Ｄepressed Ｐeople

Ｉ seek advice and consolation from those who know better than me about what to do. Ｉ'm going to be as frank as possible to receive the best advice you have to offer.Ｉmyself am blessed in many ways：a natural optimistic tendency, my drive to work hard, and perhaps even a fulfilling life aiding poverty in developing countries, along with financial security. Ａnd there's a wonderful boyfriend of seven years.

Ｗe are now residing with his（depressed？ selfish？ needy？）mother, paying rent in order to help her finances and be supportive to fix her debilitating vices. Ｓhe is an overweight, in debt after declared bankruptcy, sloppy messy and very lazy, has extravagant spending habits, and mostly a negative and whiny social outcast. Ｍy boyfriend, a model son of sorts who handles this better than me, is the only person in that family willing to help her, as everyone else has ditched the responsibility, and Ｉ am here hoping to build a healthy relationship with a future mother-in-law and improve some of her habits as well.

Ｉ want to write out exactly how Ｉ feel from a normal person's perspective： Ｄepression is such an utterly selfish, energy-consuming, slob of an excuse and makes for ＵＳＥＬＥＳＳ human beings. Ｓometimes Ｉ'd like to throw her into the streets to see what real hardship would be like.Ｔhere are handicapped quadriplegics more resourceful and beneficial to society than she is！Ｉ can't name one contribution she's made except complaining, being narrow and racist, and wanting the entitled luxuries, and weeping for no reason. Ｗe tried taking her to developing countries and witnessing poverty to broaden her empathy to which she said, “Ｔhose poor people are raised different from me. Ｔhey can suffer more.Ｉhave expensive taste, otherwise Ｉ'd be miserable！“ and during the trip she had so many stupid patronizing things to say about the impoverished that it didn't work as we hoped. Ｒeally she has little to be depressed about because ＥＶＥＲＹＯＮＥ in her family has tried hard to put in effort to love her and she has had more privileges Ｉ can think of, except she likes to be a drama queen and a baby---finding anything uneasy and make it the lame excuse for debilitating her completely. Ａs if nobody else had any tough issues and bad situations in life！Ｗhatever happened to resilience？ Ｓelf-reliance？

Ｉ'm so tired of her claiming depression as her free ticket to be childish： in order to act out and splurge, make a mess that we have to clean up, refuse to eat leftovers but also unwilling to “slave in the kitchen,“ bawl crying whenever we suggest that she be more humble and considerate. Ｔrying to train her to delay instant gratification makes her “throw a tantrum“ and threaten suicide. Ｓhe sought professional help---psychiatric and psychological---but she's unwilling to deal with any pain to help herself. Ｓhe won't relinquish the basic control even though her debt and eating are uncontrollable. Ｒemember that we're quite young and she's supposed to be the older mother.

Ｗe're really trying but she basically indulges in escapism/laziness：

• Ｗe walk/exercise twice a day and gently encourage her to come with us. Ｓhe never does, preferring to watch some inane show.
  
• Ｗe positively reinforce her with compliments when she does do chores, and Ｉ haven't said a critical word about the fact that Ｉ clean up her messes and half-abandoned cooking projects after her.
  
• Ｗe tried to have a discussion about her being accountable for her actions and spending, maybe collecting receipts to see where the money goes. Ｓhe got defensive, cried, and went to her room.
  
• Ｉ cook delicious and healthy gourmet, using her laziness to prevent her from eating cake/microwave meals/etc. Ｂut she's picky and crass, won't eat leftovers, claims allergies to a lot of ingredients, and throws away good food.
  
• Ｗe give her little responsibilities that she fails to do. Ｉnstead, she hangs out with other depressed friends that she found, and they bi＊ch about how life is and debate about she-gods and aliens and stuff.
  

