Trouble with a friend (sorry, long rant)

Hi,

I have known this individual from 1990 to 1996 and then we lost contact until I contacted him in 2003. Needless to say the whole era of teenage friendship got lost and we grew our separate ways.

Now at the time in 2003 I was getting pretty desperate in changing my social circle so I tried my best to get to know this person. I had only had a couple of drinks in the years before I met this guy. He partied every weekend. So I thought Id try it out too. Over the next 2.5-3 years I had a pretty sizable amount of alcohol intake. However I never really fit in with this guy and his small group of friends.

I ended up meeting a girl that made me spend less time with this friend. That relationship didnt work out, but the experience put things in perspective. April of last year I met a new wonderful girl who I am getting married to this Saturday.

My wife to be has had heart problems. So all of a sudden she could pass out and hit the floor and hit her head. Many nights I have remained awake to hold her when she had seizures (like epilepsy) and many a time have I called the paramedics and spent the night at the hospital. It was very scary on several occasions. She never remembered any of it when she woke up. She got operated on this February. And since then she has been at 100% health.

Since I met this girl I have had a reduced social relationship with the friend in question. I visited him on occasion. But it was a constant pressure on drinking. This guy now drinks 1-2 times in week days and always both Friday and Saturday. He has never had any girlfriends. As he is almost always drunk he says things that are hurtful to other people. As long as I have known him he always wants things from others. Want them to do things for him. And he never returns the favour. I cannot count the amount of times I have helped him with his computer for instance. Worst thing is.. I dont want anything back. What I get is a guy that smells of alcohol and is at no help at all.

When I brought my wife to be to his apartment before she was operated she had an incident and fell to the ground. The guy just stood there and did nothing to help.

The second time we visited I got a comment from him that I shouldnt bring her because she might fall over and die and he had to call the ambulance.

I actually forgave this comment because he was drunk! How incredibly crazy is that??!?!?!

He usually manages to give me a bad conscience (spelling?) when I say I cannot come over (because he wants a drinking partner). He recently told me that I only cared for her and not him. He felt so abandoned. When I write this now I really see how naive and stupid I have been.

Yet again we visited him a few weeks ago. I brought a friend of mine along with me. He had his two half brothers over and two women. One was supposedly been living with a guy for five years. The other.. I dont know.

We were supposed to discuss my bachelor party. He wasnt interested in that. So me and the friend I brought along tried to change the music. I got hammered with comments that the chicks were in control that night. Then he went over to massage this "living with man for five years" woman and rub her stomach etc! Lets just say that I had had enough. I argued with this woman he massaged. I argued with the half brother because he wanted to smoke inside when me and my girl are allergic and asthmatic. As we are in the friend in question`s house I look to him for assistance. Nothing.. Then they discussed why I brought my wife-to-be along.. Lets just say that we left furious.

We went to the city to some disco. Guess who is right behind us? Right.. They didnt say a word. We went inside and sat down. Guess who sat right besides us and didnt say anything? Right.. We left.

I have had no contact with him since then. He gave me a call one week later. That was the day I had my bachelor party.. I did not call him back.

I have heard nothing from him to this day. To think I actually invited this guy to my wedding! I hope he doesnt show.

Am I wrong in this? I have never stood up to this person. Ever. I am a shy and not too much of a talkative person and I avoid confrontations when I can. I am not proud of this. I just like to get along with most people. When that doesnt work, like now, then I dont know what to do. I really dont feel like talking to this guy again.

I would like to hear what you guys think..

Hello!

I've read your post with much attention.

I completely understand how you think.

The thing is there's no such thing as "evil" people. There's people who suffer greatly however.

I'm guessing your friend is frustrated with his life. My point is, he's got his reason for behaving the way he does.

Nobody constantly get drunk without any reason. There's something there. As to what it is... that's another story and really not the point.

You seem to have done your best to juggle your friendship and your wife. Not easy uh?

I'm not really keen on telling people how to run their show but I do have some questions you might want to ask yourself to find your own, personal answers:

1. Is this relationship worth it?

2. Is there any way I could talk to him to figure out what happened with him?

Remember that just because you forgive him doesn't mean that accept the way he treated you and you should tell him so.

E.

Thanks for the reply.

1. This has turned out to be a hard one. I think I have "outgrown" him so to speak. I do not feel the urge to party every weekend anymore. When I was alone everything was much easier. I was partly drunk when I was with this guy anyway so it was mostly just fun. But he really has turned out to be an asshole of jealousy(?) after I found my chosen one. He doesnt posess the ability to get close to a woman without being heavily intoxicated. Hell I was like that once. But I got over it. I realized it was futile to get to know someone properly like that. He has not.

2. Speak to him.. yea maybe somewhere down the road. I could tell him, but Id rather just avoid him for a long time. I cant stand his ability to make me feel bad somehow and talk bad about my wife to be. He is not the person you talk to about such things. That he has not contacted me and me him speaks volumes I think.

You are right. No one drinks that much without a reason. He doesnt have a life. Its almost pathetic. He doesnt have a life so why should others? He makes the female company of his buddies cry because he yells at them about their personal life. The more I think about this the more pissed off at his behaviour I get.

Thanks for reading my post.

Hi again Snillus,

Note that I didn't mention the drinking as a way of judging him as being pathetic but rather as a way of understanding him.

I think you're right in taking your distance from someone who makes you feel bad (I know that's what I do). Being compassionate doesn't mean that you allow people to harm you without any reasons.

What it does mean, however, is that this guy's life doesn't seem to satisfy him. His behaviours speak loads as far as his distress is concerned.

Don't forget that you were also in the same situation that he is now once (according to what you said).

I think you're right in disagreeing with his behaviour. I just hope you don't get pissed off at thim. Try to understand him instead while taking your distance, it will take make you a whole lot of good.

This is, of course, just my humble opinion and in no way am I enforcing it.

Congratualtions on your wedding!