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Burb

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Hello, all. I discovered this forum this morning, and after reading much of it, decided to post my problem and get your advice.

 

I was recently "dumped" two Thursdays ago by my girlfriend of two years. We spent most of our free time together, slept at each others' house every night, etc. She was my girlfriend and my best friend.

 

So, we were going to sleep one night, and she starts off "I love you and don't want to lose you, but..." She proceeded to tell me that the relationship "wasn't right" and that she "needed space." We talked for about two hours, and she left, both of us in tears.

 

We had lunch the next day, and I was a mess. I was the depressed dumpee, making all the classic mistakes. I asked her what we were, and she suggested friends. In the next couple days that followed, I made the mistake of calling her often, etc. Finally, the Sunday after we broke up, she didn't answer my call and I stopped trying to contact her. She called me the following Tuesday, and it was pretty much just small talk. I have talked to her a couple times AIM since then, and asked her to have dinner. She declined, saying that it was too soon, but maybe next week.

 

I want her back. She was my girlfriend and my best friend. I realize now (hindsight is truly 20/20) that our relationship needed some work, and am glad that we broke up. However, we had such a strong connection that I feel we should try again, but differently. Our relationship began with us being drunk freshman, but we clicked and really matured since then. I want to build our relationship over again, but this time not beginning with drunken sex.

 

My problem is that I don't know what she wants, and neither does she. I have been talking with one of her friends (a potential disaster I know, but her friend said that she won't tell my ex because she doesn't want to get 'grilled for info' and I believe her. I did not ask her to keep our conversations a secret). Basically, her friend said that my ex has no idea what she wants. I do not think her feelings for me have changed, she was just unhappy with our relationship. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't good. I want to make her happy, and know that I can.

 

I am also unclear on exactly where we stand. I don't want to get stuck in the 'friends zone'. She changed her status on Facebook, but not myspace, and has made comments such as "if we are meant to be we will get back together." I don't know when or even if she wants to try again.

 

This is my first serious relationship. She, on the other hand, has had a fair amount of relationships before me, and was known to cheat on her boyfriends, get cheated on, get used, etc. I know that she never cheated on me, and think that she has grown out of that behavior. I think that ours was her first "healthy" relationship.

 

So, any ideas on how to get her back? What should I tell her at dinner?Should I tell her that I think our breakup was needed? Should I tell her how I think we should try again, with changes? I have begun to give her her space (not calling, etc), but I need to know where we stand.

 

Again, my apologies for the length of this post. This is not the entire story, but I doubt if any of you will be all that interested in it, but will disclose more if it becomes relevant. Thanks for all the help.

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Welcome to Enotalone!

 

First of all, I think that she is confused. She obviously still cares about you and maybe wishes the relationship would not have to end. But sometimes things we really want just aren't right for us.

 

I think the most you can and should do is respect whatever choice she makes. Let her know that you are willing to work on anything with her. But if she wants space, then you need to give it to her. You can't call her once a day. In fact I would say not to call her at all unless she either calls you first (and you don't answer this call) or asks you to call her.

 

But I agree. You need to know where you stand. It's ok to ask her what she is hoping for. Space can mean anything. It either means you are still technically together, just taking a short break with hopes of a future. Or it means that she needs space and there is no hope for a future. So, in other words, can you see other people during this space?

 

You need to let her know that you have unanswered questions. And hopefully she will try to be as clear as possible with you. Just let her know that you need the truth.

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Thanks for the advice, Meow18. I haven't called her since Wednesday, which has been extremely difficult. This was before I started seeking advice, from friends, family, and the net. I really am trying to give her her space.

 

I am, however, extremely uncomfortable with seeing other people. She turns 21 at the end of the month, and the thought of her in bars really bothers me. This is of course me being jealous, as she has grown a lot since we started dating. Still, the thoughts torment me. Any thoughts on how to deal with that?

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I am, however, extremely uncomfortable with seeing other people. She turns 21 at the end of the month, and the thought of her in bars really bothers me. This is of course me being jealous, as she has grown a lot since we started dating. Still, the thoughts torment me. Any thoughts on how to deal with that?