Ｈaving spent the past few years being hard-working, ambitious and having really built a great social reputation working with and in Ｔhird Ｗorld countries, Ｉ've developed above-average compassion and even tolerance for really short-sighted decision-making. Ｂoth of us have been remarkable students. Ｂut Ｉ am only human and as much as Ｉ'd like to be there for someone depressed, damn, she takes and takes and takes. Ｅnergy, attention, resources, time, and positivity. Ｗith her presense, we may as well destroy our own productivity and goals. Ｓhe seems braindead and spoiled to me.Ｉt is like one of those people who purposefully flails in a dangerous river and wants others to save her. Ａt some point, you know the sh＊t's going to hit the fan, hard, money is going to be scarce and Ｉ can't say Ｉ didn't try to cushion it. Ａnd yes, she recognizes that we （my boyfriend and Ｉ） are the only two that are financially solvent enough to pad her needs but, uh, since she isn't making an effort to curb her habits, or confront reality or hard facts, and since she always referred to her sons as “tax writeoff“ dependents and didn't even support their tuition when she was raising them, and needs rent money from us now in order to get by -leech-Ｉ refuse to provide later support even though within 3-5 years the scarcity is going pinch, and she may want to commit suicide. Ｄo Ｉ wash my hands clean of that？Ｉf she does something drastic, can Ｉ say, “Ｙou had it coming, you parasite. Ｔhanks for finally ridding yourself from the society.“ Ｉt feels so wrong and yet, certain people do act like cancer cells.Ｉf it weren't for being the mother of the person Ｉ love, who means a lot to him, Ｉ would have some very frank things to say to her face---to hell with her spiraling into an uncontrollable vortex of despair.

Ｓo Ｉ know this sounds cold, especially knowing that there are very depressed people here. Ｂut what's an average person to do to really help someone like that, without sacrificing their own happiness, life and goals？ Ｉf some depressed people really can't see the gift of life, be productive and notice all the uplifting things the world has to offer, why do they feel necessary to bring everyone else down to their misery？

Ｎote： Ａpologies if Ｉ sound whiny myself here, but at the moment, this is how it feels living with someone depressed.

I find your post extremely offensive.

I have suffered from severe depression, and I am not a parasite, a life-denier, a 'whining baby' or any of the things your describe. I have plenty of achievements to my name and I am also blessed in having close relatives who understand and have witnessed at first hand how debilitating depression (in my case reactive, after a betrayal and a bereavement) can be. I have been hospitalized for the condition and all I can say is, I'm glad my doctors didn't take the intolerant and hate-filled view that you take on here. With therapy and drugs, they actually saved my life.

I have met people who suffer so badly from endogenous depression that the only recourse for them is several courses of ECT (electro-convulsive therapy). Do you really think that a 'selfish' person would willingly submit themselves to that kind of traumatic treatment if they were happy being a parasite and didn't want to get well? BTW, most of these people hold down serious jobs, they have families, they pay their taxes and they are good and caring people.

I congratulate you on your high-functioning life and innate optimism. I hope for your sake that you never experience severe incapacitating depression at first hand. I do find your intolerance shocking, however. And your lack of compassion, which surprises me all the more since you say you have ambitions to 'aid poverty' in the developing world. My guess is you will encounter plenty of depression there.

Please don't let your evident hatred of your boyfriend's mother colour your view of people who suffer from this condition. She doesn't represent all depressed people - certainly I do not resemble her in the slightest. When I have been in the pit I have fought and fought with all my strength to get out of it.

There are more productive approaches to this issue than making 'depressed people' your catch-all scapegoats.

In answer to your request for 'advice' (the part of your post that is not a hate-filled rant) I would suggest that your boyfriend's mother has problems that extend beyond any mere clinical diagnosis of depression. She clearly does not want to take responsibility for herself at all and as such may have some kind of personality disorder. People with these disorders may also suffer from depression but usually only as a secondary symptom. They are usually 'disorders of responsibility.'

My advice to you is that you and your boyfriend need to move out. You are both clearly 'enablers' - this woman is not incapacitated and is refusing to take action to heal herself. That is the basic problem, not her 'depression'. The only way she will come to terms with this is by tough love - i.e. if your boyfriend stops buoying her up and unconsciously reinforcing her lifestyle choice. If he refuses responsibility (as is his right and need, being a young adult) she will have to sink or swim. If she really is that depressed she should be under the care of a doctor.

I think she is mixing up 'can't' with 'won't'. Severely depressed people temporarily 'can't' function normally. Most of them fervently want to get better, however. People who 'won't' function normally are different to this. They are usually much harder - occasionally impossible - to treat if this is a deeply ingrained pattern of behaviour. Just don't fall into the trap of assuming that this is what depression always is. You couldn't be wider of the mark.

