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Thread: Don't know what to do...

  1. #1
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Don't know what to do...

    My story is a bit complicated so this post may get a bit long. I will try to be sincere so please refrain from judging my past behaviour, I am aware about the bad things I did.

    I never questioned my sexuality until two, three months ago. I always considered myself straight, did that automatically; I am a feminine looking girl who likes dressing herself up, using makeup, talking about guys etc. The problem is this girl, who by the way looks much more like a lesbian than I do (if there is something as a lesbian look), dark short hair, no makeup, I will call her E. Do you know this feeling at the first lesson in a new class and you look at your classmates and you immediately know who you could become friends which? It says click, you feel some strange connection with that person. Well for me I felt this with this girl. No she isnít my best friend, not even a friend at all, I always thought I hated her (sounds strange doesnít it?).

    E and I have always been in the same class since we were little kids; we always ended up in the same even later as we accidentally at all times picked exactly the same subjects. We got in bad terms right from the beginning. I tried to befriend her but she said that she didnít want any friends which I took as a personal found insult (this was when I six, maybe seven years old). Her carefree nonchalant way made me hate her. I got other friends and we used to tease, bully her for being weird, for not having any friend, for being the pet of the teacher, for being too tall. I just wanted some reaction from her but no; she never showed any emotions about our teasing.

    I really loathed her. With the years I made my teasing more subtle, in form of friendly pieces of advice and innocent questions. I donít know why I disliked her so much; it was just something about her. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldnít stop myself.

    For about three months ago I had this dream that E and I were alone in the classroom, I said something mean about her appearance, she looked down on me and then she leaned in and kissed me. At first I was shocked and then I accused her for being a Lesbian. She said: ďIsnít this was what you always wanted.Ē At that point I woke up, I immediately told myself I never had a nightmare like that and I tried to not think about it again. But as you surely have experienced, things you try not to think about are the things that pops up in your head the most.

    I had set my eyes on a guy who I will call B. B is very good looking; all the girls in class were talking about him. When I first saw E and B together I felt a pang. He seemed interested in E; I thought it unfair and felt jealous. Why would B who could get anybody he wanted choose somebody as E? I couldnít see what he saw in her. Why couldnít he choose someone else? It then hit me that it wasnít her I was jealous on, I wouldnít have minded if he was with somebody else. When I realised what my thinking really meant I felt like throwing up and I couldnít eat a thing during the lunch. I become conscious of that ever since I first saw her I had always wanted to become her friend (but she pushed everybody who came near her away), that all my teasing had been to get her attention, to get her to see me.

    I had earlier that morning (and some days before too) been harassing E with questions about what B and her had been doing, implying that she had been leading him on. During the break somebody suddenly grabbed my arm, when I saw that it was her I blushed (and I never blush). She dragged me to the next classroom that was empty. My heart was beating very fast, we were alone and she stood so close to me. She said something like: ďI am tired of your insinuations about B and me. I and B have done nothing, I donít like B and I donít care if you take him. It isnít my fault if he doesnít fall in love with you.Ē I couldnít make myself look at her while she talked, I stuttered some short response. Shaken as I was about how her presense affected me I returned as fast as I could without running to the classroom.

    That happened two months ago and I havenít said a word to her since, she is probably wondering why I am not bothering her like I use to. I really canít continue trying to make her school time a hell, my bad conscious is catching up now when I know my real motives for having treated her so bad. I had hoped that my weird feelings concerning her would disappear quite fast, in a couple of days but they havenít yet. I am kind of scared of them. Remember the ďnightmareĒ I mentioned? At this stage I have daydreamed about sceneries that go far beyond that and many of them with me inciting everything. I am disturbed, disgusted by myself for being able to change feelings about a person so rapidly and for using her in my not so innocent fantasies. If she knew of the later she would be very angry, she is a bit of a prude, the only times she reacted was when I insinuated that she had impure thoughts about somebody. She always said that she wasnít into guys; I think she is like asexual or something close to that.

    So you will not think that I am totally out in the blue I can tell that I and E have had some rare friendly moments before. I remember some occasions we played with each other as kids when my other friends were sick (afterwards when my friends returned to school we pretended as nothing). A couple of years ago we were ordered to work together in an assignment. It worked out pretty well, she turned out to be much more sympathetic than I thought she could be, I almost thought about making friends with her but after the work was over she returned to her old reserved self and I returned to my old patterns. Last year when I had quite a mess at home I was sitting by my own during the break so nobody would see me crying. She happened to se me there under the tree, at first she looked insecure on what to do but eventually she seated herself beside me and asked me why I was crying. I told her everything and she listened. The next day we acted like that never took place. A couple months later I saw that she was upset, I gave her a handkerchief and asked her what had happened, somebody she knew had died.

