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Thread: Don't know what to do...

  1. #591
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by grendel
    I have read your whole story, and thank you for writing it. I think she understands that you didn't mean what you said, but it probably hurt her a bit anyhow. Sadly after all this time I think it's unlikely that a relationship will work out between you and maybe you need time apart to be able to move on. She has her own issues and maybe she will never want the same kind of relationship that you do.
    Yeah, I know

    I saw her, she said it disapoints her that I think she isn't capable to true affection because she hasn't as many friends as I do. I told her I was sorry for everything, well we hugged and she let me sleep over (it was late) so I think she forgave me. The morning after was really weird... but I got to go now to the bus my younger cousin wanted to play cards over the net at the same time as my mother was writing to me online and now I don't have any time left.

  2. #592
    Bronze Member anonymousSAD's Avatar
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    Hey Wayfara. Keep your chin up! I know this may not be a response your looking for, but there are other people out there. Have you ever thought of dating other girls besides E? Or guys if you want that instead right now? You probably have; all I can really say is in the broader scale of your life, though it sounds selfish, it's true that YOU have to be what is most important to you. Think of yourself, your life, your happiness. Don't let your life revolve around her. Cultivate independence - friendships too! Though it may be difficult and hurt and you probably don't really want to pull away from her emotionally - trust me I've been there - remember that she has a HER to look after. She's got to put herself first; she's never going to take care of you - she might want to, but can't because no one can - so you've got to take care of yourself.

  3. #593
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    I have met a guy, he is very pretty (long eye lashes and all), amazingly social, very funny and still has this air of innocence to him, it's very hard not like him and I think he likes me too. But well, I really like him, but I don't think I want him that way... I just really really like him, but he has tons of girls after him so I think he'll be fine. I never had a problem meeting guys and I'm not shy with them, it's just that every time I come close to ever doing anything with a man I'm not feeling anything and kind of freak out... it's hasn't to do with E, I was like this before our thing started too. About girls, I've thought about it but I've never found a girl sexually attractive (besides E).

    I have many friends and a few close ones but it's hard to keep them happy sometimes because I can't be at two or three places at the same time and I've school and schoolwork too, if I hang out with one and not the others I have to explain myself to the others afterwards for choosing to hang out with the other friend instead of them. And sometimes I just feel drained and overwhelmed and would like to take it easy and it's hard to explain that to them. Well I shouldn't complain, it was nice to go shopping with two of them today. Anyhow in the big picture I'm pretty happy with my life, I have good friends who care about me (although some are a bit possessive I got a good grade on the big test and I think I know what I want to work with now (I've just applied to a new program). I've been stupid for falling for someone who can't reciprocate but I have a lot of other stuff going on in my life too so I'm fine most of the time, just a little sad that it didn't work out.

    I said goodbye to E the last time I saw her... it needed to be done... because I don't want me lashing out on her again and I know I have to move on. She doesn't want to be loved (romantically) but if she ever would want a relationship I'm sure she would find someone because she's a wonderful person. I hope she doesn't feel like she had to take care of me, she took initiative to see me just as I took initiative to see her and seemed happy about spending time together when we did, we had a lot fun together.

    I wanted E to know I love her before saying good bye but well I think she still thinks I want her as my safety net and she said she likes me too but I shouldn't throw around the love word like that. I told I've been hopelessly in love with her for almost four years, that I am sure about my feelings.
    E: "Okay, let's get married. We can go and buy two white dresses right now. You said you're sure, no?"
    She was very sarcastic I wanted to make her smile so I tried to lighten the mood by calling her bluff and said I wanted a proposal first, she looked angry at me and was like "You want on my knee?" and I said yes and she did it. Well I thought the joke had gone far enough and I said she didn't have to do that and told her she can call my feelings what she wants but the friendship isn't working for me, I want more and if she can't give me that I have to move on...

    She said it wasn't that she didn't want to but doing it would be selfish because she can't give me what I want. Basically, nothing I can say or do would change that sex is utterly disgusting (to her) so we can't work out. She said she would probably prefer not to be around when I have found someone so she didn't argue my decision there.

  4. #594
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    I'm a little drunk, went out with some before, but I hope it won't be too noticeable. I've been thinking about that I've only had sex one time in my life, and I don't even know if I can call it sex because she had most of her clothes on lol. I should try sex again, real sex. Some say you can't lose your virginity with a girl (when you are a girl), and I think I would like to not be the only one getting undressed. Well to overcome your fears you have to face them, I should explore sex with both a man and a woman and just see what I like better. It's like I have two conflicting wills, one wants to be conservative and one wants to sleep around. I've listened to the conservative voice inside me for a long time and still people think I sleep around lol, it could be a sign to just let go of inhibitions and experiment, it's not like I'm going to lose my reputation.

