Do I fight for our marriage or let him go?

My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years but we have been together for 8. We have been to one marriage councelling session so far. We have another one this Friday. He is clinically depressed and is in his own therapy as well.

Yesterday, he told me that he thought marriage was irrational and stupid. If he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't have married me, and if we got divorced, he was never going get married again. He is sure that if we weren't married, then we would have already split up. He says his life is hopeless and what's done is done. He said he hates having to share his finanaces with me. He hates having to ask my permission for everything. He said that when we first got married, I checked out and stopped caring and his example was that I didn't work for 3 months and stopped taking care of the dogs.

The thing is, I'm not an overbearing, jealous, crazy wife. He doesn't have to ask my permission for things. I'm actually very low maintennance and laid back, and he has all the freedom in the world. He has managed to isolate himself from all of his friends. If he just picked up the phone and called them and went out with them and did things, I wouldn't have a problem with any of that. I never have. I have tried to encourage him to go out and do the things he wants, whatever it is...travel, being in a band, changing jobs, taking a few months off, etc. I'm willing and accepting of any of these scenarios. In fact, he is going to quit his job because he hates it as soon as our baby is born, which is any day now. He just has to hold on for 2 more weeks at the most. I'm willing to do anything at this point. I'm working, have future plans to work, and I do take care of things. I take care of the house, make sure the bills get paid on time, etc. He's the one who doesn't take care of things.

I asked him if I made him happy, if he loved me, and if he enjoyed hurting me like this. He said he did love me, I do make him happy, and he didn't want to hurt me, but he couldn't help it. He's obviously not happy. He's miserable. I asked him if he thought I took good care of him, and he said that he didn't need me to take care of him and he didn't need my love. If I ask him what he wants me to do to make things better, he says that he doesn't know. I feel like he is staying in this marriage out of obliagation and duty. He feels trapped, and I guess I'm the one who is trapping him.

I really love him with all my heart. I want him to be happy and I want him to want me and love me and need me, but he doesn't right now. I cry everyday. I feel rejected and alone. He's a good man and will stay with me out of responsibility, but this is not the kind of marriage I want for me or for him or our baby. Is it time for me to give up and let him go or do I fight like crazy for our marriage and re-establish a connection with him? How do I do that? Either way, it hurts like hell.

Is he on medication for his depression? If maybe you should go down that route first.

The fact that he said that he loves you and you make him happy indicates that there is a chance you can get past this. You love each other, which means your marriage can survive it. The problem is that he doesn't know how to make himself happy and until he figures that out there will be problems. I don't think it's a reflection on you or anything you've done. You're just the person he takes his frustration and confusion out on, which isn't nice for you, but he can only see you as a cause because he can't see any other explanation. The problems won't go away until he gets his depression under control. That needs to be the focus here.

He's taking one kind of anti-depressant to help him sleep at night. He is supposed to take a different one in the day time, but he stopped taking that because it "interferes" with sex. However, I'm about to drop a baby, so we won't be having sex for 6 weeks after she is born. We proabably only have a few more days of sex as it is. He went and got another bottle of the day medicine because he didn't want to tell his doctor that he stopped taking it, and when I asked about it he, got defensive with me.

He should go back and get the dcotor to change it if he doesn't like taking it. There are loads of different ones he can prescribe without those side effects. It's not him getting defensive with you, it's the depression. He has to take his meds. That's the bottom line. If he doesn't then it will never be controlled.

Thfc is right. Try to get him to take his medication or go back to the doctor. It sounds like his depression is possibly causing him to feel this way. He needs to try and take care of that so he can see things more clearly.

My ex husband was deprssed for most of our 11 year marriage. I didn't know it at the time I just thought he was irritable and lazy because he slept a lot. SInce we have divorced (19 years ago) he has been diagnosed as being bi-polar. I can see it clearly now but I didn't back then. When he takes his meds he is "normal" so to speak. But he will go for long periods of time where he doesn't take them and slide back into his depressive mode and his old self. It no longer affects me but it does affect his kids. If he would just stay on his meds he would be a much nicer and happier person.

Your husband says he still loves you. That is a very positive sign. Encourage him to get the help he needs for himself as well as for your and your unborn child.

You were together for a long time before you got married. Out of all those years, how many of them has he been depressed?

