Just caught my wife cheating

I have been married for 8 years. We have a 6 year old child. I just caught my wife in bed (literally) with my neighbor who is also her co-worker.

In 2001 I made a terrible mistake while intoxicated and went to a massage parlor with my wife's brother. He drove us there and convinced me to go in. I am not making excuses, it is still my mistake. Some time later he told his sister (my wife) about it. I have not even touched a woman in an inappropriate way since that day, I have worked hard to seek forgiveness for my infidelity.

We have had our ups and downs since then. I suspect she has cheated on me a few times during this stretch. I am not certain, and due to guilt did not push hard to find out.

Recently her cell phone text alert went off at 2am. I picked up her phone and looked at the messages. There were several from our neighbor that were very suspicious. I woke here immediately and questioned her. She denied it and later tried to convince me I misinterpreted the messages. This neighbor is supposed to be my friend so I felt guilty and aplogized on my wife's insistance for thinking something so terrible about him.

More things that made me suspicious kept happening, she was over there for hours late at night and especially when his wife was out of town. Again I asked her what is going on. Denial was all I got.

Last night, I walked next door and the whole house was dark. I opened the door walked in and caught them in bed. I called his wife and told her immediately.

I love my wife, and don't know what to do. This was an emotional and sexual affair. Is counseling worth it if we both agree to make the effort? Or are we too far gone?

i would make no effort to reconcile....i couldn't regain the trust

I think you were too far gone long before this day.

Neither of you trust each other and that is no way to live.

The feelings of instability that are ahead of you are something you will involuntarily transfer to your child.

Offer her a civil divorce with joint custody of the child.

Then work on making your life a good life without her, and focus your energies more towards your child and their happiness.

First and foremost, I'd like to say that if you choose to stay with her your child should not be the sole reason. Children are never a reason to stay together.

No amount of counseling will make you forget (or even forgive) her for the terrible act she has been carrying out. It's difficult for anyone to tell you whether you should leave or stay because ultimately you are the only person who knows every detail of your entire relationship throughout the years. Personally, I think seeing my wife in bed with another man would destroy our relationship forever. However, each person is different.

No matter how much you love her, she needs some period of time to show genuine regret and sorrow for what she did. If her efforts aren't anything short of extraordinary, it's probably worth leaving her.

I think that BOTH of you are too far gone to ever bring back your relationship. You may have started it, but then again, you may not have. I think that its best to seek an amiable divorce. You've both bleeped up, so its best just to split things down the middle and move on.

First, I'm terribly sorry to hear this. I imagine you are upset, confused, and agry, and you have every right to be. I would recommend you immediately seek the best professional help you can. Check this list:

link removed

I'd recommend you (a) speak with a PHd only (b) try 2-3 different ones to see who is the best and © speak with a male therapist. I found a doctor who is a friggin' GENIUS from that list!

Second, get a lawyer. Proceed with divorce proceedings. Consider renting a room and moving out ASAP.

Third, if you have a joint checking or savings accounts, GO CLEAR THEM OUT. Stop any direct deposits, Open a new account at a different bank. Close any joint credit cards. Believe me, this will hurt you if you don't. I would do this TODAY. Ask me how I know, and why it cost me $40,000.

Fourth, review your state adultry laws.

Fifth, do not stay together for your children. Explain it to them, and do your best to pick the best option for your child for the future.

Sixth, remember that two wrongs do not make a right. You made a mistake, but she out-and-out blew it here. This is a complete betrayal, and should be treated as such.

...

Your neighbor is lucky he was not in my bedroom. He likely would have been taken out on a stretcher, or worse. My wife would be out on the street.

De8,

First of all I am so sorry for what you must be feeling right now. I think you have gotten some good advice from the others who have replied to you. I also have felt the pain of being cheated on my a spouse so I do understand what you are going through. One thing I would be cautious about is leaving the home. In some states this is viewed as abandonment and could be used against you in court. Besides, why should you leave your home ? Perhaps suggest that she be the one who finds another place to live during the period where you two figure things out. Your mistake in the past while significant, does not in any way excuse her present behavior. I do believe that relationships can survive in difficult situations but only if BOTH parties are willing to work hard at it. Even then there are no guarantees. Now is the time to evaluate what is best for your children and yourself. Do seek the help of a professional, you have a major decision ahead of you and there is no shame in asking for advice and support.

You have my sincere best wishes.

Blazer

I am amazed that you didnt loose your cool and kick the crap out of that guy. Seriously that would be it for me, call the divorce lawyer.

I am amazed that you didnt loose your cool and kick the crap out of that guy.

Don't do it man .... tempting as it might be. Again from my own experience all that accomplished was some short term satisfaction and a visit from the police. The officers who came out and took the report were sympathetic but the end result was a restraining order against me. Another thing to consider, and this is painful, but he didn't take anything that wasn't offered to him. In my case at first it was so easy to put all the blame on the other guy. In retrospect I think I did that because if could believe that it was all his fault I could still hold somehow to the love I once had for her. After time I was able to see that the blame for acting on their feelings was something they shared equally.

I caught my ex husband cheating after 6 yrs of marriage. It was over for me the day I found out. I remained calm, asked him if he loved her, needed her, and if he slept with her, he replied "yes"... I replied back "ok that's all i need to hear" ..

I filed for divorce that same day!