    To those of you who were confused about your orientation, did experimenting with both sexes help you to sort yourselves out?

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  6. #595
    Member chocolatemilk's Avatar
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    Experimentation won't be indicative for everyone, because well, some people just can't get into it, gay or straight, unless they really like the other person, but if it works for you and helps you figure it out, as long as you stay safe and look out for your well-being, what can the harm be?

    You should try not to jump too far into it if your conscience is telling you not to, trust your instincts, but definitely meet some new people, girls and boys alike and see if you feel comfortable going further.

    As for the whole, virgin or not, doesn't matter if it's another girl, it's still sex, even if yours with E was a bit half-pie.

  7. #596
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    Ok, i just have to say. I have been following your story for a while now and you seem like a lovely, kind, sensitive person.
    Please stop doubting yourself so much by believing that you are a bad person because you have lost your patience with E occasionally. God knows i would have if i was in your position.
    You are not a bad person. You are a very good person and even E thinks so. And that says something considering how cynical and pessimistic she is.

    I wish you all the best Wayfara.

  8. #597
    Bronze Member anonymousSAD's Avatar
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    I agree with Nikki_. Through your posts we've seen you do very brave things. First, you realized that you had wronged someone. You broke a cycle of mistreating her, and had the guts to admit that you were wrong and ask for forgiveness. Second, you felt something strong for someone - it happens to most people at some point or other in our lives - and opened up again and again, through friendship and honesty. It doesn't matter if it worked out; unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn't and there's nothing we can do. But how many people could be as sincere and genuine as you've been? Don't down play that;you obviously have many good qualities and don't need to feel so insecure.

  9. #598
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Experimentation won't be indicative for everyone, because well, some people just can't get into it, gay or straight, unless they really like the other person, but if it works for you and helps you figure it out, as long as you stay safe and look out for your well-being, what can the harm be?

    You should try not to jump too far into it if your conscience is telling you not to, trust your instincts, but definitely meet some new people, girls and boys alike and see if you feel comfortable going further.

    As for the whole, virgin or not, doesn't matter if it's another girl, it's still sex, even if yours with E was a bit half-pie.
    When I kissed M it was like having a plate of food in front of you that you are unsure about, but you know it will taste alright so you talk yourself into eating it, and it does taste good, it's just that the aftertaste is bad. I think I could talk myself into experimenting, I think I can enjoy it but I'm worried about regretting it.

    I am curious about how sex with a man would be like and I would like to try it at least once. I would need to go on the pill and I'm squeamish about putting hormones in my body and what it will do to me. I am scared of catching something too, condoms doesn't protect against hpv, there are no tests for men and most of the population are infected. And there is always a chance to get pregnant and I really don't want a baby. I feel like a chicken for being such a worrier about it. Sorry for the too much information but I also think giving blowjob would be expected as foreplay and I am afraid I would gag. So I want to get more experienced but I have so many silly worries about it all.

    Ok, i just have to say. I have been following your story for a while now and you seem like a lovely, kind, sensitive person.
    Please stop doubting yourself so much by believing that you are a bad person because you have lost your patience with E occasionally. God knows i would have if i was in your position.
    You are not a bad person. You are a very good person and even E thinks so. And that says something considering how cynical and pessimistic she is.

    I wish you all the best Wayfara.
    Thanks Nikki it means a lot. I know E thinks I am nice and cute lol, but she is also about the only person who says it. I get told I'm funny and pretty fairly often, but never nice, never cute. I told my mother I'm thinking about working at the daycare for the summer, she made a joke that I would take pleasure from making the children run home crying lol. My friends think I'm sort of a man eater and get a kick from breaking poor guys's hearts (they think I broke "poor" M's heart too). I don't really know how I give off that impression. They act surprised when I do something nice like "It's that really you Wayfara? Are you feeling well?" I like making arguments, I'm a little too curious sometimes asking many questions and I kind of tease people a lot without really thinking, it could be that. A guy I know mentioned he had an appointment to the doctor, I asked him why he had to see a doctor and he wouldn't tell because he was embarrassed, so I kept bugging him asking if it was leprosy, cholera, bubonic plague etc etc until he told me lol (now I understand why he didn't want to tell me... I feel a bit guilty for pressing him).

