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Rant: I can't express myself knowing that my bf is watching me.


SherriLi

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*sighs* I just need to get this out of my system.

 

I have come to love another forum, like this one.... So much that when my bf moved back in with me, i created a new user name, so i could use it at night while he is preoccupied in his own interests.

 

Well, things didn't go as planned. I was naive to think that he'd be ok with me posting on it. He hated the fact that i was posting there. Even though i gave him my user name password, etc... so he could see that it was innocent.

 

Now, when i want to rant... or give advice, or share expereinces... I can't! I hate this.. I sit on my fav. internet place to be at work, and there are so many things that i want to say, but i can't because i know that he reads every post i make, and at times critisizes my advice... or get's offended if i post anything "he" thinks is inappropriate..... So most of the time, i just sit frustrated and not post my thoughts and feelings.

 

Sometimes i want to rant about him... but i can't...

 

This bites.. man it really bites...

 

I so regret telling him about it. I wish that i wasn't so naive and kept it strictly for work with my old username... damn!

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

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make a new user name and dont tell him!!!! unless youre bashing him, which I assume you're not, then ask him why he cares. You have a right to free speech just like everyone else.

 

theres also a rant & rave section on link removed and you can post anonomously, but you get a confirmation email when you make a posting...so change your email password so he doesnt go through your stuff!

 

-DG724

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make a new user name and dont tell him!!!! unless youre bashing him, which I assume you're not, then ask him why he cares. You have a right to free speech just like everyone else.

 

theres also a rant & rave section on link removed and you can post anonomously, but you get a confirmation email when you make a posting...so change your email password so he doesnt go through your stuff!

 

-DG724

 

No i'm not bashing, but we have issues and i have come to know a few people on that site and i would love their advice on things... But i can't ask because he reads everything.

 

I'm hestitant to make a another new username, because he is on the site alot, and i'm sure he'd pick me outa the crowd easily... I picked him out the second i seen the new member name at the bottom of the forum.. he denied it but temp internet files proved his lie.

 

Thing is it's THE SITE... Like my own little hide away from real life that i like to escape to everynow and then... I don't want to go anywhere else.

 

Your boyfriend sounds a little controlling. I'm not saying break up with him because I don't know anything about your relationship...but just watch out for that.

 

Yes, i know that he's controlling in some ways, and jealous too. He's jealous of me talking to members of the opposite sex on there... while he shouldn't be, as he posts every now and then also.

 

Thanks for your words Daligal & DG724

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I'm curious why your boyfriend thinks it's inappropriate for you to be posting- are most of the posts about him?

 

It does seem a bit controlling. Is he controlling in other ways?

 

 

Hope, none of the posts are about him... I wouldn't dare post any of our problems knowing he's watching... I did with my last user name and everyone basically said, leave him, called him names etc... if that happened he'd get offended and start an argument or something... I don't want to bring any negativity to the board... So i don't post anything about our rel.

 

I don't want to cause conflicts between us, so i refrain from posting my thoughts and advice even... because he gets critical. It sucks to have your advice undermined by your partner.

 

He is controlling in some ways... but that is something i've learned to deal with... i.e.. he doesn't want me going out to bars because he can't stand the thought of men thinking they can pick me up.... or him fearing i'll get too drunk and sleep with someone... which would NEVER happen.

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I just regret losing my old username, because i was friendly with everyone... now because i'm a newbie again... i get ignored

 

A few i think... have a clue it's me, although at times i'm terrified that they will blatantly ask are u so and so? then i'm royally screwed !

 

Only one person on there knows it's me...

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Hmmm....

 

I don't think that being controlled is something that you should "learn to live with".

 

It's also concerning that other people were telling you to leave him when you posted about prior problems with him- sounds like it might be pretty serious, and not just 'everyday' stuff that gets couples down.

 

Do you want to talk about it?

 

Are you really happy with him?

 

Or just 'dealing with' him?

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Hmmm....

 

I don't think that being controlled is something that you should "learn to live with".

