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Sex Advice - How to Do a Virgin. Is Being a Virgin really a bad thing? READ THIS.


Lily04

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I found this lovely article and would like all virgins (esp. female virgins) to read it! Also to note, Tina Fey the talented and beautiful celebrity, lost her virginity at 24 and was proud of it. After reading this article, I felt like I could relate to the girl who asked the question so much (hey, she's even a law student I found her reasoning followed VERY closely with mine and I'm sure many virgins in their 20s as well for why they waited if it was not due to religious reasons... so hope this helps you deal with it! My opinion after reading as to whether I want to wait or not, to have sex, is personal, but it did help reconcile my feelings about my virginity up until now.

 

 

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How to Do A Virgin

posted and copyrighted December 5, 2004

Article from: (link removed)

 

Dear Nina and Rita,

 

I am a 24 year old female law student. I was a chubby adolescent who was picked on in elementary and middle school by boys who teased me about my early development and braces. For high school I was sent to an all-girls high school, which obviously did not help my awkwardness with the opposite sex.

 

In college I lost the weight and the braces and became much more confident with myself and my body. I dated and “fooled around” with a few boys, but stopped short of sex. This was largely due to residual body anxiety from being a previously overweight kid. Another reason was because, although I do not feel I must abstain until marriage, I wanted my first experience to be with someone that cared about me and one that I wouldn't regret. It didn't even need to be someoneI loved, just someone I felt comfortable with. The boys I dated in college didn't give me the feeling that I could be intimate with them.

I am now dating a great guy. We have been physical but the time is coming for us to move to the next level. I care about him and do feel comfortable, but I think my decision to have sex is more about being tired of being the last one to be “in on the joke.” I now realize that few people have “amazing” and “memorable” first times and that I never should have built up the first time to be like that.

 

Here is my question: I feel like a bit of an anomaly being a 24 year old virgin and I am not sure how my future partner will take it. I could explain until I'm blue in the face my reasoning for waiting, but I still feel that I will be looked upon as some sort of religious, prudish freak, which I am not. How can I bring this up to him? Should I bring it up or can I get through my first time without telling him I'm a virgin and chalk up the bad performance to being unskilled and nervous?

My friends who know I am a virgin are surprised when I tell them. Apparently I give off the impression of being experienced. Do you think that many men would run the other way from an old virgin like myself?

 

Signed,

Your Faithful Reader

 

Dear Faithful Reader

 

We couldn’t help but notice that you construct your virginity narrative to create a cause and effect story about your entire life: it’s as if being chubby and wearing braces in fifth grade shaped your entire adolescence and it’s still affecting your identity today. We won’t argue because it’s probably be true. But we want to remind you that numerous child psychologists and Tina Fey, of Saturday Night Live, proved that adolescence sucks for all girls, no matter how shiny their hair or straight their teeth. (see Mean Girls)

 

For example, if you were sexually active in middle school, your bad girl reputation haunted you throughout high school. In Rita’s high school, this girl’s name was Beatrice, but everyone called her Be-mattress. If you waited until high school to become sexually active, then you dealt with the indefatigable stress of kissing for hours and pushing your boyfriend away when he tries to touch your boobs, three months until you finally let him touch your boobs, now he wants to touch your coochie, another five months of pushing him away until you finally let him touch your coochie, now he begs you to touch his thing, another eight months of pushing him away until graduation night because that’s a such a special night, then you go to different colleges and quickly lose touch. Doesn’t sound so bad, but it will scar you forever. You’ll always hold back, and men will grow tired of hearing you whine, “We shouldn’t. It feels so good, but we shouldn’t.”

We prefer to see it this way: being a voluptuous metal-mouth protected you from losing your virginity to a jerk who couldn’t possibly appreciate you.

 

Our point being, Faithful Reader, that you should make peace with your inner voluptuous metal-mouth, and thank her for paving the way for you to become a smart, emotionally savvy, good-looking, confident woman, with great communication skills. You've always had good intuition, and you’ve used that intuition to decide when the time is right. You had a reason to wait, and it’s a perfectly legitimate reason. In fact, an informal poll conducted in our apartment building found nobody shocked to hear about a 24-year-old virgin. There are plenty of 24-year-old virgins out there, and in our building, too.

