Girlfriend stayed out all night

Hi everyone.

My long distance relationship has been going ok. We're almost 3 years into it now. See each other most weekends. I visited this weekend and left her yesterday (Sunday) night to get my train home. I left her with a friend having a few drinks in a bar. The next morning I woke up and she sent me a text saying they met a group of people in a bar and ended up going back to their place and staying up all night.

In the past we have spoken about consideration for each other in a long distance relationship when we are apart and we said that if we went out we would always end up sleeping in our own place at the end of the night. She obviously forgot this. I talked to her this morning and told her I didn't like what she had done. Her defense was that she didn't actually go to sleep so technically didn't break our agreement. She also said there were girls in the group of people they met so I didn't need to worry. I found this a little insulting. Basically, the conversation ended with me asking if she would ever do it again. She said she couldn't promise me that she wouldn't. I then said I don't want to be with someone who goes off with random groups of people they meet in bars when I'm not there. I told her to give me until tomorrow to think about what has happened, giving me time to calm down in case I was over reacting.

I have to call her back tomorrow and I don't know what to say. I do trust her but she obviously has no consideration for me. She knew she was wrong because the first text she sent me started, "I know you're going to be angry". I would never do this to her!

Please help.

She spent the night talking with friends. What is the problem? Why do you feel the need to control who she can and can not see?

How is she being inconsiderate? Is she a child? Does she need a curfew?

Ok, there are a couple of things going on here. Firstly, I am wondering if your girlfriend has ever cheated on you before or otherwise done something to make you feel that she had cheated. Has anyone else ever cheated on you in the past?

I think that you are going to say alot of different opinion on the board, so I will just give you my own. You will take away from this many viewpoints, but the most important is what goes along with your beliefs and morals. I have to admit that I would not be thrilled with my girlfriend spending the night with people she just met at a bar. That's unsafe for her and really stupid. I would question her sense of responsibility to herself after making such a move. The second issue here is a trust issue and also maybe a commitment issue.

There are going to be various responses as to whether or not her going off with these people was right or wrong. What I'm more concerned about is not so much what did or did not happen that night, but the fact that you to talked about this in the past. I have to admit that I think it's pretty strange that you two had this conversation. It sounds like you were EXTREMELY concerned about her cheating on you. I wonder why that it is? Again, did she do it before?

What's bothersome to me is that it seems like you two had a conversation about this specific situation, agreed on a resolution that would be acceptable to both, and then your girlfriend went and did whatever she wanted despite that conversation. That was wrong and disrespectful to you. I would be more worried about this than what did or did not happen that night. To be honest, you may never know what happened that night. thereforeeee, you can't jump to a conclusion. What you do know now, for certain, is that your girlfriend does not respect you and your feelings. She took what seemed to be a serious conversation about your feelings and threw it out the window.

For me, that would be enough. If a person starts treating you like that, there's really no IF bad things happen. It's just a matter of WHEN and WHAT are you going to do about it?

If she was just hanging out with friends and talking, then you have nothing to worry about. People in long distance relationships have independent lives because they cannot be around each other all the time. If she did not lie to you, what are you worried about?

I see what you mean Mikey. What I don't understand is why she would agree not to stay out all night, turn around and do it anyway, and then say she couldn't promise she wouldn't do it again. Even if she says that she won't don't mean that she won't. So, how will you know the truth either way. That's the thing with long distance relationships. You never know what the other is doing. But if you love her and you want to be with her, then you have to trust her more than just saying it out your mouth.

I'm going to chose to ignore CarnelianButterfly's response.

Thanks for your post NewPhillyGuy. No, she has never cheated on me or given me any reason to think she has cheated. I just feel it was inconsiderate to meet random people in a bar and chose to spend the night at their place. I trust her completely and I know she didn't cheat on me, that's not the point. My point is that she is a young girl, she was out with another young girl and she chose to stay with a group of strangers at a strangers house. If this is going to be something that she does then it will make me worry. Wouldn't you?!

I dont think your gf did anything wrong..

but i'm wondering why you and your girlfriend established this no staying out over night rule?

I would be worried if she was alone and went home with strangers, but she was with a friend and it was a large group of people. Perhaps you can tell her your concerns about the fact that she acted impulsively by going to a place she did not know and tell her to call you next time she stays out late so that you would at least know where she is in case anything bad might happen.

Since you care about her wellbeing, explain to her the risks involved in going home with strangers and tell her that she needs to be more careful.

hmmm if this is the one time she has done something like this in the whole 3 years then I would put it down to having a few too many drinks and not really thinking.

She is honest, she told you about it when she could have not mentioned to you that she had been out all night. And she acknowledged that she had done something wrong cos she said 'i know you're going to be angry'.