 

It's also concerning that other people were telling you to leave him when you posted about prior problems with him- sounds like it might be pretty serious, and not just 'everyday' stuff that gets couples down.

 

Do you want to talk about it?

 

Are you really happy with him?

 

Or just 'dealing with' him?

 

 

Hi Hope, It's funny that you said "just dealing with him" because our last fight.. he said that sometimes he feels that i'm just dealing with him... putting up with him so to speak.

 

I love him more than anything... and we've had one hell of a roller coaster ride.. but we are doing better and are learning to communitcate and meet eachother's needs alot better than before we broke up.

 

I guarantee that our problems weren't just everyday problems.. But we are both trying in such areas that are needed to make eachother happy.

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Your boyfriend seems to have MAJOR control issues, it also seems like he's very nosey. I am assuming he constantly checks on your computer history, trying to find out if you're hiding something. Word of advice dear... If he is trying to accuse you of doing something wrong, and you're not, it means he's guilty of something himself. My husband used to point the finger at me that I was lying to him, cheating on him and sleeping with everyone at work. Come to find out, he had a guilty streak a mile wide and was trying to put blame on me so he could feel better about himself. And yes, he was working on a relationship with someone else while he was accusing me of sleeping with my coworkers. Amazing how guilt makes people act.

 

Stand up to your boyfriend, you are your own person and you don't need someone controlling you and telling you what do to. You ARE independent, you just have to make yourself independent from him.

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Hiyah I've been following your threads - you need to leave this guy.

 

SERIOUSLY. He has a major issue - he's trying to control your life at all aspects, even in terms of who YOU speak to to seek counselling etc.

 

This guy is a psycho. Sorry to say this.

 

The fact that you're being STALKED on the internet posting your feelings and he's watching your every move? FORGET IT!

 

I think I mentioned earlier - do you want to start a family with him in the future and if you do - will he abuse/control them as much as he's done to you????

 

My bf know's I'm pretty addicted to this site, he's seen my username and probably read my posts about him, but he's fine with it. He has only said that if I feel like I need support from others, I should seek it because it's HEALTHY.

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DM, i'm so sorry to hear about your husband! What a piece of work he sounded like! You used past tense, so i take it you have left him?

 

Yes, he checks the history, as do i... I know that he deletes his history because i check temorary internet files as well, which he doesn't know about. That's how i know he checks up on me so much. Somedays while i'm working and he's off, he'll spend alllll day on my site..

 

I thank you for your advice about maybe thinking that he's guilty of something.. But in all truth I know he isn't. He cheated in the past, and has been open about his email etc... to reassure me that he can be trusted. Also he's not cheating because ... lol... he never leaves the house! He is a home body and that is one of our other problems we are working on.

 

Him taking me places and doing things with me other than rotting infront of the tv or computer. We are going out this sunday. Yay! I can't wait... LOL listen to me... heck you can tell i don't get out much .... lol

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Sherri,

 

I have a feeling your friends/family don't approve of this guy.

 

I could be completely wrong here...BUT...I doubt it.

 

Hear me out...

 

You seem very 'comfortable' with him and these unhealthy behaviors. sometimes you find yourself unhappy/suffocated/claustrophobic in this relationship (like when you find out he's snooping...take a minute and think about it) and yet you stay because the fear of starting over with someone new, or being alone scares the crap out of you.

 

I have no doubt that you guys have been through a lot of turmoil. I believe it still exists..and his sketchy past of cheating explains why he is constantly checking up on your online status.

 

Theres something called 'codependant relationships' and what they consist of is negative cause & effects. He did this, so now I do this...he stalks me, so now I stalk him...instead of enabling these kind of behaviors and finding excuses for them to exist, you both need to realize that an unreasonable action can't be 'fixed' by another unreasonable reaction. This cycle will continue and dig itself deeper and deeper and soon enough neither of you will be able to breath unless the other says so!

