Age gap!! Good or bad idea??? Help

Hi well i am 17 years old

Recently i have been seeing a 45 year old for about three months now. he already has 2 children that are just a year younger than me and is divorced.

There is not a problem with the age difference the only problem is that he is friends with my dad and is around the same age (2 years younger).

i know that i can't tell my parents about him but my mum is started to notice that i am not my usual self (she knows that i am in a relationship) but she does not know who it is with. i want to tell her but feel that i cant.

we have kissed but have not had sex as we are going to wait at least until i am 18. and he has promise not to pressure me into anything. He is not a "pedo" as some people may think that he is but he is kind and friendly. the other problem will be telling his children as they go to the same school as me!!!

i really dont know what to do i dont want to end it but dont know how to tell my parents. Any ideas?????

Thankyou xxxxx

Hi kj. I'm sorry to have to tell you this but there is no way a 45 yr-old should be going out with you, it's completely inappropriate. It's not your fault at all but please please tell your parents about this as soon as possible. This probably isn't what you wanted to hear but in the long run it'll be for the best. Again: you've done nothing wrong, but please understand he is much older than you and is behaving irresponsibly.

this whole situation is very wrong. Get out of it asap, or you're in for a lot of dramas.

This relationship isn't going to lead to anything good, it will do more bad than good for both of you.

you might wana 'date' someone closer to your age before your taken advantage of

I swear I am wondering if this is a hoax email but just in case it is the real thing.

I'm a 39 year old and agree this is all wrong. It does sound very very very very very dodgy.

I just cannot understand how a 45 year old and a 17 year old can have the same interests and enjoy life for all it can be. Unless of course you are learning about your sexual feelings and he is helping you with that and giving you the answers you want to hear about your emotions. My hairs on my skin are standing up at this thought. He is playing you purely for his own gratification, god this is creepy.

For one second (Just one), let's assume it's all innocent and safe (Which of course it's not). Your going to get bored out of your mind in a very short while. You need to be with people your own age, discussing your needs with people your own age and don't lose your youth on this.

Important. Very very important.

Yes, expect your parents to initially freak out, be ready for that. It's because they are older and more experienced than you that they know this is immediately wrong. They will also be hurt you didn't trust them either but they will be relieved that you came to them in the end.

Here is what I want you to do, RIGHT NOW, TODAY!!!!

Print out the transcript of what you have said above, everything and what we have said. Put it in an envelope and hand it to your mother/father, ask them to read it and ask them not to be angry with you. Walk away for fifteen minutes so they can calm each other down and take things forward with you. And don't be scared.

You need to do this TODAY, don't be scared.

Millmogs

This relationship IS safe. i am not going to tell my paents yet because i do not feel that it is the right time. i was looking for supportive advice rather that people saying things like the comments i have got.

but thank you to "djedix"

xxxxx

Look I am only 28 and I just dont think there is any way I could date a girl who is 17 or 18 or even 19. There is just such a difference between 28 and 18 that there is nothing that a girl that age could offer me except for 1 thing. At 45 I can only imagine the difference is astronomical.

My advice to you is to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. You may be young and nieve and not know any better at this point in your life, but your 45 year old guy should know better and should be ashamed of himself.

LOL, all pedos are nice & friendly...

I think a good rule of thumb is that if you are afraid to tell your parents something about your life, it's because you know deep down that it's not OK. I know you see some great qualities in him, but try to think about this situation differently. Think of all the things a 45 year old man has been through in his life, what he has accomplished, his interests, his goals. Could they really match up with a 17 year olds? Most 17 year old girls like to go out and party with friends, go shopping, go to the movies, read girly magazines, listen to pop and hip hop. I seriously doubt that a 45 year old man would enjoy these things, except for the movies.

I understand that you have very strong emotions about this man right now, but think long-term. What kind of future could you have? Would your parents ever accept him? Could his family ever accept you? Why is he interested in a girl that is just one year older than his children? Think about that. His children.

I'm not trying to judge you in anyway, I just want you to take a step back and think about this situation before going any further.