Does she regret it?

Hi everyone.

I visited this weekend and left her yesterday (Sunday) night to get my train home. I left her with a friend having a few drinks in a bar. The next morning I woke up and she sent me a text saying they met a group of people in a bar and ended up going back to their place and staying up all night.

 

In the past we have spoken about consideration for each other in a long distance relationship when we are apart and we said that if we went out we would always end up sleeping in our own place at the end of the night.

The fact that she was honest abnout the situation means one of two things since there was no way for you to know if or when she got home if she hadn't told you otherwise.

1. She is getting ready to leave you or at least is seeing someone else who is of more importance to you.

2. The rule you two established is a dumb one that she no longer plans on keeping no matter what you decide.

If it is 1 there isn't too much you can do about it.

If it is 2 depending on how you react she will either lie to you about it next time or tell you again when it happens.

Either way, she is going to continue to do what she wants when you aren't there which is what she can do from the start.

If you arent comfortable with that then perhaps you should consider changing the dynamics of your long distance relationship.

Also, when if ever will it become a "short distance" relationship and has it always been a long distance relationship.

hmmm if this is the one time she has done something like this in the whole 3 years then I would put it down to having a few too many drinks and not really thinking.

 

She is honest, she told you about it when she could have not mentioned to you that she had been out all night. And she acknowledged that she had done something wrong cos she said 'i know you're going to be angry'.

 

Does she regret it?

No, it didn't sound like she regretted it at all as she said it would probably happen again.

Again, please talk to her about the risks. That is what worries you, right?

Again, please talk to her about the risks. That is what worries you, right?

She knows the risks, she learned them the hard way when she was only 16 years old... which is what I find so frustrating and why I worry so much!

Wow, I can see why you would be concerned. You need to have a long talk with her about that. If she continues to do things that put her in harm's way, you will not be able to stay in the relationship. She wants to have fun, which is perfectly understandable, but try to get her to agree to a system where she informs you of her whereabouts if she is out all night or with strangers.

This thread changes everything

Truth is it is only a matter of time before you discover the truth about what it is really happening to you

Personally i think you are over reacting.. You are 29 years old!!

I find it strange that you would make a 'rule' like this in the first place.

Why can't she stay at her friend's place?!

What she is doing is quite common... people meet people, meet new friends and I definitely do not think she is being inconsiderate.

I wonder if you pressured her into making this agreement. Its not something I would ever agree too.. and if my boyfriend was acting the way you were, I have to say, I'd be looking for a new boyfriend.

It sounds a bit controlling to be honest!

You asked for our opinions, so I think its unfair to say you are choosing to ignore people who don't agree with you.

I hope you come to an agreement, where she doesn't have to check with you in case she meets new friends and stays at their place... and that you both come to an amicable arrangement!

This thread changes everything

 

Truth is it is only a matter of time before you discover the truth about what it is really happening to you

I don't see how that changes anything. Yes, that was a similar situation over a year ago but we discussed that and it was resolved. Like I said, I trust her completely now. I know she hasn't cheated on me but the thought that she might go out and stay at a strangers house on any given night fills me with dread.

Mikey,

Reading this post alone I was inclined to agree with Carnelian Butterfly. However, having read the thread that the previous poster linked to this one about your mistrust of your gf, I can't help but think you don't really trust her so in a sense you are trying to control her so that you can somehow prevent her from seeing other guys and possibly cheating on you.

Do you trust her?

If not, I can sort of see based on her behavior in the other thread why not. but then, no trust=no relationship, so why stay with someone who you cannot trust?

If you do trust her, and she has given you reason to believe she is faithful, I don't see how her spending a night up talking with friends would be a big deal.

I don't see how that changes anything. Yes, that was a similar situation over a year ago but we discussed that and it was resolved. Like I said, I trust her completely now. I know she hasn't cheated on me but the thought that she might go out and stay at a strangers house on any given night fills me with dread.

Why does it fill you with dread?

She did not go alone to some random guy's house, she was with a group of friends, socializing.

I don't get the feeling that you trust her completely. Because if you did, this would be a non-issue.

I don't see how that changes anything. Yes, that was a similar situation over a year ago but we discussed that and it was resolved. Like I said, I trust her completely now. I know she hasn't cheated on me but the thought that she might go out and stay at a strangers house on any given night fills me with dread.

I am assuming that it was resolved with the agreement that the two of you end up sleeping at your own homes when the two of you aren't together, which has no been broken again.

A woman in a relationship going "clubbing" alone with two men that she just met at a bar is shady no matter how you try to spin it. Given the distance you two have in the relationship and the fact that it always has been a long distance relationship if we were to dig deeper I imagine we would easily see the many ways in which she is stringing you along as her "safe guy".

