A Journal of the Abused

Dear W.

I am so happy that I am out of the trashy relationship you put me through. I mean, what happened to us? I dont understand. You were this amazing guy for 3 years and in the last 3 months, all that went down the drain. I dont know why you turned like that...the only thing that matters is that you did.

AHHHHHH! You make me so frustrated. I mean, what the hell is up with all the interrogating and questioning of my whereabouts and what i do and do not do. Like, c'mon buddy, I'm a big girl...I can decide for myself what to do and what not to do with my life. AND YOU...gosh. I thought you loved me but I guess I was wrong because LOVE is about caring and understanding of the other person's wants and needs. YOU were obsessed....not with me, but with yourself.

I WASNT the one that made you happy. What made you happy was me being obedient and listening to you 24/7. I mean, you supposedly "LOVED" me because I did everything you said. AND DONT give me this crap about the whole deal about it always being about me. ITS NOT ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME IDIOT! Dont you understand? ITS NEVER ABOUT ME! ITS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!

We talk about what you wanna talk about which is ALWAYS sex. You do what you want...feel me up without my will, show up at the movies uninvited and I tell you that I dont want you there...you do whatever you want. I tell you to leave me alone but of course not, can you leave me alone? ITS IMPOSSIBLE! EFF YOU! you're effin impossible. I HATE YOU!

And listen up buddy, my emotions are not stupid. Okay? When I feel something, it should be of worth to you. If I feel hurt, you probably did something to cause it. But obviously all that matters is how you feel...and me? oh wait. i'm that wh-re you call at 3:00 at night to see if we can "talk about sex" and you jack off on the phone. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD! I HATE YOU!

M.

Going by what you posted, he was obsessed with you for 3 years, that's 3 years of him building up fantasies in his head, he seemed "amazing" cause you were not with him. Once he got you, he could live out his odd fantasies. It doesn't seem all that strange to me considering the facts, he was a weirdo, got obsessed with you, you finally gave him a chance and he went hog wild, the guy needs mental help.

You take care of yourself and I am glad you ended it.

Dear W.

So Its only been a day where I haven't talked to you. Actually two days now. And I miss you so much already. Well. I dont really miss YOU but I miss the old you--like the one I've been missing for the last 3 months. So its not so bad. The pain is heavier these days cuz finals are approaching and it really sucks dealing with a broken heart and the stress of a year worth of material that is somewhere in the deep---deeper---more deep realms of my mind.

So I have you blocked online and sometimes I kept unblocking to you see if you were online. I saw you online for a split of a second and I quickly blocked you again. Everytime the phone rings and it says: "restricted"..I think its you and my heart races, and I pick it up...even though I know I shouldn't. But still...I do. But it isn't you. Its S. Talking about S, he's such a nice guy that's also liked me for quite a long time now and just wants to help me through this rough patch in my life. [: I dont know if i can like him like that though...I mean, yeah sure, he's nice and okay-looking but I donno. Right now, the idea of dating someone seems out of question.

The whole break-up hasn't really sunk in yet because even though, we weren't in a relationship, and you were still an * * * * * * * to me, I was kinda hanging on to loose memories of the early parts of our relationship and we still talked regulary on the phone as "friends". Of course, these stupid conversations also had sex involved and occasional masturbation on your part which you knew I was unbeilevably uncomfortable with. I mean, all of our "future" crumbling hasn't started for me yet because I haven't started to feel that feeling yet because you convinced me so much that we were going to end up together.

i think its going to take a while for that feeling to settle in. That feeling of "wow! Its not gonna last!" Of course that will be the lovely time of another Trail of Tears in my life but c'mon now, what can ya do? stick it out. Besides, I donno. I sometimes ponder about how much you changed me. Wow. i mean, weren't my morals what attracted you to me in the first place? Or so u claimed. I donno. I dont really care. Whatever. Haha, I think Imma go study for finals and get some sleep. Besides, college is out soon so there's only so many more days i'm REQUIRED to see you. [:

And W. I'm a pretty, smart, and incredible girl...ur gonna be missing me!

