Advice on seperation/divorce

Need some help from anyone out there who has been through this before I make a mistake.

Married 10 years, 2 young children and me and my wife have become disconnected through career, responsibility etc. We dont ever fight.

3 months ago I got hit with "I think I want a divorce" out of the blue and my wife tells me she loves me but is not in-love with me. Went to counseling and we worked on re-connecting. Things got GREAT! Now 2 weeks ago I get told "I want a divorce, I'm done" and my wife suddenly has alot of resentment for me (6 months or so). Shell take a seperation but feels divorce is imminent and wishes to put no effort into it. On top of that I got layed off from my job.

Issue- Shes a bartender working nights and weekends. I'm layed off. I don't even think it's possible to facilitate a divorce or seperation right now. I can stave off the divorce or seperation for now due to finances and work on getting her to get further help with me. Ultimately, she wants the house and the kids but she can't afford the house and has no idea how she can take care of the kids working nights and weekends yet is actually willing to divorce anyway and sort it out after (remember, we have 2 kids)

Advice? Me give her space and bounce from friends house to house? Take the seperation and move back to mom and pop (hell)? Cohabitate and try to get her to get further help with me? Got to think about the kids here.

Shes dead set on considering us "done" but I have got her to start reading "Marriage Fitness" by Mort Fertell. She needs a major wake up call but I don't know how to give it. HELP

You obviously are not in a good position considering the circumstances you are faced with. Find steady employment and try, as hard as it may seem, to stay positive and do what is best for you and your children. Finding yourself, especially in a situation like this, will really let you know if your wife wants a divorce or is just stressed b/c of the responsibility thrust onto her due to your lack of employment. Give her space, be yourself. Whatever happens is going to happen, you cannot control her.

I feel for you. Hang in there!! You need to look out for yourself at the moment.

Suggest a trial separation to her and not divorce directly. Allow her & yourself time to reflect and understand yourselves. 10 years is a long time and closing doors is not that easy.

I would recommend a trial separation. Allow the dust to settle. In the meanwhile focus on yourself...

Cheers

Benga

So sorry to hear you are having to go through this Jag. You are not alone though - just shy of 13 years of marriage with 3 young children - my wife said the same I love you but I am not in love with you after she met another man and fell for him.

Now we are going through a divorce and are in low contact. I'm healing up and trying to stay focused but its really hard to maintain that when your emotions are so unpredictable. It gets better though with less contact. I hope you can lean on your friends and I so feel for your 2 young kids! Our wives believe we were unhappy though and thus justify their actions/feel less guilty for dumping us. Nothing we can do except go along for the ride pretty much and get on with our own lives as much as possible.

Well, I spent the night at a friends house last night and came home mid morning. My wife said that in her time alone she felt relieved at first, the pressure had somewhat been lifted off her, then she began to feel lonely and began to miss me and think there might be something worth saving.

She then told me she thought she would prefer a seperation instead of divorce, maybe this could be saved. I had a phone call scheduled with a consulor I've been talking with and I asked him that question, "could a seperation (time to be day by day) be a positive thing, could it help?" He answered "No", you need to avoid that at all costs and you need to try and work through this slowly together.

Anyone out there had lasting success after a short seperation period? Or gone through Mort Fertell's marriage fitness program? Shes at-least reading the book now.

I hear that once you leave the home odds are greatly against your marriage. Too much distance DOES NOT work in your favour. My soon to be ex was constantly away, he felt like a stranger & in my way when he would return.

Please try to not physically separate IF at all possible.

Good Luck

As the world turns....

Things are changing a bit rapidly but heres the latest. She calls last night from work and only has a few minutes to talk but tells me that maybe she just needs a major life change, getting out of her job and a move. She then asks me to go ahead and apply to a couple of jobs near her family, 2 hours away which is where we had discussed moving to previously. If we sell our home, cash in investments and build there, she won't have to work any longer and can stay home with the kids not to mention free family baby sitting. But, before we hang up she states that "if we did get a dvorce, she would at least have family near by and be able to take care of the kids on her own".

Now she was on a time limit to get her thoughts out and things seem very nice today but she still isnt wearing her wedding ring. If we sell, cash in investments and start a new life it would relieve tons of pressure off us and her. Maybe we would have a new start and a second chance. On the other hand, if I get her out there and do this, then she leaves me, I'm financially hosed while shes sitting pretty.