    Somehow I wish I could just dislike her like before, it was much easier. Our hostility felt somehow like a tradition, safe, like a comfortable grudge, it is hard to explain.

    Damn, damn, damn, damn, I donít want have these feelings. I feel so stupid, so stupid, I have literally spoiled, ruined every chance to come near her. ](*,) I am sure that many of you will think that this serves me right for all the things I did to her. Every time she happens to look at me I turn red, every time she stands nearby I feel extremely self-conscious. Why have it to bee that my first real fantasies have to involve another girl? And why has it be of all girls her? I havenít had feelings like this toward anybody else. Sure I have had my share part of boyfriends, who I always dumped just when they started to want something physical. My classmates think that I very experienced, done everything (which I let them believe) but in reality I havenít done anything. I am not even sure if I had real crushes on the boys, I had boyfriends because that was what one was supposed to have.

    As you can understand (I would be quite stupid to think otherwise) there is no chance that she would like to have something to do with me considering all the years I have troubled her. It is kind of funny that something like this had to happen for me to realise what I really have done to her. Even if I would be so bold to try to befriend her I donít know how I could approach her, the only times I have approached her before had been to in some way be mean to her. She doesnít live very far away from me but I canít picture myself visit her just like that. I have seen her roughly everyday during almost thirteen years except vacations but the term is soon over and we are both seniors. When itís over and I donít think I ever will see her again. What should I do? I am quite messed up. Do I have a crush on her or is it a weird unhealthy obsession? Is the right thing to do to leave her alone? Thank you for reading.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Beec's Avatar
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    I know nothing about being female, a lesbiuan or otherwise, but as far as the sexual aspects of your story, I think you have some figuring out to do. It seems as if B was the guy you wanted, so you must have been attracted to guys. Now, you seem to have fantasies about E. Until you have figured out what it is you want, i would be very careful about proceeding in any direction sexually with anyone, even as far as kissing. If you are a lesbian, you risk, right or wrong, social stigma and family issues and who know what else by coming out. If you are straight and try something with another woman, that may not simply go away. If you are a lesbian and go out with a guy, well, it's not fun to find out your woman has gone gay on you. It is pretty devastating to find out your relationship invovled someone who did not ever really want you. So, something has you confused, etc. take your time acting on it. You may just have an obsession with this fantasy. The thought of it may do soemthing for you, while the reality won't.

    Second, apologize to E. Just do it. Let her know that you are aware that you have at times treated her in a manner that was just not right and that you are sorry and regret doing that. You can be vague.

  3. #3
    Your doing too much effort to be with her,

    Just because someone is different is NOT a justification to maltreat them. Because she looks like a guy, talks like a guy, and has a lot of male traits, she has a male affection on her that is attractive to girls. Its often so that people search something that seems to be on the line of boy/girl that they find attractive, so its not at all strange that she sparks sexual fantasies in your mind, afteral this is only normal for a lesbian to attract other girls.

    Its clearly she managed to have some sort of this effect on you, anyway you have been ignored because of your teasing, it was exactly due to the fact that you searched attention, that she refused to give you that attention.

    You could have been friends with her a long time ago, if you simply asked it in a normal decent manner. Instead you decided not to confront her like that, and backstab her at any oppertunity that was convienant for you.

    So even tho it was old times sake, almost just a habit for you to tease her, it was not the way to go. You have no idea how you have hurted her.

    So if anything i would go up to her and apologize for your actions. You'd owe her at least that. And maby if you two just started talking on a normal level again with eachother you two could become normal friends who accept eachother instead of making eachothers lives hell.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member Deviant_Kate's Avatar
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    I think the best way to open up the lines of communication is to go to her home some day and very sincerely apologize to her for the way you treated her as a kid. Just tell her that it started because she wouldn't be your friend and you felt hurt and rejected, and that you know you shouldn't have been mean to her, but you were just a little kid and that was the only way you knew how to deal with your feelings. In a backward way, you were only mean to her because you wanted to be her friend.

    You're older now - you're more mature and you realize that the way you treated her was wrong, and want to apologize, and hopefully that will allow you two to start to be friends.

