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Thread: Do I fight for our marriage or let him go?

  1. #11
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    He is quitting his job because he hates it. He has gone from one job to another in the same industry, hoping it was the company he worked for that was so awful, but it turns out it's the nature of his work that makes him unhappy. He's a software developer and he makes very good money. He feels like he has been forced to keep these jobs to provide for this family and pay for all the things that we have, but his job makes him miserable. He wants to quit and I want him to quit because I feel like this is about 40% of the cause of his misery. He needs to find a new career.

    Do you think his willingness to go to marriage councelling is a kind of sign that he is willing to fight for our marriage, or do you think he is just doing it to placate me?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Kalika's Avatar
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    Do you think his willingness to go to marriage councelling is a kind of sign that he is willing to fight for our marriage, or do you think he is just doing it to placate me?
    Why not just ask him directly, in a non-confrontational way? Simply ask something like, "Do you actually want to go to counseling, or are you doing it just to make me feel better?" But if you ask, you have to prepare yourself for the response. Take his response literally. There's no sense in trying to reinterpret what he's telling you through rose-colored glasses. It will only hurt you in the long run.

    He feels like he has been forced to keep these jobs to provide for this family and pay for all the things that we have, but his job makes him miserable.
    You said he had shown signs of depression early on .. Was he doing the same job back then? One thing to keep in mind is that unless he has another job lined up, sitting around at home all day long is probably going to make him worse. Another thing to consider is that it would be pretty miraculous if his attitude suddenly changed just because his job does.
    Last edited by Kalika; 06-21-2007 at 02:04 AM.

  3. #13
    Bronze Member mumble's Avatar
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    Another thing to consider is SAD(seasonal affective disorder). Mood affected by the weather. In my own marriage, which experiencing serious issues as of now, there were numerous occasions in the wintertime where I felt like leaving the relationship. Then coincidentally, when summer arrived my view of things changed. Unfortunately, I didn't act on correcting this pattern until now. Now I see all the instances she pointed out, and how dysfunctional they were.
    Last edited by mumble; 07-17-2007 at 03:32 AM.

  4. #14
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    Yesterday, I went to see our marriage therapist for my own private session and my husband went to see his own therapist, and we went together this morning. I feel tons better because I think I have a better perspective on things. We also learned some better ways to communicate with each other. we just have to practice them, a lot I guess. Apparently, before we met, he suffered a severe depression and it took him about a year to get over it, so the doctor says it will most likely take the same amount of time for him to get through this one. I have learned a lot of things in the past three days, and this morning, my husband said a lot of things that lead me to believe that he doesn't necessarily want a divorce. He said he married me because I knew him better than anyone else and I gave him comfort and support. He said he loved me and he was happy then. Now that he's not happy, he said he wondered why I was staying with him and that he felt like a failure as a husband. This made me really sad. I think he doesn't want to leave me, but maybe he might have been trying to push me away. I'm not sure, but I feel that there is hope.

    I'm not naive. I don't think that changing his job is going to automatically make him feel better. I do think that it is the right thing for him to do, regardless of whether he is depressed or not. I have thought that for a long time. He has never been happy working in the computer industry. He has had other kinds of jobs in the past, and he was fine with them, so I don't see any point in spending so much time in doing something you hate.

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