"Sometimes love isn't enough"--Is this true?

Is is true that sometimes love isn't enough? Is it true that sometimes too much has happened between two people to make it work, even if the feelings are there?

My thoughts have always been if you love someone enough, you will work through the tough stuff. Some people disagree, and say that sometimes love isn't always enough, and that sometimes the issues just seem like too much to handle, even if you love the other person dearly. Is this unrealistic of me to think? I've started to think that I maybe have some unrealistic notions of love, and I'm trying to get some perspective on things.

no love isent all you need and its not enough. if a person is abusive i may still have feelings but i'll be damned if i gotta come home too some bottomfeeder throwin plates at me. or calling me out of my name. i dont knock people who try and work it out but me, cheating and the slightest notion of abuse will cause me too leave a person, i can do better than that.

Love is not enough.. it's about "love combined with effort" and two people have to both want to make an effort to love... and they need to share a common definition of what "being loved, and loving" means to them. Sharing values, goals, and encouraging each other without ego/power struggles or jealousy..but with kindness and understanding..even through the tough times..healthy love takes intentional effort, respect, willingness and a shared sense of values in order to grow into a long term healthy relationship where both people can maintain thier individual identity and still give to each other in a full loving way.. this requires "intentional effort" not just "feelings".

Too be honest it's difficult to say and every situation is different.

Love can be enough to make things work if the feelings both sides are there and the dramas in the relationship were not too serious.. If physical hurt to one or another was involved, I could see someone wanting to be out of a relationship like that love or not and I would kinda agree..

So it's one of those how long is a piece of string questions, there is no right or wrong answer really in my opinion as it depends on those involved, their feelings and whats happened..

Andy

I used to think that love was always enough, but after all the crap I went through before my ex broke up with me...I now believe that sometimes love isn't enough. Maybe I'm wrong though or just cynical and also remember that I'm not some love expert or something. And who knows...maybe in my case my ex simply didn't love me enough or maybe she didn't love me as much as she said that she did...and maybe that's why it didn't work out. But from my recent experience it looks like sometimes the other person may have too many issues or personality problems that prevent them from wanting to work it out even if they do still love the other person. I think sometimes past events or personality issues can get in the way of love and mess everything up to the point where there is truly no way for things to work out. Like I said, maybe I'm just cynical though.

My thoughts have always been if you love someone enough, you will work through the tough stuff. .

That's not an automatic function. People can love each other but fail to communicate or resolve problems due to a lack of skills, maturity or other obstacles.

Hey there,

I have to agree, love is not enough but love itself is a motivating and compelling factor for other aspects of a relationship. Aspects such as communication, sacrifice, compromise, loyalty, passion and integrity. But love alone is just not enough.

I have watched to very good friends of mine fall into that trap. They are both divorced and when they found each other, they were like love-sick teenagers. All they did was makeout and be all googly-eyed. However, they had so many odds stacked against them and they both got out of very painful marriages and divorces. They each have two kids. They mistakenly felt their love for each other will conquer all. Nope, 6 years later, all they do is fight, scream at each other, and fight about how to raise one another's kids. After awhile, I hated going over their house. When all four of those kids all reach teenage-hood, I really do not think they are going to make it.

So this example with my friends only solidifies my opinion that love is just not enough.

Thanks for the thoughts...I just got out of a very serious relationship, where we had a big issue come down, and it seemed to push the guy over the edge. I honestly don't feel like he ever stopped loving me, but in his words he felt like "this had done too much damage to the relationship" and we were just too far apart. I was willing to work through this issue with him, because I loved him, and I can't understand why if he felt the same way, he wasn't willing to try and work through it.

I guess I am trying to decide if sometimes it just gets to the point when even if you love someone with all your heart, you truly feel like the problem is just too big and you can't get past it. Or if, in reality, you love that person, but just not enough to try and work it out.

I am going back to the example of my friends, I am sure they love each VERY much; however, love is NOT preventing the issues they are having. Without delving into much detail, they are having VERY serious issues. When they decided to move in together and eventually get married, they did not discuss anything. Like how they were going to raise the kids, how they were going to discipline them, how they were going to divide of chores, who was going to do what, when. They were so enamored with one another, so in love that they felt the love they have with one another would cause everything to fall into place, to make everything okay. Like love conquers all kind of thing. Well, it has not, there house is like a war-zone. It is a truly heartbreaking to see for all those involved.

There are many other things that have to go into a relationship besides love in order to make it work. Sometimes I see a relationship as a full time job, a lot of work, loyalty, communication, sacrifice that goes into it, something two people have to work at on a continual basis. And the two people have to want it enough in order to keep working on it, and love itself and only love is not enough.

Thanks alot...I guess I have to agree. I'm just going through a confusing time right now...trying to figure out how someone who I loved so much, and supposedly loved me, wouldn't feel like we could work things out.

I guess I need to understand that not everyone loves like me, thinks about love like me, etc. Its just really hard. I think I may have some idyllic, unrealistic ideas about everything, so I'm just trying to get clarity and hopefully help myself to understand!

