My wife and her ex

Hi everyone

I'm glad I found this forum, as I just want to get something off my chest:

I've been happily married for 9 years. Recently my wife started corresponding with an ex-boyfriend via email. Here is some background info:

- They were 'partners' about 20 years ago when my wife was about 19

- The relationship lasted for about a year

- He was a cheat during the relationship

- He ended the relationship

- He has been described by my mother-law as a 'womaniser' but she is generally complimentary about him.

- My understanding of him is that he is a likeable rogue.

- My wife had a couple of serious, longer term relationships between her relationship with him and me.

- He initiated the recent correspondance, and in fact they had had no contact at all in nearly 20 years before this.

- My wife has (to the best of my knowledge) always been faithful and I have never had reason to distrust her.

- He is married with kids

- We have kids

Anyway, she has obviously been flattered by the fact that this guy has got in touch (she has said this to me), and after exchanging emails for a few weeks they have agreed to meet for a coffee. This involves my wife driving for about 45 mins to go to see him.

For some reason I feel really jealous. I am (almost) certain that her intentions are honourable from a sexual fidelity point of view, but I can't help feeling insecure about the situation. She says she is meeting him out of 'curiosity'. She initiated the meeting.

I suppose I don't like the idea of my wife being flirtatious with another guy, particularly an ex-boyfriend.

Is it unusual for me to feel this way? They're only going for a coffee for gods sake!

of course it's normal for you to feel this way!everyone has their jealous moments.

honestly i dont think you have any reason to worry,afterall your wife is telling you everything that is happening with her and her ex-boyfriend. it would be a different story if she was hiding it from you. she obviously realises that you have a strong marriage.

you are entitled to feel jealous but try not to let it affect your marriage. speak to your wife and let her know your a little worried as to what her ex-boyfriend's intentions are. without doubt she'll reassure you that no matter what his intentions are hers are completely innocent. make sure to tell her you love her before she leaves to meet him, she might just want to reassure herself that she has a better life without this 'womaniser' and show him the same. goodluck!

No, it is not unusual for feeling this way.

Have you told your wife how you feel about this?

If they had a history of friendship, or had a friendship after the break up, I might not view it as harshly, but in my opinion a married woman should not be acting this way, especially initiating a meaning.

I don't see any good that can come of this.

well i guess you have to let her go, and you shouldnt make a big issue of it - as you say, its only coffee.

but MAN, i would be feeling exactly the same as you dude. i would positively hate it!

i think she's playing with fire, and i think she's being insensitive towards you.

Yes, I have told her that I don't feel comfortable about it. I actually told her that I wasn't 100% comfortable with the emails too, and that I was worried that it would lead to them meeting up. This was all discussed before she arranged the meeting.

I am worried that she might make meeting up with him into a semi-regular thing. I know that this it is probably unlikely but it still bothers me.

She puts it down to me being paranoid and jealous, and describes meeting up with this guy as 'just meeting an old friend'. She is perfectly pleasant to me about it, and is reassuring in some ways. But she is still meeting the guy!

The trouble is I don't want to scream and shout at her about it as really she isn't doing anything (particularly) wrong. But at the same time I don't like it and I want her to know I don't like it.

Thanks

Personally if that was my partner I would be feeling the exact same way. I would expect him to respect me enough not to go ahead with it as I don't understand the sudden 'need' of an out of the blue meeting if they haven't spoken in 20 years.

 

She puts it down to me being paranoid and jealous, and describes meeting up with this guy as 'just meeting an old friend'. She is perfectly pleasant to me about it, and is reassuring in some ways. But she is still meeting the guy!

 

The trouble is I don't want to scream and shout at her about it as really she isn't doing anything (particularly) wrong. But at the same time I don't like it and I want her to know I don't like it.

 

Thanks

Of course she is calling you paranoid and jealous; you don't like what she is doing so it must be your fault.