This relationship IS safe. i am not going to tell my paents yet because i do not feel that it is the right time. i was looking for supportive advice rather that people saying things like the comments i have got.

but thank you to "djedix"

xxxxx

Wow! You want validation from us; I don't think it's going to happen. It amazes me how flipant you can be about such a serious matter with you aloof attitude. One thing I will point out is that no matter how great and "safe" you think this relationship is this issue boils down to the psychological issues you both have.

For "any" 17 year old human to put themself in a position like this they have the false attitude they are in control and lack self respect. Maybe you think you're in control since you're in the sexual power position and can manipulate the situation or you're not happy with your social stature with boys your age and love the attention from this older man-boy. Either way you have a self respect issue and are playing with fire, and may be on your way to becoming manipulative person for power or pitty.

As for this so called man, he has even more emotional issues to consider a relationship with an immature child-like mate. Yes, child-like since adult decissions take a great deal of discernment, care and resposiblity of what our place in society is and is projected in a healthy manner. For this man-child to pray on the emotional weekness of another human is completely wrong. He just wants to get a little "young" booty so he can feel like the conquering hero of manliness, yet he is so diluted in his denial that he really is in need of a law enforcement intervention.

I really don't know what you expected from this forum in support, but "no one" in this forum will condone, assist and/or advice that your "age gap" relationship is healthy. It goes against all that ENA stands for.

I think some age "gapes" are acceptable, however this one, it's not. This isn't what you want to hear, but cut contact with this bozo asap.

And before you start thinking/saying that "well it's okay, girls mature faster than guys".. They don't mature that much faster, not so fast a 40 yr old can be dating a 17 yr old.

listen im sorry we bust ur bubble here in ENA by being so forward with u hun....we do it because we care and because some of us are older people who maybe have been tru what u are going tru and we know is not right....ima put my self out there just to make u see....when i was 15 i dated a older man in his 30's with kids of his own got pregnant at 16 he moved me all the way to the other side of the dam country and i was islated from my family for 3 years then i was able to get away he suked the dam life outta me and my whole teenage years when u should had been going to my prom i was home with this old fart and with a kid running around ...its not life hun .....it will get tierd and stressfull he will get older and u will become a young woman full of life who will want to enjoy it and have fun which u should do and he is just gonna try to suk the life out of u ....he may seem nice put aint all men when they want a piece of p%$#^? if u dont wanna tell ur parents fine but tell this man that ur a girl whom havent expirience life yet and want to and if he really love u tell him to wait till u in ur 20's and see if u still think and feel the same way........i think u need to get friends ur own age and maybe a mentor who can help u bring ur self esteem a lil bit higher because U deserve and should have better..........

That's a pretty crazy age gap.

This guy is in a MIDLIFE CRISIS. You'll be feeding the flames if you have sex with him. If you do, best of luck, I think this could end up tormenting you for the rest of your life.

Despite what we say here you will make a decision on your own accord... be careful... and be defensive.

When you turn 37, he will be 75. If you have kids, he will probably pass before they are even out of high school. You will still want sex when he is probably getting "over it" Is he healthy? Does he smoke or does he have any health problems? If so, you will probably be taking care of him. Do whatever you wish, but you do not have the right to complain about any of these things if you go into this with your eyes wide open. Take care !

I understand everyones point on this thread...that being said I wont state my opinion I'll simply share a story...

When my cousin was 18 years old she started dating a 40 yr. old man. She got pregnant and let her mom know right after she graduated. Her mom was furious, I'll spare all the details but there were lots of arguments. My aunt felt as though she was throwing her future away and was disgusted by this man considering he is only 3 years younger than my aunt. My cousin did very well in school...you know perfect grades, member of clubs, etc.

To make a long story short, her parents eventually got over it, they got married and now have two beautiful boys together. They are still married and happy 6 years later. My entire family, including myself, believe she couldn't have found a more perfect husband for herself. By the way, he was married previously but has no children with the ex.

Rare WhiteForest...

When she is 30, he will be 52. 30 is a woman's sexual peak, and 50-60 is the downfall for men.

I hope she knows that... it can be frusterating in relationships.

I really think this is a bad idea. How do you think his kids are going to react when they find out about you. How would your parents react, how would your dad alone react. It's totally wrong for a 17 year old girl to date a 41 year old man.