 

If you choose to reveal your secret, some guys will not want to deflower you. These guys have enough self-knowledge to recognize that they won’t be able to provide emotional support or participate in an ongoing relationship. Don’t get too angry at these guys, just be thankful they have the guts to be honest. Fortunately, many guys will be happy to assist. Some really like the idea of being your first because you won’t make comparisons. Some guys, more than they admit, use sex to express emotional connections, and so they appreciate that you two will grow closer as a result of your disclosure. Sure, some guys see you as a conquest, but they will try hard to give you a memorable experience. This is one significant way that feminism has trickled down to the masses: the majority of guys are eager to please you in bed.

 

You can definitely get through this without telling the man you're dating. You are not obligated to tell him. The encounter might be awkward, but the first time two people have sex is frequently awkward, no matter how experienced they are. It gets better as you get more comfortable with each other’s bodies. If you really want to seem quite experienced, don’t lie there: take the lead, and move around a bit. However, we admit that we didn’t figure out how to take the lead and move properly until we became quite experienced. That’s a paradox.

 

Instead of worrying about your performance, try Nina and Rita’s Zen Approach to Losing Your Virginity™. Close your eyes and take note of what it feels like to have him inside you. Don’t worry about whether it feels amazing or hot. Instead, observe the sensation. If it hurts, tell him to be gentle. Open your eyes and look at the way he moves and the expression on his face. Listen to his breathing. What does he taste like? Smell his fingers after they have been inside you. What happens if you shift your left leg up a bit? What happens if you run your hands all over his ass? Don’t feel like you have to write up a report and send it to us.

 

After it’s over, pretend you’re princess who was raised as a commoner, and now that your identity has been revealed, you’re at your first royal banquet and you must figure out which of the ten forks to use for the endive salad. In other words, follow his lead. If you’re lucky, he’ll fall asleep. If he asks for a critique of his performance, be enthusiastic and tell him it felt great.

 

 

All our love and more,

Nina and Rita

 

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I love this. I am 27. I haven't had sex. Maybe there are tons of reasons why. The main one being, i want to have it with the right person. I don't care what the world, society, tv, magazines portray as the popular or right ways or proper timelines to go about things. This is my life, i haven't found the right person yet. I've read things before about how strange it is to not have "lost it" yet. I don't care, I don't worry about it anymore. I'm great, successful, amazing, attractive, and most of my friends think i am really experienced as well. I let em think what they want, i am waiting for the right guy. I mean, i hardly ever think about the fact that i am a virgin...its not really a big deal to me, and i am not buildng it up in my head that my first time will be this romance novel perfect experience (although it may be...who knows). I mean life is life. Different for everyone. When things are right, I'll get around to it...but until then, i've got so much other stuff to do.

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My best friend is in her mid 20's and is still a virgin. She is very religious and maintains she will not have sex until marriage. She is very comfortable with her decision and I support her 100%. Being a virgin is definitely not a bad thing.

 

yeah I don't think it's a bad thing at all. It's just rare to find virgins in their mid-late 20s who are still virgins by choice, NOT for religious reasons, and this was one case example of a confident young girl who decided to wait... for non-religious reasons. I found it empowering, along with the previous poster's message as well!! Wrappedaroundhim, hun... check your PMs

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Wow.. Im 19 and i have a hard time convincing girls that im still a virgin. up til 2 months ago i have only kissed a girl. now i can say ive done everything but have sex, but thats cuz of the situation and the person otherwise it might of happened. i never placed anything on my virginity, and i dont care when i lose it either. im glad to atleast have some experience now, although she was a new friend and i just asked her to 'open me up a little bit and make me comfortable' i dont regret any of it though, i trusted her, and she is a very sexual person also so that might be why it happened.

