Effects of breaking up on the mind?

Why is spliting up and moving on the most devistating thing to the mind? I read in a healing book by Dr Grey it is the hardest thing to get over, even over death of a family member why? Is it easy some not others?

i'm no expert or anything and i myself am going through healing from a recent breakup, but i think it's got something to do with 2 people being in a relationship (no matter how bad or shallow it may be) have some sense of being 1 body. i know that may seem abstract and maybe i'm not putting it into the best words, but the person you have a relationship with is somewhat of a life partner, someone you share and experience things you never would with a family member or friends, an extreme vulnerability you allow for the one you love. i guess for me it's almost like losing a part of yourself, a part of your life, and though family and friends can be very close as well, i don't think it really compares to someone you allow yourself to love and be intimate with. just my 2 cents, i could be completely wrong though

well, I think it is difficult to get over because you still have some hope that things can work out, or that you two can get back together. As opposed to a death, which is very final, and you know they will not be coming back, so you don't have that hope to grasp onto, so you are forced to start moving on.

of course, a death is also very traumatic, and I might say that a breakup may be for the best, there is someone out there that is better for you....but not everyone will see it that way, especially when you are in the midst of it.

It's because there is a profound feeling of failure, which there isn't with a death. As traumatic as it is, death is a natural occurrence. Breaking a relationship which was once everything to you feels unnatural.

Also, break up because of infidelity is hugely traumatic because your memories are not intact, as they are when someone dies. When someone dies they haven't betrayed you. But if someone close to you lies to you they have spoiled all of the memories you have of them, they have shaken your trust absolutely and made you doubt yourself and your perception of reality, and that is a devastating experience.

The only worse thing I can think of is finding out your partner has cheated on you after they have died. You can't even tell them what you think of them.

I often wondered why getting over someone is harder than getting over other things such as not getting into a college/graduate program that is your dream, or not getting your dream job and I have to say Annie24 hit the nail on the head...all of these things are permanent. Even though breakups are also often permanent, there is always the possibility that they are not and that is probably what makes them so much harder to get over than other things in life.

Its a life time transition we go thru. Yes the pain is worse that any death, believe me, experienced both. When a death occurs we learn to let go since there is no way of bringing them back. First year we cry for them, the second for ourselves.

With a breakup of a marriage, the pain is there for a longer time. We experience pain, anguish when we have to see them still. This can slower the healing process unlike death.

I experienced a death and a marriage breakup in less than a year. Time heals the soul, it really does. A year on and I'm stronger, wiser and looking forward to the single life. Life is good..

You have a very interesting point of view...it think describes really well what I'm feeling...even though I hadn't thought about it this way up until now...

I agree with this as well...I don't think I'll ever get truly over the ex until I accept that it's over and we're never ever getting back together again...I actually still have hope...maybe because he told me he thought he would come back or maybe because I'm stubborn...who knows...I think the only thing that would make me feel worse is if he was actually dead. I rather be broken up than knowing he's gone forever...but maybe it's because I never had to deal with death. I never had anyone I was close to die...

But breaking up with someone you truly love and that once loved you just as much if not more and now no longer does is the most painful and difficult thing I have ever went through...I felt like my life was over the day he broke up with me, I have never felt so much pain in my life. I don't even like to remember what it felt like, it was really bad...

I can honestly say that this has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. I don't know why, but it has been a real up and down emotional roller coaster ride since day one... It seems to diminish with time, but it is still there.... just in a weakened state. I hope that someday these feelings will go away completely.

I agree with the others that it's mostly about the acceptance.

I remember crying to my Mom that I could handle it better if he had died(I did NOT and do NOT wish him dead!)because he was gone but the pain of knowing he rejected me and is out there living the life I thought we would have with someone else is devestating.

I don't know how to get over it so I am of no use there at all!

i think all of these things are true- esp. the comments about losing a sense of yourself and holding out hope for getting back together..

additionally, i think the "what ifs" are really traumatic in a break up. it's really easy to blame yourself for what happened and go back and analyze all of your interactions w/ the person to try to figure out what went wrong. i kill myself with that

A wise man said to me once

"its hard because they're still around"

A wise man said to me once

 

"its hard because they're still around"

I told my ex that I could no longer talk to her again until she made her big move to LA because it was interferring with me trying to date again (in fact, it was the cause of my latest breakup with my latest GF). Since we had been doing a good job of being good to each other and being "just friends" this was hard for me.

Now that she's moved, it's actually even harder to deal with her. Never thought that would happen.

The breakup forums here remind of the support groups you hear about for victims of airplane accidents. You come here because it seems like no one can understand you, and then you realize that all of these people really do understand you completely and that they've walked the mile in your moccasins. I have to admit, it feels a lot better and healthier to get everything out in the open here then it does to burden a close friend.

yes breakups can be devastating. when you have a true connection with someone and you are completely in love with them, it hurts like hell to have to let them go. far worse is knowing that down the road they will eventually find someone else and you will be nothing but a memory to them, something that no longer exists. breakups are NEVER easy. the pain hits you hard when you realize they no longer love you or that its really over. it can make you feel sadder and more alone than you've ever felt. you think you'll never get over them and that the hole in your heart will just keep getting bigger...but as time goes on you will feel stronger and it will all make sense. just know that it didnt work out because there is someone else out there who IS right for you and who will last. there is always that one person you have to let go of that absolutely rips your heart out in the process. when you get past all the pain you will be a stronger person.

I have been through 5 major relationships and breakups in the 14 years since my divorce. My divorce, while difficult, was a slow and drawn out process that included input from both my ex and I.