    I wouldn't approach her at school if you can make it to her house - she'd probably be much more willing to listen if she's NOT in the place where you've always tortured her.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member aquatic's Avatar
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    Hi, Wayfara.

    I agree with D_K, go to her house and apologize AND open up why you felt that way. If you think you'll get the nerves, sputter and not get the right things said, why not leave a letter and a gift-- something you think she's into so that it's personal and she'll appreciate the effort. Add something to the effect of, "I have always seen you as a friend, though it may not have seemed that way. I know school's almost over, but I'd like us to be better friends now and even after the year's done." Just be honest, but don't mention anything romantic! What's more important now is that you apologize and lay the grounds for a nice friendship. And when you do see her in school after, don't act like nothing happened (like what usually happens, as you mentioned ). Be the first to take the extra step to be friendly, but don't smother. Inivte her to lunch with your friends, walk home together (if you do), little things to share your company. The few moments of closeness you mentioned, I'm very sure she remembers that.

    Good luck!
    Last edited by aquatic; 05-01-2007 at 11:23 AM.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Thank you for all the replies.

    Well I went to visit herÖ but her mother told me that she didnít live at home anymore. Anyway she gave me the directions to her apartment; it wasnít a long way to go. I knocked on the door... She didnít just look a little surprised when she opened and saw me there. I asked if I could come in. There was silence, it really felt like ages until she finally said okay and let me in. I seated myself on her sofa and she asked me why I had come. I said ďto apologise.Ē She didnít say anything so I continued: ďI want to apologise for not having been so nice to you.Ē And she still didnít say anything; I have no idea what she was thinking. She has kind of intimidating eyes (green I think but at times they look almost yellow). I was getting pretty nervous (I was nervous before too but now I was really nervous) and I didnít want her to see that so I quite bluntly requested to know if she forgive me. ďI donít know, I have to think about itĒ, she said.

    Now I think I probably should have written a letter instead because I really made a fool of myselfÖ, especially as I started to cry, I couldnít help myself. She got a bit distressed seeing me like that and tried to bribe me with some cookies she had made. She told me she didnít hate me but she probably only told me that to get me stop soaking her sofa. I felt really embarrassed for having her see me cry like that and as she sat beside me I was getting very self conscious too so I said that I had to go as my parents probably were waiting for me to come home (which was a lame excuse I invented).

    So it didnít go so wellÖ She seemed quite cold and reserved, at least until my crying incident, and I hardly said any of the things I had planned.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member aquatic's Avatar
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    On the contrary, I think it went pretty well You got the "I'm sorry" part out and she knows it's sincere. Don't worry about it too much.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Beec's Avatar
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    What you did sounds very good to me. You got out the important words, you said what needed to be said, and you probably seemed very sincere as you were emotional.

    Now when you see her, say hello or hi and try to be nice. It will take time for anything to be happen between you as far as friendship, and it may not. But you did what you could have done.

    Nice job.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Thanks for the encouragement, it really helped.

    Yesterday at school I said hi to her and she said it back and the rest of the day we giving each other quick looks. I didnít say anything more to her that day as I didnít want to seem clingy. Today at school I talked to her a bit longer. I jokingly asked her if I had scared her when I come to visit her. ďI wasnít exactly expecting you to come and see me,Ē she said. I said: ďDid you think that I had come to murder you?Ē ďWell I couldnít find any logical reasons to why you would visit me so I thought that maybe you wanted to criticise my apartment,Ē she said.

    She seemed a bit guarded toward me. I looked down and told her that I in reality always wanted to be her friend, that I began teasing her to punish her because I felt like she had rejected me and it later became as a habit to me. I felt very vulnerable by exposing myself like that so I kept looking during the whole time. When I looked up at her again she seemed uncomfortable, I guess she didnít know what to say so there was an awkward silence for a while. She then explained that back then when we were kids she just wanted to be by herself during the school breaks because she never could be alone when she was at home (they are eight children in her family).

    Now I am feeling very happy, unnatural happy and yet alarmed. These three latest days I havenít be able to concentrate on anything because I end up thinking about her. In my stupidity I thought that my weird feelings would go away if I just apologized to her but it is almost like if they have gotten worse instead. The only thing I am able to think about is how it will be the next I see her, time doesnít seem to go fast enough. Itís not normal; it must be something seriously wrong with me. Maybe I should just avoid her so I donít give fuel to my twisted obsession with her.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Beec's Avatar
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    Just be careful. Don't make any sudden decisions.

    If you are going to be friends, or have any realtionship, give it lots of time to develop.

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