Please don't paint with such a wide brush. I think Cimmie said enough about why.

However, I am wondering if your bf's mother's problem is just depression -- it sounds as though she has some other problems going on. Perhaps a personality disorder, or an addiction? Of course, no one can truly diagnose someone online from vague descriptions. But her depression could be one manifestation stemming from a deeper problem... Just something to keep in mind.

Just don't slag off everyone with clinical depression as "utterly selfish, energy-consuming, slob of an excuse and ... useless." That's totally uncalled for and extremely unfair.

...

This post has made me so angry.

Everything Cimmie said I would just be repeating.

Ｉ want to write out exactly how Ｉ feel from a normal person's perspective： Ｄepression is such an utterly selfish, energy-consuming, slob of an excuse and makes for ＵＳＥＬＥＳＳ human beings. Ｓometimes

 

Ｓo Ｉ know this sounds cold, especially knowing that there are very depressed people here. Ｂut what's an average person to do to really help someone like that, without sacrificing their own happiness, life and goals？

You obviously have no clue what depression is.

I find it very offensive that you call depressed people useless. I just wrote a thesis on space based scientific research, but I'm useless by your standard. Thanks, really appreciate that.

I think you are being extremely selfish in your appraisal of the situation. She needs professional help, not your resentment. You expect her to broaden her empathy, why not take a page from your own book. Take her to a doctor, have her committed if need be, get her on medication.

Moderator Note. Please keep posts respectful.

And please remember that this forum exists to offer constructive advice - not to bash people with whom you disagree.

Anyone who has suffered depression can empathise with others who also do.

But it might also be fair to have some compassion for those who have to live with those folks. It ain't easy. If you read the circumstances the OP is living under for someone who is not a blood relative and all that she has to do and has done to help then you might realise the strain and pressure she is under.

Asking for compassion for the depressed is fine - but have some compassion from those who suffer the consequences of living with those who are depressed.

Moderator Note. Please keep posts respectful.

 

And please remember that this forum exists to offer constructive advice - not to bash people with whom you disagree.

 

Anyone who has suffered depression can empathise with others who also do.

 

But it might also be fair to have some compassion for those who have to live with those folks. It ain't easy. If you read the circumstances the OP is living under for someone who is not a blood relative and all that she has to do and has done to help then you might realise the strain and pressure she is under.

 

Asking for compassion for the depressed is fine - but have some compassion from those who suffer the consequences of living with those who are depressed.

Yes, but to say depression is an excuse and the people are useless etc, that IS offensive to me and other people. It's not exactly respectful.

I know probably living with people who have depression can be hard, but to say that is... just... ... horrible.

I think the OP is venting and suspect that the strain she is under has led her to generalise. If people try to understand and not attack but point out that not all people who suffer depression are the same and few are like her mother-in-law it would be more helpful, compassionate and useful -- not just to the OP but to others who suffer from it and who have to live with those who do.

...

I'll admit some people are like this, but it's not exactly the best way to deal with it, or to say things about people with depression, depression is an illness, not an excuse. Think of how the person with depression feels...

I did my best to be respectful, though I disagreed with her generalization. What you said, DN, crossed my mind too -- that she is venting because she has to deal with this situation, and it is hard on her. I truly think, though, that there is more going on with her bf's mother than just depression, at least from her description.

 

I think she is mixing up 'can't' with 'won't'. Severely depressed people temporarily 'can't' function normally. Most of them fervently want to get better, however. People who 'won't' function normally are different to this. They are usually much harder - occasionally impossible - to treat if this is a deeply ingrained pattern of behaviour. Just don't fall into the trap of assuming that this is what depression always is. You couldn't be wider of the mark.

As a person who has varying episodes of depression - there is more at work here. Wish I could say more but Cimmie summed up all I could say.

Moderator Note. Please keep posts respectful.

 

And please remember that this forum exists to offer constructive advice - not to bash people with whom you disagree.

 

Anyone who has suffered depression can empathise with others who also do.