M.

P.S: I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be way more emotional than my previous entry.

Grr. 3 Days. I love how at lunch and our other classes, you pretend like you're so happy and that you dont even give a crap that I'm gone. Its almost like ur rubbing it in my face like: "HEY! I DONT NEED YOU!" Which is quite retarded cuz if you feel the need to do that, then, believe it or not, you probably do need me.

I donno. I'm glad I left you. It hurts but the hurt hasn't really sunk in yet because i haven't truly accepted that its over. I feel like my mind is subconsciously trying to delay that raealization till after finals. Repressed thoughts....

M.

Hard letting go isn't it? Its hard for a good person to let those final ties break, even though we know it is for the best.

People like him however, their hearts are often so hard, they see it as a chance to try new horizons.

*kiss* Gonna be ok, I promise.

Wow. Today was an extremely tough day. I saw you in the library and you and your friends were talking about getting together this weekend and everything...even if it is for studying and KAREOKE?! ugh....I mean, I dont know. I really hate how you pretend like you don't even care anymore. I mean, you didnt even consider that I was there, once. And you were talking to H. and you were just like: "what if i slapped you?!" And i donno...i know you were kidding. But I just felt so disgusted. Just because, of everything that happened between us. I mean, I still wonder, how it got that way...I dont understand at all. It just made me cringe cuz it reminded me all of the crap about "if you dont do this, this will happen to you."

I mean, there are so many reasons I shouldn't be with you at all. You became this mean controlling person. I'm gonna make a list to convince myself of why I need to stay away from you.

• You always talk about sex even when I ask you not to

• Every conversation, including the 4 minute-phone calls, have involved sex.

• You continously jack off on the phone even though I ask you not to.

• You get angry when I dont tell you where I am. I mean, what is up with that?!

• You yell at me when I refuse to tell you where I am because I dont want you there.

• "I'm coming to T.Center even if you dont want me there!"

• "If you love me...you'll let me do this".

• "Wear black pants and a pink shirt because I wanna feel you up and if you dont...you know what'll happen"

• You control who I hang out with (dont hang out with S. Dont talk to V. about sex).

• Statements like: "GOD YOU PISS ME OFF!"

• I JUST WANNA EFF YOU

• I'm gonna finger you tell you get sore.

• WHY DONT YOU EVER SAY I LOVE YOU BACK TO ME!?!

• I CANT LEAVE YOU ALONE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT IT.

• Having sex the way you want it or else....

• ^ you know that scares me because i've been raised up in an abusive environment.

• You grabbed me forcefully without my will and felt me up (I should've just broken things off at that point).

• You told me not to go to J with prom because "you weren't going" and then end up going with H. I mean, I dont care if she's just your friend. YOU LIED.

• Whenever, I'm upset...no matter how upset...its always: "guess what? I have a boner"

• Promising not to talk about sex etc. etc. constantly or jack off but doing it without informing me and even when I tell you to stop, you dont.

• Threatening me if I dont listen to everything you say.

• Knowing that I'm crying, but not doing anything about it...just carrying on with what you do.

• Making me feel like my feelings are stupid: "GOD WHY DO YOU MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THINGS?!" and "You're over-reacting".

• You knew my morals and you knew how much I was giving up (my family, my religion, my friends, my everything) to be with you and you never cherished that and never stopped.

• Promised to change as a bait but then never did...

• Telling me you never felt "guilty" for doing things because ur "W." and you dont ever feel guilty.

• Ticking me off by explaining that "I'm being nice to you for this millisecond" but then jacking off or doing something else that makes me uncomfortable.

• Hitting me back when I'm just messing around with you.

• "WHY THE HECK WERE YOU HOLDING HANDS WITH ANOTHER GUY?!"

• Lying to me about going to an afterparty after Prom and getting crazy drunk. But whatever. its all good.

• Forcing me to stay on the phone with you and making me say things that I didn’t want to.

• SAY YOU WANT ME to EFF YOU WHICHEVER WAY I WANT. IF YOU DON’T SAY IT, I’M GOING TO….