He is really "trapping himself". Those things he said, if what you said of yourself is accurate, are probably symptoms and outbursts from his depression and reasons to justify his feeling "trapped" in the way he does.

It is good he IS on medication and IS seeing a doctor about his depression, I can tell you that is LOTS more than many men ever end up doing..so many of them are ashamed to admit there is an issue. Now, this does not mean he is not still ashamed in some sense and taking it out on you. He does need to get on his medication again though! There are other ones out there that have less sexual side effects (like Wellbutrin) that he should also discuss with his doctor.

I can say, when you are depressed, it is hard to be happy with ANYTHING. It also can lead you to think rather negatively, and blame those in your life for how you feel. Even though depression is chemically related, it is very, very common for people going through it to blame their relationship for their unhappiness. They also tend to blame their partner for their own actions (like isolating self, but then blaming partner for being "controlling"). I can say it is a VERY very messed up place to be in your head when you are like that.

I bet he has not been miserable all those eight years (or he would not of stayed so long!), but because he is miserable NOW, he looks back at past with those dark glasses. This is a human trait....it is well described in a newer book called the Pursuit of Happiness (well worth the read in my opinion if you are interested in some of what his brain is going through right now!).

And, just because he feels this way now, does not mean he will always....on the other hand, he can.

I say, keep trying with that marriage counselling...it is great he is willing to go. Don't give up yet if you are willing to try a while longer. Only you know your "end point" however so keep in tune with yourself and your own health as well. The counselling should be a good opportunity for you to discuss some of these things, and yes, to also examine your own part in things. I have no doubt you are amazing and loving, but there are still little ways that maybe you have communicated/dealt with certain things that in his mind have grown "overwhelming" and "negative" in his mind.

Good Luck.

Yesterday, he told me that he thought marriage was irrational and stupid. If he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't have married me, and if we got divorced, he was never going get married again. He is sure that if we weren't married, then we would have already split up. He says his life is hopeless and what's done is done. He said he hates having to share his finanaces with me. He hates having to ask my permission for everything.

I am not so quick to blame depression for this. It's possible he's depressed, but maybe the reason IS that he is rethinking the marriage.

From what you said in the above post, he just doesn't want to be married, period. He's trying to soften the blow by saying, "Yes, I do love you but I don't want to be married right now." Of course, he should have stated this BEFORE THE WEDDING, but there ya go.

I am not sure this is worth fighting for. He clearly said that if he could do it all over again, he wouldn't have married you. He has also said that he hates having to share his life with you. What else do you need to hear? What's the point of dragging this out ... or worse, bringing children into it?

Let him get counseling. Don't expect it to impact the state of your marriage, at this point. I think you need to talk to an attorney, at least to figure out what your options are.

I totally agree with RayKay

My wife went through a similar thing about 5 years ago, she was on anti depressents then came off them, then tried some different ones.

Then she stopped taking them altogether.

She never really was happy in herself again & she did blame me for lots of things which truly were not my fault.

All I did was loved her & tried to be there for her when she needed me.

But eventually she ended up having an affair, She said that she is not happy so it must be me.

Now at the moment we are sort of semi separated & I am really cut up about it.

Now of course I'm not suggesting this will happen to you but it is very important that he does stay on his meds until he does not feel the way he does anymore.

& the answer to your question - Yes deffinately fight to save your marriage.

I wish you the best of luck

I have always known that my husband tends to sit on the sadder side of life and over the last eight years, I think it has gotten progressively worse. In the beginning, we were young, in and out of college and odd jobs, not married, and still kind of growing up, so I didn't notice anything. I didn't know any better. Maybe about the halfway point in our relationship, a couple of times he made some pessimistic, irrational comments about how his life was so awful, and I think in retrospect, that was the first indication of his depression ripening. However, at the time, I misinterpreted them as growing pains. I thought that he just hadn't become self-aware, and still needed time to find himself, and that he was being lazy. Now I know better. I wish I had addressed the issue back then, but I can't go back and change time, so here we are now.

