yet. Often it seems to be that in what I have seen, men often feel they need to have everything "settled" in life before marriage (whereas many females I note seem to feel things can settle in life WHILE you are married, does not need to come before).

 

So, what I am saying is, I wonder if part of your doubts are just not quite being sure of whom "confuddled" is yet - YOUR identity and where you are going in life, and feeling the need to sort all that out first. Some people are comfortable figuring this out while with someone, others are not. Some figure it out earlier, some take far longer.

 

Part of this is also related to perhaps limited dating/relationship experience as an adult in terms of figuring out what you want and need in a life partner. I am not sure if there are other issues in your relationship you have not shared in your original post that may also be part of it, that are causing you to wonder if she is really right or not as well.

 

I cannot of course tell you what is right decision for you. Either way it is something you have to decide in your own heart and mind. You need to decide if you want to risk losing her to figure whom you are and what you want out, or if she really is someone whom would actually be a great partner in this journey of life.

 

All I know is that you are going to have to keep the lines of communication open and be honest with your girlfriend as well as yourself.

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I really wouldn't be able to tell you anything apart from the fact that when you know you really KNOW, in my opinion anyway. Although gathering by the fact that you're still young its only natural to start questioning your relationship and whether you do really want to take the final step. The problem people often have when entering a serious relationship is that they don't talk about things like marriage from the very beginning, you need to know from the very start whether you both want the same thing; openly and honestly regardless of whether the truth hurts or not.

 

My boyfriend and I did that, we both decided that in future we do want to get married so we know that we wouldn't simply be wasting our time or leading each other on by being in this relationship, then we took the final step and moved in together. I think that you should definitely talk to her and let her know how you are feeling, you never know, she may be feeling the same way that you do to but she's probably hoping that you'd be the first to bring it up.

 

Hope nothing I said offended you

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sounds like she is artfully turning the screws on you to pressure you into marriage....don't leap into a decision you may regret in a few years....if you are not sure you want to marry, then obviously your not ready...

maybe she can sense your uneasiness and wants to net you before you escape ! time out, man !

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guys you all make some really good, valid points - thank you.

 

do you think it is fair of her to accuse me of wasting her time the last 4 years if it turns out that we take the decision to break up?

 

she mentioned this in our latest conversation and it really bugged me as its not like i could have made allowances for changes in the way i feel. i have not purposely lead her on at all.

 

i do feel sometimes like i am being emotionally blackmailed by her. i hate confrontation and have sometimes toed the line just to please her but i am beginning to realise that this sets dangerous precedents, and marriage is not something to be forced into.

 

i remember about 6 months into our relationship i tried to break up with her ( i honestly cannot remember why now looking back) and she convinced me not too. whilst we have spent the last 3 and a half years happy and content i can't help but feel the same thing would happen again...

 

this is doing my head in!

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I'm not sure I would call it emotional blackmail ... you are just on different pages. Only she can decide if she is willing to continue with the status quo. Only you can decide if you should take things forward. It makes you both uncomfortable, and it will continue until it's resolved one way or the other ... by marriage or break up. I'm not sure there's a third option here since it keeps coming up.

 

Zack.

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Well, I don't know if it would be "fair" for her to say that, but I can certainly understand why she MAY feel like that; particularly if you two had discussed marriage before moving in and so forth as in the future for you.

 

Of course, it is not a "waste" of time, I would certainly never see my relationship with the man I love as a "waste" of time, but I think it is a normal response when you are hurt, and had believed you were going in that direction - if marriage is important to her, and she finds out you don't want it (or never really did with her); it is not surprising she may feel that way. She may just feel she kept investing with someone not investing back (not that I am saying this is the case and that you did not, but that she may FEEL this way).

 

You are right though in that marriage is not something to be forced or guilted into at all. That certainly would NOT be a good start to a marriage in the least.

 

Is there anything more "tangible" that has you feeling maybe she is not one for you? If for 3.5 years things were happy, what is having your rethink it, do you think?

 

Do you feel "trapped" by the relationship? Do you have separate interests, friends, lives? Is she dependent, independent? Are you? These are all things I am curious about in your relationship dynamic if you are suddenly not so "sure" after this time?

 

I think in this case, maybe time apart would be good. A break with boundaries of sorts - like no dating others for a couple months, to evaluate things (of course, this has to be something you both can agree with, not everyone can). A chance to get time apart, but also to see if you can reconnect, without distractions of others. It may lead to a breakup, but not all breaks do if they are done with certain guidelines and the intent of both parties to give it a real shot. On the other hand, she is within every right to say that is not acceptable and a break = break up.

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do you think it is fair of her to accuse me of wasting her time the last 4 years if it turns out that we take the decision to break up?

 

Not fair at all, and she's trying to twist your arm.

When you met, was there an agreement to use the next 4 years as a trial period for marriage, or did you just enjoy being together? If being together was a waste of her time, why does she want to marry you?

 

Only you can know when you're ready.

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"Is there anything more "tangible" that has you feeling maybe she is not one for you? If for 3.5 years things were happy, what is having your rethink it, do you think?"

 

I just think I've got cold feet about committing to her when she is my only really serious relationship. I have no comparison with any other relationship I've had and I can't help but feel that in some way I need to have this in order to make a decision. Problem is I can't put her on hold, try with someone else and then go back to her if I decide its better can I?

 

I just keep coming back to thinking that perhaps she is just in a different place to me and she needs someone who can give her what she wants. everything is complicated and clouded by the fallout with other people that would result from a split (I know this is no reason to stay with her, but it makes everything so much harder)

 

i am happy and i do have feelings for her but i wonder if they are just not enough to make me give her the commitment she craves and deserves (just maybe from someone else) because i am sure i would know.

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