He isn't an "old friend" he is an old boyfriend that she was with for ONE YEAR 20 years ago. If she knew the guy for years I might be a little more understanding. Your wife and this other guy should be more concerned with their kids and spouses than some fling 20 years ago. That in itself is a big red flag to me.

Other than telling her that you don't like it, I don't believe there is anything else you can do. The fact that she is so dismissive of your feelings in order to meet some chode from twenty years ago would speak volumes to me.

Of course she is calling you paranoid and jealous; you don't like what she is doing so it must be your fault.

 

He isn't an "old friend" he is an old boyfriend that she was with for ONE YEAR 20 years ago. If she knew the guy for years I might be a little more understanding. Your wife and this other guy should be more concerned with their kids and spouses than some fling 20 years ago. That in itself is a big red flag to me.

 

Other than telling her that you don't like it, I don't believe there is anything else you can do. The fact that she is so dismissive of your feelings in order to meet some chode from twenty years ago would speak volumes to me.

Agree with this 100%

me too.

that was spot-on.

Heres how I would handle this.

Dig up an old ex girlfriends, or better yet friend with benefits phone number or email. Look them up online whatever... then beging talking to them and arrange to go meet them. Just tell your wife you are 'curious'.

Im sure she wont have any sort of problems with that. I mean, its totally innocent and appropriate.

And then ask your wife these questions:

Why are you going to meet this guy.

What are you 'curious' about.

What good is going to come of this?

Now that you feel its ok to do this, will you be bothered that Im going to do the same thing?

Oh by the way, the divorce papers would be signed and on the kitchen table when she returned from her trip. Id be out fishing and already emotionally checked out of that situation as I definitely think somethings wrong if shes going to meet this guy.

He isn't an "old friend" he is an old boyfriend that she was with for ONE YEAR 20 years ago. If she knew the guy for years I might be a little more understanding. Your wife and this other guy should be more concerned with their kids and spouses than some fling 20 years ago. That in itself is a big red flag to me.

I am the odd one out here, dude. I am always the voice of the minority on this issue, and am becoming even more so over time as I read these kinds of posts and what other people answer. But let me give you a spin on this from the "other side":

20 years ago, I was dating a "likeable rogue". I was 19. We broke up for a variety of reasons after about a year, some having to do with his possessiveness, though I was really, really into him. I was going to college and besides his jealousy of my associations with other guys there, he also was demanding time away from my studies that was difficult. Anyway, the bottom line is that after we parted ways, I didn't see him all this while (except once on the highway 8 years ago when I happened to pass him and his gf, as their car was broken down, and I helped call for assistance.) Again, he disappeared from my life.

Well, he called me up about 6 months ago in dire despair: his life had fallen apart. His gf had dumped him, then his father died, then he lost his job of 16 years when the company folded. He was living off unemployment at his overbearing mom's house at 42. He had returned to his drinking habit, which he's kicked all these years. But he was in such a super low, he thought of reaching out to call "someone who was always dear and precious to him, that he'd never forgotten, that he felt thankful for." I was very touched by this call. He clearly wanted just to express all this, and to have a shoulder to cry on. Well, that developed into us having periodic chats on the phone. I am also grieving the loss of a very important relationship, and my own heartbreak. So we shared stories, and I kept up with how his job search was doing, making suggestions. We got together to chat at my apartment a couple of times, as any friend would who needed a chat late at night. I helped him fill out some online applications and so forth, and about 1 month ago, as his unemployment benefits were about to expire, he landed the best job he could. He is starting to climb back up now, though for 6 months, he felt like hanging himself. It was a rough patch. And he has told me that I was there for him when no one else was. That is the kind of friend I want to be to ALL my friends. Because it is the kind of friend I want, too.