 

If children eventually get caught up in the mix of a relationship like this, your family foundation will be built on lack of trust and too much control. A healthy reationship allows each partner to be themself and to love and respect this person even through their faults.

 

I am by no means perfect, and I am guilty myself from at times behaving inappropriately, but I do have the sense of understanding to realize what behaviors aren't contributing anything good to my relationship and I try to set a path for the 2 of us so it doesnt continue. "Dealing" with someone isn't what love is. You may be confusing the meaning of "love" with the meaning of "conformity".

 

Conformity is the process by which people's beliefs or behaviors are influenced by others. People can be influenced via subtle, even link removed processes, or by direct and overt link removed. Conformity can have either good or bad effects on people, from driving safely on the right side of the road, to harmful drug or alcohol abuse.
He is straight up taking away something from you that you enjoy. You might be a very creative, expressive person and all he is doing is surpressing you and your God given right to express yourself. Picture yourself in a relationship where your quirks, personal interests and freedom of expression is honored and encouraged. Not censored and caged up by some guy.

 

You are losing touch with who you are and accepting whatever is being dealt to you. Your self image is as good as garbage and it's only going to get worse. Remember just because you're comfortable doesn't make it okay. He is manipulating you to conform to his beliefs and what he feels is 'appropriate'. Let me tell you something that may open your eyes a bit. It may not have gotten this far, yet, or maybe it has-I don't know...but the main factor in an abusive relationship is CONTROL. It's usually based on the 'abusers' lack of control of themselves in combination with the abuser's poor self esteem...and they try to fill these void by instead controlling others and making themselves feel more "important and strong". This kind of control comes in various forms: control of who their partner can or can not speak to, what their partner can or can not wear, times when their partner can or can not do certain things-or have to be home by, and the list goes on.

 

And it is important to remember that not all abuse is "physical". There is verbal and emotional abuse that is just as defeating.

 

What boundries have you set for this relationship? It seems to me he is, has been, and will continue to make the rules and walk all over you and you will just accept it.

 

What are your limits?

What will piss you off enough to start putting your foot down? He already cheated on top of other things....what else will you "learn to accept"?

 

Truly ask yourself do you LOVE this guy, or do you just FEAR LOSING HIM?

then more importantly ask yourself:

DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF, THE PERSON YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR?

 

It certainly doesn't seem like this guy does.

 

Don't fear the unknown, figure out what you want in a relationship and what limits you will set for yourself. There should always be room for adjustments when in a relationship...small things like:

 

"Ok, I'm willing to give up going to strip clubs because it hurts my GF."

or

"Ok, I will cut down on my flirting because it upsets my BF."

 

Scenarios like that are okay and encouraged because it is taking their partners feelings into consideration. When someone is raping you of your human rights to privacy and freedom of expression, and your desire to speak freely and write, that is NOT what a relationship is about!

 

You are enabling negative behaviors and reciprocating them with equally negative behaviors. The direction you both are going in is an ugly one, and it will only get worse unless you both get some serious help.

 

I hope you take in some of what I said here.

 

Goodluck.

 

-DG724

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I have to agree with DragonGirl - look to YOUR own self worth - perhaps you feel that you can live like this for the rest of your life. But are you really coping? You obviously feel trapped already. And how will your children cope if you chose to have a family with him in the future?

 

Sorry if I sound like I'm pressurising you but I understand from your previous thread that this man physically beat you - and reading what he did to you pressed a big fat "ALERT" button in my mind.

 

You need to leave him.

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I have to agree with DragonGirl - look to YOUR own self worth - perhaps you feel that you can live like this for the rest of your life. But are you really coping? You obviously feel trapped already. And how will your children cope if you chose to have a family with him in the future?

 

Sorry if I sound like I'm pressurising you but I understand from your previous thread that this man physically beat you - and reading what he did to you pressed a big fat "ALERT" button in my mind.

 

You need to leave him.

 

 

Sherri, I didn't even know it got physical (I haven't read through any of your previous posts)..I know where this is headed without even knowing every detail. The thing is-you know it too...you're just too scared to accept it. That's okay, seek comfort in your friends, family, counselor etc..you don't have to 'tolerate' anything you don't feel comfortable with.