I caught my ex-husband cheating as well....I filed for divorce the next day!!

 

Third, if you have a joint checking or savings accounts, GO CLEAR THEM OUT. Stop any direct deposits, Open a new account at a different bank. Close any joint credit cards. Believe me, this will hurt you if you don't. I would do this TODAY. Ask me how I know, and why it cost me $40,000.

im sorry but this isnt 'advice' - it is not for us to say clear out a joint bank account especially when there is a child involved...all i could say to this is if you must take money out of the account, only take out what you have put in

look you were unfaithful with a massage girl...she probably felt cheated and betrayed by not just you but by her brother too...her self worth and self esteem and any trust untterly shattered... i dont condone an eye for an eye attitude however and maybe she should have moved on from you way back then...but this is what has probably led her to recent events.

i think there has been a complete breakdown of all thats needed to keep a relationship strong and im not sure either of you can get that back...i think its a case of live and learn in this case

I'm only sharing my experience - when my ex-wife cheated on me, she coincidentally cleared out my checking account and maxed out all my credit cards in a matter of days. I only found out when (1) I started getting those stupid overdraft letters in the mail from my bank a week later, since I was still writing checks and (2) when I got my Visa bills.

In addition to the divorce, I was blessed with a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Feel free to join the club, it's very elite!

I just want to know why the hell you would goto a massage parlor with your WIFE'S BROTHER?

mmm... tough one... does she want to give this guy up and go to marriage counseling?

i think having her affair partner next door is going to make it close to impossible to get around this without a really fresh start (somewhere else, and with her total recommitment to your marriage, AND marriage counseling).

having a liaison with a hooker was of course not wise at all on your part (especially with the brother as a witness), but if she is having a long term physical and emotional affair, that is harder to give up and for you both to overcome.

my advice would be finding out if she even wants to continue the marriage, or go off with the neighbor, then immediate trip to a lawyer if she doesn't, and immediate trip to the marriage counselor is you both want to try to repair the marriage.

DIVORCE... If I saw that in my bed they would be lucky to make it out of my house

I don't think I could continue with a relationship where trust had so totally broken down. What has your wife had to say since this happened?

Thank you all for the advice. Things are still tough, the fact that it is a neighbor is very difficult. I have spoken to the wife that was also cheated on. This is not her husbands first affair. She also told me that her husband admitted the emotional part of this affair has been going on for a year. She did not know how long the sexual side of it has been going on.

My wife and I are going to start working with a therapist right away. I have told here we will work on this, unless I don't feel there is total commitment from her, and unless I feel I can give it my total commitment.

I don't expect this to be easy, the amount of lies I have discovered is overwhelming. But I never expected there would not be ups and downs. I just want us to have trust again, only time will tell if we can.

It is painful to think my wife was emotionally attached to another person for a year.

I personally would recommend, at the very least, that you think about staying somewhere else for a while...

I found out 2 months ago that my husband had been having an affair. Fortunately, the affair had ended a few months before I found out.

I asked him to leave for a while. I don't think that YOU should be the one to leave. You should ask her to leave. Why should you give up your home...she's the one that cheated.

After about 6 weeks, I asked him to move back in. Frankly, I wish I hadn't asked him back so soon. I am just so angry and filled with so many hurtful thoughts. The lies and deception are overwhelming and I keep thinking of things that he told me and now I wonder if anything he has told me has been true. I just can't trust him right now... not sure I will ever be able to again.

I would definitely suggest a separation... at least for a while. Right now I would give anything for some time to heal and think about things without him being there to try to convince me that he is telling the truth. I don't believe much of what he says.

Can you tell I'm frustrated and angry? This is SO hard to go through.

Not that I am in favor of it, but if you want to have any kind of recovery here I would put your house on the market and move to a different neighborhood.

I don't know about you but I'd be liable to throw a rake at that guy like it was a javelin if I saw him while doing yard work.

Really sorry to read this. Hope you are able to sleep ok & are looking after your health. I do recommend the practical advice on separating your finances for the time being. You can not trust your wife at the moment & she should understand that. I also recommend going to counselling together, it helps no matter the outcome, it helped my wife & I a great deal. I hope you and your wife are able to talk things through honestly & decide amicably what's best for all your futures. You need to decide if you love her enough to go through a great deal of pain for a fairly long time.

DE8, Although I feel for you and your situation, I can only give you my opinion. Your wife does'nt love because if she did she would have resisted temptation. I believe that you do love her, and therapy might help, but the damge is done. How disrespectful of her to have an affair with your neighbor of all things. You also stated that his wife knew about it, and did not inform you about it. What the hell is wrong with her? Your wife deserves nothing from you. I got to tell you; you are a stand-up guy because I would of kicked her to the curb a long time ago and opened up a can of wuup ass on him.

I think thats just sillyness to try again bro, but thats just me. Not only did she cheat, but she lied to you repeatedly about it before you caught her. Its bad enough she hid what she was doing, but she had the audacity to deny it to boot! Id kick her to the curb so fast....

DE8 sorry to hear what has just happened and I hope too that you're able to sleep okay. I don't know how are you gonna work on that one knowing what happened in the bed. I would have either separated or file for divorce and then sell the bed. However since it's your choice on taking her back, make sure you're clear before you even plan sleeping with her. And since you both lost each other's trust then marriage counseling is the option.