But this is what he's told me: that when he gets a girlfriend again (though he's still not over his ex), we will have to part ways again. I will not get to hang out with him, nor chat on the phone. I will be put into that box again, closed with a key, and put in the attic. He just told me this the other day, and I cried, thinking, we are here as friends in this life to take care of eachother in ways, to support one another. Friends, true friends, are gold. Yes, we spent only a short time many years ago together, but there is still a caring for one another. He said he will ALWAYS feel this for me, but out of the wish to show his new gf that he is completely loyal to her, he would have to sever this. So basically, what am I supposed to do with this information? I want to continue to hang with him and laugh over DVDs, and go to a show now and then for his company, or have a coffee or whatnot, and then I am supposed to know inside my heart that this is all going to go away, it's time-limited.

Mind you, in the convos about the "good ol' days" we have also revisted the reasons we broke up and found it almost funny that we still disagree about things and are pretty much the same now: he still thinks it's disrespectful for a girl to go to a party or a club, or a concert with someone of the opposite sex who is a "friend only." While I believe this should be tolerated, so long as the love in the primary relationship at all times remains paramount and strong. I don't think relationships with people of the opposite sex threaten the foundation of a strong relationship; only something internally unstable is going to fall apart. Which is not the fault of any other social dealings, it's the fault of the relationship itself that falls apart. It's just a convenient scapegoat this society puts on the "extramarital social intercourse."

So, we have very different ideas of what will happen when we find our next beloved. I would tell my next bf, this guy is my friend, we go way back, and have recently reconnected, but he has his life and love pursuits and I have you. Please accept that I LOVE YOU as a partner, and that in this way, he is the PAST. He is only in the present a friend who I enjoy sharing certain things with, like our musical tastes and reflections about personal growth. There is no danger here.

Meanwhile, I will be dumped by him as a friend out of "respect" for his new lady. He says he will always be my friend...well what kind of friend is he if he is no longer able to talk to me, meet with me anywhere, share anything anymore? We are friends in spirit, but not in actuality? Okay, if that's what your definition of "friend" is. I feel really hurt by this, as my loyalty to his friendship apparently goes further than his loyalty to me. In fact, he apparently has none to me, it will ALL go to his gf. In fact, he told me that he has no need for a woman friend, particularly an ex, if he has all he wants and needs with the woman in his life. So basically, if he gets a gf, I am rendered pointless, right?

Of course, I'm not supposed to have these feelings, right? I have no designs on him as romance goes, because we both know we are looking for something else. We don't fit. We didn't then and we don't now. I asked him, what if his new gf is accodomating enough to not want him to just be so narrow-focused and is secure that they are strong. He said he wouldn't even want to give her the slightest chance to feel insecure. Well, again, if you want to live your life with this kind of phobic protectiveness both ways, god bless you.

So I am sadly preparing to have to detach from him. Why does this have to happen? Because of some rules. It makes me very, very, very sad and feel insignificant. Like this is the thanks I get for being there for him. I have not called him since he told me that I was basically here for the time being until he gets a gf, which is all the female company he needs.

So what do you think of that?

By the way, to the poster who I quoted above: you say you'd be more understanding if it was a longstanding relationship, not just some thing one year long 20 years ago. Well a lot could be said the other way around: that it is even more just a curiosity now, since it was 20 years ago. That's why there are high school reunions, so people can see how the people that mattered to them turned out. This is quite a bit less threatening than the ex she has retained all these years, as if he was a flame that never went out, don't you think? Either way, I am all for keeping friendships alive and re-igniting them -- knowing, OP, that you are happily married with kids, and that your love together with your wife is what matters at the end of the day. Your feelings are understandable, but you have to deal with them internally now that she is aware of them. She cannot make you feel better about this, it's your job. She is not being insensitive here just because she cannot cater to these feelings.

Jealousy is about ME, not the other person. I have learned this, and once I see the truth of that, I have to make it my work, not theirs, to overcome my feelings. It is hard, and takes a lot of personal owning your feelings, but no one can make you feel secure in what you have when it's good but you.

TiredOfVampires -

I think this guy sounds like a useless ahole that is using you when it's convenient for him. Nuff said about that.

To the OP -

I'm curious, why isn't she inviting you along? I mean... She's curious, you're curious... why can't you satisfy your curiosity together??