 

But it might also be fair to have some compassion for those who have to live with those folks. It ain't easy. If you read the circumstances the OP is living under for someone who is not a blood relative and all that she has to do and has done to help then you might realise the strain and pressure she is under.

 

Asking for compassion for the depressed is fine - but have some compassion from those who suffer the consequences of living with those who are depressed.

I ws not attacking or bashing anyone.

I was pointng out the intolerance of the original post - and made very clear the distinction between 'depression' and other types of afflictions. Depressed people are ill and vulnerable and to stigmatize them as 'lazy' 'useless' or whining malingerers is factually incorrect.

I found the original post misleading and insulting, as would anyone who has suffered from this condition.

I think the OP is venting and suspect that the strain she is under has led her to generalise. If people try to understand and not attack but point out that not all people who suffer depression are the same and few are like her mother-in-law it would be more helpful, compassionate and useful -- not just to the OP but to others who suffer from it and who have to live with those who do.

^^

I pointed out exactly this in the second part of my post.

I am entirely aware that she is generalizing and am also aware of the strain people who live with the depressed are under. Usually, it is the stress of seeing someone you love retreat into despair and refuse life, believe they are worthless and evil, and want to die. Depressed people are not routinely abusive of others, which the woman described by the OP clearly is. Her 'strain' is more than the strain of living with a depressed person. As I and others have pointed out.

Kind of the same as when people bash an entire gender because they have suffered abuse at the hands of a few of its number, I expect. But only slightly the same.

It seems there is so much and so little to say here.

Certainly living with someone who is depressed can be difficult. It is frustrating when wounds and illness aren't visible. That said, I'm not entirely certain that you understand that depression is real and something no one can just "get over". Depression requires treatment, will, and the love of others.

I'm sorry that her behavior causes you so much frustration. I think you and your boyfriend need to have some frank, on-going discussions. With all the pent-up anger, resentment, and hostility expressed here, I'm left with questions about the future of your relationship.

Find some help for yourself, maybe it won't make a difference in her behavior, but it can help you cope. If you want to have a future with your boyfriend, go together. As with all things in life, you will find some peace when you shift focus to what you CAN do and CAN control, rather than letting that which is out of your hands consume you.

Good luck.

In my opinion, I think the most important point to remember here is that you cannot save her or change her. That is up to her. I can imagine how you and your boyfriend are feeling. I can imagine that your boyfriend is so worried about his mother, and loves her very much. And that the two of you are simply out of options. It can be so hard to watch someone you love fall apart.

Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them come to conclusions on their own. I had a friend once that would never listen to relationship advice. If you told her you didn't like her boyfriend, she'd become more comitted to him to show you that you were wrong (she has actually admitted that those were her intentions, I'm not speculating). But the minute I stopped talking and continued to be friends with her and support her emotionally, she started to realize for herself that this boyfriend was a jerk. I'm not suggesting that your boyfriend's mother is doing these things to make you upset, only that she probably doesn't see the struggle you two are facing because she has a lot of her own problems to deal with. If she's not ready to face these things, no amount of telling her she's wrong will help. If she was ready to face her problems, she would have posted here herself instead of you!

Taking her to a professional was the right thing to do, and if she refuses treatment, she should be on her own. I spent most of my college years depressed, and now I share a similar attitude towards my life as you do. It's not impossible, or uncommon, for people to work through their problems and depression or find good medication to cope with their stresses and come out the other side happier. It really is a beautiful thing to witness. And you and your boyfriend can communicate with her and tell her you will always be supportive of her if she wants something better for herself. You can tell her that you think she really needs to seek professional help (in a CARING, non-offensive way) and that you're telling her this because you love her so much and you want her to respect herself and take care of herself. Remember that you're dealing with someone that is probably much more emotionally sensitive than you are. If you can't handle saying these things to her without getting upset or angry about doing so much for her, write it down and read it over and over until you are sure that you get accross exactly what you mean to say - that you and your boyfriend are only asking this of her because you love her and she deserves more happiness out of life than she is allowing herself. But the important part to get accross, and the thing that didn't seem to come accross very well in your OP (and what seems to have some people upset) is that you are so frusterated about this because you want so much to help her because you love and care about her, and it isn't happening.

I would suggest, however, that your boyfriend do more communicating with her about this than you do. She will always love her son, no matter how tough the love he shows her is.

