Jump to content

Were you truly in love during the dying moments?


Recommended Posts

We are here because we have lost somebody in our lives. Many of us here have had our hearts literally ripped out and thrown to garbage. We are not alone and there are many of us going through similar emotions at this very moment. Many of us tend to over romaticize our relationships. We tend to constantly put our ex's on a pedestal and think that there will be nobody else who could possibly take their place in our lives. Many months later, we realize how wrong we possibly were.. But when the break happens, we tend to be devastated and not think objectively about the relationship and some of the problems that were staring you at the face.

 

Were you truly happy in your relationship? I mean truly happy moments before it broke?

 

Think of your last one month together. Were the times you spent together, happy, nurturing, caring, loving? Did you spend the time loving, doting, cuddling, adoring? I CAN BET YOU NOT!!!! I am sure you were unhappy, frustrated & confused

 

Were you truly "IN LOVE" during the dying moments of your relationship?

 

This is a therapeutic exercise for all and will bring some amout of objectivity back in our lives. So, HOW WAS YOUR LAST 1 MONTH TOGETHER?

 

Let me begin.

 

- There was absolutely no communication. No good mornings or good nights

- Breakfasts were separate. I wake up early. My wife, during the last 1 month, slept through and didn't wake up to say bye in the morning.. (she is a stay at home woman, and has never worked)

- My calls to her during the day were never answered. I got a response many hours later

- Towards the evenings on many occasions, I used to get a text "I am off to my mother place with our daughter, I was getting bored, you will manage dinner right?"

- I used to get back to a rather unkept house and had to make dinner for all - after a 10+ hour day of work and managing client!!!

- She was a her mothers and returned after 9pm

- Naturally NO SEX

- She was very very snappy and jumped my throat at the drop of a hat

- She was irritable with our daughter all the time

- There was no care, comfort, nuturing, communication

- I WAS FRUSTRATED, ANGRY, CONFUSED!! I hated coming home

- The time were we home together on weekends etc.. she was on the phone with her friends & family

- If she wasnt on the phone, we would be with friends.. NO TIME TOGETHER, which actually worked for me, because I didn't want to get snapped at by an irritable woman.

- I moved into the spare room a fortnight before. I just couldn't communicate with her.

 

This is the broad gist of my life with my wife during our last 1 month together. Do you think I was happy.. NO!! But guess what, when she decided to move, I was miserable.. I said the neediest of thing.. Texted her, begged, cried... WHY???? I was miserable in the relationship myself, but just didn't see it.

 

I want you to stop thinking that your ex's were this wonderful thing and that your life will never be the same without them. Look at yourself today and remember the last month together.. Aren't you way better off today?

 

It would be great to hear of some other similar stories.....

 

God Bless.. We are are all doing ok!

 

Cheers

Benga

Link to comment

Benga,

 

My girlfriend of 6 years left me pretty much out of the blue about 5 weeks ago. Atm I am still a complete mental wreck.

 

I felt whole with her, my best friend etc. The behaviour you have described is the exact same as my Ex did.

The last few months was also the same, but I just took it all down to the big stresses we had at the time. I didn't know she was going to leave.

 

Hell yes she ripped my heart out & stomped on it, the worst 5 weeks of my life. When you hear of other breakups you never really know the emotions involved until it happens to you. Would never wish this pain upon anyone.

 

But I guess towards the end was not good at all, but then I think "6 years, we had the best times ever"

 

Sorry but this post doesn't reflect the positives you are trying to convey, I feel like i have been murdered.

 

I think atm time is my only friend.

Link to comment
Benga,

 

 

Sorry but this post doesn't reflect the positives you are trying to convey, I feel like i have been murdered.

 

I think atm time is my only friend.

 

That's it... I understand your feeling more than anyone. I understand the feeling of feeling murdered. But why? where you happy during the last moments?

Link to comment

We were truly in love up until the day her cheating came out, happy together, laughing, like best friends, and after I had to let her go because of it, parted with "I love yous" on both sides.

 

Then, a few days later, she turned nasty.

 

I do not love her now, and will never take up with a disordered personality again now that I know the signs. Still hurts though, still angry every day, but getting better gradually.

Link to comment
That's it... I understand your feeling more than anyone. I understand the feeling of feeling murdered. But why? where you happy during the last moments?

 

Thanks Bud

No not really, Neither was she. But yeah the attachment & the letting go thing is really hard.

 

Getting there, a minute at a time.

 

But i have something to look forward to, Travelling.

Link to comment

very very very good advice.

i'm not going through a break up or anything, but i almost did a week or so ago. worst 2 days i have ever experienced in my life. constant crying, guilt and everything. but anyway.

 

next time i go through a break up i will just think about that last month and i bet i will feel better. thank you!

Link to comment
We were truly in love up until the day her cheating came out, happy together, laughing, like best friends, and after I had to let her go because of it, parted with "I love yous" on both sides.

 

Then, a few days later, she turned nasty.