Ask her if you can come along. See what she says. If it's a no, I'd be wondering what she's up to. I agree with the other posters. It does not look good for her, that she's willing to make you uncomfortable for this guy.

Kalika, thanks for your supportive words for me.

But I do feel this pertains very much to the OP: because suppose the OP's wife's friend (the guy from 20 years ago) feels much as I do about my friendship with my ex? I was presenting my situation not just to gain some sympathy here (thank you though), but to show that the motivatoins of the people involved should be important. You say my friend (ex) is acting like an a-hole who is going to just dispense with me -- true, mabye, but then why can't this example be transferred to the OP's situation? If his wife doesn't want to be an a-hole to her past friendships and connections, shouldn't she be allowed to get together with him just the same way that I would like my new bf to understand that I have this ex/friend? And shouldn't he not be an a-hole to me by not scrapping me once he gets a girl? For him not to be an a-hole though would be going against what every other poster is saying here, that for him and I to continue to associate would be "red flags."

Our continuing to associate is the same situation as the OP's wife and her old bf, as I see it. Why then would you say my ex/friend should honor our friendship even when we get new SOs, but the OP should be worried about this and intolerant?

Hope that question wasn't too confusing. I'm just trying to draw a parallel between me and my situation, and the OP's wife's situation with her long ago friend to show how unfounded the fears are, and how it wouldn't be fair to try to stop her.

Our continuing to associate is the same situation as the OP's wife and her old bf, as I see it. Why then would you say my ex/friend should honor our friendship even when we get new SOs, but the OP should be worried about this and intolerant?

The way I see it, your friend's commitment to you is nonexistant, whereas this is OP's wife of many years. I feel for your situation, but I'm not sure that one is comparable to the other. I think you have been the victim of Bad Friendship Syndrome, where you are putting more into your friendship than the other person is. I don't think there is a friendship between you and him if he can just walk away in the first place. When you're married to someone, that's a totally different situation, as the one OP is in.

There's nothing wrong with catching up with old friends, as OP's wife is doing. But the way she's going about it is wrong. He told her it made him uncomfortable that they might meet up. Knowing this, she made plants to meet up with him sans hubby. Furthermore, OP is still objecting, and she's still ignoring his objections.

I don't see what good could possibly come of her going that far out of her way to see her ex boyfriend, but I think that as long as she's willing to include OP in the mix, no problem. If she's demonstrating an unwillingness to do that, I would seriously be questioning her motives.

Couldnt have said it any better myself. Very well said. vampire your friend is using you, end of story. OP your wife is clearly not abiding by the normal boundaries of a relationship. Going out on a 'date' with an ex of years past is clearly in shady territory to say the least.

Thanks again, Kalika and Rabican for your support, but I think you misunderstood my parallel to the OP's situation (and his wife's):

Let me try to clarify --

I am not comparing my relationship with my ex bf of 20 years ago to the OP's 9 year marriage with his wife. Not at all, there is no comparison.

I am comparing my relationship with my ex bf of 20 years ago to the OP's wife's relationship with her ex bf of 20 years ago. Comparing this to my case, if my ex/friend got a gf, in the eyes of the girl he gets with, I am like the equivalent to the OP's wife's ex, who she wants to have coffee with.

And then from there, I am saying if you think the OP's wife is in "shady territory" to go see him alone, wouldn't my ex/friend be also in "shady territory" to see me (alone) for coffee when he finds a new SO? I'm saying that if my friendship with him should last, and he should not treat me as a discardable connection in his life, then that means we would continue to relate and see eachother from time to time, even if we find new love partners, right?

So if I get a bf, and I want to get together with my ex/friend for a coffee (or dare I even say it, a movie or an event of mutual interest) does that make me "shady"?

I see the wife here as being how I might be wanting to keep my friendship with this ex/friend of mine. I think we could want to get together without our partners involved and it not be "shady" at all, just as it's not "shady" right now, don't you think?