My wife is a kind and loving woman, not vindictive or hateful but I have my reserves about this. comments? Weve been also question if she is going through a mid-life crisis? 2 counselors suggested this also. It's all so sudden and extreme.

Today as she left for work I saw a ring on her finger, looked down at it and she noticed. It wasn't the wedding ring however which she ackowledged but she turned to me and said "I'm thinking about it". She's still reading "Marriage Fitness" also, so I guess I've had a few good signs now but I don't want to ask and push her further away. I just wish I knew what to do.

By no means have we have a bad marriage, it's had love and affection with fairly good communication and 2 wonderful children. This all seems so sudden and extreme. I just wish I could make some sense out of whats going on.

Has she told you specifically why she wants a divorce? What's going through her head? Does she blame you for something? Is she depressed? Has she met someone else?

As you know our situations are similar in that I, like your wife, feel that I'm 'done'. My reasons are due to lack of emotional intimacy and not feeling like my H and I are connected in any way but that may not be the case for your wife. Unlike my H, it seems like you genuinely want to make things better and I commend you for that.

I wouldn't move just yet. I don't get a good vibe from her comment "if we did get a divorce, (she) would at least have family near by and be able to take care of the kids on (her) own". Once she's got a safety net like that in place it might make her decision to leave much easier.

As close as she got to finality is from saying "I feel like I wan't a divorce or I think I do". She also felt that we had lost that connection and intamacy but her actions still seems extreme reflecting upon our relationship. We had affection and closeness. She does seem depressed at times, she says shes very unhappy but doesn't know what would make her happy but I'm sure theres no one else as there is literally no time for it and if shes not with me, shes at work or with the kids. I have looked at the cell phone bill just to check though and knew every #. With our completely opposite work hours though, it didn't leave much time for us and on our only day off together the kids had their things. It just seems too repairable to give up without making a collective effort to save it but shes drifting further away emotionally. I just wished she had said something to me about it before now, anything.

Get a private investigator.

I can't imagine where she would find the time to have an affair. With our opposite schedules, kids and I see her at home when she should be at home but.....

Tomorrow is my daughters birthday and were having a party for her in the afternoon, family over etc. It will be intresting to see how she acts towards me after everyone leaves or if she'll just wan't to get out of the house. Tuesday, she is flying out of town to see one of her girlfriends and get away for a couple of days. I know she's going there as I've seen the e-mails back and forth for the past week. This is all so confusing.

If she stays at home tomorrow night, I'm not sure what we can do as I can imagine there will probably be a bit of tension between us. I'll post tomorrow night on the results.

Well, things went extremely well yesterday and last night. She was wearing her ring again yesterday and continued to this morning. We were both fairly busy with our separate duties yesterday but we had a little time to relax last night before we crashed. We thought about getting a movie but just had some good conversation instead until we both fell asleep somewhat early. Not the affection or great sex we had until this came up the 2nd time, just a few weeks ago but it was good.While her mother was over, all of us were discussing plans to relocate etc as I wrote above.

Still, when she left for the gym this morning I got my usual quick with a turned cheeck for a peck but no good kiss, which I haven't got since this all started. I just wish I could read her mind.

Tomorrow, she flies out to NYC for 3 days to help take care of her girlfriend and get away for a bit. Were also home around each other almost all day today which could be good or bad. I really wan't to move to the next step towards getting through this and putting it behind us but I'm trying to be careful not to push her away again and take it slow. I'll post again tomorrow.

Thanks for all your comments.

take it slow.. each day at a time.. put no pressures on her and put no pressures on yourself... be strong and hang in there. I am sure everything will work out just fine...

Be strong!!

Benga

Well, just an update on our situation and thanks to all for their comments and suggestions.

Wife got back from NY and is wearing her wedding ring again. We haven't seen each other much yet but the time weve had has been good and slightly more affection than weve had for the past month or so. Some conversations about the long term that centered around us still being together as in relocation depending on my job opportunites which is prommissing but I know were far from being repaired.

We came back really strong from the time she hit me with the "ILYBINILWY" in March, only to hit me with it from a more definitive stance a month ago so I have my reservations about how she really feels now.

Were off on a family vacation for a few days this weekend that we had planned so I guess well have to see how it goes..