When I was depressed, my friends would call and I would cry to them on the phone and they would say "I wish you felt better, I'm worried about you, and I love you. I wish there was something I could do."

Honestly, now that I look back on it, that was the ONLY thing they could have done for me. They were supportive of me, told me how much they cared about me, and urged me to take care of myself. I sought professional help, I worked through my own problems, and I feel a lot better now. And those friends that stuck by me in my hardest times are my closest friends. I would do anything for them, because I know that what I put them through was so hard for them.

I hope that this helps. Good luck with your situation, and keep us in the loop as to how you handled the situation and how it worked out for you.

As with all things in life, you will find some peace when you shift focus to what you CAN do and CAN control, rather than letting that which is out of your hands consume you.

Honestly, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Cimmie said it a lot nicer than I would have.

I suffered from Post Partum depression...which was a strange experience because one day I was fine, then BAM! I'm so depressed I find myself thinking in ways I never thought I would and I was completely inable to live a normal life until I sought help.

I'm just curious though...people who live with handicapped people probably find it difficult and honestly, I think depression if left untreated can be a handicap...but would you say those things about a handicapped person?

I hope I got the point out the way I intended. I just know first hand how awful depression can be and how it can completely change a person to their very core. I know I wasn't able to even get out of bed. I cried all the time. It's not because I am a baby or whiney because I never was like that my entire life...I lived with my mother who is bi-polar and never could understand her mood swings. But all the sudden, I could.

This post does come off as very ignorant because depression is not a person's fault. On one hand though, at some point they should try to get help...has your bf's mother talked to a doctor about this? It can be a very hard step but it sounds like it needs to be done.

^^

I pointed out exactly this in the second part of my post.

 

I am entirely aware that she is generalizing and am also aware of the strain people who live with the depressed are under. Usually, it is the stress of seeing someone you love retreat into despair and refuse life, believe they are worthless and evil, and want to die. Depressed people are not routinely abusive of others, which the woman described by the OP clearly is. Her 'strain' is more than the strain of living with a depressed person. As I and others have pointed out.

 

Kind of the same as when people bash an entire gender because they have suffered abuse at the hands of a few of its number, I expect. But only slightly the same.

I totally agree.

The resentment and constant badgering this women has been getting to "snap out of it" is also probably making things worse. The very ineffectual treatments/mistreatments are most likely contributing more to the problem. Depression feeds itself and then having highly negative people around will escalate the internal feelings of no self worth and hopelessness.

I think if you read the OP's post more closely, I feel the wrong word was used.

I dont think the word "depression" fits the description of the person she is talking about.

IMO, The words egocentric, Narcsisstic would have been the words to describe the mother. I dont feel it is depression.

The post describes a self centered type person. The me,me,me set. No empathy. Usually it comes down to NPD.

That is how I interpeted it but everyone see's and reads things differently.

JMO

Sarge,

I agree. That's why I said the depression could be a manifestation of some other, deeper problem. But I don't blame others for taking offense, either. Many of us have been there, so it's easy to get offended by that unfair and sweeping generalization of "depressed people."

As for the OP, this does sound like a very hard woman to live with, and we should support her in her "vent" or whatever. But I also see nothing wrong in correcting her generalization. Perhaps we can all meet somewhere in the middle?

Agree Dawn

I think if the OP would do some more research or get the mom to a proffessional the words would change describing her. Which is what you were reffering to as a deeper problem.

I think if you read the OP's post more closely, I feel the wrong word was used.

 

I dont think the word "depression" fits the description of the person she is talking about.

 

IMO, The words egocentric, Narcsisstic would have been the words to describe the mother. I dont feel it is depression.

 

The post describes a self centered type person. The me,me,me set. No empathy. Usually it comes down to NPD.

 

That is how I interpeted it but everyone see's and reads things differently.

 

JMO

I agree too.

Hard to know on the basis of the OP's description though.

I understand that people who suffer from depression are offended by this post and that they take it personally. I wish the OP had made the thread about her particular situation and her boyfriends' mother instead of generalising about everyone who suffers from depression.