Anything else, is, as you call, it, Shoddy Friendship Treatment. Well, if you think he is using me, then doesn't that mean that once he has an SO and so do I, we shouldn't just "dump" eachother as friends? He is taking the postion we should because of the very same reasoning that these posts reflect: that is it would look "shady" to the new lady in his life!

So how does it work that he and I continue to be friends yet we shouldn't, by this thread, even get together for coffee to chat alone?

I hope I made the distinctions clear....?

 

 

So what do you think of that?

 

Frankly, I think it is sad that this person chooses to unload all this crap on you only to tell you that you will be cast aside when he finds his next girlfriend. I would give this guy about as much regard as I would a blade of grass.

To the OP. I would nip this silly crap in the bud and tell my wife to get a new hobby besides contacting ex boyfriends. This is what nine years of marriage gets you? Your wife looking up some 2 pump dump from 20 years ago? If my wife did that I'd be frickin pissed beyond belief.

Frankly, I think it is sad that this person chooses to unload all this crap on you only to tell you that you will be cast aside when he finds his next girlfriend. I would give this guy about as much regard as I would a blade of grass.

Hey dude, I appreciate the moral support, I do.

The thing that is confusing me here is that people have said this ex/friend of mine is being a jerk to want to cast me aside when he finds his next girlfriend. And YET, all the blame on this thread (and many others) is pointed at women like me and the OP's wife (or men counterparts) who want to maintain a friendship with exes while in primary relationships.

It seems like people here are objecting to the OPs wife doing what she's doing, but I"m saying, how is this different from me wanting to still maintain a connection with my ex, in light of us getting new partners? Would he be told if he came to this board with a new gf, who is jealous, "Just stop seeing your old ex (me), since it is 'red flags' to want to keep having coffee with someone from that long ago."

Am I getting the point accross? It seems maybe I'm not getting through or something. It seems to be a contradiction that people are siding with me that my buddy (ex) shouldn't just discard me when he gets a gf, but once he does, the morality I've seen here is that he owes her total exclusivity and not getting together with me because I'm a threat and he'd be very insensitive to be loyal to our friendship even if she doesn't like it.

How is my situation with my ex different from the OP's wife with her ex (except that hers is even more casual and acquaintance-like at this point)?

Anything else, is, as you call, it, Shoddy Friendship Treatment. Well, if you think he is using me, then doesn't that mean that once he has an SO and so do I, we shouldn't just "dump" eachother as friends? He is taking the postion we should because of the very same reasoning that these posts reflect: that is it would look "shady" to the new lady in his life

It's okay to have friends while you're in a relationship. Why hasn't he offered to have you meet his new woman? Or something to that effect? Have you over to their place for a barbecue? This isn't friendship. He's stupid enough to think that he can avoid all his other friends to avoid conflict, but that's not any way to go about having a relationship. That doesn't prove anything whatsoever, other than the fact that he's a bad friend who dates extremely insecure women and then goes overboard trying to placate their concerns.

If I ever had a friend who just dumped me when he found a relationship, and wouldn't talk to me ever again, I would never speak to him again. If I have boyfriends, I don't dump my guy friends. I just invite my bf to hang out with us or vice versa. It's never been an issue because I go out of my way to make everyone comfortable. Whatever jealousy a boyfriend of mine may have is eased when he gets to meet my guy friends and see how they are as people and as friends.

No one here is "blaming" the ex boyfriend. He's irrelevant to this entire thing, for the most part. His intentions could be totally platonic. The issue is OP's wife being extremely inconsiderate of her husband, and doing something above his protests.

-The bottom line is, this makes OP uncomfortable. He has stated so. His wife went ahead with making plans to meet up WITHOUT HIM. That's a problem. Why doesn't she include him? Invite him along to their gettogether so ex boyfriend can meet the man she married? I doubt OP would have much objection to the scenario if he were asked to come along and meet him as well (as long as he could remain civil to Ex Boyfriend).

if my mrs did this i'd tell her to get herself to fcuk.

i know i said earlier that he should let her go, but i've reassessed.

i wouldnt be able to deal with it.