 

-DG724

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Thanks Girls... Your advice and words have really enlightened me on my relationship and where it's heading.

 

I know that it's an unhealthy one and that it may not even be able to be saved. There are ALOT of hurtful memories from our past. AND to this day i know i'm not truly over the things that he did to me. When we argue they come out. I cry and cry. I shove them in his face when he's yelling at me over some remark that i made.... that started the fight in the first place.

 

Its usually something small and insignificant (in my eyes, compared to what he has done in the past) that starts these fights. Then i think... "how could he possibly be upset by my muttering under my breath "you never take me anywhere" compared to his cheating and the friendship that broke us up to the time he beat me..... and i get sooooo angry. Angry that he could get so upset at me over something that doesn't even compare.

 

I do love him. That i know. I'm confused about the first 2 years of the rel. in comparison with this last one. The comparison is like black and white. It really confuses me... but the thing is....

 

I love him. I fought for him (as stupid as it seems now) and now he's finally acting (pretty much) the way he should have been in the beginning. How can i leave now? After i've finally won the man that i wanted? I know i sound pathetic... "fighting for someone" it's not really how it sounds.... If you want to know i can pm u if you'd like but.. well it's just the way that things have gone.

 

DG174: Yes, sometimes i am scared of being alone. I was terrified that he was leaving me before we broke up. I somehow knew that he was leaving.

 

But after we broke up and he moved away, that feeling ebbed. I wasn't scared to be alone, because the truth was.. that i never was alone! I had all my old friends come back into my life, i was making new ones every where i went. My family was always over! Most of my time was spent on the comp. IMing him though. when i wasn't i was with my girls, friends and family.

 

He started having a problem with me having people over every weekend because we couldn't chat as much. But i wouldn't let him control me from afar. I got alot of support then from my fav forum at that time also. You are also right about my family not approving of him. But they seen the pain that he put me through.

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Ok, so you are both working on the relationship together- that is a positive step.

What sort of problems are you working on?

Do you think that controlling behavior on either side is healthy or respectful to one another?

 

Well, when we fight.. we fight. We both have super tempers. And I know everyone is going to tell me i'm being abused when i say this... But here i say it again anyway.

When we fight, we end up yelling at one another. I always just want to walk away and get a breath when i lose it. So i leave the room... he follows and keeps yelling. When i try to leave again, he either pushes me back onto the bed, or stands infront of the door so i can't leave. This suffocates me and makes my temper worse. I have called him some nasty things... horrible names. Hes called me names back although not as bad. I've even went to lengths of slapping him because he traps me in a room or on the bed and feel helpless... I know it's wrong what i did.. he also knows that when he does does this, i lose all composure and call him names or slap him... but he would still do it anyway.

I've promised him i'd do everything in my power NOT to lose it... as long as he gives me air to breathe when we have a disagreement and he doesn't sceram in my face and doesn't restrict me to one room.

For example last weekend. My sis and her bf came over. She was going on and on about this place he took her. (MY bf doesn't ever want to do anything with me) She kept insisting that he take me there too. Well i was getting bitter because he never wants to go anywhere with me. So it came out of my loose lips... and upset him. i said "x doesn't like the outdoors" he said that he did... and i replied under my breath so only he could hear "why don't you ever take me anywhere then" He got mad about this after and when they left we had a fight about it... it came down to me never being able to please him... I never feel adequate, there's aways something that i'm doing wrong... I was fed up with this so i told him it was over... he wouldn't take no for an answer and the above happened again...

The next day we made up... My sis invited us over for drinks and a weiner roast we had an awesome time. I stayed out too late, had too much to drink and had to take a taxi home.

 

The next day he was freakin pissed again. But he brang up me calling him names again. He grilled me all day. I told him i couldn't take anymore and told him it was over once again. I ignored him all day, he followed me around and when he could see that i wasn't going to even bother listening to him rant at me anymore, he broke down crying and said he'd do what ever he could to make me happy.