 

What are her thoughts on this? Does she want to see other people?

 

If so, then you just have to deal with it. It's hard and no one likes to see their ex who they still have feeligns for with other people. But what can you do?

 

If she doesn't know if there are hopes for a future, then you need to start trying to move on. This will help. That way maybe you won't even know if she is seeing someone else.

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She has told me she wants me to see other people. This being my first relationship, how can I know she is right for me if I don't know anything else? (her words, not mine.) She has brought this up in the past as well.

 

The problem is, I have no desire to see other people (which I may just have to get over.)

 

When I asked her if she wanted to see other people, she replied "Kinda..." I am hoping this is just her not knowing what she wants, but I guess I can't really count on that.

I guess I didn't really take her seriously about that until just now...

Regardless, thanks for helping me figure this out Meow18. Your help is very appreciated.

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The problem is, I have no desire to see other people (which I may just have to get over.)

.

 

This is totally normal in your situation!

 

You might not feel like dating others for a long while. But you don't have to.

 

The best advice I can give is to have no contact. Seriously, if you are talkign to her throughout this and she is seeing other people, it's going to hurt so bad. It's best that you just not know.

 

And it's best to not talk to other people about her because you don't need to hear from her friends that she is seeing somebody else.

 

That's the best advice I can give you. I'm sorry that your relationship has turned out this way.

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You bring up many good points. I guess I am uncomfortable with NC because I think that if she thinks I am done with her, she will be done with me.

 

It's amazing how fast my attitude towards this situation can change, though. One second I'm on here, reading as much as I can, and thinking how I will be fine. Then, I get up, take a shower, and feel as if there is no hope.

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No matter what happens, you will be fine. It's a hard thought to know that you might have to live without her. But seriously, you do not need her to live your life.

 

Right now it is so important to go out and have fun! That does not mean being with other girls, just going out with friends and keeping your mind off of her.

 

Trust me, it does get better and it won't overnight. You will have mood swings about it. One minute you will feel like you are ok when the next minute you are feeling miserable.

 

Just take this day by day and don't worry about what the future might bring.

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It's tough...I stayed up at college for the summer (a large part of this decision being staying with her) so most of my friends are gone.

 

But, you are right. I need to distract myself. And I will, with working out, etc. Thank you so much.

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So, just got back from working out and there's a message from her.

"Hey, it's me...haven't talked to you in awhile. Wanted to know if you still want to go out to eat sometime this week."

 

I have been instituting NC since Friday (although I didn't know it was NC until yesterday) and LC since Tuesday.

 

Any advice? Should we go out to eat, and not bring up the relationship? I need to acknowledge her somehow, or she will get angry. I don't want to appear needy. I also don't want HER to give up hope, as I am quite sure she still loves me. Thanks again.

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Burb, you are making it too easy for her to have you as just a friend which may be all she will need from you if you keep acting the way you are acting. She has had other relationships so she knows she can find someone else. If you keep acting like a sad puppy, answering every call, being around whenever she needs you, you are going to get treated as such and she is going to move on.

 

Do what everyone is telling you - go out and start doing your own thing and stop being so available to her. If you can't do no contact, at least force yourself to only talk to her once every seven days or something so that you can get some control over this situation.

 

You need to get yourself together, you are still incredibly raw and that dinner is going to be your big chance to either look totally together and gain back some confidence or make a complete fool of yourself and make her see you as someone she doesn't want to be with. I don't think you are ready right now and you should wait. Tell her you have a lot of stuff you are doing this week and can't go and that you'll call her next week if you have more time. Then don't call her and see if she calls you. If she doesn't, no harm, call her the week after to set something up (if you are adding this means that you will not have spoken with her for nearly 3 weeks if she doesn't call which is GOOD!) Believe me, if you put this off for 3 weeks, she will be intrigued and will still want to go. And during that time, you may get some perspective on this and be able to decide if she is really worth all this.

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I agree with you, to an extent. I should have clarified, the dinner was my idea from last week. And I am not answering every call, I did not answer this one.