I'll post again as things develope-

Good luck to everyone out there going through these situations, I know now how hard they can really be on you. I've lost 28lbs (I was in very good shape before) and had 2 black outs (doc said stress).

If you make it through something like this and keep your marriage together please learn from it, I know I'll never forget it.

Update-

Well, our family vacation went really well at first. We had fun with the kids, we laughed, relaxed together and we were having a great time. Until our last night there. At dinner I noticed she wasn't wearing her ring again and with a smile on my face (I didn't think it was intentional) I pointed and asked "did you forget it?". She said "I don't know, maybe". Long story short; this later evolved into a deeper and more heated discussion where she again stated she was done, she didn't think we were meant to be together and thought divorce was inevitable although would consider a seperation first. Great lead in to a fathers day I was supposed to spend at the in-laws (whom I love).

I'm afraid that I, myself am starting to feel "done". Working through the roller coaster of this is killing me and she won't participate in getting constructive help with me to save our marriage. Yet, she won't/hasn't taken any steps to file for divorce or seperation and has no real plan for how she is going to keep the house and take care of the kids working nights and weekends even with child support. She just wants the marriage over and plans to sort out the consequences after.

No obvious marital problems leading up to this, one would think we were very happy. I just don't know what to do. Stick it out and continue to get hurt in the hopes she will come around while things deteriorate or end this myself. This is seriously starting to affect me emotionally and physically.

JAG, I haven't experienced nearly enough to give you any useful advice on this situation, but for what it's worth I read your thread I just want to say I sympathize with your situation and feel bad for what you are going through.

Stay strong, I can't say that you are doing anything differently from how I would if I were to find myself in your situation. It takes two and you are only one. Take care and I wish you all the best.

have you suggested marriage counselling. if you haven't then suggest it. if she says no! and that its too late and things will never change, tell her simply, that even if she didn't go, you would. Tell her that the relationship means a lot. Tell her that you both have invested time energy and effort and it would be a shame to simply throw it all away without atleast trying everything you can...

If she doesn't go, you go!! I can tell you through experience, that there is so much about us we don't know. they way we speak, the way we look in terms of body language, the way we think.. all this will help you become a better person for yourself...

Once again, I would re-iterate, no pressure, no relationship talk, no talk of "us", "we" etc... it would just push her further away..

There is always a chance if you have hope and if you are truly committed to saving your marriage. One persons actions can do a lot in changing the situation... provided you are living together. if you aren't then things change...

be strong!!

benga

Thanks for the comments. We did go to two counseling sessions and neither of us really liked the counselor but we did start working on improving our situation and things did get much better for about 2 months then fell apart again. Now, I am working through Mort Fertell's "Marriage Fitness" and it's been extremely helpful but at some point she needs to work with me. You are100% correct though about not putting pressure on her. If I bring up the issue and try to push for a step for resolution she pushes back in a negative manor. I just need to find that fine line to get her to take the next step, somehow.

Tuesday night weve got a gift card at a cool fondue place we both like and should be going without the kids if she still wants to that is. We havent done anything alone since this all started but she says she doesnt enjoy herself as much with me around on the recent vacation or family outings like well be doing tomorrow for fathers day. I just dont know how to stop the bleeding here. Before she brought this up she even states she didnt feel this strongly about the big D, as in even the day before. She seems to be slipping further away each day. I'm trying to stay strong but it's looking more bleak as each day passes and I feel it's over if she won't get constructive help with me, and soon.

Has anyone out there had success in repairing their marriage after a seperation? I don't want it but I feel it may become the only alternative to divorce. The major problem with us seperating is me just starting a new job and not being able to help out much if I'm not living in the home due to lack of flexibility on the employment front. Also, the finances will be spread extremely thin with 2 separate living expenses. I've prepaired and have some $$ set aside but it will likely put more stress on the situation/her IMO.

Not to mention her not wearing her wedding ring is just killing me, even though I bite my lip about it. I know this is a very serious time but we are still married. I just don't understand the ring thing.

Comments?

It doesn't completely make sense to me but I have come to some realities after our date night.

No abuse of any kind in our relationship. It's actually been very nice and we both agree we are each others best friend and trust each other fully. Her job has had an impact and it is both our faults for not removing her from that environment earlier. She has admitted it makes things easier on her and doesn't enable to see our situation from the proper perspective as she does get hit on nightly and always has by druken patrons. Also, all her co-workers are young and single so she has a very odd environment for a 37 year old, married mother of two. Now, it's too late to make a change in that regard as she will need the employment being single.