I feel better, now that it is the next day and I am not so emotional as I was when my husband and I were discussing all of this, and all of your replies have been helpful and encouraging, even the one about getting an attourney to prepare for divorce. I am going to fight for our marriage. I asked him to stick it out with me for at least a year before making any rash decisions. My biggest concern right now is our baby. A newborn consumes your life, and although a nice, miraculous burden, is still a burden. I don't want that to add to my husbands problems, and I don't want his problems to negatively affect our child. I have to find some kind of balance for everyone, without burning myself out. I want to tell his friends and family about it, but he is ashamed of his depression, and confides only in me, just barely. We're going to struggle financially when he quits his job. Financial struggling and new baby equal more stress, so I want to tell his mother and ask her to pretend she doesn't know because maybe she'll come down and help us with the baby. If I tell anyone, though, I will be betraying his trust. I want to do what is right. I feel like it would be better for everyone to know, because then he will have more love and support to help him through this, but he'll never go for it. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I am going to fight for our marriage. I asked him to stick it out with me for at least a year before making any rash decisions.

If he's not fighting for it, you're going to have a problem, whether it's today, tomorrow, or a year from now. I hope you have really thought this through. I just wouldn't want you to spend the next year giving it your all, the very best you have to give, only to have him turn around and tell you the exact same hurtful things as before.

What Dissed described didn't surprise me. People that have depression are more likely to withdraw from marriage in many ways, whether it's through adultery, or something else like drugs/alcohol. Obviously, being the spouse of a depressed person is very, very difficult.

To use a really lame analogy, your marriage is like a rowboat. Both of you need to paddle together. If only one of you paddles, you'll end up going in circles.

Out of curiosity, why is he quitting his job?? I'm wondering if that wouldn't make the depression even worse.

He is quitting his job because he hates it. He has gone from one job to another in the same industry, hoping it was the company he worked for that was so awful, but it turns out it's the nature of his work that makes him unhappy. He's a software developer and he makes very good money. He feels like he has been forced to keep these jobs to provide for this family and pay for all the things that we have, but his job makes him miserable. He wants to quit and I want him to quit because I feel like this is about 40% of the cause of his misery. He needs to find a new career.

Do you think his willingness to go to marriage councelling is a kind of sign that he is willing to fight for our marriage, or do you think he is just doing it to placate me?

Do you think his willingness to go to marriage councelling is a kind of sign that he is willing to fight for our marriage, or do you think he is just doing it to placate me?

Why not just ask him directly, in a non-confrontational way? Simply ask something like, "Do you actually want to go to counseling, or are you doing it just to make me feel better?" But if you ask, you have to prepare yourself for the response. Take his response literally. There's no sense in trying to reinterpret what he's telling you through rose-colored glasses. It will only hurt you in the long run.

He feels like he has been forced to keep these jobs to provide for this family and pay for all the things that we have, but his job makes him miserable.

You said he had shown signs of depression early on .. Was he doing the same job back then? One thing to keep in mind is that unless he has another job lined up, sitting around at home all day long is probably going to make him worse. Another thing to consider is that it would be pretty miraculous if his attitude suddenly changed just because his job does.

Another thing to consider is SAD(seasonal affective disorder). Mood affected by the weather. In my own marriage, which experiencing serious issues as of now, there were numerous occasions in the wintertime where I felt like leaving the relationship. Then coincidentally, when summer arrived my view of things changed. Unfortunately, I didn't act on correcting this pattern until now. Now I see all the instances she pointed out, and how dysfunctional they were.

Yesterday, I went to see our marriage therapist for my own private session and my husband went to see his own therapist, and we went together this morning. I feel tons better because I think I have a better perspective on things. We also learned some better ways to communicate with each other. we just have to practice them, a lot I guess. Apparently, before we met, he suffered a severe depression and it took him about a year to get over it, so the doctor says it will most likely take the same amount of time for him to get through this one. I have learned a lot of things in the past three days, and this morning, my husband said a lot of things that lead me to believe that he doesn't necessarily want a divorce. He said he married me because I knew him better than anyone else and I gave him comfort and support. He said he loved me and he was happy then. Now that he's not happy, he said he wondered why I was staying with him and that he felt like a failure as a husband. This made me really sad. I think he doesn't want to leave me, but maybe he might have been trying to push me away. I'm not sure, but I feel that there is hope.

I'm not naive. I don't think that changing his job is going to automatically make him feel better. I do think that it is the right thing for him to do, regardless of whether he is depressed or not. I have thought that for a long time. He has never been happy working in the computer industry. He has had other kinds of jobs in the past, and he was fine with them, so I don't see any point in spending so much time in doing something you hate.