Thanks alot...I guess I have to agree. I'm just going through a confusing time right now...trying to figure out how someone who I loved so much, and supposedly loved me, wouldn't feel like we could work things out.

 

I guess I need to understand that not everyone loves like me, thinks about love like me, etc. Its just really hard. I think I may have some idyllic, unrealistic ideas about everything, so I'm just trying to get clarity and hopefully help myself to understand!

I totally know where are you coming from. I used to think the same way, love is the conquerer of all things, as long you got love, that is all you need. Obviously, I do not feel that way anymore.

That is the beauty of life, the beauty of experiences, they teach us so much.

I am so sorry about your breakup and the pain you are experiencing at the moment. Another thing I learned the hard way is pain promotes growth, it can elicit change.

Hang in there.

(((HUGS)))

I never used to believe that saying, i mean, how couldn't it be enough?

Until me and my last gf broke up, a girl whom im still deeply in love with, and as far as i know, still loves me. We had such a beautiful relationship, such a deep connection on every level, physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual. Neither of us had ever experienced anything like it.

We broke up because she realised she's gay. So it couldn't be more clearly spelt out for me. Sometimes, love isn't enough.

It still hurts.

I think the problem is when people think of love, they often think of feelings. It is easy to say early on in a relationship "oh, we love each other, we can get through ANYTHING". Problem is, you don't know what "anythings" are going to hit you, and you don't know yet how each of you will truly be when things come to be.

Real love is however, about more than feelings. Love is action. Love is a choice you make from moment, to moment, to moment. You need both partners to be able to make this choice....sometimes one of you is going to put more into it, but it should be something where one of you is not always doing all the effort. Love in other words, the real stuff, is not a passive ride along!

For some people, this IS too much to handle, for those that believe love is "there" or "isn't", that disillusion can be enough for them to say "this must not be love", failing to see love is created with action, and killed by inaction.

Love is also about being able to love yourself and not lose yourself for someone else. So yes, sometimes love is not enough. When you are continously hurting one another or yourself, love is not enough.

I also think love is "not enough" to get through some extremely difficult differences, by this I mean sometimes people again fall in love, believing that the other will "change" or fix parts of themselves...but to me that is not "love", love requires acceptance as well for that person as they are, not whom they "could" be.

I agree with what the others have posted and I especially agree with what raykay posted.

Good post...I was with someone who once told me, in the midst of a realtionship conversation, he believed relationships either worked or they didn't. I guess this was the problem..when we had a problem, I think he assumed it meant the relationship wasn't working. I just have a hard time understanding how someone feels this way if they love someone. I guess I just need to accept that our definition of what love is and what love means if different, and move on along...

I always thought that if you had love things could work, but because of the recent break up I don't know if I feel that way anymore.

Love takes effort, and it takes someone mature enough to understand and want this. Many people can love someone, but get so caught up with feeling in love, that they seek this high like a junky. If a relationship gets boring, they look for a high, either cause drama, go on a trip, or create some situation to get excitement. My ex had the trips, created drama, and then cheated to get her "fix." I sometimes question if she ever truly loved me, especially after reading RayKay's post about true love.

True love doesn't crumble when times get rough. It doesn't run from problems, or avoid talking because they don't want conflict. So as you can imagine, true love will also not be gone forever. If it was true love, it will return to you (or so they say.....)

Yes, love can still be very deeply felt, but not be emotionally able to be handled by some people.. for instance a parent who leaves cihldren behind, I think most of the time they do love them, but they don't know "how to love them in a healthy mature fulfilling way" so they run... so love can still be very present, but it has to be an active healthy choice to make an effort to help it grow.. and some people just don't know how to do this..with anyone...especially themselves..and unfortunately if they never choose to look into themselves to figure out that it's not about "what you get" but more about "what you can give".

And maybe your ex just doesn't know how to "give a mature deep love" to someone because he's not capable of looking at himself and making effort and changes that are needed to make ANY relationship work.. it's got to be a two way street, both people making the effort. If not, then you are best to let go, grow, move on, and seek someone who shares your definition of love. And that attraction starts once you love yourself enough to know how you want to share values and love with someone, and not stick around with someone whom you feel you are trying to "convince them or teach them" to love you..

I know you are hurting so much right now.. but You will heal and grow from all this heartache.. a broken heart is a gift, an opportunity to re-discover your own sense of self, to be proud of your independence, your self respect, and that you will love yourself enough to not be with someone who doesn't know how to cherish your heart the way it deserves to be, and the way you are willing to cherish another. For today remember to celebrate YOU.

No, Txstar, it's not enough. We like to think it is, but sometimes the incompatibility is so great that in order for one person in the relationship to be happy, the other has to be unhappy. And vice versa. This is when it just has to end.

If loving someone means you are constantly unhappy trying to avoid conflict, then no it is not enough. Some people just cannot handle conflict all the time and choose to walk away. that is admirable as most people can't do it and just stay in a bad relationship for a very long time.