    When I meet guys I sometimes get the feeling they like me for the wrong reason, like they are impressed because they think I'm a mean/bad girl.

    I agree with Nikki_. Through your posts we've seen you do very brave things. First, you realized that you had wronged someone. You broke a cycle of mistreating her, and had the guts to admit that you were wrong and ask for forgiveness. Second, you felt something strong for someone - it happens to most people at some point or other in our lives - and opened up again and again, through friendship and honesty. It doesn't matter if it worked out; unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn't and there's nothing we can do. But how many people could be as sincere and genuine as you've been? Don't down play that;you obviously have many good qualities and don't need to feel so insecure.
    When I reconnected with E I noticed she was more guarded but I thought if I was very patient I could make her trust me again. But it feels like she just chose to disbelieve the sincerity of my feelings because I didn't want her back until a year after the breakup... I wanted to show myself I could do without her... And well there were some who confessed they liked me while I was with E and I never told her. I don't know why I didn't, she isn't jealous that way and I don't think she would be against me hanging out with them again... I suppose I just didn't want to worry her. Anyway from an accidental slip from me a couple of months ago she knows about it, well she didn't really say anything that time but it might... well you know.

    I didn't go to her because I was tired of M. She has to be an idiot to think it! Well I suppose it doesn't matter, it wouldn't change her stance on intimacy. I am so sorry she thought the sex was disgusting, it wasn't for me...

    Next time I fall in love I will make sure that person doesn't have the problems E has lol.

  10. #599
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    I'm going to take it easy for awhile. Some of my friends wanted to look at some porn movies for fun and they were pretty violent, I think it shook me up some lol. I've seen some lesbian porn too, but it was pretty boring. It's strange neither straight or lesbian porn does anything to me. Anyway I've done some thinking and I think I need an emtional component to want sex with someone so experimenting would probably not be that rewarding to me. And absessing about STDs and birth control is proably a sign I'm not quite ready yet to be intimate with someone else.

  11. #600
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    It's been about a month since I last posted here, I haven't seen E anything but I had to call her today. I was thinking about painting and when I looked for the colors and I remembered I had them at her place last time. The colors and the brushes cost me a bit of money so I called her to see if she still had them. She always sounds weird on phone, like she's a robot, but she said she would come over with them shortly tomorrow. My feelings haven't changed since I last saw her, well they didn't really change during the year I didn't see her either, but I'm hoping that's okay, you should be allowed to have feelings and I'm doing okay most of the time.

    I had an opportunity to experiment last weekend. Me and a couple of friends was at this guy's place, the guy and me started talking and we were all drinking, my friends and the other ones left after awhile to go a pub so it was only me and him left. Past relationships got mentioned, I told him my last relationship was with another female and he asked me if I had ever been with a guy (sexually), we had been flirting a bit and he asked me if I was curious. But at that moment it felt like I would be doing it more because I should want to experiment than actually wanting to (it's strange, I know I am attracted to guys when I'm with friends or on my own but when I'm actually with a guy I usually don't feel it that much).

    Well I have kept myself occupied with school, hobbies, hanging out with friends, helping my friend with her schoolwork lol (she had a nervous breakdown after her boyfriend moved away) so I haven't had that much time to obsess over things but when I think of E I get sad and I miss her. I think I have trouble letting go when I get attached to something or someone. As a baby I was given a Teddy Bear, I used to beat it a lot, whip it with the carpet beater, took out half the eye with a knife, one ear is gone, the head is almost decapitated and it has lost it's fur on most places. My mother wanted to throw it away because he got so ugly and buy me a new one, but, despite me mistreating it, I was crazy attached to it and refused to get it replaced. I still have it and that ugly Teddy Bear would probably be the first thing I would save in case of a fire lol.

    I liked seeing E once a week to do things together, she asked me if I wanted to make a trip together this summer and we looked for places to go and made plans, and then I lost my temper that time... I know I'm not over her so I understand ending contact with her was the right thing, but every time I do the smart thing I seem to hurt myself. Like when I broke up with her, I did in the heat of the moment but it seemed like a smart logical decision, I wanted more intimacy and she didn't, breaking up was the only logical... It hurt like hell and I ask myself if I would have gotten everything I wanted if had I just been more patient. When we became friends again I was kind of scared to pressure her to anything she's not ready for so I tried my best to not be too touchy or flirty, I wonder if it had been better to have done the reverse. Well if someone really loves you they would not wait to take you back.

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