But what I am asking you to do is to look past the generalisation and see what is driving it. She is asking for advice and support because of the situation in which she finds herself and because she posted as she did she is simply getting criticised by people who take what she said personally. That is understandable but not helpful.

Her life has become about her boyfriend's mother.

Her own life and her relationship have become secondary considerations in the house in which she lives. The money that she works hard to earn goes to supporting a woman who cannot or will not attempt to support herself.

She spends much of her time cleaning up after her, cooking for her, and listening to her complaints. She does the best that she can, in as compassionate a way as she can, to help, support and advise - and is rejected and has to hear nothing but complaints instead of gratitude. She feels overwhelmed, under-appreciated and trapped in a life that is becoming harder and harder to bear.

She has no obligations of blood family to this woman but has undertaken them anyway because of her love for her boyfriend and because of her humanitarianism.

She sees no escape from this servitude other than the eventual passing of her boyfriends mother or abandoning her to her fate - or losing the man she loves.

She feels trapped by duty and love - and every day she awakens with no hope that this day will be better than the last.

I don't wonder she is bitter and is misled into an unfair generalisations. Life has not exactly been fair to her at the moment.

It is a wonder she maintains her sanity so people might cut her a little slack.

After all - how many people are in her position and have done as much and sacrificed so much for another human being?

Asiana

I have read your post a couple of times. You and your boyfriend will not be able to fix his mom, no matter how hard you try.

You will destroy yourself trying.

Her problem is not depression. Do some research. Ask her pshycologist. She is most likely damaged for life.

You need to worry about you and your boyfriends lifes. Sounds as if everyone else has given up on her. What does that tell you. You are in a tuff situation but you need to put distance between her and your lifes. How? Only you know how much can be tolerated or accepted. Making her your sole objective in life will not work for you. You have done everything possible!!

Take care of yourself first

Maybe its time for his mom to see reality.

Good luck

I didn't set out to anger those of you with depression, nor do I have any gain in doing so; I sought advice with the state of mind I was/am in. And without taking back the words I said in frustration that day, I still think it was better to be brutally candid in what I thought even if it sounds ignorant and causes controversy than it is to hide myself behind the politically correctness. It's likely that other non-professionals think far worse than I do, and you can't expect us all to know the roots of depression. So yes, you're right: there's a lot of annoyance toward this depressed woman, not because I started out resenting her, but because her constant negativity/laziness/selfishness has been corroding our spirits and pulling us down in every way possible.

Operating in an increasingly vicious and competitive world... and me having spent time in Third World destitution, I've only had so-much compassion and understanding for someone who labels herself depressed and expects people to constantly comfort her and to "save" her from her own feelings of suicidal worthlessness. And you're right: this is what I perceive as an unfair downgrade coming from successful independence to being someone's servant---who is also a financial/emotional/time drain. Also what's more noticeable is that I came from a healthy well-off family and we never put this immense strain on my boyfriend...nor wanted him to pay rent and my family really put forth generosity towards taking care of him, as parents should. So..."hatred toward her" might be offensive, and I don't mind y'all disliking me, but for anyone to contribute 90% of the effort to build a healthy relationship with a future mother-in-law? Depression may not be her fault... but it's not mine either, what allegiance I owe towards her is through supporting my partner. Her own family has ditched responsibility because they haven't had the resources to deal with her debilitating and vortex (note: bf's brother became alcoholic as a teen) and according to my boyfriend, the main reason he transformed and started to do very well in school and has a rewarding lucrative job, was because I was the positive contrast to his depressed mother. She's a social outcast for a reason; nobody needs a parasitic relationship...sorry, but that's what it is. I'm saying stuff here that I can't possibly say to HER, hoping that some of those with depression know what to do.

Anyone can say it's an uncontrollable illness and make alibis for her and take her side just because "you've been there," but, as far as contribution to society she has been useless and a burden. She lashes at people for things that is her own carelessness. She really seems to seek things to complain and be cynical about. She's a slob and dirty (she dropped oatmeal on the carpet, screams "oh sh*t, I can't deal with this" and is "too stressed out because of depression" to clean it up, so after a warm day, it's rancid with flies/ants.) and has a notion that money can buy her out. She gets offended when we don't want to hear about her alien conspiracy theories---which, always leads to paranoia and anxiety. It's brainless idiocy added with self-absorbed prejudice. Attitudes are contagious and hers can bring everyone around them down. You could find better role models on the Jerry Springer Show.