 

I told him i didn't want him to drink so much anymore. THat i was sick of sitting around on weekends doing nothing but drinking and watching tv or playing video games. We have a pool table (i'm a pool fanatic), i love to play crib... But i can't even do these things with him either. If i win (which is most of the time) he gets sooo mad. He's too competitive. It takes all the fun out of it when the loser gets mad. I hate it.

 

He promised that we'd do more things as a family on weekends, more outings etc. So that should help. I've built up a little resentment about him not wanting to spend time anywhere with me except for in front of the tv ya know?

 

No, i really don't think that controlling behavior is healthy. But by him being more open, with his email etc.. not going to a nasty place that he used to go to where i know that young girls were constantly after him, things like that... Is that controlling? Even though he cheated in the past? Him doing things like this has really built up my trust for him.

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What are your limits?

What will piss you off enough to start putting your foot down? He already cheated on top of other things....what else will you "learn to accept"?

 

Truly ask yourself do you LOVE this guy, or do you just FEAR LOSING HIM?

then more importantly ask yourself:

DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF, THE PERSON YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR?

 

Sorry DG174... i have a VERY bad habit of rambling on and adding way too much info... I sometimes forget about questions asked, which is the most important part of responding to someone trying to help

 

I put my foot down when he refused to stop contact with his ex-girlfriend that he cheated with last october. We broke up, and got back together, he then stopped contact with her.

 

I have been on the brink of breaking up with him lately. I can't take fighting anymore. I know that it's a two way street. I know that i am part of the problem. But it seems that there is no way to deal with him when we argue. He just gets me soo angry.

 

It was different before we broke up DG, the shoe was on the other foot. He had his finger on me, i did everything to please him. I have since stopped that, and he's been trying to make things up to me. In alot of different ways. But we still have these nasty fights regardless every now and then.

 

I do truly love him, i do. I'm not staying because i don't think that i could do any better, i know that i can. But I really do love this man.

 

I love myself, of course, I have done ALOT that i'm not proud of. But who hasn't? I know that i have a good heart and i am an honest person. I admit, that i'm very angry when i look back, and see what i let him get away with. How i allowed myself to be stomped on over and ove rlike a friggen doormat. I haven't forgiven myself for that. My site, has made me ALOT stronger a person than i was when i first met him. THat is one reason why i don't want to give it up.

 

I know i stand for alot of sh*t... Believe me DG, i know.

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Sherri,

 

I think you're in denial about the real progression of your rels and how your bf really treats you. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes a little pushing and shoving in arguments is experienced - not in everyone but in some "hot-headed" couples. But locking you in a room or barring your way? Beating you until your face is blue? Sorry that's not "love", that's "psychopathic".

 

So he cries - and you forgive him. How many times have YOU cried and he forgave you and gave you a loving hug? My guess is none, zero, nothing. You say that arguments are mainly your fault that you're the one that needs to curb or temper - I don't see him putting his hands up admitting that he has a problem.

 

And in terms of your rels? Anything romantic to do together? Hell he doesn't even bother taking you out, and you're still around?!? Perhaps you feel that you deserve to be treated like crap?

 

I hate to say this but if I were a close friend or family member of yours I would refuse to have him in the same room as me let alone agree to see you with this man. In fact I would really work my * * * off to take you away from him. Obviously you can't see that you're making excuses for him and he's draining your emotions.

 

I asked you before "what does a relationship mean to you, what does love mean to you?" - I'd be interested to know. Because I believe that if you get out now you could be posting in a yrs time telling us a different story, telling us that you've got a great bf who treats you like a queen and who would never ever raise his hand at you. And you'd be free, to be creative, to help others on forums like this.

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I do truly love him, i do. I'm not staying because i don't think that i could do any better, i know that i can. But I really do love this man.

 

So what is love to you? What do you love about this man? And do you feel that you should be with someone if you know you can do better?

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