That's the missing piece in 4 of the 5 breakups I've been through since my divorce, I had no say at all. That's why it's so traumatic, because, as those who have been dumped, we have no power or ablility to influence or often even contribute our thoughts and feelings to a back that's walking away, often with hands over ears and no interest in what our feelings might be. Our entire perception of ourselves and of our relationship changes in that moment, even if we've had strong feelings that it was coming.

I actually developed an irregular heartbeat that has required medication because the stress of my breakup was so taxing on my physically....now I know why they call it heartbreak!

I don't think there's any other human need (the desire for intimate connection to a significant other) that is stronger than what we experience as we fall in love. It's biochemical, and influences us in many ways we may not perceive until it's suddenly withdrawn from us, through no plan or our own. I keep saying "I don't have another one in me like this" and yet, with each situation, I have learned and grown and can see not only why the relationships failed, but why they were not meant to be.

I still hope that someday I can have a long term relationship, and I know I can recover, (bad heart and all) so I will risk again when the time is right!

I agree with all that has been said -- in particular, as bear12 says, that with a break-up, you are left with lingering feelings of where you went wrong, what you should have done differently and whether that might have 'saved' things. With a death, you are not in control of that situation; it doesn't "take two to tango" for someone to die.

I do think it depends on who has died though -- I can't imagine being widowed with 3 young children at the pinnacle of life and not having that bereavement be much better than a break-up. I have never been in that situation, so I don't know to compare. But still, as Cimmie says, there still is no sense of personal failure (though in some cases, that might be said, too; some people are haunted with guilt, especially with unexpected deaths that they may have "seen coming".)

My father died 2 months before my ex left me -- my dad being THE most powerful person in my life who up to this point, has groomed me in such a fashion that even though he loved me, there was always the projected threat that I would lose his love and could not be appreciated for who I was. Is there any greater definition of a double whammy? My childhood "hero" (and then villain) died, and then the man who I thought would finally prove all of this fear of being rejected by, left, also, in tandem. And it was so strange that all I could think about was how devastated I was over the breakup -- I mourned my father, but it was like a footnote compare to the loss of my bf -- because the loss of my ex was so traumatic, I could not really deal with my father. Though I sense that it is a bit repressed and catching up to me (I sat at his graveside alone yesterday, Father's Day, crying and asking him for advice, it was such a helpless and childlike feeling!!)

But someone asked me at the time (which was one year ago), "Why is it that you are focusing so much on this breakup when you've just had your DAD DIE?" They were really asking me from a perplexed state. They said, you have had a whole life with your father compared to a 13 month history with this man.

And I said, my father was about the PAST. When someone old passes away, it is part of life, to be expected. And our trials together I had come to some terms with, as much as they set me up for a lifetime of difficulty. But my beloved was my FUTURE -- a growing thing that was just beginning to hatch into something I thought would be built, and be great. The love you share in a relationship is about living the rest of your life together (hopefully, or at least if it's seriously intentioned), whereas when someone dies (who is not yor significant other), you still have your future ahead of you for the most part.

However, I will say this: my sister is my best friend, and we have been "soulmates" since she was 2 and I mothered her. And if she were to die, I don't think I would ever heal, as I cannot see this life without her. She and I understand eachother the way no one else does (mutually), and even as much as this breakup has demolished my heart, if my sister died, I can't even imagine a day that I would feel recovered. As long as she is alive, I know I am not alone, and it goes both ways (and she's married!) I know that some day I will recover from this breakup, it just feels like I'm dying now. Wow...for the first moment today I'm strangely grateful for this breakup! (ONLY by comparing it to the death of my dearest friend!) Geez. Puts things in an odd perspective all of a sudden!

I think when anyone leaves us, a part of us "dies." It is just a question of what kind of central or peripheral role that person had to us in how we see them participating in the duration of our lives.

Sometimes I wonder if grieving is like wallking into a room where you can wallow in the hurt and sorrow, cry, lament, touch and feel the pain .... and then finally walk out the otherside and close the door behind you. It's not like you were never in the room, but you don't have to live there.

I lost one best friend to death on Christmas day, a second in early April ... I'll miss them forever, but I lost my love just a few weeks ago and not having my two best friends to be with me has made the pain of losing him harder. I agree about the hope ... when you lose your relationship, you lose all the dreams and future that you believed in, you have to grieve that also.

Even though I know it is probably what has to be, doesn't make if feels less ... so I guess I wander into that room, give grief and lose a real hard look and hope I find my way out before too long.

Vamps,

For the first 9 years of my 11 year year relationship, I took it all for granted. I rarely felt anxiety, I was never depressed, I always existed in the present, and I just had an easy way about me. I always had perfect sleep, and even when my GF was distressed or upset, it didn't affect me. I was always a rock, and not becasue I had to try much. Literally, I just felt at peace with who I was in this relationship.

After my breakup, I was a different person. Like a lot of stories you hear at ENA, I lost weight, I couldn't sleep (for the first time in my life), I couldn't focus or concentrate at work. Literally, I lost my identity. I didn't know who I was. Since I was never as close to my family as I liked, my GFs family was like my real family. So, in a way, losing my relationship was like losing my family.

The one positive that happened was that I turned to my little sister for the first time in my life and developed a very tight bond with her when there was no bond at all before. We went from perfect strangers to this amazing closeness practically overnight, and I felt such joy that I had now made this kind of connection with one of my family members. It took the loss of my relationship to make that happen. And although i'm in grieve mode again after my last breakup, I imagine that this too will force another door open for me. I'm not sure what it is yet, but I just have faith that it will happen. Like you said, knowing that you can depend on someone who will ALWAYS be there for you is huge.