"That Guy" is no longer just her friend.

Well, it happened. She hooked up with the guy she swore up and down there was nothing happening with. The worse part? She met the guy through a private online community that I invited her to join. She did it on the one-month anniversary of our breakup too. She sent me an email telling me it happened. Maybe in some way I grateful because I have to move on without any hope of getting back together.

List of things I am feeling: betrayed, hurt, used, steamrolled.

I feel like I'm clinging to the investment I made in the relationship rather than the person I made the investment with. She was neat and interesting but also really, really broken.

I'm moving into my new apartment at the end of next week. My parents are supportive. My friends are being as nice as they can be given how much I'm leaning on them for support.

Crap. I feel like I've lost a month of progress and am back at day zero.

Hey sneaker,

I am sorry man. This is a slap in the face! You seem quite collected for the circumstances but I can imagine it feels like back at zero. But it really isn't like that. If anything, this will help you move on faster than before. Now you know it is is definitely and permanently over. It makes the break more clean-cut, so to say. Did you respond to that email? Why is she telling you this stuff?

Take care. It can only get better from here

Arwen

You seem quite collected for the circumstances...

Heh, well...I'm angry at her and the guy too (he and I were kind of pals before I got this stupid email).

...but I can imagine it feels like back at zero. But it really isn't like that. If anything, this will help you move on faster than before. Now you know it is is definitely and permanently over. It makes the break more clean-cut, so to say. Did you respond to that email? Why is she telling you this stuff?

I responded to her with private messages in the IRC channel for the private community we belong to. She was totally indignant that she'd done nothing wrong. I asked her not to hang out in the channel for a while so she martyred herself and I ended up being the one who left. Not only have I lost my girlfriend, but I lost a great house that we rented with my best friend and I've lost the ability to go hang out in that community chat channel.

I think she's telling me this stuff so that she can feel less guilty about the breakup. As if coming clean about what's going on makes it O.K.

I think if there would have been a bigger time gap, a little more time for me to put distance between us, it would have been fine. But right now it's just a steel-toed boot to the groin.

(P.S. Thanks for your encouragement.)

when females say "hes just a friend" or "theres nonething going on"

leave....bcuz 9 times outta ten

hes her boyfriend or shes sleepin with him

take that to the bank........

when females say "hes just a friend" or "theres nonething going on"

 

leave....bcuz 9 times outta ten

 

hes her boyfriend or shes sleepin with him

 

take that to the bank........

I think nine times out of ten is rather an overstatement. Can the same be said for men who have female friends?

when females say "hes just a friend" or "theres nonething going on"

 

leave....bcuz 9 times outta ten

 

hes her boyfriend or shes sleepin with him

 

take that to the bank........

The clue is if the girl protests too much or over-explains. Often they are just a friend (or they see them as such, whether the guys sees it that way is another story)

I think nine times out of ten is rather an overstatement. Can the same be said for men who have female friends?

This is probably a good topic for another thread.

OP: hang in there, it will get better. You are moving on - a change of residence really helps - different mind set and all. I wouldn't bother communicating with her anymore. Let the new guy worry about who she is chatting with now.

This is probably a good topic for another thread.

 

OP: hang in there, it will get better. You are moving on - a change of residence really helps - different mind set and all. I wouldn't bother communicating with her anymore. Let the new guy worry about who she is chatting with now.

Right, another thread. You can take THAT to the bank !

We do have all these threads about people who worry about this very thing, and the majority of people who post say that you should trust your significant other....which is true. Sometimes though, trusts are betrayed. Generalizing and saying every female who has a male friend is basically lying is wrong.

Anyone who lies about this, is a jerk..and makes it harder for the next person you meet who says they have male friends. You will have even a harder time trusting the next time. I agree with clementine...stay away from jerk-girl.

I think that you have to trust your partner. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable or you'll just have a life full of suspicion, jealousy and hate.

I think my problem was to allow myself to think "oh, our relationship is different from the others that she has been in. She would never do that to me." Apparently this is a big red flag that I just hadn't know to watch out for. Or perhaps I was just too infatuated with her to care.

Hey sneaker,

I think you don't have to blame yourself for not seeing the red flags. If we would be overly aware of possible red flags, no one would ever relax and open themselves in a relationship. Loving someone can create a picture-perfect which is not always real.

Please do yourself a favour and don't contact her anymore about things. It's time to let go.

Arwen

I think she was out of line even telling you about new developments in her love life.

How selfish - she feels better for saying and made you feel worse.

I would stop contact with her.

I think nine times out of ten is rather an overstatement. Can the same be said for men who have female friends?

no

men cheat outright and then ask why u trippin

women protest that hes just a friend when he really isent, ive been there seen it more than once

I wouldn't put too much thought into her online friend. Online friendships rarely become real relationships. She's just doing this to feel better about herself and to have something to throw in your face.