 

how bad does it sound that my first sexual activities, technically were as fu*k buddies? (without the f-ing ofcourse) wow i dont like saying that at all. i just want to say i got very open and comfortable with a very nice person, and im glad to of, it helped me build confidence and i know ill be better down the road

 

 

oh and in regards to virgins, she told me that we wouldnt lead to sex.. she was raped at like age 8 or so, so she really hates taking it from virgins. she thinks she is not good enough for anyone to give their virginity to her, since she wasnt able to give hers to anyone. she said it could happen down the road, i am now trying to build a relationship with her now though, but i know it wont happen unless we both truly love eachother, then there wont be any regret

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All I can think here, is who cares?

If you love someone, they are good to you, treat you with respect, and all the rest, what does it matter how many people (or not) they have slept with in the past?

 

What the person who wrote the letter is to me, is another product of over-romanticism and sexual guilt that so many people are saddled with. She wanted a perfect first time, she felt bad about her appearance as a teenager...

 

I desperately hope there are HUGE shifts in society before I have children... I would hate my kids to have that kind of pressure on them

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  • 2 years later...

You know what though... What if a guy is a virgin in their mid-late 20's? Do girls push them to the side? Are they scared of them & think somethings wrong with them? The reason I ask is because I'm 29 & numerous people say "you've got the looks for girls" or "Eric, you don't look no 29, but rather 21-23".

 

What should I do?

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You know what though... What if a guy is a virgin in their mid-late 20's? Do girls push them to the side? Are they scared of them & think somethings wrong with them? The reason I ask is because I'm 29 & numerous people say "you've got the looks for girls" or "Eric, you don't look no 29, but rather 21-23".

 

What should I do?

 

Really simple. Find a girl. Get laid. Repeat process ad infinitum. Depending on your tastes, you can change find, to keep. (I think its better that way, but it is[/] harder).

 

being a male virgin is just like before you drove your first car. it's just something you haven't done yet. You won't be very good at it at first, but it doesn't take very long at all to get the hang of it. people have been doing it for years, and its pretty well designed to be instinctive if you just let it flow.

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All I can think here, is who cares?

If you love someone, they are good to you, treat you with respect, and all the rest, what does it matter how many people (or not) they have slept with in the past?

 

What the person who wrote the letter is to me, is another product of over-romanticism and sexual guilt that so many people are saddled with. She wanted a perfect first time, she felt bad about her appearance as a teenager...

 

I desperately hope there are HUGE shifts in society before I have children... I would hate my kids to have that kind of pressure on them

 

I can't debate you without bringing up religion, and since I can't use the truth to support my argument I will just have to dance around with my answers. But sex before marriage should not be encouraged in the slightest, to do that is horrible and just outright disgusting. Since the younger mind isn't as developed as the older mind, we cannot make such important decisions for ourselves. Our minds are based on instant gratification, and without guidance we will just have meaningless, degenerative sex.

 

As for society, it is already shifted towards sin and debauchery. And I hope that you protect your children from themselves and from promiscuity, since they deserve safety.

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Im 23 and still a virgin and unless I meet someone in the next couple of months who I feel comfortable with and who I feels cares enough aout me I will be a virgin at 24. Its not a big deal I havent met the right guy, I told my friends and I ended up telling 3 guys, one couldnt understand it asked was I religious or somethin, second my ex was supposedly fine with it and the last was lovely and told me to wait till I met someone who I loved and who loved me back, and thats what I will do

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I can't debate you without bringing up religion, and since I can't use the truth to support my argument I will just have to dance around with my answers. But sex before marriage should not be encouraged in the slightest, to do that is horrible and just outright disgusting. Since the younger mind isn't as developed as the older mind, we cannot make such important decisions for ourselves. Our minds are based on instant gratification, and without guidance we will just have meaningless, degenerative sex.

 

As for society, it is already shifted towards sin and debauchery. And I hope that you protect your children from themselves and from promiscuity, since they deserve safety.

 

Yet you think it's appropriate for a person who is 20 to make the decision to get married?

 

You posted that you wanted to be married by 20. How is that a less big decision than having sex?