 

As far as the sad puppy comment, while it may have been well-deserved, I don't think I'm there anymore. I'm getting out, working out, trying to get her off my mind.

 

I think you are right, that I postponing the dinner is a good idea. The problem is she knows I am not busy enough to not have a dinner (I only work every other day during the week, then all weekend), and I do not want to lie to her. I am a little apprehensive about telling her that I simply can't see her now because I don't want her to think that I am having so tough of a time without her that I can't bear to see her.

 

I really appreciate everyone's advice in this. I am too close, and you are helping me to gain perspective.

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UPDATE:

I picked up some shifts at work tonight for the rest of the week. While I could still make time for dinner, I could fib a bit.

 

Hows this for a text?

Sorry I didn't get back to you right away, I worked late. I picked up some shifts, so I don't think dinner's gonna work out this week. Maybe next week. Hope you're doing well.

 

I realize I may be asking a little too much from you guys, but it is very much appreciated.

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Welcome to ENA....

 

Meow18's advices are mostly true... and very helpful for you...

 

Since your case is somewhat similar to many... especially to mine... and I don't want to be another echoe of what will everyone tells you... especially about NC (for new comer its No Contact), which is difinetely a healing and helpful thing to do...

 

I would suggest, stick around... read a lot of stories here... grab the things you think you appreciate.. if there's anything you don't agree yet.... "like NC which is most dumpee at the earliest stage don't really think is a good idea"...try not to believe NC... keep in contact... the helping hand... "I'll be here when you need me" kind of thing....

 

Any effect on you... which is most likely painful... vent it here... Stick around....

 

But I hope for reconciliation with you and your gf as well... Good luck.. be positive..

 

Once again...Welcome... you are home in here

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Thanks a lot for the kind words, devast. I have decided to continue NC. I just sent her a text that said "Hey, sorry, worked late, don't wanna wake you. picked up shifts and work pretty much all week so dinners not lookin good. how's next week? hope your doin well."

 

I am now having second thoughts. Should I have instead told her that I think another week would have been beneficial for both of us?

 

I'm hopin she calls sometime, and I probably will answer, but I will keep the conversation light and short. I thought about this a lot at work tonight and came to the conclusion that reasonablegirl was right...I need to get myself together first, and I kind of want my ex to be wondering (hope that didn't sound too callous.) I am doing much, MUCH better, but another week or two will be very helpful. Hopefully I can pull it off, I will be on these forums a TON in the next week or so.

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I am not sure why you must explain to her what you want to do... you don't have to... just do it... then if she asks that's the time give her excuses...

 

But man... isn't it manipulative to use NC/LC to get her to react?

 

Why don't you just give her time and space that she needs.... Coz I think she still loves you, but we can't perfectly assume that for now... she's confused as well... she could change anytime....

 

Tell her directly... that you are going to give her the time and space she needs... for her to be able to think things through... what she wants... if she still wants you are not.... Until such time that she have a decision, ask her to call you to tell you what her final decision is...

 

Show her what its like to be without you....If she finds out that she's very sad and lonely without you, she would want you back... but if she found out she have more opportunities opening up for her.... she'll tell you that...

 

I did that to my ex... she realized after a month that I did not have any contact to her... she have opportunities coming...she's using her head more than her heart, she told me...

 

Well.... it was painful.... but at least I know what to do next, rather than waiting for someone who is confused...

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D**n, I didn't think of it that way. But, either way, she asked for space, and I am giving it to her. In the meantime, I need to try and stop using NC (or modified NC, I suppose, I am not entirely clear on the definition. I just know that I have not tried to contact her without her first contacting me since Friday) as the means for getting her back. I need to use it as an opportunity to heal.

 

I am not trying to be manipulative. If she comes back, I want it to be for the right reasons. But I think that her knowing how it feels to be without me is a large part of her decision, and I do not think that waiting another week or so will hurt any. I want to be stronger, and I want her to have a better idea of what she wants.

 

I'm sorry for the way your relationship ended, devast. I really feel for you, as yours is the situation I am dreading. But, as you stated, at least now you can move on. This is what I am trying to prepare for by working to become stronger.