Why does it fill you with dread?

 

She did not go alone to some random guy's house, she was with a group of friends, socializing.

 

I don't get the feeling that you trust her completely. Because if you did, this would be a non-issue.

 

Actually, I think he said that she was with one friend and that they went home with some people that they just met that night. That is the part that is worrisome because she did not know the other people. However, if her judgment is good, the perhaps she can take care of herself. The problem is that he mentioned that when she was 16 something bad happened to her when she went home with strangers.

Actually, I think he said that she was with one friend and that they went home with some people that they just met that night. That is the part that is worrisome because she did not know the other people. However, if her judgment is good, the perhaps she can take care of herself. The problem is that he mentioned that when she was 16 something bad happened to her when she went home with strangers.

I can only assume that she is around the OP's age which makes her an adult capable of making her own choices. Whether she was with one friend or a few friends, the point stands, she did not go alone. As an adult the hope would be that she would show reasonable judgment and that if anything about these new friends felt dangerous (and again, it was a group of both men and women, not a group of just men) she would not go to their house. The OP is not her father, but her boyfriend.

If he does not trust her judgment, why is he with her?

And the difference between 16 and 29 in terms of common sense, maturity and ability to make safe choices is a huge difference. Would you not agree?

Actually, I think he said that she was with one friend and that they went home with some people that they just met that night. That is the part that is worrisome because she did not know the other people. However, if her judgment is good, the perhaps she can take care of herself. The problem is that he mentioned that when she was 16 something bad happened to her when she went home with strangers.

Exactly, and two women going home with a group of strangers shouldn't sit well with any man who is in a relationship with either one of them (I wonder if her friend was single) her friend isn't going to rat her out Mickey your problem is you really want to trust her even though her actions indicate you shouldn't.

Again, to the OP:

Why does it fill you with dread that she went to some new friends' house and hung out?

Would it have been different if she went there during the day?

What exactly are you afraid will happen?

I'm going to chose to ignore CarnelianButterfly's response.

 

Thanks for your post NewPhillyGuy. No, she has never cheated on me or given me any reason to think she has cheated. I just feel it was inconsiderate to meet random people in a bar and chose to spend the night at their place. I trust her completely and I know she didn't cheat on me, that's not the point. My point is that she is a young girl, she was out with another young girl and she chose to stay with a group of strangers at a strangers house. If this is going to be something that she does then it will make me worry. Wouldn't you?!

Yes, it would definitely worry me. On the one level, I would worry about what other people would do to her. Secondly, I would worry about what would make her act so impulsively and also be so inconsiderate of your feelings. If she had the nerve to tell you to your face that it will happen again, I wouldn't wait around for it to happen.

Granted, I'm only 25, so it does not go over well if I say people are just like this "these days." People build their value system based on how they were raised and what kind of exposure they have had. I was raised in a very traditional, Catholic household where you are nothing but loyal, caring, and open to your family, significant other, friends, etc. Pre-marital sex was also taboo. You just didn't do things like this. You are supposed to treat your girlfriend like your mother, with certain exceptions of course.

For me, the no pre-marital sex thing went out the window in college, but I made a compromise with myself by only sharing that experience with someone with whom I was in a committed, loving relationship. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. I've always tried my best to work through problems with my SO. Sometimes it worked. Other times, it didn't.

Anyway, back to your situation. People don't just sit down on day 1 and say - We will do this, not that. This and not that. It's all relative to the people involved and what they like or dislike. The situations come up when they are encountered, but everyone has a base sense of right and wrong. I think it's obvious that your girlfriend knew what she did made you uncomfortable. She sent you a text saying she knew you were going to be mad. She knew that beforehand and did it anyway. What does that tell you right there?

I hate giving advice sometimes, but to be honest, let this one go. Like I said, the basics are the most important here. Not what may or may not have happened, but her decision-making process and how she just left your feelings out of the process. On the one hand, she knew something that would make you feel badly. On the other hand, she had what she felt like doing in that moment.

Who won? Not you.

I think it's time that you stopped worrying about her and more so about yourself. You will eventually meet a girl someday who has principles more in line with yours and who will be more considerate of your feelings. Also, you are saying that you are 29. I don't know how old your girl is, but I would think that a near 30 year old woman would be done with college-kid-like behavior like that.

As far as the response you didn't like from another poster, one thing you have to realize is that stereotypically speaking, the guys have been doing this type of thing for a long time and the women are getting tired of it. I am pretty sure that if her boyfriend did this, said he spent the night at a place with his friends and some random girls they met, she would be through the roof!