 

Also, sex before marriage isn't all one night stands based on gratification. My first time wasn't built on temptation and lust (god forbid because these are such horrid things. It was based on love and trust. Knowing that even if we did split some time in the future, I would have no regrets sharing my first time with him. He was someone I knew wouldn't take the lightly nor betray me. What better person could there be?

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I can't debate you without bringing up religion, and since I can't use the truth to support my argument I will just have to dance around with my answers. But sex before marriage should not be encouraged in the slightest, to do that is horrible and just outright disgusting. Since the younger mind isn't as developed as the older mind, we cannot make such important decisions for ourselves. Our minds are based on instant gratification, and without guidance we will just have meaningless, degenerative sex.

 

As for society, it is already shifted towards sin and debauchery. And I hope that you protect your children from themselves and from promiscuity, since they deserve safety.

 

Considering you list your interests as "girls, girls and more girls" I feel this post is some what hypocritical. And didn't you engage in oral sex with a girl before marriage?

 

I find it offensive you flinging around phrases like "disgusting" about pre-marital sex, and find it offensive that you suggest I cannot make wise choises because of my "younger mind" (I'm the same age as you). I am perfectly capable of making decisions like that, and it is in human nature to seek instant gratification; which you say as if it is a bad thing, which it isn't.

Sex before marriage is only sinful in religion, and seeing as religious debates are forbidden on this board I think you should retract these statements and keep them to yoursel, as it is only going to offend a lot of people on these forums, including myself.

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I truly feel that society places far too much emphasis on virginity and not enough on safe sex practices. It's because of people feeling insecure about being an "older" virgin and so forth do these letters regarding insecurity pop up. In my opinion, it's quite silly to judge people based on their personal choice of whether or not they engage in sex before marriage.

 

I also agree with the person who says, "who cares?" Because really the only person who cares about whether or not you are a virgin is most likely an insecure individual who believes that their choice of whether or not to engage in sex defines their everyday existence. When really the people who work with you, your family, etc. it doesn't matter. You define you, not sex.

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I remember when I was in school (I went to a Catholic school) we had some Catholic youth group come in and talk to us for a week each morning. Two of them were a couple but said that they sleep in separate bedrooms because they are not married. Someone asked them why they were against sex before marriage and they said that they compare it to sticky tape. When you stick it to something and pull it off, it's less sticky, and won't stick so well to the next one, and if you pull it off again, it'll be even less sticky to then ext thing, and so forth. Basically saying that the human capability to love is limited, and each time you give that kind of love to someone it becomes less and less strong. Waiting till marriage ensures that the person you commit to will have your full and untainted love.

 

I think that's rubbish. I love my current boyfriend more than I've ever loved my ex, who I was with for two and a half years and had sex with many times. I don't think there is a limit to how many times you can fall in love or that it gets weaker.

 

As a virgin too I disliked being called "pure" or "innocent" because it felt patronising and childlike. I knew more about sex than the people who were actually having it! I just hadn't met anyone I liked enough yet, and also wanted to lose it to a fellow virgin (so that my low confidence wouldn't make me paranoid over being judged and compared on my first time). My wish is for people to not make such a huge deal about virginity or lack of virginity. Stop it becoming a status either way. You won't get non-virgins making fun of the virgins, you won't get virgins looking down upon non-virgins. It's too idealistic though.

 

Experience does not always make you a better lover. You may have slept with several people but have picked up no skills and been boring. You may be a virgin who knows a lot about sex still who becomes really good in bed quickly once they gain the confidence with their partner. Being a virgin doesn't make you superiour and morally stronger, because the people who are not waiting for marriage are the people who are not bound by any religious belief to do so. You are not morally higher than them, they just don't follow your beliefs.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

Thanks for posting this..i guess in the end its about the two people in the relationship and if he or she respects their partner and cares about them and the relationship they are trying to build, the amount of sex..or the discussion of ever having sex at all (in the past) won't matter to that person if they are there for the right reasons.

 

Also, i do like the description of the first time..lay back, eyes closed and communicate wether it feels good or not, wether it is painful ask him to go slower, etc. it deosn't need to be a monumental moment..just something loving and pleasurable for both of you if you choose to go that route.

 

 

 

Thanks again

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