LOL, all pedos are nice & friendly...

While the situation is wrong for many reasons, it's nothing to do with paedophilia. You might not be an adult legaly at 17, but you're not a children anymore.

Rare WhiteForest...

 

When she is 30, he will be 52. 30 is a woman's sexual peak, and 50-60 is the downfall for men.

 

I hope she knows that... it can be frusterating in relationships.

I realize it is rare. As I stated I understand everyone's concerns. I freaked out when I found out about my cousin too. The situation with my cousin has not swayed my opinion on an older man dating a really young girl that much. I personally would never date an older man no matter what age I am, but I have been sexually abused so that's probably got a lot to do with it.

I agree there are many consequences possible here. I'm not in any way suggesting she get pregnant or go about their relationship too quickly. I was just merely pointing out that although rare, sometimes these things do work out.

Yes but (assuming she's still reading this thread which I doubt anyway) I don't think there should be a mixed message here. Your cousin may well have major problems in her marriage further down the road given the age gap (I'm not saying for sure, but it's quite likely). And in general 45 yr-olds should NOT date 17 yr-olds, for so many reasons I'm not even going to get started...

He is taking advantage of you. You are still a baby. You need to worry about finishing high school and going to college(if you want to go), and doing stuff kids your age do. Don't follow behind a man of that age who has already done everything you have done. Like someone said before, you will get bored soon.

OK,

I'd like to apologise if I panicked. It's just I am seeing things in this that do merit concern. Of course, I'm not close to the situation so I may have taken it for the worse possible scenario. I'd like to apologise for that if I can but feel I must still remain quietly concerned, which I will keep to myself.

However, Wandy27 puts it beautifully. I've seen this happen with a 31 year old male and a 19 year old girl. He's a good strong and honest friend of mine and I met his girlfriend, watched videos all as friends, spent time having drinks. She was absolutely adorable and lovely and I really liked the way she treated my friend and he treated her very well too, they were, for that period of time, a very good match. Can I say she was also very mature for her age. One year later, she gets a job in an office and starts meeting people her own age. Myself and my friends knew that our male friend was slowing down and not keen on going out, he preferred nights in and quiet restaurants etc etc. Then of course they split as she has met someone her own age and wants to do things with him. You see, my friend had already done a lot of these things and didn't need to any more. Where as, his girlfriend was just starting to learn to have fun.

I won't say any more and wish you well in your decision.

Millmogs

31 and 19 is different. 45 and 17 is wrong, wrong, wrong, period. Don't apologise millmogs, you were right.

Your friend's story sounds a bit like mine actually (I'm 27, she's 20). In these (completely legit) situations, sadly it's often the older party that gets hurt...

When I was 16 I liked someone 21yrs older than me. I knew he liked me but never acted on it. I was waiting to act until I was 18...finally it came and went and in those years I tried to figure out what I wanted from him. It came down to I could see no future together, all I could see was some dates and casual sex and so it was really hard but I moved on. And truth is I still think about him, and I still think it something ever could've been, but if I had went that route I wouldn't have met my boyfriend and had my beautiful baby girl.

I am not condoning your relationship but I am also not degrading you for it. I think there are alot of people on this site who like to say things bluntly but they are their own opinion and usually they come out sounding like they are degrading you or judging you based on your feelings or judgement, when this is a place supposed to be for advice. Yes advice is something like get away from this man, degrading is this man is using you, what can he see in you things like that.

My best advice is something someone else has already said, ask yourself why you cannot tell your parents. If it's because you think there is something wrong with your relationship with this man, or if it's because you value your parents opinion in the things you do and they will think it is wrong?

Lots of young women have a thing for older men, but thankfully very few of them act on it or get the chance to.

When I was 19 I fell in love with a man MUCH older than me. He was fond of me and very attracted but he gently made it clear that anything was out of the question. It says a lot for his calibre of a man that he did.

At the time I was like a sulky child who had not got what she thought she wanted--now I am SO GLAD that he did not take advantage of that situation, as I know how badly it would have wrecked my head.

You'll regret this profoundly when you're older. Walk away.