• Saying that I’m crazy for feeling the way I do even though EVERY girl would feel that way if a guy treated her like this.

• Yelling at me and accusing me of cheating on you if you felt insecure about losing

• After yelling at me/ticking me off/ hurting me…at first you used to call me and tried to make everything better, but soon enough, you never called back. Once you had your fun, you left me there…crying…calling S. to help me.

• “Why are you always such a bad girl?!”

• “You’ll let me do anything with you right?” (like an object?)

• Lying to me about everything…about how you believed in God but you were an atheist.

• Calling other people such as Rocky and Adam stupid. I should’ve known.

• After treating me like crap, you say: “baby, I love you” which made me cry harder because how can I believe that after constant putting down.

• You always forced me to almost “submit” to your will.

• Blaming everything on me.

• Saying that I was the one that made everything wrong because I stopped joking around with you. IS IT NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE LIGHTNESS OUT OF OUR CONVERSATIONS WAS GONE WHEN YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAID?!

• You broke me as a person because you made me do everything you say or else you would threaten me

- your attitude after the break-up (like rubbing it in my face that you dont need me. gee thanks.)

- the fact that you're always talking about these other girls and how nice and beautiful they are. I mean...it wouldn't be a big deal but the fact is that you do it all the time and that really ticks me off. I mean, what if all the time, i'm like: "mmm B. is so hot..." I mean. I dont understand. its effed up.

- you always claim that we're meant to be but then compeltely change your mind and tell me about how ur gonna find "the one" in the summer and ur actually damn serious about it. how interesting

- you go around telling other people like kristen about how we always LIE to eachother. gee. that really shows how much you respect our relationship.

- If I dont talk to you on the phone, its always hell. I mean, even if i want to get off, there is no getting off the phone allowed because I'm yours right? Right? Like an effin object.

- Ur always making me cry because you claim to change but then you do the same things over and over and over and over again...the whole jacking off deal...you ALWAYS do it! and its RIDICULOUS!

- You go to the movies with a 1000 different girls and then get mad if I even talk to Sal on the phone?! gahh! That is so hypocritical. You can do whatever you want but I have to make YOU happy. EFF that crap!

- You never ask me about how I feel when you do certain things. Its always like: "well..if you wont go to the movies with Sal, it wont hurt me!" but do you realize how much it hurts me when you talk about other girls? I mean. You're a great guy W. Amazing.

- Always pushing the instances of hanging out and doing things or coming over to my house even though you know i'm completely not comfortable with that. I'm just sick of you W. I'm completely done with it.

- You always claim that everyone else in the world is a liar but not you. YOU...you never lie. Not about the afterprom party...not about anything.

- You do little things to hurt me because you KNOW they will hurt me...what is up with that?! I mean, thats really sweet right? The whole deal...with putting "I wanna meet her" on your profile...you knew that would get to me and thats why you did it....I guess ur doing it because ur scared to lose me. But that makes me hate you even more.

- You treat me like a freaking object!

- saying things like...just say "you got it!"

- "WHY is sex a big deal? Just let me talk about it?!"

- I dont give a fudge anymore (in your voicemessage)

- grabbing my butt even though I wsnt comfortable with it and even if i let you.

You didn’t love me. You loved the fact that you had someone to control and someone to listen to you and obey you. I became so much like a slave, literally. I did everything you said. Why did you have to break me down as a person to love me? "Baby, if you loved me, you would do this..." I dont understand. I am a moralistic, traditional, old-fashioned girl that does not like all that crap but you did it anyway. You remember the earlier days...when we used to talk about things like pandas, and other things and it was just so nice. Whenever, my mom was mean to me, I could call you and you would make me feel a 1000x better because you would always be there to explain to me everything and help me feel better. You used to be such a nice guy. What happened to you? And you say that I changed and that I dont joke around with you anymore. OMG. IS IT NOT HARD TO SEE WHY I DONT JOKE AROUND WITH YOU!? A relationship with you was like walking on eggshells. ANYTHING i would say could tick you off and then you could lash out at me. I mean, its ridiculous. UGH! And I hate how you always say that IVE changed. Which I have...in response to your crap. I mean, who wouldn't change if the person that they love did that to them? I mean, we used to talk about so much--about things other than sex...for hours and hours...and then all of a sudden you turned into all of those things I mentioned above. I mean, WHAT HAPPENED?! I dont even know. All I know is that it is over. All I know, is that I wanna get away from you as much as possible. You are the cause of a broken soul. I hope I can forgive you one day. because it seems really hard right now. And you know, I loved the old you. The super nice guy that I could call and talk to for hours and the first guy I talk about the snow with and when the rain fell...the first guy that came to my mind...he...he is the guy I loved. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you. And I'm done waiting for that guy because I dont think you were ever that guy. So I'm leaving W. And never coming back. never.