Thanks to those who gave constructive advice. I'll tell you what's been working and what's not.

What Works.

• Apparently, fooling her. She takes out cake mix to satisfy her craving...I hide it away, and she forgets and is too lazy to find it. Or preparing food and giving a French/Italian name so she thinks it's classy. "Tonight it's coque au gratin and tomatillos-du-vin." (Yes, I'm faking the language.)
  
• Provide her with store certificates instead of checks/money. She got exasperated, upset and offended that we wouldn't give her a check because it controlled her spending, but I've decided that all the money coming straight from us will be spent at the designated groceries/stores instead of her manic spending whims.
  
• Cooking exceptionally with premium ingredients will also dissuade her from attempting to microwave TV dinner, but I just have to be insensitive to her disparaging comments to me, and somehow not be bothered when she wastes it or throws it in the trash after a few bites. Believe me, the last part makes me so annoyed it makes me want to scream.
  
• Myself escaping the house a few hours a day with my iPod, for sanity and fresh air. Often times when I'm focused, I pretend I can't hear her because I'm listening to music. She gets tired of trying to get my attention.
  

What's Not Working

• Anytime we encourage her to do something good for herself. Or start healthy habits, like cleaning after herself. She just complains about things that're untrue: "You know, I work my a$$ off all day, slaving away in the kitchen, and I don't need this." --uh, technically, I'm the one up by dawn and being her servant.
  
• We can't bring up any of her vices in a negative light or advise her---I can't tell her take a walk, she feels like I'm "telling her what to do." And I can't be "too good" lest she feels inadequate. Once, I was cheerful about organizing my room and the virtues of exercise, she had a meltdown of self-pity depression about not-being-good-enough and was debilitated for a few days. This sucks because as I truly find meaning in discipline and I loathe untidiness, so to intentionally leave things messy or do things badly, or devise mistakes where she has to teach me how to do something correctly, and compliment that when it's crap, drives me insane.
  
• Bringing up worse problems in the world than her situation. Nothing about her depression is trivial, it's apparently necessary that we all feel compassionate toward her and be her unconditional friend. Because she needs us. What has she done to reciprocate or encourage us? Nothing. Okay, so what if I've dealt with brutal conditions in developing countries and I've worked alongside poor women in such deplorable conditions (AIDS, of domestic abuse, being sold into prostitution by their parents, of rape) that they've tried to burn themselves alive for real hopelessness. We've managed to be positive and productive under abject and unfair and squalid conditions, I don't see how a depressed person here can forsake all gratitude and privileges and focus on the one singular thing that isn't going ideally in their life...and expect everyone else to accommodate emotionally/time/encouragement for this illness. Especially when it's something preventable like overdue bills or ants crawling all around the house. She moans about being alone and not having friends anywhere else(...wonder why.) I guess that's why I call it selfish and childish.

It may be heartless for me to want to make her face cruel reality, but, face it: "reality" in the US is easy compared to parts of the developing world, and her behavior haven't changed for twenty years. She's on so many depression pills and pharamceuticals, she's like a cancer on society. She's so emotionally volatile that telling her not to stop eating brownies/cake/butter makes her throw a tantrum so we have to comfort her. Can you imagine what we could have done with that energy instead? I have never sunk so much time/effort on a single human being. In 3-5 years, her finances are going to collapse and we are the only ones financially solvent to help her out. But the inevitable question is: reality is going to smack bitterly hard, how much are we willing to see her really suffer, and can we consciously wash our hands of her own mess or possible suicide? She is...his mother...after all. Remember, right now we have to pay her rent to keep her afloat.

Question: If I can't tell her to quit overspending and making rash emotional decisions, even if it's blamed on depression, why should I ever have to bail her out when she's obese, jobless, cynical, and out of money? It sounds harsh, but if this continues, there's going to be a point where I'm going to be relieved that she wants to commit suicide. I'm telling you, she cannot see past this week, and she's spending on escapism to avoid thinking about impending disaster. Imagine real problems: like health problems without medication. Like mortages. Like stuff everyone else has to deal with.