 

I do not love her now, and will never take up with a disordered personality again now that I know the signs. Still hurts though, still angry every day, but getting better gradually.

 

I guess, YOU were in love and not her. Else why would she have cheated? I am so glad and happy that you are over it and don't love her the same. I am sure your anger will subside.. in nanobits, but surely a little everyday

Link to comment
We were truly in love up until the day her cheating came out, happy together, laughing, like best friends, and after I had to let her go because of it, parted with "I love yous" on both sides.

 

Then, a few days later, she turned nasty.

 

I do not love her now, and will never take up with a disordered personality again now that I know the signs. Still hurts though, still angry every day, but getting better gradually.

 

funny you say, because same exact thing happen to me as well. except for me it was one of those things that was just left hanging. oh well...

 

i'm happier than ever though, no more drama for your mama going on for me.

Link to comment

 

But i have something to look forward to, Travelling.

 

Been doing the same thing myself. It helps, but sort of an escape from coming back to an empty house.. I know that feeling mate... murdered I didn't see it coming myself. But there must have been some red flags which you missed at that time

Link to comment
Been doing the same thing myself. It helps, but sort of an escape from coming back to an empty house.. I know that feeling mate... murdered I didn't see it coming myself. But there must have been some red flags which you missed at that time

 

 

Yeah there was. First flag happened was 2 Months ago, it happened at the Wake of my grandmas funeral where she totally snapped at me for something very silly & also the next day when i found her a total mess on the ground.

 

She was very mean to me, but i was angry with her because it was not right & unfair that she was like this at this emotional time of my grandma.

 

But she never really sat me down & said "We need to talk, we have problems"

 

She said she had been thinking about it for 6 Months, yet i really had no real warning.

 

We were different but she was VERY stressed about Uni assignments & also she became full time with her job taking a big pay cut. There were signs but I took it to these things happening.

 

I am still truly in love with her, but they say things happen for a reason, so somehow (i don't know) it must be for the best.

Link to comment
Well, if he felt any of the things you just wrote...or more...then why the hell not say something so that I would know what I needed to change?

He is not the type to express his feelings. Nor will he talk about them either. I was left to just figure him out.

He cheated, lied...man, did he lie...and in the end, I still loved him.

Murdered? He murdered me every day for 8 years. But I still loved him and stuck by him.

 

I can't say that the last month was any different then any other month from the get go. He was an ass from the start.

 

WHOA!! And I thought my last month was bad! You are one strong & tolerant person. Kudos to you!!!

 

I think for me it was just the inability to communicate. My relationship broke down because we both built walls around us - like a well. We allowed it to get filled with resentment & frustration. Waiting for the other to make the first move. Waiting for the other to change. As things stand today, its still the same. We are separated and still waiting for the other to make the first move. Waiting for the other to say "sorry", waiting for the other to say "I was wrong". I did, but I guess it was too late then.

 

Today, as usual.. we are in a true mexican standoff. waiting for the other... I think, I will take the high road and just approach her. I need closure to maintain my sanity. We are separated.... no divorce talks.... no future talks...nothing... its been 7 months

 

Cheers

Benga

Link to comment
I hope this all works out for you....

 

I have no clue whether this is going to work or not. She moved out saying "i am never coming back". We live in the same town.. about 20 miles apart. She is back at her mothers. We haven't met or spoken for sometime. I would say 3 months.. I collect my daughter every friday after work and spend the evening.. Don't get to meet my ex though...

 

No conversation of divorce. My ring has not been returned...etc...

 

So I have no CLOSURE...and at times that sucks... But, I dont want to push the divorce conversation.. Hey.. I'll start a thread on that one..

 

Cheers

Benga

Link to comment
I guess, YOU were in love and not her. Else why would she have cheated? I am so glad and happy that you are over it and don't love her the same. I am sure your anger will subside.. in nanobits, but surely a little everyday

 

True, not love in a normal sense. I do believe that her cheating was a result of her personality disorder rather than any factors in the relationship, and that she did "love" me, whatever that means for someone with that level of emotional damage.

Link to comment

Great post Benga...I think I had come to view my ex very differently over the last 6 months of the relationship, as she would break it off and then come back. By April, when she ended it once and for all (or rather I quit chasing and she moved on), I thought I was very in love, but perhaps that love was more based on my own dogged determination to save the relationship, even though it had badly deteriorated in the ways you described your own above. There's is something about being rejected that makes those of us that are the dumpees turn ourselves inside out for people that quite honestly end up treating us very unlovingly. Perhaps we feel if we fill up the vacuum left by their lack or love and emotional and physical unavailiblity, that we can save the day. Of course the opposite happens and here we are, 90 days out for me, still thinking about someone constantly who was done with the relationship many months before she actually left once and for all. It makes now sense at all and is so very frustrating that it lingers and lingers for us for months.

 

We romantize because most of us have a strong desire and vision for what we want our relationships to look like. For a time, we perhaps experienced elements of that dream. When it goes away, we are like the person who has lost an arm or a leg, we still feel the sensation of our lost appendage. What we fail to understand (our hearts at least don't get it for a long time even if our minds do), is that we are now in love with a ghost, someone who was not only not there for us but gave us the exact opposite of what we wanted and what we were willing to step up and give to them.