M.

Dear W.

Yeah. I think ur hanging out with Arielle a lot and maybe she's poisoning your brain against me. I dont know. I dont really care. All i know is that youre acting like a fool. I mean, at least, you would have the decency to not rub it in my face about how happy you are. I mean. thanks. I guess I was that big of a burden that you got rid of. yay for you! And then you took off that "i love m." thing off ur profile. Yeah. that really hurt. thanks man. ur really awesome.

M.

For a change this is going to be a letter from me to me.

Dear M.

I know ur insecure when W. talks about all of these girls such as this new Myrtle beach girl who is soo gorgeous and soo amazing and she's chinese and everything and she's great and the way she smiles and smells and just how much he misses her and how he calls A. and other girls beautiful in front of you and is so amazed at meeting Z.

Do you deserve to get treated this way? I mean, do you? I mean, of course there are many girls out there that are beautiful but is it constantly necessary for him to rub it in your face? No. You've been in several relationships before and you know that for example, with B...you guys never had any of that inferiority complex with him..I mean it was nice. That was the perfect relationship. I know you miss B. a lot but its okay. I mean, whats in the past is in the past. Right?

As for W....you've made several lists of all the things he's done to you. He claims to have changed as he did yesterday and then continued to talk about sex and jacked off on the phone even though you asked him not to....I mean, come on...he spent the whole week avoiding you and then the 2nd night that you talk to him, he starts talking about the same things and starts doing the exact same things that he did previously. I mean, c'mon M, how stupid can you be? HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

He never cared about you in the first place. I know how hard that is to accept but please you have to realize that he never really cared...or maybe once upon a time he did...but now...its different. Things are beyond repair...nothing he can do or say can fix anything anymore and besides he doesn't even try to fix everything...or at least try very hard...because he continues talking constantly about sex and jacks off and threatens you with the rough sex deal and just everything. That's not healthy for you at all. I mean, seriously...what happened to your self-dignity?

Girls have this thing called self-dignity and it is this beautiful, amazing thing where they stay away from guys that bring them down. Its quite a gift. I think you should start using it. You dont deserve to get treated that way. I mean, people tell you you're beautiful all the time, and they tell you that ur pretty and smart, and funny and just everything...so why are you still sticking with him..like seriously? WHAT does he have in him that any other guy doesn't. I mean, the one reason that you were really drawn to him was because of his nice attitude...but now that thats gone...you should be done M. DONE. you should be completely done. period. Just let it go.

And you need to listen to Alise. She's such a nice and influential girl in your life and she always makes you so happy! I mean, for example, she made you a magic wand today and that was really really nice of her [: and she's right, he never cared about you. He only says half the things about these other girls because he knows that way he has some type of control over you...its a power battle, cant you see? He's starving for your attention because he realizes he's losing you and he tries his hardest to keep you within his grip. When he mentions these other girls, he KNOWS it gets to you and thats why he does it. I mean, though he doesn't get positive attention from it, he does get attention...though it may be negative...he captivates your mind again...which was his goal in the first place.

The one thing you need to remember is: "No one...absolutely no one can make you feel inferior without your will."

Don't let him get to you M. The only reason it bothers you is because you let it bother you. You can prevent it.

LOOOVE!

~M