Over dinner last night we discussed some things. She cannot force herself to allow my efforts to get through. She cannot get past the feeling things are done. She is out of love and has no affection towards me left.

Given this, we are going to separate. I start a new job next week (commission only) so we will have to stay under the same roof for a minimum of 2-3 months (possibly longer) so I can afford to move out and furnish another home which I will rent so the kids will have a place to come see me. Now, I am going to be fixing the house up during my time left here so that it can be placed on the market when I leave. She cannot afford it on her own in the long run and it's quite large and more than she really needs with just her and the kids. The kids will be told of the seperation when we have a date of action set.

I have asked her to let me know my love busters that she says I have still been commiting, I have asked her to address her emotional needs with me, which she did not and may never. She states that her emotional needs that she wants and the needs that I am not fullfilling are separate needs which I don't understand but I guess it may not really matter anymore.

Although, I try to still remain hopeful and maybe the impending seperation may give her the kick in the butt she says she needs to want to try again. I feel I have done all I can and we both agree there is nothing I can do to make her wan't to try to keep our marriage together. She does want to see if the grass is greener on the other side even though she thinks we could go on for the rest of our lives as we are and we could be "happy" together. She wonders if theres a higher level of happiness out there for her.

In 2-3 months we will be separated but the final action of divorce will be on her and soon to follow I'm sure. In the meantime I will still try plan A etc, no need not to but I believe she is in-fact "done". Thanks to all for your comments and support as I get through this rough time and I will update the thread periodically.

Moving along-

I agree, it doesn't make sense at all. I really don't think there is anyone else as I just don't see where she would find the time honestly. She has stated she just wan't to feel free and not answer to anyone or feel guilt.We have tried getting her out of her job for years but I've been shutting down banks and mortgage companies for 3 years now. Shes also become close friends with girls/women nearly half her age she hangs out with alot from work lately. Possibly a mid-life crisis?

Anyway, I think I just really came to a point yesterday where I no longer felt like being treated as a doormat or live-in baby sitter. All she has been able to tell me is "I feel done" or "I no longer wan't to try and theres nothing you can do to change that". And again, even though we don't fight and never really have, my son (10) knows something is up and just not right. I shouldn't have to live like this. She says she knows shes just being selfish and only thinking of her.Even last night, she got off work at 1am but stayed and drank till 5am, drove home drunk and slept in her clothes.

So in-light of the above; I woke up early this moring. I called a painter, stucco repair co., had new windows installed (home warranty in progress), installed new vent fans and more. When she woke up at noon I was standing in our foyer talking to a realtor I had called. When she asked what the hell was going on, I told her I was moving out as soon as it was feasable.

She asked why the change of heart and sudden urgency and I had to tell her that I believed what she has been telling me repeatedly all this time. If she can't move to make some progress with me; we are in-fact "done". I also firmly told her, unless she can put our marriage and our kids as the priorty in her life and either quit her job or make a plan to quickly leave it there is nothing left for me to hold onto anyway. Thats not the woman I married. I did ask if she was "sure" this is what she wants and she said she didn't know.

Later in the day, she said she thought it would be good if I could find a rental in the same school district so if the house sold her and the kids could move in or if I did make the move near her parents 2hrs away with my new job we could arrange the same there. I had to tell her "no". The kids could come obviously but not her, unless she was fully committed to working on our marriage. I'm not going to do that to myself or the kids otherwise.

Maybe this is the tough love she needs to get her to re-adjust her priorities in life or maybe she is just "done". Either way, I've got to think about me and my kids now. I can't keep living like this. I pray my decisions are going to be for the best as above all, I want our marriage to make it but if it continues as it has, it only seems to grow worse.

Well done, JAG313. You stood up for yourself and what you believe is the right thing do. I tend to see this the same way as you do (although there are always two sides to a story!), and I think what you've done is commendable.

Stay strong.

Good for you, in the long run doing what is best forr you and your children will always be right. If it works with her, you've done no harm, if it doesn't you've put yourself and your children on the path to healing.

No, let's see if I can take my own advice.

typo

Now, let's see if I can take my own advice.