Link to comment

Well i am not here because of a break up, I am here because I truly like to help others and relationship counseling has been a passion of mine...but it has happened before but before the internet was so hugely popular. I sure would have loved to have had the kind of support these sites provide....

 

But that said, your post is great on many levels, namely because most people when their heart is ripped out ROMANTICIZE what was. It is so easy to forget the trials and tribulations that were occurring. I am sure there are that handful and precious few who really did NOT see any signs that the relationship was not quite right, but for most there were incompatibility issues that were brushed under the rug and one partner decides they don't want to ignore it anymore. Or maybe they went out and cheated, or just fell out of love, whatever, but most of the time there were signs and most people were not as happy as they would like to admit.

 

I think it a great exercise for ANYONE who was just broken up with, after the aftermath has begun to die down a bit, to take mental inventory of the relationship with eyes wide open and really ask themselves what were the things that were not going well. Ask themselves what percentage were they TRULY happy in say the past year...or past five years if a longterm relationship was the case.

 

When someone really examines the pitfalls they can better come to terms with the break up. I can't tell you how many posts I have read here from heartbroken people who blamed themselves and looked for answers but the answers really were right in front of them, they just couldn't see it as the cloud of pain serves as a mighty barrier on many occasions.

 

There truly are cases where someone never saw it coming, but in those cases they may not have been aware of unhappiness but obviously their partner was feeling it or they would not have ended it. And in those cases it is far better for the relationship to have ended than to stay stuck in limbo with a partner who was so unable to communicate to the point they could not even be honest that things were not going well. I know I would not want to spend my life with smoeone who was so unskilled at the art of communicating and who disrespected me so much that they coudln't even tell me there were issues.

 

The worst thing a person can do after a break up is kick themselves around for saying "but what if i had done this" "or what if i had done that". Nine times out of ten there are no actions that they could have changed. Sometimes yes, a person truly was being a total jerk but those types of people normally don't find themselves on relationship forums. I am referring to those we have found here.

Link to comment

I think I may be in the last month right now. She's been angry, short tempered, and mean to me. I can't understand why. She won't tell me why. I've been going out of my way to do anything for her, but she doesn't seem to see my worth, appreciate me, or love me back. I find myself content loving her none the less, due to the past 3 years of love we have shared for one another. I keep thinking of how great things were a couple of months ago, and wonder what went wrong. I ask her "What am I doing wrong". But, she doesn't answer.

 

Somewhere along the line I think I smothered her, and now it's too much. Even the sight of me pisses her off. I can see it in her eyes. We are still together. We live together and she won't even talk to me.

Link to comment
I think I may be in the last month right now. She's been angry, short tempered, and mean to me. I can't understand why. She won't tell me why. I've been going out of my way to do anything for her, but she doesn't seem to see my worth, appreciate me, or love me back. I find myself content loving her none the less, due to the past 3 years of love we have shared for one another. I keep thinking of how great things were a couple of months ago, and wonder what went wrong. I ask her "What am I doing wrong". But, she doesn't answer.

 

Somewhere along the line I think I smothered her, and now it's too much. Even the sight of me pisses her off. I can see it in her eyes. We are still together. We live together and she won't even talk to me.

 

You've certainly got all the signs there bstrong2day of an impending breakup. Check out the post I did yesterday on red flags here, a bunch of people wrote the things that we'd noticed but ignored in the course of our relationships and breakups....very helpful.

 

If I were you (and I was about 6 months ago) I would back way off and maybe even ask for some space yourself. Not exactly a preemptive breakup, but a chance to give her some space and preserve some of your dignity and power in the relationship. It doesn't sound like you are quite grovelling yet, but that's where this is headed, as those of use who are here will tell you. People who can't answer the very specific questions you've asked are not truly emotionally available.

 

She needs to experience what her world might be like without you to possibly come to her senses. Tell her you need a couple of weeks apart and see what she does. It's risky, but as I say, it might cause her to consider what the relationship really means to her. If she still can't step up, then you're that much further along in your healing.

 

 

Good luck,

Coyote

Link to comment

Yes, that last month was horrible,,,

my ex became irritated and hard to please...I just got a job and was in the probation period, I was nervous and sometimes made complaints to him. And one day he just replied " I don't think I care about what you said anymore..."

I thought he was under pressure, too so I tried to make some nice dinners or some sort of special things for him, but he was so cold and said "You don't need to do this" and he came back (we lived together) later and later and often skipped his dinner even if I prepared something for him...

One day I went to the mall with him, I was wearing a high-heel shoe and I asked him to walk slowly a bit, but he just kept his pace and said "I told you not to wear this kind of shoes..."

 

Yeah...those dying moments, contrasting to so many happy moments that we had in the past...makes me wonder why love can just disappear like that...

 

 

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

-Giblan

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...