Some people also can feel in love with a person, but not able or willing to do the diligent work necessary to keep it going. Strong relationships rarely come easy. They take a lot of time and dedication. If the person in love can't do this for whatever reason, it will fail. Some people really don't know how to compromise.

I don't know if your situation is a man who was weak and could not do the diligence in keeping this afloat, or he just knew your incompatibilities were too great - either/or, he felt the love he had was not enough and this does happen. More than most think.

Thanks for the comments...they are great! JadedStar, I'm not sure what to think of this man (um, overstatement...I think boy better descibes him) I was with. They way I saw it, he was weak...he very much seemed like he wanted me to change to make it work, but didn't necessarily want to do the same for me. He actually sat down with me one day before the break up and asked me "what can I reasonably expect to change from you." He never once said he was willing to change for me. When I sat down and said something he had done had hurt me, and wished he wouldn't do it again, his reply would be "I don't think it was wrong, I don't see why you are upset, and I can't promise you I won't do it again." So, I think maybe he was just weak, and wouldn't do the "diligence" to keep it aflot. For what reason, I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling that I got as much as was possible from him, that he loved me as much as he could, but it just wasn't enough. Sometimes I think maybe he just didn't love me enough to put the effort in to try. I don't know. I guess I probably never will. I am confused

Blender...thanks so much! The more I think about it, I really think your post really describes how I think I feel about the ex. Although I have to say, it does make me sad to think that he just wasn't capable of enough to make us work.

Please do not take his "inabitlity to make it work" personally, because it's not about you.. it says so much more about him.. he would be behaving this way with ANY woman he was in a relationship with, once it got "real, and during the tough times and disagreements" so it's not that he didn't want to make it work with "you".. it's just that he's not willing to look at himself.. not with you, not for any woman..

because the FACT is no matter who he is with, there HE will be..

and he will always have to deal with someone else's feelings and opinions. and the way he reacted to your feelings..well that's the way he would re-act to any woman.. and that is HIS problem.. NOT yours.. you can take all the dreams and hopes you "attached to him" with you.. they are YOURS.. so remember that..

feel good about yourself today.. you're going to grow past all this... you've been given the gift of heartache..it's a gift because it causes us to re-discover how strong we are, our own independence, and our self respect and confidence comes back even stronger.. and we are more wise and loving entering into a new relationship because we've learned that we want to "share" values and love with someone, NOT convince them about it...

it's a tough time for your right now, but the good news is, your mind is open to reflecting and seperating your "feelings from the facts" about what this last relationship actually revealed itself to be, which is very different then what you "hoped and dreamed" it could be.. and so you are mourning the loss of "what you hoped for" and not what it "actually was"... okay.. you're going to be wonderful.. absolutely wonderful..

I always believed that love would over come all. But I'm starting learn the qualifiers to that statement. It has to work from both sides and I have also learned that some people can say they love but in reality cannot love.

If it is real love, and really important I think it works if both sides feel it, but there are so many factors that get in the way.

I have seen the imperfect loves make 65 yr marriages because both parties were equally determined to make it work. So maybe "perfect" love without a williness to commit and fight for that love won't work.

But if I had the answer, I would write a book, solve everyones problems, make a lot of money on it and find world peace.

But I do know one thing for absolutely sure ..... one person cannot make it work, it has to be two, and that is very painful when you are the one willing for try and stick with it and give it you all.

." He never once said he was willing to change for me. When I sat down and said something he had done had hurt me, and wished he wouldn't do it again, his reply would be "I don't think it was wrong, I don't see why you are upset, and I can't promise you I won't do it again."

Wow. There is your answer dearheart.

When me and my husband first started dating almost five years ago we had a lot of differences in personality and opinion we had to work thru. That first year was ROUGH. I was not used to a person like him and he not used to one like me. Neither of us bad people, just different.

At any rate, the one thing we did have in common was the art of communication and compromise. When we had an argument from our conflict of opinion, we sat down and talked about it and talked about what we could BOTH change and how we could compromise.

I have to say he may have needed me to compromise on certain issues but he didn't midn doing it himself. I was proud at how hard he worked to come to agreements with me.

And we have been married a year and a half now and still find that the art of communication and compromise is very important.

If your guy wanted YOU to change while he didn't feel he was wrong, better to have found that out now vs later. That is not called compromise that is a dictatorship.

That's not an automatic function. People can love each other but fail to communicate or resolve problems due to a lack of skills, maturity or other obstacles.

Spot on Dako. If my ex had communicated alot better (and to a certain extent myself as I wont lay all the blame at her door) then I am convinced we would still be together now...

I guess I can really see now that this was the majority of the problem in my relationship. I just still can't get over this feeling though that if you love someone enough, you force yourself through this. I need to get that out of my head and realize this isn't about me at all...I think Blender really hit the nail on the head for my relationship, and it definitely makes me feel a little better knowing he will have these same issues with everyone, and treat everyone the same was he treated me...thanks so much for your support everyone...these posts have been great...