I can't believe how draconian and extreme peolple are here.

You're married to someone with a good, solid marriage for 9 years. Then one of the partners decides to get together for coffee for old time's sake with a partner from a generation ago who has his own life and family, and posters here are preparing her head for the guillotine and her ass for divorce papers.

A coffee with an old friend is such a crime.

WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?

Kalika, I see what you're saying.

And I am all for the idea of my guy friends and their gf's, or me and my new bf, meeting with eachother to get acquainted and familiar with one another. That would be great.

But I am wondering, since you also like me have guy friends (and this relates to the OP's wife and what she's wanting to do), if there aren't occasions when you don't get together with said platonic friends just one-on-one? Here are 3 scenarios I can think of where this is part of a good, close, meaningful friendship:

-- you and the friend want to share things from your past (memories, stories, etc.) or interests in the present in an involved convo or even actitivity that your SO doesn't share, which would make them feel like a 3rd wheel

-- you and the friend want to discuss things of sensitive personal nature that you wouldn't expose to your SO; one of these instances are things your friend wants to share about a private matter that they don't want your SO to know about; another is something you may want their input on about your relationship that your friend can offer advice on to give you some feedback; these are obviously not conversations that should include your SO, and are more private and confidential than barbeque afternoon material (and you are not suggesting that as a FRIEND, there is no latittude for private, confidential time?)

-- when you have gone a long time without seeing the friend, (like, 20 years!) you don't quite know what to expect and will want to get "reaquainted" with the person before you introduce them to all the other people in your life. Get a feel for who they are, catch up on the time gap news, all of that. Again, the SO will not have any relevancy to many of the topics that will be discussed and it will be very awkward. It almost seems premature to include the SO before even meeting this person who is practically a stranger after all these years; there is a time for getting one's bearings, I think, before inviting him to dinner or a barbeque

Doesn't all of this just make total sense?

I guess I feel that knowing that I would not have any "shady" agenda if I were the OPs wife and can see myself in her shoes, as well as in the shoes of her ex/friend, I feel it's rather harsh to ascribe such blameworthiness to her. It just sounds so very innocent to me, and if indeed it IS innocent and it bothers her partner and he's let her know, what about his feelings just being plain unreasonable? If the wife and her friend will continue to maintain the friendship, there is plenty of time to get to know eachother's spouses, all in good time -- it doesn't have to be at an ititial meeting! And if this meeting is all there is, then why would the OP even have a leg to stand on when the whole thing is insignificant?

TiredOf-

Of course there will be situations where I want to meet with my friends alone, like if they're having a problem and want to talk to me privately or something like that.. but this isn't really the case here. He told her specifically that he didn't want them to meet, and she went ahead and made plans.. Do I think this is divorceworthy? In and of itself, of course not. But what if this continues? And she keeps meeting her ex away from her husband?

The bottom line is, I'm questioning her intentions in the first place because she's going way above and beyond the call of duty to meet with him. (aka doing it against her husband's wishes, driving nearly an hour to meet him, etc). In a perfect world, this would be okay, but the reality is, she's setting herself up to have an emotional affair with this guy.

For this first meeting anyways, she should have offered to bring hubby along.

 

- They were 'partners' about 20 years ago when my wife was about 19

- The relationship lasted for about a year

- He was a cheat during the relationship

- He initiated the recent correspondance, and in fact they had had no contact at all in nearly 20 years before this.

 

Why is it "Draconian and Extreme" when people give advice to a guy who's wife has blatantly ignored his feelings to hang out with some two pump dump from twenty years ago?

While I do believe there is a slight chance this would be an innocent meeting, it is a chance I wouldn't want to take/accept. Some dude emailing his wife from twenty years ago when there was no really friendship previously clearly indicates this guy probably has a crappy marriage and is looking to relive his youth.