While she's wasting her time with her online buddy, you go out and find you a REAL woman...

when females say "hes just a friend" or "theres nonething going on"

 

leave....bcuz 9 times outta ten

 

hes her boyfriend or shes sleepin with him

 

take that to the bank........

I wouldn't say 9 times out of 10 (I'm good friends with girls where there is no attraction), but it does seem to happen a lot. All of my ex-girlfriends have hooked up with the 'he's just a friend' guy very soon after the break-up.

It makes me suspicious, but I refuse to let my mind be clouded with jealousy too much because I know it is possible that some guys CAN just be friends and aren't after anything. A small minority, but there is hope!

yeah... my thoughts exactly!... why the hell did she have to tell you?... nothing like sticking the knife in further is there?...

sorry guys... im having a horrible day today... my thoughts are horrible and im absolutely no help to anyone... forgive me...

beebee

I wouldn't say 9 times out of 10 (I'm good friends with girls where there is no attraction), but it does seem to happen a lot. All of my ex-girlfriends have hooked up with the 'he's just a friend' guy very soon after the break-up.

 

It makes me suspicious, but I refuse to let my mind be clouded with jealousy too much because I know it is possible that some guys CAN just be friends and aren't after anything. A small minority, but there is hope!

Davey....your hot, you have nothing to be jealous about when it comes to another guy, you have the whole package. You just haven't met a women who has self discipline and integrity yet.

sneaker:

I know how you feel and what you're going through. I'm going through a very similar situation right now. Only the guy was my best friend. I assumed all along he was going to bat for me with her but I sadly learned that wasn't the case. I can tell you it will get easier and you sound like your head is screwed on straight (mine hasn't been). I know what you mean about emotional investment. I have been searching the net for an article, a web site, anything to ease my pain but there just isn't anything other than time, and to sound off here and try to help others. You can't change her or him but you can change you. At least that's what I'm trying to teach myself.

I'm in the same situation, my ex is now with the man she insisted was just a friend for months, a few weeks after our split they were together. I'm supposed to believe nothing happened before the split but I dont.

I was doing well till she told me and it set me back, we had regular contact but I've stopped all contact now other than having to meet for our daughter. I had hoped we could remain "friends" for my daughters sake but I was naive to think that could happen.

not having the contact is already getting me back on track, if I dont see/speak to her I dont have to think about her. She doesn't like it because she still insists nothing happened, but tbh I dont really care, she told me enough lies before we split I see no reason to believe her now.

I think my problem was to allow myself to think "oh, our relationship is different from the others that she has been in. She would never do that to me." Apparently this is a big red flag that I just hadn't know to watch out for. Or perhaps I was just too infatuated with her to care.

I am/was the same, I've learned my lesson the hard way, I am a trusting person, but I wont ignore those red flags any more, if I see them in another relationship they wouldn't see me for the dust.

I think if there would have been a bigger time gap, a little more time for me to put distance between us, it would have been fine. But right now it's just a steel-toed boot to the groin.

Well mine moved onto her new man (who was in the wings altho she swears blind she hadn't thought about him, but I'm positive that's untrue) in 10 days. To be fair she didn't want me to find out and was mortified when I did. Funny you mention the indignance tho - she was DESPERATE to convince me she hadn't done anything wrong, and technically she hadn't cheated. I suppose that's just about guilt as I doubt she really cares what my opinion of her is. Just about her being able to maintain a positive self-image...

For a while I got into the mindset of "if she's done it, I need to too", i.e. I need to move on to a new woman to "get my own back". Ridiculous thinking that I'm just starting to get out of. I'm not ready for a new relationship yet and am only going to move on when I've put this relationship fully behind me. There's no shame in my having been more serious about this relationship than her. Probably the opposite in fact.

I'm not ready for a new relationship yet and am only going to move on when I've put this relationship fully behind me. There's no shame in my having been more serious about this relationship than her. Probably the opposite in fact.

Really well put!

Is it just me or is there a pretty common theme here of people who keep someone in the wings for when the existing relationship ends?

Well you know the old line about dumpers being monkeys swinging through the trees, lining up the next branch so they have something to hold onto when they let go of the previous one...

I won't say it always happens but it seems extremely common. What's one of the first questions anyone asks when a breakup seems to loom? "Is there someone else?" It's the first question for a reason - i.e. it's the most likely scenario. And the dumper as far as I can tell won't admit it even to themselves sometimes...

when females say "hes just a friend" or "theres nonething going on"

 

leave....bcuz 9 times outta ten

 

hes her boyfriend or shes sleepin with him

 

take that to the bank........

Going through the very same thing right now!