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I think you are doing the right thing Burb. When you stop checking your cell every 2 minutes to see if she called or left a text, then you might be together enough to look strong when you see her. Time can only help you in this situation as it will either bring her back to you or bring you back to yourself so that you can move on without her. You probably need more than a week or two to get yourself together but just take it one day at a time for now and don't worry too much about what the future might hold.

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You did the right thing by declining dinner.

 

What would going to dinner with her do to you on the inside? There is the chance that she might never want to be with you again and seeing her will only keep you at square one. You have to try to move forward.

 

Look, it's important for you to be selfish here. You need to take care of you before anyone else. You are hurting inside. That's only normal, but it's not ok to continue bringing pain for yourself just to please someone else.

 

I know you want to see her and I'm sure she wants to see you. But like I said, it would only hurt you inside. And it's not worth it at this point.

 

She has chosen to be without you, remember? If she's trying to decide if she wants to be with you or not, "dating" is not going to change anything.

 

You need to let her know that because she has dumped you and you still care so much for her, that you need time to move on. She needs to understand that and if she doesn't, well, why should you really care? She's not your girlfriend anymore. You don't have to put her feelings before your own anymore.

 

If on the occasion that she decides she wants you back, maybe you will still have these same feelings. But maybe you won't. You can't sit here and hope she comes back because she might not.

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Thanks for the support.

I am making progress. She hasn't responded to my text, but I didn't really expect her to. I even forgot my cell in the car today, and didn't even think to look for it for an hour or two. Hopefully that shows my progress.

 

I originally instituted NC, after reading much on eNotAlone (including MajorD's "Perfect Plan") as means to "get" her back. I am now starting to realize what I should be using it for (to heal myself).

 

I honestly think I could do well at a dinner with her if we went tonight, and hopefully I am not fooling myself. I am going to try and hold onto this mindset, and hopefully I'll be in even better shape by next week. We'll see how I feel about dinner then.

 

Thanks again for you support. It has been so helpful.

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Thanks for the support.

I am making progress. She hasn't responded to my text, but I didn't really expect her to. I even forgot my cell in the car today, and didn't even think to look for it for an hour or two. Hopefully that shows my progress.

 

I originally instituted NC, after reading much on eNotAlone (including MajorD's "Perfect Plan") as means to "get" her back. I am now starting to realize what I should be using it for (to heal myself).

 

I honestly think I could do well at a dinner with her if we went tonight, and hopefully I am not fooling myself. I am going to try and hold onto this mindset, and hopefully I'll be in even better shape by next week. We'll see how I feel about dinner then.

 

Thanks again for you support. It has been so helpful.

 

So now you have stumbled into some of Majord's great posts... when I was at your stage, I stumbled into most of majord's post...

 

I liked most of it as well... their not hateful... just wholesome layout of the realities in break up and healing... I wish I could write as good as Majord's with my ideas... I guess I am not meant for it...

 

Good for you... go strong... move and look forward..

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Ok, people...once again I need your help. I'm thinking of calling her.

 

I know everything on here advises against it.

 

However, I am confident that I can get through a call/meeting without saying how much I miss her, love her, want her back, etc.

 

My reasoning for calling her: I still don't know where we stand. I am unclear if she thinks we are on a break, or broken up, or something else. And, to be honest, if she wants to be on a break, I don't even know if I'll want to get back together. But, I would like to know where we stand.

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I am unclear if she thinks we are on a break, or broken up, or something else.

 

and has made comments such as "if we are meant to be we will get back together."

 

Sorry Burb, you are broken up. Perhaps she has not communicated it well but you are broken up.

 

If you feel you have to call her, do so. But I agree with the advice here. You will feel better, quicker if you do not.

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Burb - whatever it is back together, break or whatever, it will be the same next week. So if you don't call her and then do the dinner or whatever in a week or two, you will get the same answer as you will get today. However, if she is undecided and could go either way and you call her today and bug her without giving her the space to decide, you will likely push her to not want to be with you. You can do a lot more to set back her ability to get some perspective and make a decision by bugging her than by leaving her alone for awhile.

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